


Lose You Too

by eyessharpweaponshot



Category: The 100 (TV), The 100 Series - Kass Morgan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Bellarke, Betrayal, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, FBI Agent Bellamy, FBI Agent Clarke Griffin, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Friends to Lovers, Friendship/Love, Hospitalization, Hurt/Comfort, Jealousy, Modern Setting Bellamy Blake/Clarke Griffin, Mutual Pining, Partners to Lovers, Plot Twists, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Slow Burn, Smut, Torture
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-11
Updated: 2018-10-17
Packaged: 2019-06-25 20:57:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 20
Words: 91,412
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15648807
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eyessharpweaponshot/pseuds/eyessharpweaponshot
Summary: Clarke and Bellamy, FBI agents - both too emotional to be level-headed in the dangerous situations they face together.Slow burn, mutual pining, angst, sex and these two idiots caring about one another. All the greatest hits.Nominated in theBellarke Fanwork Awards 2018forBest Slow BurnandBest Modern Fiction. I was also nominated forBest Modern AuthorandBest Up & Coming Author. Made it to the semi-finals, thank you all so, so, so much!





	1. The Fool I Am

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The fic title 'Lose You Too' is a song from the artist SHY Martin and I always think of Bellarke when I hear it (especially season five). This chapter is named from the song 'The Fool I Am' by Keywest.
> 
> Apologies in advance if I have missed any trigger warnings. There's so much in any fic that could trigger people and I'm truly sorry if I haven't mentioned them all.

The hotel room is warm and barely lit but there are a small few lights switched on to challenge the harshness of the dark. The large windows, floor to ceiling, display New York City in all its glory.

Bellamy stands a few feet from Clarke - his white, crisp shirt is untucked from his pants uniform and is hanging loosely with a few buttons undone at the top. His badge rests on the bedside locker along with his phone, keys and tie.

‘Damn it, Griffin! Why do you continue to believe it's okay to put your own life in jeopardy? You could have been killed!’

Clarke rolls her eyes, knowing he’s referring to a case they had earlier on today and he's currently mid-lecture about the whole ordeal. They have been partners for three years now, so Clarke doesn’t know why Bellamy is so surprised that she did what she did. When it comes to the people she works closely with, her people, she will always put her life at risk to save them - although lately, even she can admit that she seems to be abandoning protocol a little more.

They were called to New York to assist on a case. Their fugitive had Bellamy pinned under him, the muzzle of his gun pushed into Bellamy’s cheek.

Clarke’s mind went blank. All danger and all risk vanished.

The woods fell silent and the throbbing pulse in her ears drowned out the birds and the wind. The sense to assess the situation before acting disappeared. She would have had a clear shot of Dax using her weapon, but for some reason, the only option that seemed available to Clarke in that moment was to just get him away from Bellamy altogether.

That’s the problem with feeling like this, it makes you behave irrationally. And then Clarke was running, her ankle boots barely touching the leaves below her. She remembers the dive which resulted in her pulling Dax off of Bellamy and rolling down the hill that made the woods slope. Flashes of copper leaves and grey skies blurred her vision before she finally landed with their target astride her.

Dax punched Clarke, once, twice, three times into the face and pain spread through her like a hot rod – her nerves lifting with each impact. She could hear Bellamy shouting at their team to move in, still trying to catch up with what had happened on top of the hill. His voice was distant, almost like Clarke was dreaming.

_Was she losing consciousness?_

No - she knew that wasn’t an option so she snapped herself back to reality and tried to regain the upper hand with Dax as she struggled to get out from under him. It was futile – his strength overpowered Clarke by a mile, mainly because he had a good fifty pounds on her.

Dax found his gun beside him, buried in the leaves. Clarke’s was lost somewhere on the hill, abandoning her as she flipped down the slope. The cold steel pressed into her temple and she closed her eyes, awaiting the inevitable.

She heard a gunshot, but no pain came with it.

Dax lay dead weight on top of Clarke as her brain took its time trying to comprehend what had just taken place.

_Had she been shot? Had the pain just not registered yet?_

It felt like that until she saw Bellamy. He skidded to a halt on his knees beside her and pulled Dax off her panting body.

‘Clarke! Clarke, you’re okay, I got you’.

Her heart was racing, but whether it was from the incident or from Bellamy being there, she couldn’t decipher. Clarke lost herself in his gorgeous brown eyes for a quick moment, but she only allowed herself that – a moment.

_‘He is your partner, pull yourself together.’_

She shot up almost too quickly, shoving him away from her.

‘I had it handled’ Clarke announced as she dragged herself to her feet, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand to reveal watered down blood. The shock made her knees buckle but she carried on, refusing to let herself look any more defenceless.

The September air was cool, but Clarke suddenly felt like it was one hundred degrees.

‘Yeah, it sure looked that way’ she heard Bellamy say as she walked back up the hill, leaving him to sort Dax’s body. She found her gun poking out of the leaves and she stumbled as she bent over to pick it up. Steadying herself, Clarke kicked the leaves like a petulant child as she continued her ascent uphill.

_Stupid._

'You okay, Clarke?' Raven asked her on her way up, her brow furrowing in concern and also confusion. At this point, Raven knows better than to ask what the hell Clarke was thinking but she was clearly wondering what the hell encouraged that kind of impulsive response. Clarke muttered something about being fine and made herself walk as normal as possible towards the edge of the woods where they'd parked.

Slamming the door of her SUV once inside, it only took her a second to notice how much her hands were shaking. Clarke found herself annoyed once more for allowing herself to be so stupid and abandon all protocol. The little voice inside her head interrupted her, saying she was annoyed because she’s not able to control herself when Bellamy Blake is in the picture.

Clarke shook her head, shutting the voice up before starting the SUV and taking off, not waiting for Bellamy. He could get a ride back with Raven, Clarke didn’t want to wait and have him lecture her the entire journey back.

It was already gone 5:00pm when Clarke got back to the station. She grabbed her bag and belongings and headed out the door before Bellamy and the rest of the team could return from the crime scene. She knew she should have waited around and gave her statement as well as assisting with tying up the loose ends on Dax's case, but Clarke had no patience or time – she just had to get out.

She headed to her hotel, dumped her stuff and went down to the bar.

‘Tequila, please’ Clarke said to the bar attendant as she plonked herself on a stool in the marble bar, much too posh for Clarke’s dress attire. They have another case in this city tomorrow, but it didn’t stop Clarke drinking a little too much in hindsight.

It’s now 11:00pm, and Clarke stands in Bellamy’s hotel room. Five minutes previous, she had found herself banging on his door and demanding he let her in to talk about today. She had come here with the ambition to confront him about shooting Dax when she had everything under control, except once Clarke stood in front of Bellamy, the voice that was niggling at her all day won.

She didn’t have it under control, he saved her life and the only reason she’s so angry is because she doesn’t want to admit that he’s not just her partner anymore and that’s why she lost control.

Looking at him now, she feels weak for him. His dark hair is a glorified hot mess of curls after today's antics - normally, he at least tries to style it so it's not as reckless. His white shirt hangs loosely over his chiselled stomach which Clarke has seen time and time again in the line of duty – like being stripped at scenes to treat injuries, in hospital rooms getting checked over after violent cases and changing clothes at headquarters. His navy suit pants are expensive and suit him well.

Heaven knows what Clarke looks like.

As he lectures on about Clarke putting her life on the line time and time again, she steals a glance in the mirror to the left.

_Good God._

Her long blonde hair, after being up in a messy bun all day, now lies curly down her back. It hasn’t seen a brush in a day or two. Her eyeliner and mascara are miraculously still in place, but her black blazer has dirt on it from the tumble with Dax. She didn’t even bother to change. Clarke’s boots are dirty and her jeans sit on her skinny hip bones – too skinny for Clarke’s liking, but she never has time to eat. Her black bodycon top clutches her stomach, leaving a bit of skin exposed from her jeans to the base of her top. She then spots some blood on her jeans, obviously Dax’s, not to mention her lip is split from his punches. Clarke’s blue eyes seem to make her look drunker than she actually is and all in all, she has easily looked better.

Clarke kicks herself for not freshening up before her Brainiac idea to confront Bellamy.

‘I mean, what were you thinking, Clarke?’ Bellamy’s husky voice snaps her back to reality.

 _‘What am I doing here?’_ Clarke thinks, having half sobered up whilst along her adventure of thought, but there’s no backing out now. She isn’t going to admit that she’s come to senses in the last ten seconds. She’s not going to tell him he was right to shoot Dax and that she did put her life in danger. Clarke is much too proud for that.

'I was thinking that a gun was pressed to your face and I had to stop it from blowing a hole out the other side. That was it - that was my whole thought process’ she shouts. It isn’t a lie.

‘So you dive on Dax so your own brains can be blown out? Well done, Princess. You think you can do what you want and there won’t be consequences, as usual’ he says sarcastically. Clarke doesn’t have a leg to stand on, and he knows it.

‘You know what, Blake? I won’t try to save your life anymore. Next time there’s a gun pointed at you, I’ll stick to protocol and let the Unsub blow your face off.'

Now she lies. She knows she should have followed protocol but the longer Clarke stands here, the more she battles with her decision. Part of her knows she’s wrong, but the other part of her thinks that she is fully justified to have done what she did. She saved his life too, maybe not in an ideal way, but she did nonetheless - and she isn’t sorry for it.

Clarke decides to retreat, making for the door and slamming it behind her. She’s at her own room in a few strides, banging that door behind her too. Collapsing on her cold bed, Clarke stares into the darkness.

_God, she's so screwed._

Clarke is just starting to let her dreams take her when her cell beeps. It’s a text from Bellamy.

**‘I’M SORRY, PRINCESS. I KNOW YOU WERE JUST TRYING TO HAVE MY BACK.'**

She doesn’t reply. She can’t keep this up, keeping how she feels from him. It grows more and more and she can’t put a lid on it. But she has to, how could they possibly make this work? Two FBI agents, on the same taskforce, involved. Their ability to do their job would be seriously compromised.

What would it mean when they are on cases together? If who they chase knew there was a further connection of ‘just partners’, they would both be at risk of not being able to do their jobs. Hostage situations, ‘do this or else I shoot him’ situations.

Emotional, compromised agents. _Forget it_.

There’s a lot more reasons and Clarke lies there counting them - much of them stemming from her own fear of letting someone get close to her, letting someone hurt her again. Not that he feels like that for her anyway.

_Idiot._

She must let sleep take her from her thoughts because when Clarke opens her eyes, morning has arrived.

 

-

 

Clarke showers, brushes her teeth and pulls on fresh clothes in a matter of ten minutes. She goes for jeans again, dark this time. Her old reliable black, leather ankle boots are waiting at the end of her bed while she finishes throwing on a white fitted t-shirt. She brushes her hair out, letting the natural wave that is always present fall loose down her back.

She’s just applying some fresh mascara when there’s a knock at the door.

Clarke knows before she opens it that it’s Bellamy. The usual three heavy knocks give him away. She grabs her long, black, wool coat on the way to the door, creaking it open without waiting to look at him.

‘Hey’ she says quickly, leaving the door ajar for Bellamy to come in himself. She manages to steal a glance at him without letting him know – he’s wearing his well-tailored black suit pants today, a clean white shirt and his striped tie. His black duster coat falls just above his knees and his usual shoes are on his feet. He looks nothing out of the ordinary, yet Clarke’s heart palpitates. His hair is neater than last night and his eyes are bright and beautiful as always.

He’s a complete catch.

Clarke flicks her hair out from her coat collar and coughs out of nervous habit – an effort to distract herself. Her hotel room looks barely used and Clarke knows that Bellamy notices. It’s what they are trained for after all. The bed looks like it’s never been slept in – probably because she slept on top of the covers last night. The room is bright and airy but none of her things decorate the room. Her go-bag is still on the armchair and her toothbrush is laid across the bathroom sink. That’s it.

‘Hungover, Princess?’ Bellamy asks as Clarke grabs her badge and phone from the locker. When she turns to face him, he’s the definition of smug - shoulder leaning against the wall, hands in his coat pockets, eyebrows raised in humour. She can’t help but let a vague smile slip through, even though she’s annoyed by his old nickname for her.

‘No’ she answers abruptly, brushing out by him towards the door. He gives a snort of derision and Clarke knows without even looking at his face that he’s smirking. It’s half crooked, showing a little bit of his white, straight teeth. Clarke hates it – it drives her insane, but the butterflies are alight in her stomach all the same.

When did she get this way? A girl who goes weak at the knees for some guy who flashes a smile her way?

_Get a grip, Clarke. You’re an agent, not a school girl._

‘Nice to know that’s how I look though’ Clarke continues once she pulls open the door, a little bristled.

‘You look radiant, as always’ Bellamy winks at her when she turns to face him. It’s a little sarcastic but Clarke knows he means it lightly. She gives him a half smile, rolling her eyes and closes her hotel room door behind them. She’s used to him flirting with her but it’s just typical Bellamy. Hit with the ladies, smooth talker – your real life action man.

Clarke tries to pay no heed usually so it’s confusing for her that somehow, she thinks she’s fallen for this version of him along the way.

They stay silent the entire way to the SUV and it’s not until they are on their way to the station that Bellamy mumbles something about coffee.

The usual.

Another day, another case.

 

-

 

They are briefed by NYPD’s chief of police about the case they are assisting on today. Originally, it was only supposed to be the Dax case, but another one has arose.

That’s the thing with this job - work is never done and evil is never dead.

Today, it’s an investigation on a lead about a child abduction. The police force may have identified where the girl is being held and the Chief wants Clarke’s team to help with the case. The Unsub is considered dangerous according to his profile. The child he took was planned and hand chosen. He definitely didn’t anticipate on being found, especially not this soon.

Their lead is good so hopefully once they get on the scene, they find the girl and it's a quick and easy arrest.

S.W.A.T have been dispatched as the suspect is considered armed, based on their source. Clarke and Bellamy aren’t too far behind them in their SUV – especially not with Bellamy driving anyway. He’s never light on the pedal. Time is a sensitive matter with these kinds of cases so Clarke doesn’t tell him to slow down.

They pull up outside the isolated, old house. Trees surround the property making it more of a forest area.

A flashback of being pinned against the leaves by Dax enters Clarke’s mind as the woods crunch under her boots but she shoots the memory out. There can be no distractions.

Guns drawn, they quietly move around the property, S.W.A.T dotted around them. Their Director from their task force, Kane, has stayed behind, building a rock solid case against this man in case they find the girl and they are right about everything. The police did most of the investigating, so really the FBI are just staying on to assist with the arrest.

Monty, their tech analyst, is on the phone to Bellamy while the rest of their team returned to Washington this morning to start prepping the next case. Bellamy and Clarke could handle this one.

The air is so cold, Clarke can see her breath. Her navy, FBI jacket – matching Bellamy’s – keeps her warm though. The orange, red and yellow leaves on the trees holds her vision as they slowly turn the corner.

‘Split up - you take the back, I’ll take the front’ Bellamy says quietly as he hangs up from Monty. Clarke’s heart dips a little at the thought of not being near him, not being able to protect him – but she does what he says.

S.W.A.T line the perimeter, moving alongside Bellamy. Clarke beckons them on, turning around to make her way to the back door. She doesn’t need them, she’s just covering the back in case the Unsub tries to make a break for it. She’ll be waiting there for him, gun pointed to stop him in his tracks until S.W.A.T sweep the house.

She creaks up the wooden steps that leads to the door. Gripping the handle of her gun, Clarke slowly reaches out to turn the knob.

Suddenly, the door bursts open, taking Clarke by surprise. She stumbles slightly, holding tight to the stair railing as the door whacks her. The Unsub blows by her and she uses the opportunity to grab hold of his arm. Both of them fall down the flight of stairs and Clarke lands with a thud on the ground below her.

_Of course nothing would go to plan. And there goes her ribs, bruised further after yesterday’s case. Awesome._

As soon as they touch the ground, the Unsub is on his feet running towards the woods.

Male, 40’s, physically fit. He's their man. Clarke recites what she sees but her thoughts are interrupted by Bellamy's voice confirming through her ear piece that he has the girl.

Clarke needs to hear nothing else. She’s on her feet just as quick, grabbing her ribs as the pain surges through her stomach and chest. Her boots belt hard onto the leaf covered ground.

‘Blake, I have him’ she puffs into the communicator attached to her jacket sleeve.

Her eyes are focused on the target – Carl Emerson – running hell for leather towards the trees. Once he’s in there, it will be harder to find him, so Clarke picks up the pace. The blue sky beams over them but the nip in the air betrays how nice the day actually is. Clarke barely feels it now because the adrenaline coursing through her veins warms her up.

 _Damn_. He’s reached the woods.

Clarke bursts through the trees to find she can no longer see him. Left to right, nothing. She stops to listen. There’s no crackle of leaves to give her any indication of what way he’s gone. It’s bright in the woods but her vision is obstructed by the tree barks.

Silence.

Clarke lifts her wrist to her mouth, about to tell Bellamy that she’s lost visual when a hand grabs her arm holding her gun and another one slips around her throat. Emerson is behind her, backing into a tree to hide behind it.

Clarke’s heart quickens and the panic takes over. She tries to shout but he is almost suffocating her with his grip. Her gun fires into the ground and the only thing she can hope for is that Bellamy has heard it. Emerson disarms her after that, so quick she’s unsure how it even happened. He then slaps his hand around her mouth to gain more control.

_‘Okay, time to focus, Clarke.’_

Gathering herself, she takes a breath and rams her elbow as hard as she can into Emerson’s stomach. The arm around her throat releases instantly and Emerson is winded. Clarke grabs his arm holding her mouth and flips him over her. She falls with the force too, the slap off the ground echoing into her chest, but she has her breath back despite that.

She gets back on her feet with a stumble and her eyes scan the ground for her gun. She’s not quick enough and definitely not paying enough attention, because a punch to her jaw sends her backwards. In an instant, she hits back and pops Emerson’s cheekbone. The skin breaks and he’s bleeding. He’s back at her just as quick, tackling Clarke to the ground.

The next few seconds are a blur.

Both of them are drawing punches at one another but given Emerson’s power behind his throws, Clarke comes out the worst. One lands on her lip, another into her stomach and one more against her ribs – furthering the damage she imagines. Then, somehow, Clarke has ended up back where she started. She’s on her feet, disorientated, her back against Emerson and his arm around her throat. Her mouth is free this time but she’s still struggling for breath. Emerson’s other hand holds her gun, aiming it forward.

He's found her gun first. _Great._

Emerson is squeezing Clarke’s throat, this time suffocating her harder. He’s well built, so his arm is holding a great deal of power against her windpipe. It’s only then Clarke seems to put the whole thing together because why is he choking her when he has her gun?

Her heart seizes, flicking her eyes up and willing them to focus. She finds herself staring into Bellamy’s gun a few feet away.

‘Hands where I can see them, Emerson. Don’t be an idiot’ Bellamy says firmly. ‘You’re surrounded.’

‘I’ll kill her’ Emerson announces against Clarke’s ear. ‘I want to walk away from here or I’ll snap her neck and blow your brains out’ he tells Bellamy.

He’s aiming Clarke’s gun at Bellamy. Clarke knew it, but now it’s said out loud and she can feel herself start to panic. Not the way she panics or searches for solutions when she’s in danger or under pressure, no. This is different. It’s manic.

She glances to the side and she can see S.W.A.T agents all around them, all aiming their weapons at Emerson. They don’t have a clear shot and neither does Bellamy. Clarke is in the way.

‘Take…the…shot’ she struggles out, locking eyes with Bellamy.

‘Put the gun down, Carl. Let’s talk about this’ Bellamy ignores her.

‘Take the shot, Blake!’ Clarke strains as loud as she’s able.

‘Shut up, Clarke!’ Bellamy yells back at her and he’s clearly just as panicked, maybe even a little distracted by her in this amount of danger. He should be keeping a clear head. Clarke wills any fight left in her to the surface because she has to act now. Emerson could take Bellamy out in a heartbeat.

It's going to be a dangerous move - she could die easily here by Emerson's hand, but Bellamy will be safe.

She struggles, pulling Emerson’s arm with her hands. The sound of her gun firing from Emerson’s hand almost deafens her but thankfully it’s missed Bellamy in the commotion. Bellamy is on Emerson quick as lightening and Clarke is free, crouching on all fours on the ground.

The feeling of the dry leaves under her hands soothes her as she tries to focus on getting her breath back. Clarke’s airway feels like the size of a straw, cutting her like she’s trying to swallow a razor blade. It’s painful to breathe – maybe it’s the worry or maybe it’s the physical pain of trying to swallow air. All the same, Clarke draws breath like she never will again.

A few minutes pass and she starts to regain control of her breathing. She sees cops and S.W.A.T agents pushing Carl Emerson passed her in cuffs and Clarke breathes a sigh of relief. Backup must have been called when everything went down.

She lifts her head to look for Bellamy but he’s already beside her. He helps her onto her feet and Clarke gets her first look at him since the ordeal. His face is concerned and tight with worry – but unharmed. Clarke’s heart unclenches and she can breathe easy, despite her throat burning her when the air passes through.

His fingers gently touch her face, turning it slightly so he can get a better view of her neck.

Maybe Clarke is a little touch starved because she feels tingles shooting through her at the contact. It’s silent between them for a few moments, tender. His eyes are soft with concern and sadness and Clarke stares back at him, unsure of what to say or do.

Once Bellamy has had a good look at her and knows for sure that she’s as okay as can be, Clarke notices the look in his eyes change and feels a push against her shoulders.

‘That’s twice, Clarke!’ Bellamy pushes her again. ‘Twice! Twice in two days you’ve put your life in the hands of an Unsub with a gun. Do you want to die? Do you?’ he shouts loudly, his expression furious.

‘Agent Blake, take a walk’ Police Chief Pike stands in between them, shoving Bellamy away from Clarke. Bellamy’s eyes never leave hers, he barely even registers that Pike is there. She couldn’t respond even if she wanted to, her throat is on fire. So instead, she just stares at him in disbelief. He never yells in that manner and Clarke would have never thought he’d get physical with her.

_He’s pissed and thoroughly done._

Bellamy’s mouth is hard and his eyes are fixed on Clarke like he’ll never pull his gaze away.

‘Go, Agent Blake’ Pike says a little louder. Bellamy breaks eye contact and stares at Pike for a long second before walking away.

‘Let’s get you to a medic’ Pike says gently to Clarke, his eyes following Bellamy as he storms off. He leads Clarke out of the woods but she looks back over her shoulder for Bellamy. He’s a few feet away, his forearm resting on a tree while he catches his breath.

He’s shaking his head and Clarke knows he’s regretting his outburst, but Clarke also knows he's justified.

Once again, she was absolutely reckless and if one of her team behaved the way she did, she would flip her lid too.

So really, Clarke can't say shit.

She has fucked up, _again_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love receiving comments so do drop me one down below, even if it's your first time reading because I still read and reply to new comments.  
> If you want to find me on Tumblr or share the story: [here's the link.](http://eyessharpweaponshot.tumblr.com/post/183838375314/lose-you-too-bellarke-fbicriminal-mindsthe)
> 
> Also, I want to mention that a lovely fan of the story did a drawing of a scene at the end of this chapter and I am so honoured and chuffed that she took the time out of her life to do this. It's amazing and you guys should check it out, like it, reblog it and give her some love.  
> ['The Fool I Am' art piece.](http://thetraitorwhoyoulove.tumblr.com/post/178559681672/so-i-may-be-a-little-obsessed-with)


	2. Skinny Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay guys, chapter two. Thank you for your lovely comments on the last chapter. You ain’t ready for what's coming. This is a bit of a background chapter with a flashback included, not much action but still - I hope you guys like it.  
> Chapter title is from the song 'Skinny Love' by Bon Iver.

Dusk is falling by the time the medic is through with Clarke.

After the fifth time she refused to go to the hospital, he gave up on insisting. She can already breathe better now and it’s no longer painful to swallow. Her voice is a little hoarse and she has a few cuts and bruises, but nothing that won’t heal on its own.

‘Okay, so I’m confident that there’s no internal damage. It’s pretty much superficial and considering you won’t go to the hospital, you’re free to go, Agent’ the medic says, smiling at her as he snaps his glove off. Clarke smiles back in gratitude and hops down from her seat on the back of the ambulance.

Automatically, she searches for Bellamy and she hates that she does it. It’s just second nature at this point.

She spots him in the distance, leaning against his SUV as he talks to a cop - a pretty cop at that. Clarke recognises her from the station, Georgia - no, Gina.

If Clarke were to guess, Gina is mid-twenties like Clarke but a couple of years younger than Bellamy. She's beautiful, auburn brown hair with a natural curl in it and a stunning figure, even in her uniform. Bellamy is smiling at her, clearly amused at whatever story Gina is telling him and the jealousy that burns up inside Clarke is much worse than the burn in her throat from Emerson’s damage.

It’s silly and uncalled for - Bellamy isn’t hers. Maybe that bitter reminder hurts worse of all. She can’t blame Gina really, he’s a good guy. He’s respectful, honourable, loyal, kind and brave - things that normal people struggle to obtain. Not to mention how good looking he is.

Clarke must have been staring at the two of them for a long time because when Pike speaks beside her, she practically jumps.

‘You’re not dead yet then?’ Pike jokes.

‘Can’t be broken that easily, I’m afraid’ Clarke says back, her voice cracking because of the strain. The medic told her to rest it.

‘Your bravery is admirable, Agent Griffin. Of course, you know I’ll have to report what happened to Director Kane. He is head of your task force and he will want to know what went down’ Pike says almost regretfully. Clarke just nods, knowing that would have to happen. Kane will surely reprimand her this time, especially after she got away with breaking protocol yesterday on a warning.

Kane is rough around the edges and insanely good at his job, but he loves his team. He’s protective of them but as much as he loves them, he won’t hesitate to kick their asses if they are putting themselves or others in danger. The rules are there for a reason.

‘I am sorry in advance, Agent, but we are so thankful for the FBI helping us on both cases this past week. We are having a fundraiser tonight - I hope you and your team will join us, if you are feeling up to it?’ Pike says as he fixes his gun in his holster.

‘Well, some of our team are already back at Headquarters in Washington, but I’d imagine Kane and Agent Blake wouldn’t pass up the opportunity for some down time considering we don’t fly out until tomorrow’ Clarke shrugs, purposefully leaving herself out of the equation. She’s not sure she does feel up to it. All she can think about is her bed at this point.

Out of the corner of her eye, she sees Charlotte - the little girl who they helped today - approaching Bellamy. He was her rescuer after all. She thanks him for saving her, reaching up to give him a hug with her little arms. Her parents are beside her, looking at Bellamy with pure admiration. It’s days like this when they save lives that it makes all the bad in the job worth it.

'You’re welcome, sweetheart’ Clarke hears Bellamy say, wrapping Charlotte in his strong arms as he smiles. Clarke’s heart swells and again, she’s reminded of how perfect Bellamy is. She can’t be in the same SUV as him going back to town - she’s already emotional and exhausted, who knows what kind of reaction that would pry out of her if she were in close proximity with him.

‘Chief, could I bother you for a ride back to town?’ Clarke asks, glancing back to Pike.

‘Uh, sure! But I’m leaving now, you ready?’ He asks, gesturing towards his vehicle.

‘Let’s go’ Clarke smiles politely, pushing her hands into the pockets of her FBI jacket. She makes towards Pike’s car, doing all she can not to look back at Bellamy Blake.

 

-

 

Inserting the card into her hotel room door, Clarke can barely keep her eyes open. It’s hard to know if she’s tired from the past few days or if she’s just thoroughly fed up. The thought of Bellamy speaking to Gina played on her mind the entire way home because if their lives were different, she’d love to flirt with him like that.

Maybe that’s the killer - what could be.

Once inside, Clarke charges her phone that has died and showers, spending a little too long leaning against the cold tiles as the hot water blasts down on her wounds. Wiping the steam from the mirror afterwards, she doesn’t look as bad. Most of the blood is washed away and other than the severe bruising on her ribs, her face doesn’t look too wrecked. She does have a few cuts and a small amount of bruising, but thankfully there’s very little swelling considering the beating she took from Dax and Emerson.

Clarke dries her hair before checking her phone, revealing she has a voicemail from Director Kane. He informs her that she and Bellamy are to attend the fundraiser tonight. Nothing is said about her breaking protocol again but his voice is lacking the friendliness it normally holds - so she knows it’s coming. Clarke also knows better than to call him back and tell him she isn’t going, because she’ll be greeted with some kind of smart response like if she can dive into the hands of dangerous criminals with no regard for her life on the field, then she can attend a goddamn fundraiser.

Clarke sighs, calling down to reception. She asks them if they’d call somewhere to order a dress and a pair of shoes for her and surprisingly, the woman on the desk is more than happy to oblige.

‘Do you have any specifics in mind?’ The lady asks her.

‘I’m not fussy’ Clarke replies and that’s an understatement, she doesn’t even want to go. ‘It’s for a fundraiser so it just needs to be fancy.’

She starts applying her makeup afterwards, hoping it will hide the marks on her face enough to make her look half decent. The thoughts of facing Bellamy tonight are awful and she can’t stop thinking of his reaction today on the field. He was so angry with her.

Clarke’s not stupid, she knows he cares and he’s always been overly protective of them all, but he almost looked hurt today.

It’s not long before her outfit is delivered up to her. She tells them to charge it to her room and before long, it’s time to go.

Taking one last look at herself before she heads down for her cab, Clarke takes a deep breath.

She’s become rather thin, which she hates, but she’s not complaining right now because she actually looks good in her long, floor length black dress. It’s sleek, figure hugging and classy. Clarke couldn’t have chosen a better one herself. It comes high onto her neckline and cuts finely around her neck and shoulders, leaving her arms and back revealed. It has a subtle slit at the bottom, trailing all the way up to her thigh. It shows off her silver heels that sparkle when the light touches them.

Her blonde hair is full of body on the top and she's added some more defined curls at the bottom, just to add a little something. It hangs long down her back and falls in around her face which has way more makeup on than she’s used to. A smokey eye with some subtle pink lipstick. It goes nice with the subtle purple bruising that is starting to appear around her neck.

_Thanks, Emerson._

A part of her knows she has made so much effort because she wants Bellamy to think she looks good, which is utterly stupid. It’s not like she wants to seduce him - in fact, she wants the complete opposite of that. She wants these feelings she has for him to go away because nothing could ever happen. Yet, she cares about what he thinks of her.

Clarke hasn’t heard from him at all and when she steps out into the corridor, there’s no noise coming from his room next door. He normally has the TV on so he’s either not back from work yet, finishing paperwork or questioning Emerson and basically doing everything Clarke bailed from doing - that or he’s at the fundraiser already.

It’s only a short ride to the event and Pike greets her at the door, complimenting her on how well she's scrubbed up.

Face seen, representation of the task force complete. Clarke needs a drink.

She takes a seat at the bar and orders a tequila, downs it and orders another one immediately. While waiting, she uses this time to glance over her shoulder and scan the room. Cops, sergeants and other important bodies dot the floor. Military, politicians - the list goes on. But Clarke’s only searching for one person.

‘Nice to see you aren’t as beat up as they told me’ Kane mutters, suddenly beside her. Clarke snaps her attention away from the crowd, almost jumping with surprise.

‘Sir’ she addresses him.

‘Griffin, we’ve talked about this’ he says, not looking at her but staring forward towards the bar of drinks. He’s dressed smartly in black tie and his beard isn’t even as unruly as it normally is. ‘This is the second time this week you’ve broken protocol. Why didn’t you bring some of the S.W.A.T agents around back with you?’

Clarke sighs, not really wanting to tell him that she thought they should all be covering Bellamy.

‘Sir, it’s been a long day’ she replies, flicking her eyes towards him and hoping he’ll just drop it.

‘Well, tomorrow is going to be even longer because you’re going to stay late at Headquarters once we’re back. And that’ll be your job for the next fortnight, catching up with paperwork and helping Emori decide what cases we’ll be helping with next’ Kane straightens himself now, looking Clarke dead in the eye. He must notice her face faltering.

‘Don’t bench me, Kane. You can’t keep me out of the field’ she says, the desperation a little too transparent in her voice.

‘I can and I will. For as long as it takes for you to realise you can’t just make up your own rules out there, Griffin. Protocol is in place for a reason - to keep everyone involved safe, to keep you safe.’

‘I’m afraid today was on me, Sir.’

His voice sends shivers through her before she even turns around. When she does, she sees Bellamy standing behind her, donned in a black suit and white shirt with a black tie to complete his look. His hair is it’s normal dark mop of curls, but it’s just Bellamy Blake all over. Utterly gorgeous.

He doesn’t meet Clarke’s eye, instead he’s staring right at Kane.

‘I wanted the S.W.A.T team with me because we thought Emerson would try shoot his way out when we entered through the front, not be a coward and try to escape out the back.’ He says it with such confidence that Clarke almost believes him.

Clarke looks back at Kane, who just stares back at Bellamy. She isn’t sure he believes him but Kane nods in the end, telling them both to be more careful in future. He orders his drink from the bar and retreats into the crowd, leaving Clarke alone with Bellamy.

She looks back at him and honestly, he looks too good for any woman here.

He _is_ too good for any woman here.

Her mouth goes dry and she takes her shot of tequila to try and balance herself out. Bellamy doesn’t speak, he just takes a seat beside her and orders himself a glass of Jack.

‘You didn’t have to do that’ Clarke finds her voice and she notices Bellamy wince, probably at the hoarseness of it.

‘No, I could have let you be punished for this utterly reckless week you’ve had, Princess. But then there’s no fun for me for the next two weeks on cases. Who would I annoy?’ He says with a smirk.

Clarke gives him a small smirk of her own back, nudging him with her elbow before ordering another tequila. Butterflies are alive in her stomach, especially when she sees him side-eye her, flicking his stare up and down her body as he takes a drink.

To be honest, Clarke isn’t sure when she started to feel more for Bellamy Blake. She doesn’t know when the feelings of things like loyalty and protectiveness stopped being because he was her partner and moved onto being because he was more.

However, she does remember a time a couple of years ago when they were at Director Kane’s 40th birthday party and it was quite a significant moment in their time together.

It’s a moment Clarke remembers thinking that she would never meet anyone like Bellamy again.

 

_Bellamy and Clarke are sat on Kane’s outdoor garden swing. Her heels are off and her blue dress is flowing over the wooden seat. Both of them are drunk and laughing at some stupid joke Bellamy has just told. It’s about 3am and the stars are crystal clear, winking at them from their home in the inky sky._

_Clarke takes a swig from a bottle of vodka and places it back in between her legs._

_‘I love the stars, you don’t get to see them much in cities’ she tells him. ‘Do you ever wonder what it would be like to live up there?’_

_‘Mm, I used to’ Bellamy replies, leaning back in the swing and gazing up at the night sky. ‘I haven’t sat and looked at the stars in a long time.’_

_Clarke glances at him, taking in the freckles that dance across his skin and the way his dark curls are almost as black as the sky they’re looking at. Mostly, what catches her attention is the way his face is utterly content but yet his expression holds some nostalgia there._

_‘Is that so?’ Clarke says, smiling softly and Bellamy nods, forming a smile of his own._

_‘I was about ten and my sister and I were sat out on our mother’s porch. There was a lunar eclipse and I told Octavia everything I knew about it. She loved my stories, her favourite ones were of Ancient Rome and the Greek Gods’ he says._

_Clarke furrows her brow, not even knowing he had a sister._

_‘We watched the moon turn from white to black to white again. Then we just watched the stars for ages, think it was almost morning before we went back inside’ he finishes, taking a drink from his own vodka bottle._

_‘Your parents let you both stay up all night when you were so young?’ Clarke chuckles, but her laughter fades when she sees Bellamy’s face grow serious. He takes a breath, trying to find the right words._

_‘Uh, our mom wasn’t around that much. Our dad died before O was born and I guess mom just never recovered from that’ he says sadly. ‘She had a tough life trying to provide for us, made money in ways that required her to be gone at night.’_

_Bellamy lets the implication lie and Clarke can feel her heart breaking for him. The thoughts of a little Bellamy trying to comfort his sister while alone in their house was too much to take in. Maybe her heart breaks more because she's been through her own shit herself, and she can relate a bit too much._

_‘Eventually, she just stopped trying. Left us behind’ he mutters, taking another drink. Clarke is at a loss, she doesn’t even know what to say. ‘Social workers took over after that and Octavia and I were separated. I worked when I was old enough and worked hard, enough to get her back with me. She’s fine now, we’re fine. She lives just outside DC with her husband.’ Bellamy runs a hand through his hair, exhaling a breath Clarke didn’t know he was holding._

_‘I’m sorry, Bellamy’ she says softly, putting a hand on his shoulder to console him. She had no idea this lay behind making Bellamy who he is now. ‘Did you ever find your mom?’_

_‘Yeah’ he says, picking at the label on his vodka bottle. ‘Found her death record once I joined the force.’_

_He must feel Clarke grow tense and when he looks at her, her eyes are full of sadness and a need to erase everything bad that’s ever happened to this man._

_‘It’s fine’ he breaks a smile. ‘I have my family now. You guys are all I need. And Octavia of course.’_

_In hindsight, maybe he just said that to stop Clarke feeling sorry for him or to get rid of that sad look on her face, but she knows he meant it too. He looks back to the stars and smiles a little more._

_‘I hope she’s at peace now. And when we meet again, maybe she’ll be the same mother I had before things went bad. She raised me to be good, so I like to think that the brightest one’ he says, pointing to the star that’s glowing more than any of the others, ‘That’s her, watching me and protecting me while I protect others.’_

_Clarke can feel her heart swelling. Just then, something shoots across the sky. It's not as bright as a meteor - it's brief and subtle, but both of them notice because they snap their gazes to one another, smiling instead of asking the question 'did you just see that?'_

_'Can you wish on this kind of shooting star?' Clarke asks, staring back to where the light had disappeared. Bellamy is quiet for a moment before answering._

_'I wouldn't even know what to wish for.'_

_She lays her head on Bellamy’s shoulder and really, nothing else needs to be said._

_They stay like that for a long time, just like he once did with his sister, until the sun starts to appear and shine its light around Kane’s back garden._

 

Clarke learned a lot about Bellamy’s life after that. She knew that in foster care, he had a rough time and was in and out of hospital a lot.

She met Octavia once, at a Christmas party in Bellamy’s house. She has long, poker straight, dark hair and she holds so much strength like Bellamy does. She idolises her big brother, and so she should.

However, Clarke learned so much about Bellamy Blake as an actual man in that moment.

He had taken a situation that probably destroyed him inside and used it to become a better person. He could have blamed the world and let his circumstances destroy him, but he didn’t. Despite everything, despite having a horrible childhood, he became a person that wants to help and protect others. They see so many people in this job, evil people - some of them products from terrible childhoods, but Bellamy didn’t let that happen to him. He also forgave and understood his mother and kept the good part of her with him, not just as a star in the sky but in his heart as well.

It's inspiring.

Clarke knew the way she felt when she looked at him that night, and she knew she’d never feel that way again for anyone else in her lifetime.

Noise resumes in her ears and the sound of the band playing, the crowd talking and glasses clinking takes over her senses, bringing her back to reality. Bellamy is beside her, sipping on his drink and she lets herself look at him, taking in all the features on his face that she knows so well.

No wonder she has fallen so far for him.

‘Can I get you a drink?’ Gina says, appearing at the other side of Bellamy. She’s wearing a lime green dress, showing off her chest and curvy figure and looking like a goddamn model. Clarke tongues the inside of her lip, trying not to look too pissed off and quench the tightening in her chest.

_‘Stop it, Clarke. He’s not yours.’_

Bellamy smiles at Gina but declines, and this gets Clarke’s attention.

‘Have a flight to catch tomorrow and I guess I’m driving to the airport, considering how much tequila my partner here is putting away’ he tells Gina and Clarke side eyes him.

‘Smart ass’ Clarke mutters and she can slightly make out Bellamy smirking, even though he isn’t looking at her.

‘Thanks though, maybe next time I’m in town’ he says to Gina.

‘Shame’ Gina gives him a smirk of her own. ‘You look like you could do with letting loose’ she winks at him and Bellamy watches her go. He’d be out of his mind if he didn’t think Gina was utterly gorgeous, because Clarke certainly does.

‘Try to keep your jaw off the floor, Blake’ Clarke says a little more bitterly than she intended. Bellamy half smiles as he looks at her, folding his arms on the bar as he leans forward.

‘Green isn’t a good colour on you, Princess.’

‘Don’t flatter yourself’ Clarke huffs out. In an effort to appear more confident than she’s currently feeling, she straightens her back and crosses her leg, revealing her thigh through the slit in her black dress and orders two more shots.

When they arrive, she slides one over to Bellamy.

‘Let loose’ she says smartly and Bellamy can’t help but laugh, setting Clarke’s heart alight. He squints his eyes in apprehension of the bitter liquor he’s about to drink but follows suit when Clarke downs her one.

‘A hard drink for a hard day’ he states and Clarke nods, feeling her heart clench at the memory of how Bellamy looked at her when he pushed her. ‘I’m sorry about how I acted today’ he says as if reading her mind, but he’s not looking at her. He’s staring at his coaster like it’s the most interesting thing in the world.

‘I was almost strangled to death by a monster who takes children, you pushing me wasn’t the worst thing to happen today’ Clarke replies lightly - even though for her, it was. It was the look on his face when he did it, like she had absolutely broken him.

She doesn’t want him feeling the guilt though.

Bellamy must accept it because his shoulders release their tense form and he smiles.

The band starts playing a song Clarke recognises and Bellamy stands up.

‘It’s a shame to be sat at the bar in a dress like that. I noticed you the minute I walked in’ he tells her and Clarke’s heart skips a beat. She lets herself get excited at his comment for a moment only to realise he probably meant that he just recognised her or something.

The romantic in Clarke wants him to have only seen her in a room full of people, the way she sees him.

‘Come on’ he says, taking her hand and leading her towards the dance floor.

‘Blake, I’m not a very good dancer’ she lies, trying to pry her hand away because really, she doesn’t know if she can control her face when she’s that close to him. Bellamy just grips tighter and laughs, shaking his head.

‘Shut up, Princess’ he jokes as he pulls her into him. He places one hand on her lower back and his other one encases hers. Her free hand takes its place on his shoulder and then they’re moving.

Clarke’s ribs hurt a little when they turn but she doesn’t mind, the tequila is taking the edge off. She can’t look him in the eyes and it makes her look so unconfident, so instead she glances to the faces around the room.

She spots Gina, watching from the edge of the dance floor. She can’t help but feel a little smug that Bellamy is dancing with Clarke and not her. She also spots Kane talking to Pike and a few other important officials near the door.

The band are playing _Chasing Cars_ by  _Snow Patrol_  and when Clarke does steal a glance at Bellamy, his eyes are fixed on her. It’s like nothing else in the room exists but them. Clarke knows he can look at her like that because he has no intimate feelings for her, so it doesn’t faze him. He’s not jittery like Clarke, he’s confident and unbothered.

The band sing the lyrics flawlessly.

’ _All that I am, all that I ever was,_

_is here in your perfect eyes, they’re all I can see._

_I don’t know where, confused about how as well._

_Just know that these things will never change for us at all_.’

A shiver flies down Clarke’s spine as the lyrics sink in and she feels like the emotion she’s experiencing could bring tears to her eyes.

The song fades out before she has to fight back any waterworks and a livelier song begins to play. Bellamy, the skilled man that he is, changes his dancing style and starts waltzing with her now.

Clarke is used to dances, she used to have to attend them all the time with her family who were always either guests or hosting fundraisers like this one. She came from quite a privileged background once and it's really the only life she allowed her team to know about.

They don't need to know about what happened when her dad died.

It's why Bellamy calls her Princess all the time - if only he knew. She left her 'Princess' life behind a long time ago.

‘Kane will be happy that we at least look like we’re enjoying ourselves’ Bellamy says. ‘It looks well on the task force.’

Clarke’s heart sinks into her stomach. He just asked her to dance to fulfil a role here, to keep up appearances? More to the point, why did she hope for more? She’s the one telling herself that nothing can happen so what the hell is she doing?

‘I need another drink’ she says abruptly, pulling away from Bellamy and making her way towards the bar again.

‘Clarke?’ Bellamy calls after her but she keeps walking and doesn’t attempt to look back until she’s ordered another tequila. She sees that Gina has taken her place with him on the dance floor.

 _Good_. He deserves someone he actually likes and who is open to giving him more than Clarke can.

Bellamy meets her eyes and he doesn’t look away until he has to turn. Snapping her gaze away, Clarke takes her shot and decides to leave. She knows Bellamy can see her walking towards the doors because she can hear the vague sound of him calling her name over the noise of the party. She says her goodbyes to Kane and Pike, with Kane telling her he will contact her about flight arrangements.

Once outside, Clarke takes a moment to breathe in the cold night air outside before proceeding to grab herself a cab back to the hotel.

Inside her room, she struggles to control herself.

She doesn’t know whether to cry or scream.

Pulling off her dress, she decides she’s not drunk enough to deal with this mess she’s gotten herself into. She puts on her jeans and boots and a white bodycon top, grabs her badge and phone and pounds downstairs to the bar she was in last night. She needs to get drunk, drunk enough to forget this crap with Bellamy.

_How has she let this happen?_

The more annoyed at herself she gets, the more she drinks.

_He’s your goddamn partner, Clarke, nothing more._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please comment down below, even if you're new to the story and keep me updated with your thoughts along the way :)  
> If you want to find me on Tumblr or share the story: [here's the link.](http://eyessharpweaponshot.tumblr.com/post/183838375314/lose-you-too-bellarke-fbicriminal-mindsthe)
> 
> Also, please check out another amazing drawing that was created inspired by this chapter - I'm actually so in love with it. The detail and effort put into it is just phenomenal.  
> ['Skinny Love' art piece.](http://thetraitorwhoyoulove.tumblr.com/post/178812509342/from-the-fan-fic-on-ao3-lose-you-too-by)


	3. Carry On

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains some long awaited smut. I told you guys it was slow burn and it is, not everything is clean sailing.  
> Enjoy and keep letting me know what you think :)  
> Chapter title is from the song 'Carry On' by Picture This.

Clarke is lost in her thoughts, trying to figure out what to do going forward.

She’s been in the hotel bar for about an hour and a half now, just her and a bottle of tequila. Her head is cradled in her arms as she twists the bottle round and round with one hand.

How she’s able to form a comprehensive thought at this point is admirable. She came down to forget but she hasn’t stopped thinking about Bellamy for one minute.

The way his hand felt on her lower back as they danced, how the lyrics and sad melody of the song made her heart almost break as she looked at him, but how he looked at her - that’s what got her most of all.

She’d give anything to be a normal girl with a normal job so she could be okay with asking him if he’s looking at her the way she hopes he is. So they could have a chance. She’s sick of telling herself that she can’t want him, because she does.

Far too much.

‘Clarke’ she hears someone say, breaking her out of her stupor. She lifts her head a little too quickly because her head spins.

It’s Bellamy. Of course it’s fucking Bellamy. His suit jacket and tie are off and his shirt hangs loosely over his pants. He looks tired.

‘I’ve been knocking on your door and calling your phone for the bones of an hour now, what are you doing?’ Bellamy asks her, his voice like gravel - deep and titillating. Clarke hates how it affects her, so maybe that’s the reason she gets her back up.

‘I’m fighting panthers in the woods’ she deadpans, waving her bottle in front of him to show him that she’s obviously drinking. It’s a little immature but really, right now, Clarke does not give a shit.

‘I think you’ve had enough’ Bellamy grumbles, pulling the bottle from her and placing it out of her reach. ‘What is going on with you?’

‘Nothing’ Clarke scoffs, slipping off the bar stool and pushing by him. He tries to grab her arm as she goes but she snaps it away, stumbling towards the lobby.

On the way up in the elevator, she pulls out her phone which reveals many, many missed calls from Bellamy. He must have called her over thirty times.

Once inside her hotel room, Clarke splashes some water on her face in order to sober herself up but it definitely doesn’t work. Her mascara is smudged under her eyes when she looks in the mirror and the purple bruising on her neck is really starting to show now. She wipes her eye line with the back of her hand and finger combs her hair - anything to distract herself from the horrible ache inside her chest.

She can’t keep shutting him out. She really has been falling further and further into this as the months have gone on, and Clarke knows Bellamy has noticed her absence. She no longer attends parties or nights out with the team and she always seems to have excuses when they have something planned on their days off.

At work, she’s civil and as friendly as she can manage with Bellamy but its proving more and more difficult to just not blurt out how she feels.

She wonders, just for one night, if she could get it out of her system - would it relieve anything?

Before she has time to even think this plan through, Clarke finds herself knocking on Bellamy’s door.

It creaks open, revealing Bellamy standing on the other side. His shirt is fully opened now, clearly after being disturbed mid-change.

It’s only then that Clarke has a thought that makes her stomach drop. Maybe he’s not alone. Maybe he brought Gina back with him.

‘Am I interrupting?’ Clarke asks quietly, gesturing towards his room behind him. He furrows his brow, making a face.

‘Of course not’ he tells her like that of all things should be obvious, standing aside to let her in.

His lights are off but it’s obvious his bed is undisturbed from housekeeping. Darkness is holding one half of the room and the lights of the city hold the other, creeping in through the floor to ceiling windows.

Half of Bellamy’s face is illuminated by the light, the other the dark. His curls fall softly around his forehead, making him look boyish and sweet. He stands with his hands in his pockets and with his eyes waiting.

Waiting for Clarke to talk.

Except she has no idea what to say - how does she even suggest a one night stand to him? It’s probably a stupid idea - the thought that having one with him would erase whatever it is that she’s feeling, but she has to try.

Who’s to say he’d even want her like that?

‘Bit ironic that you call me ‘Princess’ for doing things like attending fundraisers’ she says as an opening, meaning for it to come out light but instead it comes out a little bitter.

Bellamy sighs, looking down at his socks before pulling his gaze back up to her.

‘Is this why you’re here? To argue?’

Clarke sucks in her bottom lip, stays silent for a moment and then takes a step to leave because this will never work. Bellamy side steps before she can walk any further, stopping her in her tracks.

‘Clarke, what is going on?’ He asks, concerned. The way he says her name ignites sparks in her chest, his voice dropping an octave.

‘What do you mean?’ Clarke replies, folding her arms as if to protect herself and taking a step back.

The skin between her top and her jeans is showing, dotting her flat stomach with goosebumps because really, she isn’t here for a confrontation or revelation. She just wants to take the edge off.

The way he’s looking at her right now makes her feel vulnerable and Clarke forces her eyes to lock on his. If not, there’s a good chance they’ll travel down to his bare, muscular chest and she’ll give herself away too soon.

‘This routine you seem to have going on - you seem to have no regard for your life in the field lately and then no regard for your body out of it. You’ll drink yourself to death one of these days and you’d definitely starve if I wasn’t there reminding you to eat’ he says, shaking his head at her. ‘You’ve been cold with me for months now, you barely come out with us anymore. What is going on with you? Is it something to do with me?’

Clarke’s mouth is dry and her is heart racing because she can’t think of anything to say. She’s not sober enough to be having this conversation and protect herself from saying anything stupid or honest.

‘Forget it’ she says quietly, dropping her arms and making for the door. Bellamy is in front of her as quick as anything, blocking her again.

‘Woah, woah - am I hitting a nerve here, Princess? Getting warm?’ He’s being patronising and it’s irritating her now. She tries to move passed him again but fails.

‘Clarke, just talk to me’ Bellamy pleads, his eyes growing a little softer.

She can’t, she’s afraid of what she might say - what might come out.

‘I have nothing to say’ she mutters, meeting his brown eyes. A look of weariness washes over Bellamy’s face because she’s lying and he knows it.

‘I’ve obviously done something to make you upset with me. You haven’t been the same for a long time and it’s only getting worse. Either it’s me or something is going on personally that you won’t talk about, and it has to stop. It’s affecting your work and your safety’ he says sternly. ‘So you either talk to me, Clarke, or so help me I’ll tell Kane the truth about what happened today and let him bench you, along with recommending a psych consult to clear you before you re-enter the field.’

Clarke is at a complete loss.

_Shit, what is she gonna do?_

‘Bellamy, don’t get into this with me’ she warns him.

‘I am getting into this with you! Don’t push me, Clarke. I’m patient but it has its limits. So tell me, come on - why are you putting your life in danger?’

‘Because of you!’ Clarke yells. Her brain had no part in that outburst and it leaves a dense silence in the air after it. Bellamy just stares at her. ‘It’s just a panic response of seeing you in trouble’ she tries to explain herself further.

‘I’m a big boy, Clarke’ Bellamy says quietly, his voice rough and low. ‘I got into the FBI the same way you did. I’m trained the same way you are. I was cleared for undercover missions just like you. I can handle myself.’

Clarke feels stupid, like she’s just embarrassed herself further because he’s right. He doesn’t understand and how could he? She hasn’t told him that it ties into her having feelings for him because if she did, it would all make sense to him.

‘What I can’t handle is you doing what you’re doing’ Bellamy finishes after a long moment, walking away from Clarke towards his bed.

‘Why not?’ Clarke hears herself ask. ‘Why do you care so much?’

‘I could ask you the same thing’ he meets her eyes when he answers, his voice gravelly and deep as always.

‘I care about all of the team’ she replies pathetically because if she ever had an opening to tell him everything, that was it.

Bellamy waits a moment before dropping eye contact with her, putting his hands on his hips and leaning more on one leg than the other. It’s a stance she sees him do often - when he’s deep in thought or when he’s troubled.

Clarke tucks a lock of her hair behind her ear and looks down at the ground, wishing the tense silence between their sentences would vanish.

‘So you’re abandoning protocol and having no regard for your own life in the field because you’re protecting me?’ Bellamy confirms when at least a minute has passed. ‘Protecting all of us?’

‘Right’ Clarke nods, meeting his eyes again and hoping he buys that. It’s technically not a lie, but it’s not the full truth either.

‘What’s your excuse out of the field? Why are you different than before?’ Bellamy challenges, squinting his eyes.

‘Bellamy’ Clarke groans, irritated now that he’s not dropping it. ‘It really doesn’t matter, does it?’

Bellamy pinches the bridge of his nose, holding back his words. The silence in the room thickens the air so much that Clarke is nearly afraid to breathe.

She grows steadily more angry as the moments without a response go on.

‘What? Come on, Blake. You said you wanted to talk about it, let’s talk about it. It doesn’t matter what I’m like outside of our job! Does it?’

‘It matters to me!’ Bellamy is the one to yell now. ‘It matters because something is clearly fucking wrong with you, Clarke! And you won’t tell me! When the hell did that happen? When did we stop being able to talk to one another like that?’

Clarke just stares at him, the residue volume of his loud voice hanging in the air. When he realises she isn’t going to answer, he sits back on the end of his bed, head in hands and balancing his elbows on his knees.

New York appears surprisingly quiet and no sound can be heard in the hotel room only their breathing and the pulse in Clarke’s ears.

Impulse takes over and before Clarke even knows what she’s doing, she’s kicked off her boots. Bellamy looks up, removing his head from his hands.

‘What are you doing?’ He asks in a low voice, shattering the quiet in the room.

‘ _What am I doing?_ ’ Clarke thinks to herself, but she has to do this. She has to try change this between them - get back to what they were. Maybe if she sleeps with him, it will take the edge off these stupid feelings.

It’ll prove to Clarke that it’s not real, its just lust combined with her love for him as a friend, as a partner.

The tequila has made her brave and if he rejects her, she can just blame it on the alcohol.

The sober part of Clarke is trying to shout sense at her from a distance and a niggling voice is telling her that this is only going to make things worse, but she’s choosing to ignore it in her drunken haze.

Bellamy is still staring at her when she pulls her white top over her head, exposing her lace bra beneath. His eyes roll down to her breasts and back up to her face, his jaw slack.

Judging by the look on his face, he’s surprised this is happening.

Clarke walks over slowly, standing in front of him as he straightens himself. His face is right in front of Clarke’s chest now but he doesn’t move, doesn’t dare touch her.

‘This is a bad idea’ he whispers through the silence, looking up at her and meeting her eyes.

She ignores him, mainly because she knows he’s right so instead, she sits down astride him with her knees either side of his body.

Their faces are inches apart. One of her hands is positioned behind his neck and the other on his face, feeling the stubble that is starting to grow there. His body is warm against hers and her heart is racing.

‘You’re drunk, Clarke’ Bellamy’s breath catches. He’s trying to be that respectful guy she knows so well - not wanting to take advantage and not wanting to jeopardise anything between them, but his desire is betraying him. His hands are ghosting over her lower back and his breathing is heavy. His eyes are following Clarke’s mouth as if he wants to kiss her so she guesses he does find her attractive at least.

‘So?’ Clarke responds, pressing her forehead against his as her hand moves down to his chest, feeling the muscles that reside there. They slowly move up to the curve of his defined shoulders, appreciating them as she feels them under his shirt.

‘You’re not thinking about what you’re doing’ he says, that husky voice drawing Clarke in even more. She has it bad when even his voice is enough to make her want him.

Bellamy’s eyes are fixed on hers, waiting.

‘Doesn’t have to mean anything’ she says quietly, trying her best to believe that.

‘Clarke’ Bellamy breathes. ‘Clarke, we can’t’ he whispers.

‘Tell me to stop’ she says as she runs her nose along his neck, just under his ear. Her fingers around the back of his head curl into his hair and Bellamy exhales a breath of arousal. Clarke softly grazes her lips along his well-defined jaw line and his hands automatically grip her skin on her back.

The thrill hits her then - he wants her, too.

‘Tell me to stop’ Clarke repeats, lifting her head to look him dead in the eye. Her breath is shallow and ragged and she can’t look any more vulnerable, but good God, he can’t look any more desirable.

He thinks this is just because she’s drunk, but he doesn’t know that Clarke wants him even when she’s sober. She wants him with such an ache that it’s crazy she’s lived with it for so long.

Her hair lies over one eye - she knows she already looks wrecked and he’s barely touched her. It feels like forever has gone by while she waits for him to respond, his eyes scanning her face.

Whatever he’s looking for, he must find it.

‘Don’t stop’ he breathes.

With that, Clarke closes the space between them and their lips meet.

Their kiss is everything Clarke thought it would be. He kisses her with such intensity, pulling her head closer to him with the hand he’s put on the back of her head. When she feels his tongue on her lower lip, she opens up and welcomes it in. It lights fireworks inside of Clarke and she can’t believe this is happening.

She’s kissing Bellamy Blake.

Consequences, aftermath, problems, doubts - they all leave her mind and all that remains is how much she wants him.

His hands move down to her sides, holding her tight as he falls back on the bed slowly, Clarke following on top of him. Their lips never part as he rolls over on top of her and her arms wrap around his neck.

Clarke can’t help but moan and when she does, Bellamy pulls back a little, enough for him to look at her. His hair falls over his forehead, not too long but definitely messy and he’s almost panting for air.

At first, Clarke thinks she’s put him off somehow but instead, a look takes over his eyes like he needs to hear that again.

He dives to her neck, kissing her with such hunger that Clarke can feel the wetness gathering between her legs. She doesn’t even mind that it’s a little sore around her throat from her bruising, but it’s dark so Bellamy doesn’t seem to notice. She moans again, a little louder this time.

‘Fuck’ Bellamy breathes against her neck, before continuing his kissing trail down to her chest. He pulls down the cup of her bra before taking a hard nipple into his mouth. It’s not until his eyes flick up to hers and he sucks hard that Clarke’s head falls back against the bed.

‘Bellamy’ she moans. At this, Bellamy lets out a moan of his own before grinding his hips into the mattress in order to gain some friction. He grabs her other breast in his hand. She’s blessed with a good set of tits and she can’t help pushing her chest up into his hand and mouth, aching for more.

It’s not until he slips his fingers into the other cup that he smirks - and she knows why.

Her right nipple is pierced, and it definitely pleases him. Her bra unclasps at the front so he wastes no time in unhooking it and pushing it back off her shoulders.

His eyes are glued to her chest, taking in the sight of her.

He meets her eyes and his mouth is back on hers in a second, his hands squeezing her breasts and turning on her on even more. Especially when his fingers start playing with her piercing, which he seems to enjoy just as much as her.

He’s extracting moans from Clarke by the second and he smirks against her mouth, clearly loving that he can make her feel like this and he hasn’t even gotten started. He seems eager and briefly, Clarke wonders if he’s ever thought about this before.

His fingers trail down her flat stomach until they reach her jeans. He starts to undo her buttons - way too slow for how horny she’s feeling.

‘Come on, Bellamy’ she mumbles against his mouth.

‘So impatient, Princess’ he tuts but does as he’s told, slipping his fingers inside her so quick that Clarke barely has time to catch up with what’s happening.

‘Fuck, you’re wet’ he grunts, moving his fingers skilfully so that it pulls more and more moans from Clarke.

She needs him - she doesn’t ever want this to end but she needs the release she’s chasing too.

Her hands push his shirt off his defined shoulders and he pulls his hand away to get it off. Clarke almost whimpers at the loss of contact but he doesn’t disappoint. He pulls her jeans down over her legs, tosses them aside and then gets to work taking off his own.

When he takes his suit pants off, Clarke can’t help but notice his cock bulging through his black boxers - and really, she has to have that.

She shoves him back, his eyes questioning her but allowing it all the same. Keeping eye contact with him, she kisses down his muscular chest and abs until she reaches the waistline of his boxers. It’s then that she pulls them down a little, allowing his cock to spring free.

He’s big, way bigger than she’s ever had and Bellamy smiles at the look on her face.

‘Like what you see, Princess?’ He smirks, out of breath because clearly he’s waiting for this. Clarke doesn’t tell him a response with but shows him, wrapping her lips around the head of his cock and sucking it hard.

‘Fuck’ Bellamy says again, his head falling back against the bed. She takes him well, swallowing him as much as she can before pulling her tongue up the length of him and releasing with a pop.

His moans encourage her to keep going, relishing the musky taste of him. Her tongue dances over his cock while one hand pumps the length of him. All in all, she just can’t wait to have him inside her.

She can’t help but slip her own hand down between her legs to rub her clit because its almost burning at how much she’s turned on. When he sees this, he moans so loud that Clarke almost comes herself there and then.

’Jesus, Princess. You’re trying to kill me.’

After a few minutes, he gives her hair a tug.

‘Stop, stop’ he murmurs and Clarke lets go immediately, fearing for a moment that she’s done something wrong. ‘I’m gonna come if you keep doing that.’

Clarke smirks.

‘Come then’ she says cheekily, about to take him in her mouth again but he flips her onto her back before she even knows whats happening.

‘You first’ he says, his deep voice a little hoarse from their activities - and with that, he travels down, pulls her panties aside and then is mouth is on her.

‘ _Oh, God_ ’ she thinks. Her eyes flutter shut but she forces them open because goddamn, she has to watch this.

The sight of Bellamy between her legs, his broad shoulders and black curls and his mouth relishing her is a sight that will never leave her. Of course he’d be skilled with this, too.

He licks and kisses and sucks her pussy and in less than two minutes, Clarke is so close to an orgasm she can barely contain herself.

‘Bellamy’ she moans, breath ragged and sparse and he knows. Immediately, he focuses his attention on her clit while pushing two fingers inside her, and that’s it.

Her nerves light up with pleasure and she’s coming. She’s not sure she even recognises her own voice in that moment, moaning and gasping and calling his name. Bellamy doesn’t let up until she’s ridden out her orgasm and then he’s on her lips once more, letting her taste herself.

Clarke has never came like that before - it was exhilarating.

‘Condom?’ He asks between kisses.

‘No need, pill’ she barely gets out and that’s all he needs to hear because in an instant, he’s lined himself up at her entrance, pulled her panties aside once more and pushed himself into her. He’s so big that she gasps but she wills herself to relax.

’You okay?’ Bellamy asks, stopping because he knows she’s finding it hard to take him.

’Yeah, don’t stop’ she tells him because she’s not going back now. He pushes into her slow, giving her time.

‘Jesus, Princess’ he groans into her ear. ‘You’re so wet, so fucking tight.’ His words send a wave of pleasure through her and it’s no longer uncomfortable to take him, it’s fucking heaven.

’Fuck, Bellamy’ Clarke groans and Bellamy knows the discomfort is gone. When he’s bottomed out inside her, he begins to move. He thrusts in and out of her frantically and the more he does it, the more she needs him.

‘Bellamy, faster’ she breathes and he obliges, fucking her wantonly.

The sharp noise of Bellamy’s phone ringing cuts into the room and they pause, panting for breath. Clarke can see it’s Kane from where it lies on the nightstand and she knows it’s late, meaning it’s probably important.

‘I don’t care if there’s a shoot out downstairs, I am not answering that phone’ Bellamy breathes, continuing fucking Clarke like there’s no tomorrow. His phone rings twice more but they ignore it, letting it ring out.

Both of them are sweating but utterly lost in this, so much so that Clarke barely even notices the pain in her bruised ribs from Bellamy leaning against her.

The feel of his cock sliding in and out of her is so good that before long, she can feel a familiar pressure starting to build. He must feel it too because he picks up the pace.

‘Yeah, Princess, let go’ he encourages. She’s almost there when he whispers ‘come on, baby’ into her ear. That’s what tips her over the edge, squeezing and pulsing around his cock as another powerful orgasm hits her.

He falls over with her, jerking his hips against her twice more and coming himself, spilling into her as she rides out her own.

Both of them were so loud in that moment, Clarke is sure reception five floors down have heard them.

‘Holy shit’ he breathes as he falls onto the cold sheets.

It’s the last thing Clarke hears before falling into a dreamless sleep, exhausted.

 

-

 

A loud knock on the door jolts Clarke awake.

Bellamy is already sitting upright, leaning back on his hands and looking startled at the sudden wake up.

The clock on the wall shows 6am but Clarke feels like they’ve barely been asleep. The room is much brighter but _damn_ , Clarke’s hangover is definitely kicking in.

‘Blake? It’s Kane, open the door.’

Bellamy looks at Clarke before getting up and pulling on his boxers that he finds abandoned on the floor.

Clarke, pulling the sheet of the bed with her to cover herself, stands inside the alcove of the room so she won’t be seen.

‘Sir?’ Bellamy says after opening the door, greeting their Director.

‘Catching up on your beauty sleep, Agent Blake?’ Kane says smartly. ‘I’ve been calling you.’

‘Sorry, Sir’ Bellamy says, trying not to sound flustered. ‘I didn’t hear the phone, yesterday must have caught up on me.’

‘Our flight leaves in a couple of hours, get dressed. If you had answered your phone, you would have had more time - I told you I’d be in contact with flight arrangements’ Kane tells him. ‘Where’s Agent Griffin? Conveniently she’s not answering her phone either, or her door for that matter.’

Clarke winces, glancing at her jeans on the floor where her phone lies hidden in the back pocket - on silent.

‘Uh’ Bellamy stutters. ‘She’s here with me, Sir.’

Clarke blanches.

_What is he doing?_

‘She didn’t feel great after the fundraiser last night and she had a hard day yesterday, so I told her to crash on my couch - you know, in case something happened to her during the night’ Bellamy explains and Clarke breathes a sigh of relief.

Okay, at least that sounds better than the truth of it.

Kane is silent for a moment and Clarke figures he’s sizing up the lie Bellamy just told him. Without seeing his face, Clarke can’t be sure if he believes him or not.

‘Meet me downstairs in ten. Both of you’ Kane says and with that, the door clicks closed a few seconds later.

Clarke comes out from hiding and Bellamy is already back in the centre of the hotel room, stopping at the bed.

He’s lost for words and to be honest, so is Clarke.

She’s sober now and definitely reliving what they did. It looks like Bellamy is too. They stare at each other in silence for what seems like forever before Clarke can’t take it anymore.

‘I’ll go get my things, maybe take a quick shower. Meet you downstairs in a few’ she says quietly, moving swiftly past him to collect her clothes from the floor.

She’s just pulling on her jeans when he speaks.

‘We just gonna ignore this, then?’

‘I told you last night, it doesn’t have to mean anything’ Clarke says quickly as she puts on her top.

‘Right, it was just sex’ Bellamy says but it sounds like a question.

Clarke nods, because that’s all it was supposed to be. It was supposed to be something to take the edge off, to prove to herself that this is all it was - just a craving for him.

Yet the voice she tried to shut up last night is now shouting at her, telling her how wrong she was.

She’s _in love_ with him, and sleeping with him doesn’t make that go away. It just makes her want him more.

Now she’s just gone and complicated things further.

How can she be any way normal with him now?

She stood half naked in front of him, practically begging him to take her. He’s going to do what most guys would have done.

Now he’s probably worried about this changing their dynamic and affecting their work. So she has to reassure him - reassure him that this embarrassing, stupid idea of hers won’t cause problems

’Don’t worry about it, won’t happen again’ she tells him with a forced smile as she flicks her hair out of her top.

He’s standing in just his boxers, hands on his hips and leaning on one leg more than the other. Clarke can’t help but admire his physique, can’t help but think back on how she worshiped him last night.

He’s staring at her under his brows but says nothing. She doesn’t want to wait to see if he _has_ anything to say, so Clarke just grabs the rest of her things and makes for a quick exit.

‘See you in ten’ she tells him, closing his hotel door behind her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Drop me a comment down below, even if you're new to the story and keep me updated with your thoughts along the way - I always try and reply to everyone.  
> Please feel free to follow me on Tumblr and share the fic if you're enjoying it :) [here's the link.](http://eyessharpweaponshot.tumblr.com/post/183838375314/lose-you-too-bellarke-fbicriminal-mindsthe)


	4. Gravity

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for telling me how much you're loving the story.  
> This ones from POV Bellamy just to shake things up a little. I'll be doing his POV every 4th chapter.  
> Chapter title of this one is from the song 'Gravity' by EDEN.

Clarke must stay in the shower as long as she can get away with because Kane and Bellamy are waiting in the lobby of the hotel way longer than ten minutes.

Kane is sighing audibly, checking his watch every minute or so while Bellamy just rubs his eyes, not really giving a shit if they miss their flight or not because he’s so damn tired. He places his go-bag at his feet because his shoulders are killing him from holding it.

Yet, as exhausted as he is, he would do last night again and again.

A large part of him can’t believe it happened. All he wanted was to find out what was going on with her - he never dreamed it would end up like that.

He’s had feelings for Clarke since the first day she walked into Headquarters. Her hair was long and blonde, like now, but she wore a hardness in her face that made her look a little frightening. Still, he developed a soft spot for her easily.

The closer she got to the team and to Bellamy, the more she let herself go. She smiled more, went out to the bars with them to play darts or pool on Thursday nights and attended their parties around the holidays.

She really became one of the family and she became so important to him somewhere along the way.

When Clarke first joined the team, she had a quality about her that seemed to make her protect herself from getting close to anyone, but they wore her down - maybe that’s what bothers Clarke now.

Maybe she’s putting her life in danger for them out of instinct, like she said, and she can’t bare that because she never let herself care so much for anyone. Maybe it scares her and she’s trying to pull back.

It pisses Bellamy off to no end though because his heart stops every time he sees her being so utterly stupid - this is real life and he’s not sure she realises that she can fucking die.

It’s why he pushed her yesterday, even though he hates himself to high heaven for it now. He just lost it a little.

Clarke’s not as immortal as she likes to think she is. Still, he’s trying to understand. He is really trying.

All of these thoughts and possibilities have been running through Bellamy’s mind the last few months - ever since she started becoming more reckless than normal in the field and especially since she’s stopped socialising with all of them outside of work.

He’s just trying to make sense of it all. Maybe she has something going on in her personal life that he just has no idea about.

Bellamy knows she’s had a couple of ex-lovers, even though she’s never spoken much about them. He doesn't think that's it though and he would have definitely noticed if she had someone new on the scene.

He knows she had quite a privileged upbringing and that her parents are really well off, but really, that’s all Bellamy knows about Clarke’s past come to think of it.

Anytime someone asked, he noticed Clarke would brush them off or change the subject - Bellamy just thought she was embarrassed of her privilege and the asshole part of him likes to tease her for it, calling her Princess and the likes.

But maybe it’s more than that. Maybe Clarke has a lot more demons in her past than she cares to let on. Maybe it's family stuff that's bothering her.

Too many maybe's for Bellamy to know what could be wrong with the Princess for sure.

_Princess._

The memory of Bellamy calling her that last night erupts into a flashback.

 

_He’s on top of her gorgeous body, slipping inside her as she moans in pleasure._

_He starts to move, never wanting it to end because he’s finally here._

_He’s finally getting to show Clarke how much he appreciates her - how much he thinks she’s so beautiful and sexy and how much of an irreplaceable part of his life that she is._

 

Damn.

_Why couldn’t he just tell her?_

He almost asked her to go on a date with him when they were dancing at the fundraiser.

Bellamy had been staring at her throughout their entire dance, so much so that it probably seemed a little creepy but he couldn’t help it.

She’s so goddamn beautiful.

He chickened out of asking her though, saying something else instead about Kane being happy that they are representing the task force well.

 _Pathetic._ Too much is at stake for those kinds of questions - for Bellamy to be living his dreams as a reality.

Besides, it’s probably good that he didn’t ask her because she left soon afterwards, clearly bothered again by whatever the hell is going on with her.

Maybe it’s not the right time to finally tell her that he has feelings for her. Not when things aren’t right in her life. Maybe things will never be right. Maybe he'll stop using excuses like 'the timing being off' and just keep acknowledging that it's down to him being afraid.

He almost told her again when they were arguing last night. It felt so raw and emotional between them, like he was finally going to find out what has been going on with her.

He just couldn’t tell her, though.

_Because what if she doesn’t feel the same way back?_

It’s too much for him.

He has to work with her, _for fuck sake_. If something went wrong because Bellamy just couldn’t keep his mouth shut, the team would suffer.

Worst case scenario - Clarke would leave or ask to be transferred, and Bellamy definitely could not take that.

Then she made a move on him last night and Bellamy thought that this is it.

This is their time.

Fuck his fear because she wants him like he wants her.

 _Fucking hell_. This morning just shattered that dream.

It was just sex for her.

She was feeling shit because of whatever she had going on and Bellamy was a way of making herself feel better. He doesn’t mind, especially not if he helped her, but _fuck_ \- he can’t help but feel like it was a kick in the teeth as well.

She was drunk though, and Bellamy knew that. He still gave in and slept with her, knowing she was vulnerable and probably upset considering how much she drank.

Maybe he’s the asshole.

And maybe this is all their relationship will ever be - a lot of maybe's and almost's.

Bellamy scoffs out loud to himself and Kane looks over at him, brow furrowing.

He doesn’t get to ask Bellamy anything though because Clarke finally strolls into the lobby with her go-bag. Her hair is still a little wet but she’s in fresh clothes and she doesn’t look as ashamed or as hungover as when she stood in Bellamy’s room, but his heart pounds at the sight of her.

She doesn’t meet Bellamy’s eyes and it hurts him more than it should.

‘What are we waiting for?’ Clarke says lightly, making for the parking lot.

 

-

 

The entire ride to D.C was painful.

Bellamy sat next to Clarke on the plane the whole way home in an uncomfortable silence. Even Kane noticed there wasn’t much conversation in the SUV because he was trying very hard to talk about mundane things like the weather and how much paperwork is waiting for them back home.

Bellamy wanted to say something, anything. He wanted to tell her he was sorry for last night, not that it happened but that it happened when it did.

He should have encouraged her more to talk to him about what was wrong rather than letting her make a move on him to comfort herself. No wonder she’s barely speaking to him now.

Perhaps she’s worried now that it will change things between them and working together will be uncomfortable. He’s not doing too much to reassure her, to be fair.

It is _so_ uncomfortable.

They are just walking into Headquarters when Raven meets them at the door.

‘Ah, if it isn’t the party people’ she says sarcastically, walking with them now as they head towards their desks.

Raven is smiling but Bellamy realises they must all be gutted that they missed the fundraiser.

Bellamy grins at her but its forced, and well, if Raven Reyes doesn’t know him better than that by now it’s all a matter. Raven switches her stare to Clarke and then back to Bellamy, clearly registering the awkwardness between them.

‘What’s wrong?’ Raven asks, not overly concerned but a little apprehensive.

‘Nothing’ Clarke smiles but it vanishes just as quick. She stays walking until she reaches her desk, not looking at Bellamy once.

‘Nice of you both to join us’ Murphy jokes, leaning back in his swivel chair with his feet up on his table. ‘Missed you the most, Blake.’

Bellamy smirks over at him. All of the team share a close bond and Bellamy loves them all, but he and Murphy used to live together in a dingy apartment before Bellamy bought his house and Murphy moved in with Emori, so he thinks of him like a brother.

Monty nods his head at Bellamy from his computer across the room. He’s their tech analyst and even though he’s not out in the field with them, he’s more a member of this team than anyone.

Emori must have gone home for the day. She’s their liaison - taking care of press, case choice and often times, most of their paperwork. She doesn’t come into the field with them either which Murphy is glad about.

‘We’re just about finished up here’ Raven says as Bellamy sits down, her eyes still on Clarke because Raven is the smartest person Bellamy knows and hell, she knows there’s something up. ‘We helped you out and did most of your paperwork on the Emerson case, just need a few of your details to complete it’ she finishes as she leans back against his desk and Bellamy raises his eyebrows at that.

‘What do you want?’ He narrows his eyes at her and Raven laughs, throwing her head back so that her long, sleek ponytail falls far down her back.

‘You both owe me one’ is all she says, getting up and making her way over to her own table. She’s a little slower than them and walks with a little bit of a limp.

Her nerves got damaged in her right leg when she got shot on a case once. She spent months in physio, refusing to let it beat her and even though Kane was reluctant to let her back out into the field, she gave him no choice in the matter. She lives for this job even though she has the brains to do anything she wants.

Bellamy leans back in his chair, rubbing his eyes again. He’d give anything for his bed right now.

He steals a glance at Clarke who hasn’t even turned on her computer. She’s just staring into space with her head in her hands.

They spend no more than a few hours at Headquarters before Kane comes down from his office upstairs - which they can all see from their desks. He sends them all home, telling them to rest before their next case tomorrow.

None of them question it and they are definitely all relieved to be getting home early.

‘Emori better have some dinner cooked’ Murphy announces as he presses the elevator button, running his hand through his short but styled haircut.

‘It’s the 21st Century, Murphy. Lose the expectation’ Raven yawns, rolling her eyes.

‘Come on, Raven. You know he’s gonna pick up take out for the both of them on the way home like the soft puppy we all know he is’ Monty jokes and the conversation continues into the elevator but Bellamy has hung back, looking at Clarke who is still at her desk.

‘I’ll catch up’ he tells the others who barely hear him. He heads over to Clarke’s table slowly, hands in his pockets and his go-bag around his shoulder.

‘Need a ride home, Princess?’ Bellamy asks her. At first, he thinks she isn’t even going to answer him. She’s signing some documents but eventually, she looks up at him.

‘I’m good’ she smiles, but its awkward.

 _Of course_.

‘Clarke, we need to talk.’

She blows out a deep breath and in what Bellamy imagines is an effort to distract herself, she starts putting stuff from her desk away into her go-bag.

‘About what?’ She says.

‘About last night’ he tells her, watching her put her phone and badge into her bag as well as some paperwork.

He wants to try again, try and get her talking about what’s going on with her personally, too. Especially because he feels like she could have told him last night before they got a little distracted.

However, he figures one problem at a time and this one is more pressing right now.

Clarke sighs, standing up and throwing her bag up onto her shoulder. Her white shirt is tucked into her dark jeans and even though she looks as professional as always, Bellamy can’t help thinking about her body underneath.

He can’t help but let his mind wander back to when he was placing kisses all over her.

‘Why?’ She asks, shrugging and looking completely disconnected.

Bellamy furrows his brow.

‘Because now it’s different? You’ve barely said a word to me all day and it’s bothering me.’

Technically, he hasn’t said anything to her either so really, what leg is he standing on here?

Clarke keeps her eyes on him but she looks completely done and fed up with this day, like having this conversation is last on her to-do list.

‘Bellamy’ she begins, flicking her curly hair out from under the strap of her bag. ‘What was last night to you?’

It stops him dead, his eyes widen and he’s at a loss.

 _Shit. He didn’t expect that question_.

This is his chance.

This is his chance to tell her that last night was something he wanted to happen for so long, that she means everything to him. This is his chance to tell her how he feels. He wants to tell her that he wants last night to happen again and again. That he wants a chance to get to know her in that way over and over.

More than that, he wants to see if they could have a future together because he’s never felt like this about anyone in his whole life.

The words are lost to him though - the risk is too high. She doesn’t feel the same. If anything, she’s just become more detached to him as these past few months have gone on and if that’s not telling, he doesn’t know what is.

He’s scared and considering they spend their lives chasing monsters - murderers, rapists, child abductors, terrorists - nothing makes him more afraid than Clarke Griffin not loving him back.

Maybe not knowing is better, at least he won’t get hurt as much this way. At least he won’t change everything beyond repair.

‘It was nothing’ he says after way too long without speaking. His breath is short and he’s not sure how convincing it sounds but Clarke just nods, pursing her lips.

The silence between them only stretches for a few seconds but it feels like hours before she responds.

‘Then what are you so upset about?’ She replies before walking away from him towards the elevator.

Bellamy is more confused than ever. He thought that’s what she’d want to hear - to know that last night won’t change anything between them, especially not in work.

But the way she said that.

Bellamy can’t be sure but in that moment, even though Clarke’s face revealed nothing, he thought she almost sounded…

 _Hurt_.

 

-

 

‘Good, everyone is here’ Kane begins as he scans the floor.

It's 8am sharp and Raven, Monty, Emori and Murphy all look bright as buttons and excited to dive into a new case.

Clarke and Bellamy, on the other hand, are hugging their travel mugs of coffee and yawning.

Bellamy doesn’t know about Clarke, but he barely slept a wink all night despite being so tired. He couldn’t quieten his thoughts, constantly replaying moments from the past few days and trying to figure it all out.

‘Case number 638 - Dr. Lorelei Tsing, 32, suspected of creating and distributing a rare type of addictive drug right here in D.C. She’s currently selling to the highest bidder and…’ Kane begins the briefing but Bellamy is barely focusing. It’s not until Kane addresses him directly that he comes round.

‘Blake, Griffin - you two will scope out her old home lab that she’s left behind. See what you guys can get from there. Whoever she’s working for now, she’s travelling with them’ Kane says, flicking through the folder in his hand. ‘Raven and Murphy, you’re with me. We’ll see what the local station has on Tsing and this drug. Emori and Monty, see what you two can dig up from here. I want to know her so well that I know when she last coughed.’

With that, they all separate.

Bellamy and Clarke are a few blocks away from their location when Bellamy finally finds his balls and says something.

‘We can’t not speak, Clarke.’

‘We are speaking, there’s nothing to say about the case yet’ Clarke replies, zipping up her FBI jacket in the seat beside him. Bellamy grips the steering wheel hard.

‘The night in New York..’ Bellamy begins but Clarke’s groaning interrupts him.

‘Bellamy’ she sighs. ‘Why are we still talking about that?’

‘We’ve barely said anything at all about it!’ Bellamy shoots back. ‘That’s the problem!’

‘What you said was enough’ Clarke mutters and Bellamy snaps his gaze to her. He has no time to even think of a response because suddenly, their SUV is in the air.

The seconds seem to be moving at lightning speed while being in slow motion all at once. Bellamy barely has time to comprehend what’s happening before their SUV has landed on it’s roof and darkness consumes him.

 

-

 

There’s a ringing in Bellamy’s ears when he comes to.

The first thing he notices is that there’s some smoke around him from the crash when he opens his eyes.

He’s upside down with the roof of the SUV against the road. He realises he’s still strapped to his seat by his belt but his senses are otherwise slow to tell him what’s going on.

He hears muffled voices, like he’s under water. It’s too hard to make out what their saying right now so he turns his head, having enough sense to look for Clarke.

She’s still strapped to her seat too but she’s unconscious. He registers the blood pooling from her head and only one thought occurs to him.

_Get to her._

Bellamy’s eye is sticking with his own blood which seems to be coming from a nasty gash on his eyebrow but he doesn’t take the time to consider what else is damaged. He’s trying to undo his belt before he hears the voices again and footsteps approaching their SUV.

_Get to Clarke._

He tries to unholster his gun but his hands aren’t doing what he wants them to.

To be honest, Bellamy knows he’s struggling to stay conscious but it’s only now that he’s realising how much danger they are in.

This wasn’t an accident and he knows it.

It feels off. Something has gone wrong.

‘Take the girl first’ he hears someone say, their voice sounding like it’s coming through cotton into Bellamy’s ears.

He can’t act, he can only let his head lull to the side and watch Clarke being pulled from their SUV before Bellamy blacks out again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please comment down below, even if you're new to the story and keep me updated with your thoughts along the way :)  
> If you want to find me on Tumblr or share the story: [here's the link.](http://eyessharpweaponshot.tumblr.com/post/183838375314/lose-you-too-bellarke-fbicriminal-mindsthe)


	5. Baby, I Lose My Cool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is from the song 'Emotional' by Flux Pavillon and Tesla.

Before Clarke even opens her eyes, she knows she’s tied to a chair. Her hands are bound behind hard wood and the room is extremely cold.

When she flicks her eyes open, the floor she’s staring at looks like some sort of cellar. The air is damp and Clarke’s head is pounding.

She starts to remember the explosion, the SUV surging into the air and… _Bellamy_!

Clarke inhales sharply through her nose as if it’s the first time she’s drawing breath and snaps her head up fast, searching for him.

She sees him immediately, tied to the chair across from her. He’s unconscious with blood clotting on a nasty cut on his eyebrow. His cheek is grazed but other than that, from what Clarke can tell, he looks okay.

‘Bellamy’ she hisses.

Suddenly, her head yanks backwards and she lets out a yelp. Someone has her by her hair.

‘Agent, nice of you to join us’ a voice says. The man’s voice is hoarse and wafts of stale smoke fill Clarke’s nostrils, making her nose crinkle in disgust. He pushes her head forward as he releases her and once again, Bellamy is in her eye line. He’s starting to come round.

She tries to take in her surroundings as quick as she can.

They’re definitely in a cellar and a few men line the wall, armed with assault rifles.

_What the hell is going on?_

The cellar is unkept, dark and abandoned, nothing in it but the chairs they’re tied to. There’s a light above them, creating a perimeter of brightness around their seats. There are no windows and only one door - up a small, stone staircase.

The man who had Clarke by her hair walks around into view now and what’s worse is that Clarke recognises him.

She feels sick.

Shumway.

_What is he doing here?_

He’s a known associate of someone she once knew, someone she once hunted. Someone from a life she thought she had left behind long ago.

If Shumway is here, Clarke fears what that might mean. He might be working for someone else now but the niggling feeling inside her tells Clarke her first instinct is right.

Bellamy is fully conscious now, eyes wide and probably doing what Clarke is doing right now - assessing their situation here.

He doesn’t look like he recognises Shumway and why should he? It was never their case.

‘Our friend Tsing is long gone. She’s doing some business dealings for us elsewhere’ Shumway says with a sick smirk on his face, one that makes Clarke want to blow his face off with her gun. ‘We knew the FBI would come to search her place.’

Bellamy narrows his eyes.

‘You planned this’ he says, his voice hoarse and harsh in the quietness of the cold room. Clarke can’t help but look at him because she’s panicking internally.

They’re in danger here - but how much danger is determined on whether Shumway knows who she is or not.

‘Of course’ Shumway smiles at Bellamy, the gun holstered on his hip showing as he turns. ‘Who do you think tipped the FBI off about Tsing?’

'What do you want with us?’ Bellamy says what Clarke can’t because she’s frozen. If he’s here for her, then Clarke will be killed if Shumway is still working for their old most wanted. What’s worse is if that is the case, then Bellamy is disposable.

Shumway fishes their badges out from his back pocket.

‘Well, Agent Blake and…’ Shumway hums along the last word as he flips over Clarke’s one. ‘Agent Griffin. We need something from you’ he continues. ‘A code to your database.’

Clarke breathes out her relief, he doesn’t know her. He wouldn’t recognise her name anyway, it’s her fathers last name and she never used it while on her old undercover case.

Still, she doesn’t want to waste any more time than she has to here in case of the worst. In case she is somehow recognised.

‘We don’t know anything about that. We’re active agents, not tech’s’ Bellamy tells him, his voice angry and defensive.

Clarke meets his eye, silently trying to persuade him to control himself.

‘We’ve hacked into databases all over the world, Agent Blake. But your one’ Shumway wags his finger as he stands in the middle of Clarke and Bellamy. ‘Your one is tough to crack. We can’t do it without a code.’

Clarke thanks all the deity’s that might exist for Monty fucking Green. He’s obviously put extra security onto their system - and if Clarke knows Monty, he did it to protect the team. To prevent information being leaked.

If these people were to gain access to their system, they could jump into things like secret mission files, undercover cases, biometric databases and God knows what else.

Basically, Clarke’s old mission files would be easily accessible and they’d know who she is now. Her team know nothing about that part of her life and she’d like to keep it that way. They never had any reason to scan private mission files and they certainly don’t show up on Clarke’s general profile now.

‘We could have went to you, gained access from inside your Headquarters instead of taking FBI agents hostage’ Shumway shrugs. ‘But that would have been suicide.’

‘It’s suicide anyway, you’re a dead man’ Bellamy says through gritted teeth.

‘Why do you want access to our database so bad?’ Clarke hears herself speak properly for the first time. That foreboding feeling is creeping back into her gut because this isn’t good.

‘That’s not really any of your business’ Shumway says, turning his body towards Clarke. ‘Speaking of business, let’s get down to it. You’re going to tell us the code or things are going to take a bit of an unfriendly turn.’

‘Our team will be here within the hour’ Clarke says a little too confidently - she’s not sure she believes it as much as she wants to. Their phones were obviously tossed and her team have no way of tracking them, no way of knowing who took them or why. They never anticipated this. ‘Don’t get comfortable’ she says anyway, hoping to scare him even a little.

Shumway smirks before walking over towards Clarke. Bellamy starts to struggle a little in his chair at the sight of it.

Shumway catches Clarke by her hair again, pulling her head backwards and bending down close to her. This time, Clarke doesn’t yelp or make any noise, she just grits her teeth and tries to breathe.

Her head is stinging from her injury there and she knows there’s a nice streak of blood running down the side of her neck too, probably from her ear. She doesn’t need any more injuries here, especially when her bruises aren’t healed from her other cases this week.

‘Tell me the code’ is all Shumway utters.

‘She doesn’t know it! Let her go!’ Bellamy yells.

‘This your girlfriend, Blake?’ Shumway teases, yanking Clarke’s head back further.

‘It’s Agent’ Bellamy corrects him. ‘And I will slit your throat myself if you lay a finger on her’ he finishes, sounding completely sure in what he’s saying.

Clarke furrows her brow. He would never act this aggressively - he would always keep somewhat of a level head even though he worries about them all when they’re in danger. He would stick to hostage communication protocol and try to figure a way out.

They’ve been on countless undercover missions together, a lot of which involved some kind of brutality and torture along the way but he always kept it together.

Clarke’s heart clenches. It’s because they slept together. He’s emotionally invested now because they crossed that fucking line. It changes everything, even if there’s no feelings attached to the act. He’s antagonising this whole situation and making it worse.

_Ability to do the job, compromised. Emotional agents in hostage situations._

Clarke fucking called it. And what’s worse is that it’s her fault. She initiated everything.

‘Let us use this to our advantage, yes gentlemen?’ Shumway smiles, releasing Clarke’s hair and signalling to his men.

He’s recognised the weakness.

His men open the door and drag in a deep barrel of water, all the way over to the centre of their circle and Clarke’s stomach flips.

She meets Bellamy’s eyes and he’s just staring at her, his dark curls flopping down over his forehead and one side of his face stained with the blood from his eyebrow. His eyes are wide and his chest is moving up and down quickly.

He’s panicking.

‘Calm down’ she mouths at him but it does nothing to soothe him.

One of his men grabs the back of Clarke’s neck and tips her forward so that the ends of her hair are dipping into the cold water below her face. Another man is holding her body so she doesn’t fall. Their hands are the only things supporting her as the back of her chair comes with her tied hands.

‘The code, please’ Shumway addresses Bellamy.

‘We don’t know it!’ Bellamy shouts. ‘We don’t know anything about that shit.’

Shumway makes good on his threat by giving a nod and his men propel Clarke forward into the barrel.

She’s submerged from the neck up. She didn’t have time to take a proper breath so she starts to struggle quicker than expected. She can hear the muffled shouts of Bellamy through the water and just when she thinks she’s gonna pass out, they lift her back so hard that the chair she’s sitting on nearly tips backwards.

Clarke gasps for breath and the air stings the back of her throat. She coughs and splutters and her hair is over her eyes, but she’s breathing.

‘Let me call our tech’ Clarke hears Bellamy say.

‘And give them a location to track?’ Shumway laughs. ‘I know you know the code so just give it up.’

‘I don’t fucking know it!’ Bellamy screams. Clarke flicks the hair back from her eyes and when she looks at the man she loves across from her, his eyes contain more water than they did before. He refuses to let it spill from his eyes, but it’s there.

‘The next time she goes under, she’s not coming back up’ Shumway threatens. ‘You have ten seconds, Agent.’

Clarke prepares herself because she’s going into that water again no matter what - they don’t know the code and their team have no idea where they are.

‘Ten’ Shumway begins the countdown.

‘I don’t know the code!’ Bellamy shouts again.

‘Nine.’

‘Let me get it for you. I’ll get it’ Bellamy pleads, his voice shaking.

‘Eight.’

‘Bellamy, I can take it’ Clarke tells him, trying to comfort him because it’s killing her to watch him like this.

‘Seven.’

‘Take it? You’re going to die!’ Bellamy shouts at her now.

‘Six.’

‘Listen to me’ Clarke instructs.

‘Five.’

‘Fight like hell and get out of here. Promise me?’ Clarke asks him to do that calmly - and maybe that’s what gets him. The calm in her voice, the acceptance. His anger flares.

‘Four.’

‘Don’t you dare give up!’ Bellamy says furiously.

‘Three.’

‘PROMISE ME!’ Clarke shouts back because she’s running out of time.

‘Two.’

Bellamy doesn’t answer her - his eyes are wide and he’s practically hyperventilating. His face is displaying a pain that she’s never seen on anyone before.

‘BELLAMY! PROMISE ME!’

‘One.’

‘I PROMISE!’ She hears him shout before she’s forced back underwater again.

Clarke tries to stay calm but the panic in her chest is doing nothing for her will to hold her breath.

She thought he wouldn’t promise her, she thought he wouldn’t fight and she didn’t want to die knowing that he’d give up. She tries to calm herself and she finds herself thinking about their night together.

She thinks about how he held her, how he worshipped her and how good he made her feel. It distracts her, somehow. It takes away the pain.

Clarke doesn’t even realise she’s passed out until a pressure on her chest drags her from the darkness. Someone is performing CPR on her.

Water pours from her lungs onto the floor and she’s coughing, the air tearing her throat as she sucks in the oxygen. She leans up onto her forearm and her lungs are on fire.

Medics are over her along with Raven and she realises she’s on the floor of the cellar. It’s no longer dark but brightly lit as if someone has turned on the main light.

_What the hell has happened?_

Agents and police are sweeping the premises and all of Shumway’s men are gone from the room, along with Shumway himself.

_Where’s Bellamy?_

He’s not in the cellar.

‘We traced your cells to a tower a couple of miles from here where they tossed it. We got them on traffic cameras, narrowed your location down to this place. Seemed perfect for someone who didn’t want to be found’ Raven tells her because she can see the confusion in Clarke’s face.

_Thank God for Monty and Raven’s brains, but it’s not the question she wanted answered._

‘Where’s Bellamy?’ Clarke tries to say but it comes out as a strained whisper. She’s as weak as the water she was immersed in.

‘Clarke, just take a minute’ Raven tells her. Clarke snaps her gaze up to Raven.

_Why won’t she tell her? Is something wrong? Is he dead? Does Raven just not want to add to her trauma right now?_

‘Where is he?’ Clarke asks with all her force behind it. She’s already trying to stand up. The medics and Raven are trying to hold her down but she’s swatting at them, shoving their hands away from her.

‘Clarke, stop. Let me explain’ Raven raises her voice a little. Clarke must be hysterical because Kane is over her now too.

‘Griffin, relax. You’re gonna do more damage to yourself. You’ve been out for a long time and you need to rest’ Kane informs her.

Clarke doesn’t know where the surge of energy comes from but she’s on her feet, forcing everyone off of her.

She staggers towards the stairs and climbs them quickly. She feels like she could drop at any minute but she has to know. She has to make sure he’s okay because right now, she feels like he’s dead and no one wants to tell her.

She pulls the door open, stumbles through the hallway of the withered house that she’s in and falls out the front door, grabbing the porch railing so she doesn’t meet the ground.

It’s growing dark outside and the air is freezing. It stings her chest and her lungs are raw.

Clarke sees the lights from the ambulances and cop cars and her eyes scan the crowd for Bellamy.

She sees the coroner assessing a few bodies - Shumway’s men. Shumway is not among them though but she has no time to wonder about that.

Then she sees him.

Bellamy Blake is pacing in front of Murphy who is leaning against the back step of an ambulance.

Bellamy’s hands are on his head and he’s still bleeding - he obviously hasn’t let anyone treat him yet.

‘Man, please don’t make me tackle you again. You can’t be in there’ she hears Murphy tell him.

‘If she’s fucking dead then why does it matter that I’m in there?’ Bellamy utters, his voice breaking as he paces.

‘They’ll revive her. Kane wants to make sure neither of you have told them anything so you need to be separated’ Murphy says.

‘Revive her? She’s been out too long. I didn’t fucking tell them anything and neither did she. I told Kane that.’

‘Well, he needs to be sure. You know how this kind of stuff goes. Especially with your torturer getting away. Kane will want…’ Murphy trails off as his eyes find Clarke. ‘Bellamy’ he says softly, almost in disbelief himself.

Bellamy glances at Murphy mid-pace before registering the look in his eyes and following them to where Clarke is standing.

Clarke can see Bellamy’s chest heave and again, with a newfound burst of energy, Clarke races towards him and dives into him. Her arms wrap around the back of his neck and it takes a few moments before his own close around her back tightly, almost like he didn’t believe that this was happening.

‘I thought you were dead’ he whispers, his voice cracking. Clarke squeezes him tighter because she thought the same thing.

‘Griffin’ Kane interrupts them. ‘Get yourself into the back of that ambulance and get checked over. Then I want to talk to you about what happened.’

It’s not unkind but it’s definitely an order, so Clarke reluctantly breaks away from Bellamy. She gazes at those beautiful brown eyes of his before doing what she’s told and let’s a medic help her into the ambulance.

He's safe and they made it, she can worry about that tight feeling in her stomach later - the one that's making her wonder what it means that Shumway has returned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has all the feels :)  
> I know I'm torturing you guys with the frustration of neither of them admitting how they feel and all I can say is, it gets worse before it gets better.  
> Enjoy and as always, let me know what you guys think in the comments below.  
> If you want to find me on Tumblr or share the story: [here's the link.](http://eyessharpweaponshot.tumblr.com/post/183838375314/lose-you-too-bellarke-fbicriminal-mindsthe)
> 
> I want to mention that one of my lovely fans of the story did another drawing of a scene at the end of this chapter and it's beautiful, like all of her work is. I'm so touched that she's inspired by my fic to draw scenes from it. Thank you so much.  
> ['Baby, I Lose My Cool' art piece.](http://thetraitorwhoyoulove.tumblr.com/post/178490315942/from-the-fanfic-lose-you-too-by)


	6. I Found Love Where It Wasn't Supposed to Be

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter should relieve any itch that you guys have. Hold onto it is all I can say :)  
> Chapter title is from the song 'I Found' by Amber Run.

It’s the early hours of the morning when Bellamy pulls up outside Clarke’s rented two-story. The lights are on out front and Clarke smiles, knowing her reliable neighbour has been in and out tending to the place for her. She always does it, especially if Clarke is away for a few days on cases.

Clarke was barely allowed leave the hospital. The medic told her she had been through a lot the last few days and she needed to get checked out properly. She hadn’t taken a breath in an alarmingly long time at the scene and they wanted to call it, but Raven yelled at them to keep going with CPR until they got her back.

_Only for Raven and their team, Clarke wouldn’t be here._

Kane had spoken to her before she left and seemed satisfied that hers and Bellamy’s stories matched - she didn’t lie, they didn’t tell Shumway anything. But she did abstain from telling Kane that she knew who their torturer was. He gave both her and Bellamy a couple of days off and told her to let him know if they needed anything before coming back to work. She knew he meant if they needed some sort of counselling or trauma treatment, but seriously, they’ve been through worse.

Bellamy was coming with her in the ambulance but before they left, Raven embraced her with a hug.

'Glad you're okay, Griffin. Don't scare us like that again. You too, Blake' she nodded at Bellamy, hugging him next.

Murphy hummed in agreement, pulling Clarke into him with one arm. Monty had called to speak to her as well and she remembered to thank him for finding her and Bellamy's location. Raven too. Emori practically tackled the phone from Monty a few seconds in, half crying because she was worried about them. Clarke is lucky to have the team.

At the hospital, they ran a few tests and the doctors told Clarke - and Bellamy, who refused to leave her side the entire time, that everything seemed normal and there was minimal damage but they wanted to keep her overnight for observation. Clarke practically begged them to let her go home because she’d never get any damn rest in a hospital anyway. They were reluctant but Bellamy promised he’d stay with her and monitor her overnight, so they eventually decided that it was okay to let her leave.

When they walk inside, her house is warm from the heating being on a timer and she’s glad of it. Winter really is starting to appear. Bellamy closes the door behind her, placing his go-bag from his SUV at his feet. He looks tired and he needs a shower. His hair is grubby from their accident and his face is still dusted with the flakes of copper from his blood. The doctor did attempt to clean it up for him before she stitched his eyebrow, but he told her not to fuss.

_Typical._

‘Will I make us something to eat?’ He suggests.

‘I appreciate you getting me out of the hospital and home, but you don’t really have to stay’ she tells him, giving him an out because he doesn’t need to be stuck babysitting.

‘I’d imagine you don’t have a lot in your fridge, so I’m thinking take-out’ Bellamy walks towards the kitchen, ignoring her purposefully.

‘I’m not that hungry’ she says.

‘You go shower and I’ll have a browse through these’ he ignores her again, picking up way too many take-out menus from Clarke’s counter. Clarke can’t help but watch him make every move, finding it hard to believe that they’re back here and safe now. As worn out as he is, he still looks gorgeous as hell.

‘ _Stop it, Clarke. Dabbling in the unprofessional side of your relationship nearly got the two of you killed today_ ’ she thinks to herself, shaking her head. She mumbles something along the lines of ‘sounds like a plan’ to Bellamy as she ascends her stairs towards the bathroom, suddenly desperate to remove herself from his presence.

Looking in her mirror over the sink, Clarke looks a wreck. Her clothes are torn and filthy from their crash and she has dried blood in many places except where it should be - her face where her injuries actually are. The barrel of water she was tortured in took care of washing that away. Clarke winces at the memory, leaning her hands against the sink to try and get herself together.

‘You doing alright?’ Bellamy asks gently and when Clarke looks up, he’s leaning against her bathroom doorframe, his face concerned.

‘Fine’ Clarke gives him a tight lipped smile. ‘Not gonna freak out getting in the shower because of the water, Bellamy’ she continues when he raises his eyebrows at her because really, she knows exactly what he’s thinking.

‘Just making sure’ he tells her. Clarke leans down to pull off her boots but she lets out an involuntary gasp of pain because _shit_ , her ribs are sore. Scratch that, her whole chest is.

‘Here’ Bellamy tuts at her effort. ‘Let me help you.’

He unties her flat boots and pulls them off her gently before standing upright to take off her FBI jacket. Clarke winces at every turn - she didn’t realise she was so goddamn sore. Once she’s down to her baby blue shirt that matches her eyes and her dark denim jeans, she notices how close Bellamy is to her. She can smell whatever aftershave is left on him but mostly, he just smells like Bellamy Blake and that in itself is heaven.

He’s staring right back at her, studying her eyes with his own. Clarke’s breath is stuck in her chest until she finds herself remembering what the hell happened today because she slept with him - until she finds herself remembering that it was just sex for him when they did bloody do it.

What did she expect? It’s not like she wanted anything to come from it, she just wanted to see if it would quench her own goddamn feelings for him. But it hurt more than she anticipated to hear him say it was nothing to him.

They’re good friends and good partners, and even though he doesn’t want it going any further, sleeping together makes emotions rise and lines blur. It’s why today went the way it did. Bellamy wasn’t thinking with his head because he would have never reacted like that in a hostage situation. And Clarke tells him so.

‘Your ability to do your job was compromised today, Agent’ she says, maybe more as an effort to desexualise the situation of him helping her undress. He’s literally halfway through unbuckling her belt for her when he stops, looking directly at her again.

‘Really, we’re gonna do this now, really?’ He says in a condescending tone.

‘Blake, you’re ability to do your job today was compromised’ Clarke repeats.

‘Aw Clarke, cut the crap!’ Bellamy yells, startling her. He steps away from her, taking off his own jacket and flinging it onto her bathroom tiles. ‘I was not compromised, I was trying to save your life’ he tells her, running a hand through his hair.

‘The way you handled that situation - you didn’t follow protocol’ Clarke leans her hands back against the sink. ‘Isn’t that what you always tell me? You do not threaten the lives of Unsub’s while in a hostage situation, Bellamy!’

‘But when you break protocol, it’s fine?’ Bellamy snaps.

‘It’s not, apparently, because I’m constantly being lectured about it!’

Bellamy scoffs, staying silent for a minute as if to gather his thoughts.

‘I’m compromised because we slept together? I told you that didn’t mean anything’ Bellamy eventually says and Clarke feels her heart sink - because no matter how much she tells herself she can’t have him, she wants him to fucking want her like she does with him. She wants it to have meant something to him, even if they can’t take it anywhere. She manages a nod.

‘We hadn’t slept together before New York, so what’s your excuse for our other cases, huh? The one where you sent the entire S.W.A.T team with me and you almost ended up dead at the hands of Carl Emerson, or the one where you jumped on Dax because he had me pinned. Or all the other fucking cases before we slept together. You didn't follow protocol then, so were you compromised?’ He half shouts at her, putting his hands on his hips.

Clarke is stuck to where she stands. _He has her_. Silence erupts into her bathroom and it feels like the tension back in New York the night they argued themselves raw. Bellamy’s brow twitches, furrowing slightly and she has to look away because he’s starting to piece it together. She _was_ compromised.

‘Clarke’ he says her name softly, his voice rough and deep like always. ‘Clarke. Please don’t tell me this is what’s been going on with you.’

Clarke finds a spot on her tiled floor and stares at it, biting the inside of her lip and drowning in shame because _he fucking knows_ and there’s no way she can deny it. He knows she has feelings for him and _fuck_ , the other night meant nothing to him but he’s in the middle of figuring out that it meant everything to her.

‘Clarke’ Bellamy calls her again. She can’t look at him. ‘Is the reason you’ve been reckless and distant this past while…is the reason me?’

Clarke doesn’t know if it’s the shame encouraging the anger but she can’t help but snap back at him, raising her voice.

‘Yes, Bellamy. Is that what you want to hear?’ She’s looking at him now, leaning up off the sink and gesturing wildly with her hands. ‘You want to hear me say it? I have feelings for you!’

_Jesus, it sounds even more stupid said out loud._

Bellamy’s eyes dip in what looks like sympathy and she thinks that’s worse than anything.

'Clarke. Why didn't you tell me that?'

‘Are you kidding me? How could I when it's so fucking stupid? We work together and even if in some other mad universe where you did feel the same way back, nothing could fucking happen because how could we go out and do what we do while worrying like that about one another?’ Clarke shouts. ‘What happened today would keep happening and our Unsub’s would use it against us to get whatever they wanted from us and I’d fucking do it, Bellamy! I’d give them information, codes - hell, I’d give them the fucking president on a platter if they threatened your life. They’d break me! I’d give my own goddamn life! So before you start banging on and lecturing me, I’m aware of how much of a mess I’ve gotten myself into here.’

Clarke is breathing deeply by the time she’s finished but Bellamy has just stood still the entire time, staring at her.

‘Don’t you think that’s already happened?’ He utters. ‘We’re already like that.’

‘ _I’m_ already like that and I need to just get over it, get over you! The reason you were like that today is because your emotions are blurred because I slept with you. I wish I could take that back but I can’t. I don’t know what I was thinking. I was being weak’ Clarke shoves one hand through her hair, trying to stop herself from getting emotional.

‘Do you hear yourself?’ Bellamy says quietly. With that, Clarke looks back at him. His black shirt is untucked from his suit pants, torn and wrecked from the crash with way too much blood soaked into its shoulder. His dark curls fall around his forehead and the blood on his face from his eyebrow doesn’t hide the faint array of freckles dotted around his nose. His face is sombre, but there’s a little edge there too.

'First of all, _you_ have created that excuse - that my emotions blurred because we slept together. Are you serious? I’m not just like that today. I never use my head when you’re in that amount of danger. The only reason I’ve been a little more level headed on other cases is because I knew our team would help us. I didn’t know that today. I thought I was gonna lose you’ Bellamy says, stopping for a moment as if needing to gather himself. 'Secondly, I wouldn't take our night together back, even if I could. I'm glad it happened, even if you're not' he tells her. 'If you don't know by now that I have feelings for you too, then you're the only one.'

Clarke’s head is spinning. Yeah, of course she’s noticed Raven and the others teasing them about their chemistry and making other jokes about them but she just brushed them off.

_He feels this too?_

Bellamy takes a few steps towards her, stopping only inches away from her face.

‘You are everything to me, Clarke Griffin. And if us being together on this job is what’s worrying you, I’d quit in the morning. It’s just a job, it’s not you’ Bellamy whispers and Clarke’s heart almost explodes.

‘Bellamy’ she whispers back, almost in disbelief.

_How is this happening?_

He leans in, pressing a kiss to Clarke’s lips. It’s soft and quick, almost testing. When he sees that she reciprocates, he kisses her again a little deeper this time. His hand has risen up to her cheek, brushing it softly with his thumb. Bellamy continues like that, giving her soft kisses before pulling back to look at her. He pushes her hair back from her eyes gently, looking into them like they’re going to tell him some great secret. He places a kiss to her forehead before running his nose down the side of her face.

When Clarke feels his breath against her ear, she closes her eyes and gives a content sigh. He’s being so delicate with her and honestly, it’s turning her on more than she cares to admit.

Bellamy continues to travel down until he reaches the side of her neck, planting a small kiss to her pulse point. Her chest and neck are full of bruises and small cuts, a mixture from the last few days of torture and the crash. She’s pretty sure the dirt and the blood make it appear worse than it is, but Bellamy’s face contorts when he’s up so close with them.

He pulls out the neck of her shirt a little to study her damaged skin better. Clarke wonders if he can see her heart belting out of her skin under it all. The bruises on her neck are turning a gross tinge of yellow around the edges in their healing process. Emerson did a number on her.

The ache in her chest is invisible though, half from Shumway and half from wanting Bellamy closer than he is now.

His fingers move gently over her neck, as if trying to feel her pain for her. He kisses her there, maybe hoping that it will take the bruises away somehow. It’s the softness of Bellamy in this moment that makes the arousal stir more inside of Clarke. She’s used to him being all guns and ammo, hard and tough and masculine. That turns her on too, but this is different. Maybe it’s that she knows how he feels now, and it makes her want to celebrate that.

Clarke leans her head back, giving him more access to her neck. Her hand instinctively goes around the back of his head to bring him closer and his own hands travel down her body, feeling the definition as he goes. He lets out a breath that's almost a moan and Clarke feels an intense rush of dampness between her thighs.

‘Bellamy’ she whimpers and like a switch has flicked, he’s back up to her lips and their entire mood has changed. He’s kissing her now with more desperation, slipping his tongue inside her mouth and _fucking_ _hell_ , it’s exhilarating.

They’re all hands and deep breaths, popping buttons in their shirts to rip them off one another - they were ruined anyway.

Clarke winces every now and then because she’s in so much pain, but it’s quickly being replaced by the utter urge to have him. Clarke’s hands are on his chest, feeling the pure muscle that resides under his skin. She lets her fingers trace over his arms and shoulders, feeling the familiar curves and lines that she let herself know the last time. She feels his abdominal V which leads down to his cock and Clarke hums at the sensation of tingles shooting up through her.

_Jesus, he’s so fucking sexy._

Before Clarke knows it, her panties and bra are off and she’s completely naked. Despite the lack of alcohol this time, she’s surprisingly not self conscious. Bellamy is down to his boxers and Clarke wastes no time in slipping those off as well, eager to feel his cock in her hand. When she takes him, he’s so hard it’s probably painful for him. She starts to pump him and his face relaxes but Clarke can tell it’s not enough.

That’s why he must pick her up because hell, she feels the desperation too. There’s no time for foreplay this time. They’re eager. He carries her towards the shower, banging the button with the side of his fist and the shower springs to life.

Clarke’s back slaps against the cold tiles as he holds her there, kissing her once again. He’s gifted at kissing too, like everything else.

When God was creating Bellamy Blake, he must have blessed him with his looks and skills to make up for the pain he had to endure as a child.

His hands are under her thighs and within seconds, he’s reached between them and slipped himself inside her. Clarke lets out a loud moan, cursing against his shoulder. She forgot how big he is.

The hot water beats down on top of them and the tray below them collects red and dirty water, swallowing it away into the drain. It doesn’t exactly add romance to their situation, but it certainly doesn’t take away from it. This is too good.

Clarke doesn’t know how to cope with the pleasure. It’s too much, building within her. Bellamy is kissing her neck now, his dark curls wet from the shower and it only increases his attractiveness. One of his hands is holding Clarke up against the wall and the other is pressed against the tiles behind her. Clarke’s legs are wrapped around his waist, taking the weight off his arm.

His face is tense and Clarke knows he’s holding back. This will be over as quick as it began - it won’t last like the other night where they were discovering each other and desperate to make it last in case it was the last time. This feels urgent, needed and missed.

‘Bellamy’ Clarke moans because she needs him, she needs more.

‘You close?’ Bellamy asks, panting as he fucks up into her. Clarke can only nod, certain if she were to speak now, she would be incoherent. ‘Come on my cock, baby. Come and I’ll come for you’ he says and it’s ridiculous that it’s all she needs. Clarke clenches around his length as a massive orgasm takes over her body. She digs her nails into his shoulders and within seconds, she can feel him coming too.

‘Jesus, Clarke’ is all he can say as he fucks her, riding out his own. He’s breathing deeply into her neck, still holding the wall with his hand. Clarke can barely make her eyes focus because _fucking_ _hell_ , that was unbelievable.

‘You’re some fuck, Princess’ Bellamy smirks, the water rolling off him. Clarke smirks back at him as he sets her down. He gives her a soft kiss, almost as delicate as their ones before. ‘You okay?’

Clarke nods, leaning her forehead against his and looking at him under her lashes. It’s surreal that he can be so dirty, yet flick back to being so gentle and kind with her as well.

Once their breathing starts to even out, they both grab some soap and shampoo, give themselves a proper wash until all the blood and grime are gone and then they emerge. The day feels like its washed away somehow.

‘Hungry now?’ Bellamy asks as he towel dries his hair, making his curls even more messy. Clarke laughs.

‘Yes, very’ she says and he laughs too.

‘I’m gonna grab my go-bag from downstairs, get changed and order us some food’ he smiles. Clarke makes a noise of agreement, about to head into her bedroom thats connected to the bathroom but before she can go, Bellamy grabs her arm gently. He pulls her into him, hugging her tight against his bare skin. When he releases her, he pushes a strand of her damp hair behind her ear.

‘You’re so beautiful’ he tells her, placing a small kiss to the side of her lips. Clarke smiles shyly and she feels like a school girl again. Butterflies are alive inside her stomach and her skin is set afire with goosebumps. ‘See you downstairs’ he says as he walks backwards out of the bathroom. He keeps eye contact until he disappears around the door, almost like he doesn't want to stop looking at her. Like her with him.

Clarke bites her lip as she smiles, letting out a breath that she didn’t know she was holding.

Once inside her bedroom, she grabs a fresh pair of underwear and an oversized hoodie from her closet. Once its on though, she thinks it’s actually Bellamy’s. It’s light navy with FBI written in yellow on the front. It smells of detergent and Clarke figures she probably washed it for him after it being left in hers at some point. Maybe during a party or when he was over collecting stuff.

He often grabs supplies for her, like spare clothes if they’ve been put on a case for a few days. Clarke scolds herself slightly for not giving it back to him but she’s glad of it now. It’s warm and comfortable. Her naked legs peek out under the hoodie that comes mid-way down her thigh, and her blonde hair lies damp and curly down her back.

Clarke’s heart is beating a little faster knowing that when she goes downstairs, Bellamy will be there waiting.

She feels so happy in this moment but that foreboding feeling is still in her stomach. Happy moments like this one never last for long in Clarke Griffin’s life, and something bad is on the horizon.

It’s coming, she just can’t see it yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promised a slow burn fic and I am delivering, even though this chapter proves the opposite. Just wait :)  
> Leave me comments as always and it would mean the world if you shared the fic on Tumblr: [here's the link.](http://eyessharpweaponshot.tumblr.com/post/183838375314/lose-you-too-bellarke-fbicriminal-mindsthe)


	7. Throw Your Heart to Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much to everyone for sticking with the story :) very exciting things ahead.  
> Chapter title is from the song 'Eyes Shut' by Years & Years.

Clarke grips the bannister as she makes her way downstairs. When she turns the corner, she has a full view of her kitchen and she sees Bellamy leaning over the island, one hand cupped lightly over his mouth like he’s deep in thought.

He’s no longer naked, much to Clarke’s disappointment. He’s dressed in grey sweatpants and a black t-shirt. It’s a rare thing for Clarke to see him this casual. His mop of curls are messier than normal on his head from the shower and he has two glasses of white wine readily poured, waiting on the top of the island.

A creak in her hallway floorboards announces Clarke’s arrival and Bellamy snaps out of his daydream.

‘Hey, you alright?’ He asks, his voice containing the usual husk.

‘Yeah, you? Looked like I was disturbing some serious thoughts there’ Clarke smiles lightly as she enters the kitchen.

‘I was just thinking about you, nice hoodie by the way’ Bellamy smiles back, giving her a glance up and down and sliding a glass over to her. Clarke’s heart lurches. She’ll never get tired of hearing him say stuff like that because she dreamed of it far too long. She nods her head in thanks for the wine, grinning shyly.

‘I know it’s a bit classy for you but I couldn’t find any tequila in your fridge, surprisingly’ Bellamy jokes and Clarke playfully pushes his arm.

Her house is open floor so she walks into her living room and takes a seat on her soft couch. Bellamy has put a match to the fireplace so it’s extra warm and the whole area just feels cosy.

‘Chinese should be here any minute. Was gonna order Indian because I know how much you love it, but it was the only place open at this hour’ Bellamy tells her, taking a seat beside her. Clarke glances at her clock on the fireplace. It’s almost 4am but it only feels like midnight.

She finds it sweet that he knows these little things about her, like preferring Indian to Chinese food. It’s so simple but it shows how much he has paid attention these last few years.

As promised, the Chinese arrives within the next five minutes and when the two of them are settled on the couch, eating out of the cartons and taking sips of their wine, Bellamy starts a heavy conversation.

‘Do you want to talk about anything that’s happened the last few days?’ He asks. At first, Clarke thinks he’s talking about them. ‘Has being hurt like that affected you?’ He clarifies when he sees her face.

Clarke raises her eyebrows, humming as she reflects because she hasn’t really had a chance to think about it. She’s been so busy worrying over her feelings for Bellamy that the rest of the stuff didn’t even matter, which seems a little silly now.

‘Guess not. It’s not my first time to be in danger on the job’ she smiles, passing it off. Their occupation has had them in many different situations over the years.

When she joined Kane’s team, she was cleared along with the rest of them to go undercover. They’re a special unit in the FBI and Kane runs it well. They’ve all let themselves get caught to gain information or put themselves into dangerous places so they could put away dangerous people.

Clarke has been shot, punched, kicked, electrocuted, starved, beaten - stuff that just seems like part of the job description at this stage. Although to be fair, she hasn’t been on a mission like that in a while - and she made sure Bellamy wasn’t either.

‘Each time is different. And each time, it chips away at you more and more’ Bellamy tells her softly, looking at her as she takes a bite of chicken. His leg brushes off hers on the couch and it sends tingles through her, like it always does when he touches her.

He’s right. Each circumstance is different. The pain is the same, but it’s what leads up to the pain and it’s what sticks with you afterwards that affects you more.

Dax’s evil eyes as he sits over Clarke, overpowering her. Emerson’s arm around her throat as he aims his gun at Bellamy. Shumway’s voice in her ear, the smell of smoke from his breath.

Clarke had been so fearful that something would happen to Bellamy that she hadn’t even been paying attention to how afraid she was for herself. It’s what always happens, she gives herself a backseat. Her mother always told her that she looked after others before herself way too much.

‘I’m fine’ Clarke lies, because she’s not sure she is. She’s not sure she should be. ‘How’re you doing with it?’ She turns the question. Bellamy pokes at his rice a little, his face growing serious as he loses himself in thought again.

‘Fine too’ he says after a few seconds too long of silence. ‘It’s just hard when you’re watching your partner get hurt’ he meets her eyes. The fire crackles, snapping like a whip in the room. The silence isn’t uncomfortable like before though - in fact, it’s the exact opposite.

‘Mm. I get that’ Clarke says. ‘Remember the McCreary case?’

Bellamy huffs out a knowing chuckle, nodding as he continues to eat his food.

‘That was a rough one’ he tells her.

’Yeah...I made sure you weren’t put on another mission like that’ Clarke admits and Bellamy looks up. She had to come clean at some point.

‘What?’

‘Anytime an undercover mission came up after that, I told Kane you were telling me privately that you weren’t up for them after the McCreary case - that you’d gone through too much. That’s why he only sent in the rest of us’ Clarke watches Bellamy’s face grow dark.

‘What the fuck, Clarke?’

‘I’m sorry, but I couldn’t risk you being in that situation again. As you said, it’s hard to watch your partner get hurt’ she takes a gulp of her wine as if to improve her bravery.

Bellamy sits frozen on the couch, staring at her.

‘I’m so fucking mad at you for messing with my professional career but _fuck_ , it’s endearing as hell’ he snaps, stabbing his chopstick into his rice a little too aggressively and Clarke laughs whole heartedly because he’s clearly not too mad at her.

Every time she thinks of that case, she feels sick. They all went in on it and it was hard on them all, but the rule between them is that they all agree to stick it out as long as they can if it means getting their information.

It was a terrorism case - Paxton McCreary ran a high functioning organisation and had way too many sleeper cells in different places. They needed to know what he knew and what his plans were, and they needed him in custody. They knew if they arrested him though, he’d never talk. So Kane’s team were set with the mission to get what they needed from him tactically.

It would take too long to try and join his organisation and even if they did, they’d never get close enough to McCreary for any real information. The only way they could get it was to be taken as they were, FBI agents. McCreary would think himself clever, trying to extract what information they knew about him and get ahead of the game - when really, they’d gain more knowledge about him. They’re trained to read between the lines and extract information like that in unideal circumstances without the criminal really knowing he’s revealing anything.

So they got taken and brought to an old factory of sorts. They were searched thoroughly, ensuring their clothes had no bugs or traces on them and they were left for days before McCreary arrived. This way, it ensured that no-one knew where they were. They couldn't risk the FBI coming searching for their missing members and finding McCreary there.

It flashes back to Clarke’s mind - Baltimore, mid summer - two years ago.

 

_Clarke had heard Raven in the room next to her the past few days, screaming in pain as the terrorists tortured her for information on how much the FBI knew. They had their plan, they only could release a little at a time and a lot of it was false._

_Clarke wanted to stop it and she cried every time she heard Raven’s shrill screams - but she had to stick it out._

_They all had a safe word that meant send help but Raven hadn’t screamed it yet. Clarke had her turn too but she accepted the torture, following the plan._

_She hadn’t seen McCreary yet, but it didn’t matter - she wouldn’t break for him or his men._

_Clarke is sweating, this summer isn’t kind to them. She hasn’t seen anyone in over a day now and they seem to have left Raven alone too. Murphy and Bellamy are a different story. Clarke hasn’t seen or heard from them since they were taken._

_It’s heading on five days now and Clarke has learned loads - enough to put McCreary away and stop most of his plans from going ahead. She also heard one of his men mention yesterday that McCreary would arrive today._

_Now is the time for extraction._

_Wincing, Clarke slits the skin on her forearm with a rock on the floor and pulls the radio chip that Monty designed from her wound. They each have one. It’s a gnarly business but it was the only place they wouldn’t be searched - and at least if they had of been stripped, they would still have had the chip._

_Clarke turns it on - Kane, Monty and Emori now know where they are and once one of the chips is turned on, it means they are ready for extraction from the compound._

_Clarke has been starved since she got here, barely allowed water on bad days but it’s not what’s breaking her. It’s the fact she hasn’t seen Bellamy. Or Murphy for that matter._

Are they alright?

_Just then, Clarke’s door is unlocked and she quickly slips the chip into her bra. Two of McCreary’s men enter and pull Clarke from the room, dragging her down the factory corridor._

_‘Hey! Where are you taking her?’ She hears Raven bang on her door as she passes. She knows they have Clarke._

_Clarke is lead into a room, the light blinding her as she steps in but when she adjusts, Clarke’s heart falls into her stomach. Bellamy is standing on a square brick, using the tips of his boots to keep him upright. His hands are tied behind his back and a chain noose is embraced around his neck, pulled from the ceiling. He’s bloody like they’ve been beating him._

_When his eyes meet Clarke’s, as broken as he looks, relief fills his face. The guards attach her to the noose next to him in the same position._

_‘Think carefully of what you want to tell us when we return’ one of the men says to her as he secures her noose. ‘Your friend here has given us nothing of interest yet. For your own sake, I hope you can.’_

_When they leave, Clarke is completely alone with Bellamy._

_‘Bellamy’ she calls him immediately. She tries to turn her head but the cold chain has a good grip on her neck. Her hands are cable tied tightly and they cut into her wrist when she struggles. ‘Are you okay?’_

_‘Mm’ he mumbles back, barely trying to look at her. ‘You?’_

_‘What’s been going on?’ She asks him, not answering his enquiry because she’s panicking about him. He doesn’t look good. They’ve only been working together for a while but she cares so much about her partner._

_He’s so weak that he doesn’t even try to answer her this time. Clarke’s mind starts to race. She doesn’t want to say too much in case they’re being monitored from somewhere._

_‘Listen, hold out just a little longer okay? My arm is cut_ _’ she tries to give him a hint that she’s turned on the chip without actually saying anything that would make their captors think that they’ve sent for help. He’s struggling to stay standing but he has to or he’ll hang._

_‘Bellamy, hey! Try to focus’ Clarke tells him. Suddenly, the doors open with a bang and more of McCreary’s men drag in Murphy and Raven._

_Their faces falter when they see Clarke and Bellamy in their positions but really, they’re focusing on Bellamy too because he does not look good. Raven and Murphy are both bloody and Murphy is growing a wonderful looking black eye but they still don’t look half as bad as Bellamy._

_Clarke then wonders if Bellamy put it up to them a bit, antagonised them in order to extract more information._

He fucking would, wouldn’t he?

_Anything to get the job done._

_When they attach Raven and Murphy to their own nooses, the men leave again and the questions erupt simultaneously from the two of them, wondering what the hell has happened to Bellamy._

_‘Shut up for a minute and let me think’ Clarke hisses at them. She has to try and find some way to help him because he can’t hang on much longer and she doesn’t know how long it will take for Kane to arrange an extraction team._

_She has to keep him conscious._

_‘Bellamy. Bellamy look at me’ Clarke turns on her tiptoes so she can look at him as best she can. Bellamy lifts his head, looking almost half asleep.  
‘Hey. Remember when we drank too much at Murphy’s party a couple of months ago? Remember we were all playing strip poker and I had both you and Murphy down to your underwear?’ She tries to make him focus._

How long has he been in this room? In this position?

_‘Hey, what happens in Vegas? Don’t need these ugly terrorists knowing about my dick size’ Murphy says as sarcastic as ever. Clarke ignores him._

_‘Raven helped me, she was standing behind you guys telling me when to fold’ Clarke forces out a laugh. She hears Murphy gasp and his chain jingle, obviously snapping his gaze to Raven._

_‘You traitor!’_

_‘You remember that, Bell?’ Clarke asks and she sees him smirk._

_‘Cheater’ Bellamy manages to mutter._

_‘I’ll buy you a drink to make up for it when we get outta here, and we will get outta here. You just gotta hang on a little longer’ she tells him. Clarke’s neck is already beginning to burn and she realises how difficult it is trying to balance on the brick. She’s weak from hunger and from her beatings._

How is Bellamy still standing?

_Clarke had been here ten minutes and it’s already getting hard. She admires his strength._

_Just then, McCreary comes through the door. Clarke has seen photos, but in person - his entire face looks snake like and he looks the epitome of pure evil. His hair is slicked to one side and he rubs his beard, admiring his four standing agents on pedestals._

_‘Afternoon, Agents’ he addresses them. ‘Ready to give me some information? You weren’t as good as I’d hoped for my boys here.’_

_‘Go to hell’ Raven spits._

_‘Ah, darling. You’re already here’ McCreary smiles at her, outstretching his arms as if to show her. ‘I have a proposition for you all. I will allow one of you to live - think that’s rather generous of me isn’t it, boys?’ He asks his men and they all snigger, agreeing with him._

_Clarke’s heart jumps in her chest. She thought they’d have more time before he’d want to kill them. Kane needs to get a move on._

_‘But unfortunately, that means three of you will die. And it’s up to you, really. Whoever can give me the most information will live. Fair trade I think’ he tells them, flicking out the electric baton from behind his back. Clarke’s mouth goes dry._

_He wastes no time and sticks it to Bellamy’s stomach because he’s the closest one to him, sending a swell of electricity into Bellamy’s body. The sound of Bellamy screaming does something to Clarke. It activates her panic mode even further and she turns almost animalistic._

_‘STOP!’ She screams at McCreary. Bellamy is weak enough, he can’t take it. She struggles so hard that she loses her footing on her brick and her chain constricts around her neck for a minute._

_‘Don’t worry, Agent. You’ll get your turn’ McCreary says without looking at Clarke._

_Bellamy is panting when McCreary pulls the baton away but his eyes are wide now, fully alert. His legs are shaking and Clarke can barely stomach it. When McCreary realises Bellamy isn’t saying anything, he prepares to stick him again before Clarke yells._

_‘What? You think a woman can’t take it? You think you’ll break me easily, is that it? I’ll die first because I’ll never tell you what I know’ she antagonises him, anything to get him the fuck away from Bellamy._

_‘Shut up’ Bellamy uses his energy to tell her._

_‘Shut up yourself’ Clarke snaps at him._

_‘Stop it’ Raven silences the two of them. She doesn’t want either of them to get hurt. ‘Try me, you son of a bitch’ Raven says to McCreary._

_McCreary is rubbing his brow with his fingers, trying to contain his anger because he’s clearly growing tired of this self-sacrificial bullshit._

_‘Come on, man. You and I could really make a relationship grow. I know you’ll learn to love me. Give me some’ Murphy uses his typical humour to irritate McCreary._

_They’re all trying to make themselves look like bigger targets._

_‘Don’t be such a coward’ Clarke shouts at McCreary, venom in her voice._

_‘Shut up, all of you!’ McCreary loses his cool finally, sticking the electric rod to Clarke’s stomach. ‘You will tell me what you know!’_

_A surge of electricity lights up Clarke’s cells and she screams. McCreary pulls back after an agonizing amount of time, giving Clarke the chance to breathe. There’s a ringing in her ears but she can hear the sound of Bellamy’s chain over it as he struggles to get free. To help her._

_She wastes no time once she has even half her sense back._

_‘You’re arrogant! That’s your problem!’ She shouts at McCreary as she watches shadows of S.W.A.T agents drop by the windows near the roof of the factory. ‘Too confident! That’s what got you caught!’_

_McCreary smiles._

_‘I caught you, Agents’ he informs her like she’s stupid._

_‘That’s what we wanted you to think’ Clarke smirks back at him._

_Just then, the door clicks open and multiple gas grenades are rolled onto the floor - popping and spraying. There’s a loud bang and Clarke and the others hold out as long as they can before they lose consciousness._

 

S.W.A.T and Kane raided the factory, cut them down and had enough evidence thanks to them to put McCreary and his men away for life. They also shut down 95% of their sleeper cells which is pretty much the best result they could have hoped for.

They were all admitted to hospital after that but Bellamy definitely came off the worst. He had severe exhaustion, starvation and dehydration along with a couple of cracked ribs and other superficial injuries. It earned him a stay in the hospital for longer than the rest of them.

‘What were you thinking, provoking him like that?’ Bellamy mumbled to her one evening when Clarke was visiting him. She was sitting at his bed side, playing with a loose string on the hospital blankets.

‘McCreary?’

Bellamy nodded, adjusting himself a little in his bed.

‘I was thinking that I needed to have your back. So I did - and I always will. I promise’ she said.

Bellamy stayed silent for a minute before he spoke again.

’You still owe me that drink.’

Clarke laughed, burying her face in his bed covers to hide the shame of the fact she cheated in a game of poker.

’Fine. Get better first and then we’ll talk.’

From then on, she just got more and more protective of Bellamy. It’s why she made Kane leave him out of those kinds of missions.

Bellamy was so close to giving up that day in the factory and Clarke couldn’t take it. It’s why she panicked with Shumway. She didn’t mind dying herself, but she didn’t want Bellamy to give up.

‘You okay?’ Bellamy breaks her out of her thoughts. She hasn’t let herself think about that case in a long time. Her nightmares often bring up old cases, but she seemed to have blocked that one out. ‘You’re gone quiet.’

‘I’m just tired’ Clarke gives him a small smile. She downs her glass of wine and puts her food cartons on the coffee table. ‘Think I just need my bed.’

Glancing at the clock, it’s gone well past 5am and she knows Bellamy is as exhausted as she is.

‘Coming?’ She smiles and well, if Clarke’s heart doesn’t light up when Bellamy smiles back, putting down his own food cartons and taking her hand.

Once upstairs, they collapse into her bed and pull the covers up around them.

Everything feels so safe. Bellamy pulls her into him, his hand absentmindedly rubbing her bare leg up and down and Clarke falls off to sleep soundly in his arms, listening to his breathing and his heartbeat. She’s never been more content.

 

-

 

Clarke is underwater. Her lungs are swallowing it as they search for air and her chest is tight. She snaps back into the oxygen above her and her lungs fill, gasping until she takes enough air in.

She’s in her bath.

_What?_

She hears a noise and a floorboard creak and suddenly, she’s stalking through her hallway in her FBI jacket and the rest of her clothes. Clarke holds her gun steady out in front of her. Her hair isn’t wet but up in a high ponytail, which is odd considering she was just in her bath.

_Wasn’t she?_

Another creak.

Clarke spins towards the sound and a shadow moves into her bedroom.

Her heart drops but she moves towards it anyway, ready to shoot. There’s a smell of stale smoke in there, like Shumway might be waiting for her but a noise coming from her stairs distracts her.

Clarke jolts towards the bannister and looks down over it onto her hallway downstairs.

Dax stands in front of Bellamy, pointing a gun at him - but Bellamy is tied to a noose from the ceiling.

Clarke tries to scream but nothing comes out of her mouth. Her throat is tight because Emerson’s arm is around her, carrying her backwards into her bedroom. He drags her onto her bed but as quick as they land on the soft mattress, Emerson is gone and her throat is free.

Clarke sits up, glancing quickly around the bedroom. There’s nothing but darkness and a cold breeze seeping in from her open window.

_Where is her gun gone?_

_Was that window always opened?_

‘Hello, Agent Jaha’ a voice says and it makes the bile rise in her throat. He’s over her suddenly, pushing her shoulders back onto the bed as she struggles against him.

_He’s found her._

Clarke begins to scream.

Suddenly, it’s Bellamy that’s over her and Clarke is shoving him.

‘Clarke! Clarke, it’s me. It’s Bellamy’ he’s shouting at her.

‘Get out!’ Clarke screams at him. She doesn’t want him here, she doesn’t want him caught up in the middle of this.

’What?’ Bellamy looks startled as Clarke sits up.

‘Where’s your gun?’ She yells frantically. ‘Where’s mine?’

Clarke sits up at the edge of the bed about to take off to look for her gun but Bellamy grabs her.

‘Clarke, you’re okay. You were dreaming.’

Clarke looks at him, her heart thumping out of her chest as she pants for breath.

_It wasn’t real?_

Glancing at the clock, it’s about 6:30am. They haven’t been asleep long.

‘Come here’ Bellamy holds out his arm to her and Clarke goes, a little reluctant because _shit_ , that felt so real.

‘What were you dreaming about, baby?’ He asks her when she’s in against his chest. He rocks her gently. She has heard Bellamy calling her that during sex, but Clarke feels herself relax even more at his common use of the word ‘baby’.

‘Nothing’ she tells him.

Someone from a different life.

Bellamy doesn’t push her to talk about it, he just lies back down with her and somehow, the warmth of him drugs her back to sleep - and this time, no nightmares wait for her there.

 

-

 

Clarke jolts awake as if she’s fallen.

Bellamy is gone from her bed but it’s bright out. The clock reads 11am on her nightstand and her house is quiet. She leans into her bathroom but he’s not in there either. Silence enshrouds her.

‘Bellamy?’ She calls for him. With no response, she checks her phone and there’s a text there from him.

**‘GONE TO HQ TO GET PAPERWORK FROM KANE. BE BACK SOON, BABY.’**

Guess a few days off isn’t really a few days off, but Clarke can’t help but smile.

She’ll never get sick of him calling her that. They never even discussed what they are now.

_Are they both going to give up work?_

_Are they going to give this a try for real?_

The thought excites Clarke. She loves her job but she loves Bellamy Blake more. So much possibility lies ahead for them. She jumps out of bed, leaving her nightmare from last night there too - she’s trying not to think about it too much.

She’s just brushing her teeth when she hears the door close downstairs. She pulls on a clean pair of jeans and a fresh grey t-shirt before brushing her hair out.

Clarke doesn’t look as bad today. She’s well rested, despite her disrupted sleep and her injuries look like they’re healing well. Giving herself one last look in the mirror, she smiles and then makes her way downstairs.

‘Hope you stopped for coffee, my machine is broken’ she says as she gets to the bottom step but when she looks into her living room, Bellamy isn’t the one standing there.

‘Hello, Clarke.’

A young man stands beside her couch, admiring a photo of her parents framed on the coffee table.

He’s her age, tall, dark-complexioned and has a short cut to his hair. He’s dressed sharp and perfect, warm for the winter weather. His gun completes his outfit.

‘Wells’ she addresses him.

‘Time to go’ he smiles.

 

-

 

Clarke doesn’t have the privilege of taking anything with her. She just leaves as she is with Wells.

Her heart aches for Bellamy, he’s going to think something awful has happened to her - but she can’t explain.

She’s in the back of a black Mercedes, speeding through D.C. Her legs are a little weak from the last few days and she shouldn’t even be leaving the house - let alone the country.

‘I’ve missed you’ Wells puts his hand on hers. ‘You look good, except you know, the bruising around your neck and the likes. What you been up to, Clarke?’

Clarke just sighs.

‘Why now?’ Clarke’s eyes are focused out the window. She doesn’t want to leave her life here. Her friends, him.

‘Sorry, Clarke. Have I pulled you away from something more important than this?’ Wells smiles, not unkind. ‘Someone you want to tell me about?’

When Clarke doesn’t answer him, Wells lets out a sigh of his own. He knows she isn’t in the mood.

‘He’s come up for air. We act now’ Wells tells her, hanging her a large, padded envelope. Upon opening it, Clarke finds a gun, some cash, a burner phone and a passport. She flips it open and sees her old name.

_Clarke Jaha._

Sighing again, she looks back out the window at D.C, watching her life fade behind her. A life she’s worked hard to build and get used to - one she loves.

A tear escapes her eye before she swats it away because she’s thinking of him.

She’ll always be thinking of him.

Her heart burns and she’s not sure if that feeling will ever go away. Maybe in a few weeks, it’ll all be over and she can come back here, come back to him - _come home._

 _‘May we meet again’_ she thinks, closing her eyes and letting her old life crawl back to her once more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like I told one of my readers on a previous chapter - I feel like this whole story is summed up by that Harry Potter quote: ‘you’re gonna suffer but you’re gonna be happy about it.’  
> Thank you so much for reading and leaving your lovely comments, I love reading them and seeing the feedback so do drop me one below :)  
> If you want to find me on Tumblr or share the story: [here's the link.](http://eyessharpweaponshot.tumblr.com/post/183838375314/lose-you-too-bellarke-fbicriminal-mindsthe)


	8. If I Lay Here

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a painful one from Bellamy’s POV (every 4th chapter). I hope it doesn’t kill you guys too much!  
> Chapter title is from the song 'Chasing Cars' by Snow Patrol.

Bellamy is sick.

Physically sick.

It’s been six months since Clarke was taken and they are no closer to finding her.

It’s his third time to vomit tonight and he’s not sure he can take it anymore. He has barely eaten so whatever is coming up is burning him.

Every day that she’s still missing, the more stressed he gets. He’s lost weight, his dark curls are too long and his beard is far too rough to be considered appropriate for work.

’You should go home, man’ Murphy tells him when Bellamy slumps back into his desk chair, pale and sweating. Bellamy ignores him because seriously, this has been his home for the past six months.

He’s barely left Headquarters and to be fair, neither have the rest of the team. They’ve been going over traffic cameras and sweeping foreign files for any mention of Clarke or a girl of her description. Emori has been keeping tabs on human trafficking cases and Monty has set up a constant tag on her name on their database.

They can’t understand how someone took her so easily. There was no sign of a struggle at her home and there’s no trace of her on any cameras or any database anywhere so far. She just disappeared like a ghost.

Bellamy is taking it the hardest - _he fucking loves her, how could he not be finding it hard?_

He left her side for an hour and hates himself for it.

Whoever took her had been watching her house. When he’s not at Headquarters, he’s there - trying to play it out in his head of what could have happened.

_Did they drug her?_

_How did none of her neighbours see anything?_

This whole thing is mental.

He’s also taken on paying her rent for her because when they get her back - and they fucking will get her back, he wants it to be like nothing has changed.

The team are doing what they can and they took a month off work to just focus on finding Clarke, but Kane told them they had to get back to active cases - his overheads wouldn’t give them anymore personal time, much to Kane’s disapproval.

Bellamy is still on leave though, despite being at Headquarters constantly. _How can he focus on anything else other than this?_

They’ve been searching for Clarke’s torturer from back when they were on the Tsing case. They still consider him the prime suspect in Clarke’s disappearance - but all their searches have came up empty too. He’s as much of a ghost as Clarke is.

Monty has updated their security system further after that case but according to Bellamy, it’s the only productive thing that this team has done in six months. They’re supposed to be the best of the best, but yet they can’t find one of their own.

He’s staring at his computer now but his eyes are strained. He can’t remember the last time he slept.

’Bellamy’ Raven is standing over his desk. ‘Coming for a drive?’

’I’m waiting on someone from Interpol to get back to me, Raven. I can’t.’

’Emori will put them through. Come on’ she tells him, throwing his jacket at him. The weather is definitely getting warmer but by this time in the night, you need something to cover up.

Bellamy rolls his eyes, reluctantly pulling himself away from the most important thing to him right now.

’This better be good, Reyes’ he tells her, nodding to Emori on the way out. ‘I want someone patched through the minute they call’ he tells her. Emori gives him a nod back, smiling sympathetically at him. It’s the only way they look at him these days.

Once in the SUV, Raven turns on the radio and starts her journey driving down the busy streets of D.C. Her long, sleek dark hair is up in its usual ponytail and her dark red, leather jacket is on her back as always, making Bellamy notice how much Raven is a creature of habit.

’Want to tell me where we’re going?’ Bellamy asks her but she just stays looking forward, ignoring him. Bellamy shuffles in his seat, getting comfortable. They are only driving for about ten minutes when he drops off to sleep.

It becomes a habit of it’s own - Raven driving all night to get Bellamy to rest. She does it for him when she’s not on a case or when he looks so unwell that it worries the team. He doesn’t sleep otherwise and Raven knows that the car is the best way for him to nod off - like a child.

He has nothing else to focus on except the lights of the city.

So with the radio playing, Raven drives until it’s bright out because that’s the kind of friend she is. And even though Bellamy knows when she tells him that they’re going for a drive, it’s because she wants him to sleep - and he doesn’t object. He appreciates it. It also gives him a chance to dream of Clarke - a Clarke that’s still here with him.

Bellamy rarely goes back to his place now - not when Clarke needs him to find her. Besides, it’s not home without her. Nowhere is.

 

-

 

‘ _Clarke?’ Bellamy calls. The house is quiet and he figures she’s still asleep. ‘Wake up, Princess. Got a surprise for you.’_

_He puts the paperwork on the table in her living room along with the coffee he’s picked up from that place she likes. Noting the ashes from the fireplace needs to be cleaned out, he gets to it and also cleans up the Chinese food cartons and wine glasses left on her coffee table in front of her photo frames. By the time he’s finished, he rolls his eyes knowing he’s gonna have to drag Clarke out of bed._

_Bellamy feels bad making his way upstairs - she didn’t sleep well last night. Her nightmare had her frantic and he was worried about her. Whatever she was dreaming of, it scared her._

_Turning the corner of the landing, he decides to ask her about it. They have a lot to talk about today but some of it really excites Bellamy. He never thought he’d give up work but then again, he never thought he could have Clarke._

_Maybe they could set up some kind of business, something simple and rewarding like helping kids or teaching seminars about the FBI. It’s safe and fun but more importantly, they could do it together. They could_ be _together._

_He’d ask her to marry him, they could have kids._

Jesus.

_Bellamy is getting ahead of himself but all of that sounds more thrilling and rewarding than all his years spent doing this job. He can’t help the massive smile that comes on his face._

_’Rise and shine, baby’ he says as he pushes open the door to her room, but Clarke isn’t in bed. It’s unmade and her phone still lies on the bedside locker._

_’Clarke?’ He calls, walking into her adjoining bathroom._

_Nothing._

_Has she gone out?_

_No - she would have brought her phone. He takes out his own and checks the text he sent her this morning when he was on his way to Headquarters - it’s marked as read._

_’Clarke?’ He shouts now because this is making him feel a little panicked. He checks every room in her house and finds nothing. He tears open her wardrobe and drawers to find her clothes still there. Her gun is on the bathroom shelf where she put it before their shower. Her badge is still in her jeans pocket after being returned to her before she got in the ambulance last night._

Where the fuck is she?

_’Raven’ Bellamy says as he pounds downstairs, his phone pressed to his ear. ‘Is Clarke with you?’_

_’What? No - thought you were supposed to be with her all night?’ She answers. She’s obviously driving because he hears the noise of her engine in the background._

_’I was, I stepped out for an hour and she’s not here now.’_

_’Maybe she went to Headquarters?’ Raven suggests._

_’No, I was just there getting paperwork so I could catch up while we’re out. Monty and Kane are there but she isn’t’ Bellamy says as he pulls open drawers downstairs, hoping to find something that will clue him into where she’s gone._

_’Well, I’ve just gotten off the phone with Murphy. He and Emori are heading to work now and Clarke definitely isn’t with them or they would have said it’ Raven replies, her own voice getting panicked now._

_‘Fuck’ Bellamy mutters, checking the front door. ‘There’s no sign of forced entry’ he tells her. ‘Get the fucking team out here now and put out an APB for her’ he runs around back to check the back door. No forced entry there either. He starts checking all the windows._

_’Bellamy, I think you’re rushing here. She could have popped out to the shop or maybe she felt unwell and called a cab to go back to the hospital or...’ Raven continues but Bellamy cuts her off sharply._

_’Raven, somethings wrong here. Put out the APB and do as I said.’_

_He hangs up, continuing his check. He’s about to call the hospital, just in case Raven is right, but his eyes land on a framed photo on her coffee table._

_There’s a few there - one of her parents, one of her as a child and a group one of the team at Kane’s 40th birthday. The one that catches his attention though is one of Bellamy and Clarke on their own._

_He can’t remember it being taken but it’s cute and obviously snapped in their first year together as partners. Bellamy’s dark hair is shorter and he’s in a blue t-shirt. He’s smiling - smiling and looking at Clarke. She’s beside him in a grey v-neck. It’s long sleeved and her hair is as blonde as ever, wavy down her back and over her shoulders. Two pieces of it are pinned back and she’s smiling too, at him._

_Actually, he thinks he does remember. It was at a party - Murphy’s. It was the night they played strip poker and Clarke cheated because Raven helped her. Monty took the photo._

_His heart drops. The way they are looking at each other - it wasn’t obvious to them then but now, looking at the photo, Bellamy realises how much they felt about one another even then._

_He puts the frame back down and turns on his heel. Picking up his phone, he dials the hospital and goes outside to wait for Kane and the others._

_He has to fucking find her._

_He has to._

 

-

 

Today marks a year since Clarke is gone. The team are still searching for her every spare minute that they have but Kane told Bellamy this morning that the department won’t allow him any more leave. He has to come back to work or walk.

 _Damn it_. He was hoping to be handing in his notice alright, but Clarke was supposed to be with him.

It has been a hard week. Bellamy knew this date was coming up and he spent a lot of his time drinking. Drinking and calling places like Interpol again for the millionth time. They knew Bellamy by name now, no matter who answered.

Raven has him in her SUV now, driving through the streets of D.C and Bellamy notices how weary she looks as well. She’s obviously thinking of their old friend too.

Bellamy can feel himself starting to nod a little earlier than normal and he blames the tequila - a drink he’s favoured this past year. He’s just about gone when a song starts to play on the radio.

 _’We’ll do it all, everything. On our own_.’

His eyes widen as they snap open and he can feel his heart start to thump.

_’We don’t need, anything. Or anyone.’_

_Fuck._

’Raven, stop the car.’

Raven looks at him, noting the panic in his voice immediately.

’What’s wrong?’ She asks, straightening herself as she flicks her gaze between him and the road.

_‘If I lay here.’_

’Raven, stop the fucking car!’

Bellamy is gasping, he can barely breathe. Raven slams on the breaks, swinging into the side of the road. They’re on the outskirts of D.C at this point, nothing but open road ahead of them. Cars behind them beep and swerve out around them but Bellamy doesn’t care. His hands can barely function as he pulls open the door and pretty much falls out of the SUV.

Raven is out her side just as quick.

_’If I just lay here. Would you lie with me and just forget the world?’_

Bellamy is in a full on panic attack by the time Raven gets around to him. It’s dark outside but the lights of the SUV create some form of vision. The road has gone quiet with cars and all Bellamy can hear is the song.

_‘I don’t quite know, how to say, how I feel.’_

It’s all too much. Memories of the fundraiser visit him in flashes - Clarke in a beautiful, black dress. Tequila shots. Guilt in his chest over pushing her. A dance where he can’t keep his eyes off of her.

’Bellamy, hey. Breathe’ Raven catches him by his shoulders. He’s gone so thin that she grounds him easily. His breathing is ragged.

’She’s gone, Raven. She’s dead isn’t she?’ He manages to get out and Raven’s eyes dip in sadness.

’We don’t know that.’

’Someone took her - there’s no trace of her anywhere. She’s never coming home’ he says as his breath comes back, feeling the tears prick the back of his eyes and the horrible burn in his chest that never leaves.

_What if she’s calling for him? Needing him to save her and he fucking can’t?_

’Bellamy, we have to have hope. She’s our friend and we all care about her and...’

’I fucking love her!’ Bellamy interrupts, shouting his confession to Raven and the silent roadway. The dirt under his feet blows in the cold wind and that’s the only sound that can be heard apart from the melody of that damn song.

Raven stares at him, wide-eyed. It’s something they all probably guessed at, but they probably never thought he would admit it. ‘We slept together when we were in New York on the double case last year.’

Raven is speechless, her mouth left agape.

‘We thought about giving up work so that we could be together and not be worrying about one another - so that we’d be safe. I was gonna talk to her about it the morning she went missing, but she was taken, Raven. She was in danger and we weren’t even in fucking work’ he laughs, half out of madness he thinks because that whole thing is just ironic as hell. ‘If that’s not a sign from the universe, I don’t know what is!’

Raven doesn’t say anything, she just wraps her arms around Bellamy and it’s all it takes for him to fall apart. He cries into her shoulder until he can’t cry anymore and when he looks up, he sees a shooting star fly across the sky.

A memory flies back to meet him.

_Kane’s garden on the swing, happily drunk on vodka as Bellamy pours out some hard childhood stories to Clarke._

_’Can you wish on this kind of shooting star?’_

_’I wouldn’t even know what to wish for.’_

Fuck, he knew now.

_’All that I am. All that I ever was, is here in your perfect eyes, they’re all I can see. I don’t know where. Confused about how as well. Just know that these things will never change for us at all.’_

 

-

 

Bellamy found it a little easier somehow after he went back to work. It was something to focus on. Kane managed to get him an extra two months leave at the time but that was it. He had to go back or give up his job and without Clarke, that just didn’t seem worth it.

It’s been five and a half years.

Bellamy misses Clarke everyday, but she’s gone. The team have had to move on and so has Bellamy. She would have been found by now if she was out there.

He’s in his shower, washing the previous night away because it was a rough case. He’s just started doing undercover missions again and they were on the case for four days. His newly stitched cheek is tight and stings when the water hits it but Bellamy relishes in it.

As always, when he’s alone, he thinks of her. He thinks of the last case they were on together where the torturer they never found drown her in a barrel of water and Bellamy almost died on the spot as he watched. He thinks of the relief in his chest when he seen her standing on the porch after being revived, staring at him with those beautiful blue eyes of hers.

He hates that he’s losing details though, details like what exact colour her eyes were in person. Blue, yes, but were they as light as he’s imagining or a little darker?

_Fuck._

Instead, he remembers her coming down her stairs when he was lost in thought. She was in one of his old hoodie’s and even though he couldn’t remember when he had left it there, he thought it suited her better by far anyway. Butterflies were alive inside his stomach.

He was thinking about their conversation before she interrupted him. How he accidently got her to reveal that she had feelings for him. His heart pounded at that too because _shit_ , that was really happening.

He remembers fucking her in her shower after that, and that leads to him thinking about them fucking in his hotel room in New York for the first time.

Bellamy can’t help but drop his hand, feeling how hard he’s getting as he thinks about how he fucked Clarke. He pulls harder, thinking about how tight her pussy was and how much she moaned at his touch.

And so, that leads to Bellamy jerking himself off in his shower, thinking about a dead girl.

He just feels sad afterwards because that’s the fact of the situation.

She’s dead. He’ll never hold her again or kiss her or hear her voice.

 _So why is he still paying her rent_?

It’s not until later, when Bellamy is getting ready to go out, that he starts to put it all to the back of his mind. He can compartmentalise his pain now and he can make himself stop thinking of how afraid she must have been before she died or how much she wanted him to save her.

He has to stop thinking about it because he has to move on. There’s nothing else to do. 

Emori has set him up with one of her friends - some girl called Echo.

Bellamy sighs as he looks at himself in the mirror before he leaves. His navy shirt is a little creased and he could do with trimming his beard but fuck it, it’s not as bad as it was when he started growing it when Clarke disappeared.

His hair is a little shorter and he styles it a little straighter these days. He’s also put back some of the weight he had lost and his muscles are starting to grow bigger again from hitting the gym - he has to let his anger out somehow.

Besides the stitches in his face and a bruise forming near his eye, he looks okay.

_Fuck it - it won’t hurt to give this a chance._

With that, he grabs his keys and heads out the door, promising himself that he won’t think of Clarke again until he’s home tonight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before any of you explode at me, I will not be writing about Becho that much.  
> I’m not bothered about them on the show, I’m just waiting for them to run their course (because I think Bellarke is endgame) and they will in this story too.  
> Please leave me a comment as always because I really value and appreciate them and also share if you like the story :)  
> If you want to find me on Tumblr or share the fic: [here's the link.](http://eyessharpweaponshot.tumblr.com/post/183838375314/lose-you-too-bellarke-fbicriminal-mindsthe)


	9. The Map That Leads to You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We dive into Clarke's past a little here, although not fully.  
> Thank you for all your comments - I read them all and try to reply to everyone.  
> Chapter title is from the song 'Maps' by Maroon 5.

The kiss is passionate and eager - on one side at least. He has Clarke pressed against the papered wall and his hands move over her body, greedy and possessive. It’s been six years since she’s been intimate with someone.

 _That someone_.

She doesn’t even know where he is right now.

Clarke lets the dark haired man go a little further, missing the feeling. He squeezes her ass and presses messy kisses to her neck in his drunken haze and for a moment, she lets herself believe that he’s who she wants him to be. He continually shatters her fantasy though - he lacks the finesse and skill.

_Little further._

He’s her last lead and she has to follow through with this. She’s exhausted all her other resources in London and Wells needs an update tonight.

_That’s quite enough._

‘Hey, you know what would be fun?’ She says playfully as this man pulls down the strap on her red dress.

‘What, baby?’ He replies with a hint of sleaze. Maybe it’s that word that makes her next move more aggressive than intended because she’s not _his_ baby. Clarke head-butts him into his face, twists his arm and dislocates his shoulder easily. The man screams out in pain, sliding down his apartment wall. It’s dark outside but the lights are on dim.

‘If you and I had a little chat about our friend, Cage Wallace.’ Clarke bends down on her hunkers, head tilted at him. She removes her gun from her leg holster under her dress and presses it to his temple. He’s sweating and half crying from the pain in his shoulder. She almost pities him.

‘I don’t know who you’re talking about, I swear to God!’ He stammers out, trying to pull his head back from the gun but instead, it just meets his wall. Clarke’s black heels are starting to hurt her in this position so she sighs, taking the gun from his head quickly and shooting him into his leg, unflinching as she pulls the trigger. Screams bounce off the walls and Clarke is sure half the apartment block have heard him. It’s a rough area though so no-one should question it. Just in case, she decides to speed things up.

‘You gotta help me out here, Lovejoy. Time to start talking. I know you worked for him’ she says.

Lovejoy gives up the information she needs after ten minutes of torture. He’s an asshole and had dirty dealings in the past, but Clarke is sure he didn’t want to die for Wallace.

_Shame._

As Clarke closes the door behind her, she rubs down the handle with a cloth because she’s too good at this by now to leave any evidence of her being here - and then she’s on her way, leaving Lovejoy’s dead body in his apartment.

Once outside, she walks for a bit before dropping her gun into the Thames. Then it’s like nothing has ever happened. Her heels click along the footpath and she pulls her black coat in around her, but it does nothing to warm her bare legs that peak out under her short red dress.

London is nice this time of year. Snow drizzles the ground and Christmas lights dazzle the city. Clarke appreciates the beauty in every place she’s been in these past few years, despite having to do such horrible work in them.

Prague is notably nice in the early spring while she prefers Belgium and Amsterdam in September, but she misses D.C - especially in winter. She doesn’t let herself think about home too often, or her team - if she can even call them that anymore. It’s been six years. D.C is still home though. It’s the only place that’s ever been home to her.

She grew up in New York with her parents like a ‘privileged Princess’ as Bellamy used to call her, but she always felt like she didn’t really fit into that lifestyle. When they died and the Jaha’s took her in, she liked it fine but it still wasn’t home. Once Wells and Clarke joined the force and were recruited to this mission, she spent her life all over the world for two years trying to take down Wallace and his associates but she never found home in any of those countries either. It’s not until she spent six years away from D.C that she realised how much she loved it and how she finally knew what home was.

Although maybe it’s not as much D.C - maybe it’s true what they say. Maybe home doesn’t always have to be a place, maybe it can be a person.

He certainly feels like home to her.

Clarke takes her burner phone from her pocket and dials Wells’ temporary number. While waiting for him to pick up, she wipes a dot of Lovejoy’s blood from her hand. Clarke tries to think back on when she let go of her conscience. It’s strange because she seems to be able to turn it on and off. When it comes to getting this job done, it’s definitely off.

‘Is it done?’ Wells’ voice comes through the phone.

‘Yeah. Found out the name of the programme they’re using’ Clarke replies. Even though she’s using a burner phone, they never release important information this way. They have to meet. ‘Where are you guys?’

‘New York. Call me when you land’ Wells tells her and he hangs up. Clarke dumps her burner, flags down a cab and hops in, telling him to take her to the nearest airport to them. She’ll get the next flight out and she can’t help but be a little excited to be back state-side. She misses American food.

They’re one step closer - one step closer to this all being over and then she can go home.

Before coming to Kane’s task force, Clarke spent most of her career undercover on this single, classified mission. The team she is on is set with locating a dangerous fugitive named Cage Wallace. When she first started, her and Wells were young - far too young to even be allowed in the FBI properly - but they were wanted on this mission and they wanted to do it - they had nothing to lose at the time.

They are so close to finishing this, despite the massive amounts of delays they’ve encountered. When she left D.C that day with Wells, she was sure they’d have it done in a few weeks.

_But six years._

It makes Clarke’s head spin - she can’t go back when who they hunt is still out there. Wallace has been looking for them - he knows a team is after him and he knows how detrimental they have been to the deterioration of his business. They have taken down a lot of his empire. The last thing they need is for him to go underground again - he did it for three years the last time.

They can’t lose him again. There is a trail of dead bodies behind him and a trail of his dead men behind them - he knows they’re coming for him.

As she speeds towards the airport, Clarke can’t help but watch the stars above her through the window, thinking of Bellamy.

She misses him, _so much_.

Her birth name was released as a missing person six years ago but she’s sure Kane and the team have had to move on. They have other cases - other people to help. They would never have found Clarke anyway - she’s too good at this. Remaining a ghost is what’s kept her alive all these years. She tries not to check up on them because she can’t risk being traced at all, but she sometimes sees their names in the papers when she’s in America - for making arrests or asking for the publics help on finding suspects.

Maybe a lot of it is that she doesn’t want to know about them. She doesn’t want to know that they’re doing cases without her or having their dart nights as usual and she’s not there. Even more so, she doesn’t want to know how much danger Bellamy is in on cases without her there to protect him.

She’s sure he worried about her when she disappeared first, but does he miss her now?

_Does he still think about her?_

She wanted to call him so many times, even just to hear his voice, but how could she?

_How could she drag him into this?_

It’s a classified mission and on top of that, Wallace is dangerous. If he finds Clarke and her current team, they’re dead - but they signed up for this. Her D.C team didn’t.

She can’t put them in danger, _she won’t_.

Clarke puts her head down, fishing her passport out of her coat pocket and decides to focus on the next 24 hours ahead of her. The closer she gets to the end of this case, the closer she gets to Bellamy. And that’s the goal she has to keep in her mind.

Once Wallace is dead, she can tell her team why she had to leave and how much she sacrificed to protect them all.

 

-

 

Stepping off the plane at JFK, Clarke carries her passport and some cash - that’s it.

She bought some clothes at London City airport so she feels better in her white converse rather than those uncomfortable heels. She puts on some big sunglasses in order to hide her face from any form of cameras in the city and starts to make her way into the airport from the runway.

She buys a couple of burners from the shop inside and immediately calls Wells to arrange a meeting.

The place she has to go to is by the sea - a dock. She knows the place. Clarke dumps the phone straight away as she makes her way out of the airport because they can’t be too careful. They can't be traced. This could be their last shot to get Wallace and even though he knows he’s being searched for, they don’t want him to know how close they are.

Clarke gets a glimpse of herself in the reflection of the airport glass. Her slim figure still remains, but she has more muscle now and more definition. She hasn’t had Bellamy by her side reminding her to eat, but sometimes this job is slow paced as they wait for leads and wait for other team members to finish their bits before the others can move onto more. So really, Clarke has had all the time in the world to get healthy.

Her hair is cut short and sharp, just under her chin. It’s still blonde and wavy, but she has bursts of pink scattered through the bottom. She tries to change her hair a little every few months because she can’t risk being recognised - but she always keeps the blonde in some way or another.

Bellamy liked it.

Her light denim jeans are comfortable and she thinks they go well with the navy sweater that she picked up in London City airport. Once she steps outside, she throws on her new camel coloured coat and buttons it because _fuck_ , it’s freezing in New York.

Clarke is surprised it's not snowing but it’s a perfect winters day. It’s cold but there’s not a cloud in the sky, just pure bright blue above her in the early morning.

She grabs a cab to take her to the centre of the city and she walks the rest of the way.

The last time Clarke was in New York, she was on an FBI case with her old team. A double one at that - and she slept with Bellamy for the first time.

The nostalgia stings her heart as she walks through the streets. How different her life is now - she wishes she was still on those cases, catching people that aren’t as bad as Cage Wallace. Or better yet, just at home with Bellamy and not on these kinds of jobs at all.

She’s killed so many people and as Clarke glances at the Christmas displays in the shop windows, she can’t help but dream about a life of peace.

Cage Wallace is the worst of the worst, and while their mission is a classified, legal case - their methods of attaining Wallace are not. Their overheads don’t care how they catch Wallace and shut him down as long as it gets done, even if it means leaving a trail of dead bodies behind them.

Clarke hates thinking of herself as an assassin, but she supposes that’s what she is when she’s on this mission. They were specially chosen for this trade because they’re skilled and suitable - but it’s disheartening that after almost eleven years, they still don’t have Wallace. They chased him for two years and then he disappeared - he stopped operating his organisations so obviously and it was incredibly difficult to find leads. The case went cold and they were forced to give up. Clarke was placed in Kane’s unit in Washington for three years and just when she started to get comfortable, Wells came for her because Wallace had resurfaced. She was naive to believe that they would never have to go back to this case again.

Eleven fucking years and they’re still dancing this dance.

Wallace is wanted for selling government secrets, kidnapping, theft, murder, drug dealings, human trafficking - realistically, if its illegal, Cage Wallace has done it. At this point, their overheads don’t even care if he’s taken alive. He has so many people working for him and doing his dealings for him that it’s almost impossible to locate Wallace himself.

Clarke can see her breath in the cool, November air. She had tried to not think about Bellamy, but thoughts always slip through anyway. Everything reminds her of him and now that she’s in New York, he’s alive in every crack and crevice. When her mind is left idle, he’s always there. The dreams are involuntary and this time when she has nightmares of him being in danger and of the old cases that haunt her, he’s not there to comfort her when she wakes.

Clarke picks up the pace, shoving him out of her mind for now. She’s at the docks before she knows it and she sees her team by the old ships.

Wells greets her with a smile, as usual. He’s confident and maybe sometimes a little arrogant, but he gets the job done. He hugs her because they haven’t met up in over four months, and he’s her brother at the end of the day - maybe not by blood but definitely by circumstance.

The other three are behind him, next in line to greet Clarke.

Shaw reminds Clarke of Raven in so many ways. He’s insanely smart and knows pretty much everything about everything. His forte is technology though and so he earned a place on their team as a tech of sorts. He gives her a hug before Harper does, giving Clarke his usual smile.

Harper’s long, sandy hair gets in Clarke’s face when she hugs her next. She’s as pretty as she is smart and Clarke knows how gifted Harper is with a gun in her hand.

Miller is last to hug her, slapping her back as he does so. He’s one of the most loyal people Clarke knows and during the hug, she notices he’s gotten a little thin.

‘Cutting back on the burgers, Nate?’ She teases and he shoves her playfully, smiling.

Wells hands Clarke a new gun and some more cash before he starts.

‘Okay. We have a possible location for Wallace’ he begins. ‘I want to be in and out in under five minutes, and we all go in on this. No more separating. Clarke, what programme are they using to hack? You said you got the name from Lovejoy in London.’

‘Yeah’ Clarke says, pulling her coat into her chest to banish to cold air from herself. ‘It’s called ALIE. It’s trouble - it can get inside pretty much everything, almost like it has a mind of its own. If he tries to use it to hack government databases…well. I don’t have to tell you the dangers of that. Shumway wanted a code to get into our system before, but now with ALIE…’

‘They don’t need a code’ Shaw finishes for her. ‘What do you think they needed from your systems?’

Clarke sighs, running her fingers through her short hair.

‘I don’t know. I’ve thought about it a million times over the past few years. The only thing I can think of is that Wallace wants our names, which he could get from jumping into files like classified mission clearances and stuff like that’ she tells them. She thought Cage already knew their names, especially when Shumway had her in his hands - but he doesn't. If he did, they'd all be dead by now.

'What? Because we’ve destroyed his drug dealings with Tsing and other shit like that?’ Miller scoffs. ‘He’s not that petty. He has bigger fish to fry. He’s not looking for us.’

‘Yes he is, Miller. He knows we’ll kill him if we find him, he wants us out of the way. Besides, we’ve cost him millions’ Harper speaks up,

‘If he gets our names, he could track our movements then through passports and the likes. We’d have to get more creative and use different names’ Wells thinks out loud.

‘What? No’ Clarke furrows her brow at him. ‘We’re not going to be in this any longer to develop more names. This has to end, soon!’

‘Clarke, you know as well as I do that this will take as long as it takes. Besides, we…’

Gunshots interrupt Wells. Instinctively, they all duck, looking over to where the shots are coming from. They see NYPD officers firing at a few suspects running along the docks. It’s probably something to do with gangs as Clarke remembers hearing about gang murders on the radio while in the cab on the way here. It’s nothing to do with them, but they have to move.

They can’t be photographed, brought in for witness statements or basically have the spotlight on them in any way. Besides, if they are brought in for statements, it will only delay Wallace’s arrest and Clarke needs it to be over.

So much could go wrong here - if they are brought in for any reason, Clarke will be back on the grid. They’ll think of her as suspicious as she has nothing on her person only cash, a gun and her passport which they will run - and now that Wallace has this ALIE programme, she can’t risk either of her names pinging on any database in case he finds out who she is. Her passport will show her movements over the past six years, jumping from country to country with no real job. That looks suspicious as hell and so they’ll fingerprint her. Clarke Griffin will own those prints and her team back in D.C will be notified. They can’t know about this mission yet, not until Wallace is dead.

Clarke snaps her gaze to Wells and she knows he’s thinking the same thing.

‘Move’ he tells them all. With that, they all scatter - running in different directions.

‘Hey, you lot, stop!’ A police officer calls. Shaw sprints up a side street towards the city - hoping to be lost in the crowds, Clarke bets. Harper and Miller are half way down the docks by now and she didn’t see where Wells went.

Clarke is racing up wooden steps though, towards one of the empty, old ships. Her sunglasses fall off as she lands on the deck but she doesn't stop. She pulls open the nearest door to her and vanishes inside. It’s huge. She races down one of the corridors and continues descending the staircases at the end of each hallway until she’s deeper and deeper inside the ship. Once she’s reached the bottom, she’s out of breath. The drips of water make considerable noise on the metal and she knows she’s in the boiler room. This ship is way older than she thought and obviously hasn’t been used in a long time.

Clarke is hiding behind a heavy, metal door for what seems like forever. She’s panting, trying to get her breath back. This room is dark, even though the corridors were lit so it means someone is working on the ship. They are probably above the deck though considering she's almost ran the entire length of it without running into anyone.

The water below the vessel rocks her ever so slightly but she’s glad of the hiding place.

She stands still for ages, waiting to hear a noise. She doesn’t think an officer has followed her, but better safe than sorry. They might never have been called in for statements and she knows they made it suspicious when they ran, but they can never be too careful.

The whole place is completely silent, save for the odd creak which is just a result of the water rocking the boat.

Clarke breathes a sigh of relief and she’s just about to step out from behind the door when she hears footsteps.

_Shit._

She _has_ been followed down. The sound of an officers steps reveal that they’re walking slowly into the boiler room and their gun is obviously drawn, wary and suspicious.

Then she hears it and Clarke’s heart drops into her stomach. Her heart starts to belt out of her chest and her blood runs cold.

‘Blake to base, I’m in pursuit of one of the runaways. Female, short blonde hair, approximately 5’5. Possible suspect in the Cartwig murder as she ran from the scene. I’m on a ship in zone A. Visual on the suspect entering the ship, no backup necessary, over.’

Clarke thinks she’s going to be sick. She can’t think straight.

Usually, she would have had a plan figured out by now on how to escape - if it were anyone else.

_But it’s fucking Bellamy._

Bellamy is in the same room as her right now and her heart pounds. Part of her wants to jump out and hug him but she can’t.

She can’t let him see her.

Her mind is clouded. Normally, she would just shoot to injure so she could get away - but that is hardly an option right now.

Clarke can hear Bellamy’s steps. He’s getting closer and closer to the metal door that she’s hiding behind. Faith would fucking have it that her old team would be on this case.

She looks through a small hole in the rust eroded door and she sees him for the first time in six years. He’s wearing his FBI jacket, navy with yellow writing, and his gun is drawn - pointing at the air around him. His flashlight is held by his other hand beneath the gun and he’s searching.

Searching for _her_.

Even in the muted darkness and through his FBI jacket, Clarke can tell he’s more muscular now. He’s been working out. There’s a small amount of light shining in from the corridor and when he passes it, Clarke can see that his dark hair still remains the same colour as she remembers. It’s not as messy though, pushed back out of his face a little more. Maybe it’s because its a little shorter, but Clarke notes that it doesn’t look as curly. His jawline is sharp and she notices another new addition - a beard. It’s not long but Clarke thinks it adds to how attractive he is, making him even more masculine and tough looking if that’s possible. Despite it being six years, time hasn’t aged him much. Then again, she doesn’t think it’s affected her much either.

Clarke’s heart feels like it’s going to fall right out of her chest. A million thoughts are running through her head and a million feelings are pulsating through her body.

Panic, pain, heartache, nostalgia…fear.

She holds her breath as the light shines on the door. To Clarke’s relief, he lowers his gun - he thinks she’s not here, that the room is clear. He’s about to turn to make his way back up the corridor when the door Clarke is behind moves.

The clang of metal is obvious.

She’s tipped it with her foot, trying to steady herself.

Clarke winces. _Well done._

Bellamy’s gun is back up again as quick as anything, pointing at the door as he slowly steps closer. Clarke grips her gun in her coat pocket. She’s no longer trying to think of a plan, she just has to go on instinct here.

She waits until he is a little closer before she makes a burst for it, shoving the door as hard as she can at him. It knocks Bellamy to the ground from the force and the unexpected smack of the metal door. He’s disarmed and Clarke is running.

She’s out of the room and down the corridor in half a second, making a break for the staircase at the end.

She doesn’t look back - she can’t let him see her face.

Before she gets to the stairs, she hears him scramble for his weapon in the distance and then he’s up, following her. Clarke knows he’s faster than her so he gains on her quickly.

To slow him down, she pulls her gun out and fires behind her. The bullet smacks off the metal walls of the ship, creating a deafening sound. She was hoping to make him wary so that he’d know his suspect is armed and protocol would tell him to turn corners slower, but it doesn’t work.

He doesn’t care.

He tears after her with no regard for safety.

She climbs the ship as quick as she can, racing down corridors and climbing the staircases she descended not so long ago. Bellamy is on her tail and too close for comfort.

It’s not like him to be so reckless.

Clarke comes up onto a new corridor in which she can turn left or right, but she’s forgotten which way the exit is and the panic is doing nothing to help her remember. She bolts for the right but the minute she’s done so, she knows its a mistake.

She can’t turn back - she can already hear Bellamy climbing the previous stairs. He’s seen her before she turns the corner to a dead end and Clarke curses. She runs towards it anyway, praying to God that there’s some door to another stairwell but there isn’t. She’s facing the end wall of the ship, her gun in her hand.

Bellamy swings around the corner, stopping a few feet away. Clarke doesn’t dare turn around but she knows it’s inevitable.

He’s going to see her face.

‘FBI, you are running from a federal agent. Drop the weapon and put your hands behind your head’ Bellamy says sternly.

She’s trained to never disarm but she does because she’s afraid she’ll use her gun if she has to, and she doesn’t want to hurt him. Clarke throws her gun to the ground, listening to the thump of it off the floor.

‘Put your hands behind your head’ Bellamy repeats the order and Clarke does as she’s told. Her blonde hair feels soft under her touch and she tries to focus on her breathing to regulate it. She’s completely out of breath. She’s too warm in her navy sweater now and she definitely wishes she wasn’t wearing her fucking coat. Her jeans and converse are speckled with dirt from running but she just wishes she was invisible, wearing some kind of cloak to shield her from his sight.

‘Turn around, slow’ Bellamy instructs and at this, Clarke hesitates. She closes her eyes tight.

 _This is happening_.

‘I said turn around!’ Bellamy yells.

Clarke opens her eyes, bites her lip and turns slowly.

Bellamy’s face comes into her view and hers comes into his. She watches the disbelief wash over him, the shock setting into his features. His gun lowers slightly and his eyes tighten a bit, almost like he can’t believe what he’s seeing.

‘Clarke?’

Now is her window. She acts quick while he’s still in shock. Before Bellamy knows what’s happening, Clarke is on him. She’s disarmed him and his gun slides up the corridor of the ship.

Bellamy then starts to focus.

He shoves her into the metal wall, his strength obvious in the force he takes her at. His face is right by hers and the sight of his eyes makes her heart drop even further. She doesn’t feel her normal butterflies, but instead a gush of guilt floods her. Those beautiful brown eyes of his read shock, yes, but there’s hurt there as well.

He holds her against the wall tight but he’s depending on brute force - he’s not precise enough and not quick enough.

Clarke lifts her knee into his stomach, causing Bellamy to loosen his grip. She punches him into his jaw, putting all her weight behind it and he staggers back a little. She tries to run but he grabs her, flipping her over. A surge of pain flies through her back as the floor of the ship rattles her.

_‘Don’t let him gain control, Clarke.’_

Clarke swings her legs and knocks his from under him. He lands on the floor with a bang and she uses the opportunity to scramble up. He’s on his feet a millisecond after her but she’s ready for him.

Clarke and Bellamy may have been trained the same in the FBI, but Clarke has extra on him.

He’s way bigger than her and she’s not sure where the strength comes from, but Clarke grabs his arm and twists it behind him, shoving him into the wall - face first. While he’s dazed, Clarke snaps the handcuffs off his belt and uses them to connect his hand with a semi-thick, metal pipe on the wall of the ship.

Clarke pulls back, catching her breath as Bellamy catches up with what’s happened. He forgot who he was dealing with. He still has his communication mic attached to his jacket so Clarke knows he’ll get out, but she just needed to buy herself some time.

She throws the handcuff keys down the corridor and picks up her gun as Bellamy stares at her. She can tell he’s still shocked, but he’s angry too.

‘Sorry, Bellamy. It’s not personal’ she tells him, breathing heavily from their scuffle.

‘Really? Because it feels pretty fucking personal’ he says bitterly. ‘I thought you were dead.’

He probably intended his voice to stay hard and angry, but the crack that appears at the end of that line makes Clarke almost burst into tears. She can hear the hurt seeping out of it.

‘Bellamy’ she whispers, her eyes dipping in sadness. ‘I can’t explain right now, but you need to trust me.’

‘Trust you?’ He spits. ‘I thought you were taken, but what? You just up and left? Do you have any idea what the last six years have been like?’

His hand is locked against the pipe but his other one is clenched by his side, his form slightly turned as he looks at her. Clarke just wants to hug him. This is killing him and it definitely is not the way she wanted him to see her again.

‘Please. I’m asking you to have a little faith. Just give me some time and I promise, I can…’

‘Don’t you dare finish that sentence’ he interrupts her. ‘You can shove your fucking promises. You promised me you’d always have my back, you remember that? What the fuck is this?’

Clarke has tears brimming in her eyes. This has destroyed him.

‘Bellamy, please. I need you and I don’t have much time. I just need to do one thing and I swear I’ll tell you everything’ she pleads with him, watching his eyes flicker at her statement. Her heart is burning.

‘You need me?’ He utters, softer now. His handcuffs rattle a little off the pipe.

‘Yes’ she tells him, certain. ‘I need you to trust me and let me do what I’m doing.’

‘You left me’ he says simply, as if she doesn’t have the right to ask anything of him anymore. Maybe she doesn’t. ‘And what it looks like you’re doing is running from the law. You turned rogue, Clarke? Joined some criminal organisation I don’t know about? Or maybe that's who you always were, you were just that good to make us all believe you were one of us.’

‘No it’s not like that! You know me!' she shouts.

'Do I?'

That breaks her heart and he knows it, he can see it in her face but all that's on his is anger.

Footsteps behind her make her snap around, aiming her gun at the corner. Wells appears around it with his gun drawn too.

Both of them breathe a sigh of relief, lowering their arms.

‘Clarke, you okay?’ He asks her.

When Clarke looks back at Bellamy, he’s staring at Wells. Then, he huffs out a breath from his nose and a knowing smirk forms on his face as he shakes his head.

‘What you waiting for? Let’s go’ Wells says quickly, beckoning towards the way he came.

Clarke can’t tear her eyes from Bellamy. Even after all this time, she still loves him.

‘Please, just trust me’ she begs of him one last time, turning to go with Wells.

‘I’ll find you and your boyfriend, Clarke. Whatever the hell you have been up to, it stops now’ Bellamy says after her.

She stops in her tracks because his words almost knock the wind from her.

 _He thinks she’s with Wells_.

Clarke takes a breath and stays walking after her brother because it’s bad enough Bellamy knows she’s here, but she can’t reveal anything else or he’ll figure this all out. She needs to protect them all. If Wallace was to find out who she is, he would kill everybody she holds close and he would stop at nothing to find her. She can't risk that.

Besides, Bellamy will never find her - they’re traceless to the outside world and he'll never think to check classified files on their database. Anyway, he'd have to call her overheads to get clearance for it and they'd never give it. What worries her is that Wallace has ALIE and no matter what protection they put on anything, Clarke's overheads can do nothing to stop Wallace finding out whatever he wants about them all. Her only hope is that he won't link her Clarke Jaha profile with her Griffin one.

She’s almost reached the exit when she hears Bellamy’s voice again, following her down the corridor.

‘Blake to base, suspect got away. She’s armed and considered highly dangerous. Former missing person. All units deploy to the area. I want her in custody immediately’ he annunciates into his mic, venom leaking through his voice. He knows she’s heard it.

‘That your partner?’ Wells says quietly as they make towards the door. Clarke just nods. ‘He’s pissed.’

‘Yeah’ Clarke agrees but she knows Wells can hear the sadness in her voice.

‘You can’t stay here to tend to his feelings. Wallace is who matters and we need to take him down or all of this will have been for nothing’ he tells her once they’re on the deck.

Clarke nods again and they run.

There’s no cops or agents in sight yet so they make quick work in getting off the ship.

She watches her breath in front of her as they walk towards Central Park.

Before they turn the corner, she can hear sirens approaching the docks behind them but they don’t look back.

They don’t pick up the pace.

Wells and Clarke just walk calmly around the corner until they are out of sight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What a twisted reunion!  
> Lots of angst here and I'm sorry for any pain I cause...kinda ;)  
> Please leave me your comments and thoughts below.  
>   
> If you want to find me on Tumblr or share the story: [here's the link.](http://eyessharpweaponshot.tumblr.com/post/183838375314/lose-you-too-bellarke-fbicriminal-mindsthe)


	10. Who Are You, Really?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is from the song 'Who Are You, Really?' by Mikky Ekko - a song from Teen Wolf for any fans out there :)  
> This chapter is intense and a good build up to what's coming.  
> Enjoy!

‘Finally, where the hell were you?’ Miller snaps out of panic when they walk through the door of their hotel room.

Shaw is sitting on the couch, leaning forward so he can work his magic on the laptop in front of him. Harper is leaning by the window and Miller looks like he’s been pacing.

‘Sorry. Where are we?’ Wells gets to the point. As they review the case again for the millionth time, Clarke takes a seat at the table - away from them all.

She needs a few minutes to herself. A few minutes of quiet to come to terms with what has just happened. She can’t get Bellamy’s face out of her mind - the way he looked at her when he realised who she was, the way he spoke to her when he realised she left him by ‘choice’ rather than getting taken.

_Jesus. He’ll never fucking forgive her._

‘Clarke’ Wells calls her, breaking her out of her stupor. Clarke takes her head from her hands and sees them all staring at her.

‘What?’

‘Your name is pinging on the FBI database - someone is searching for you’ he tells her, his eyes serious. Shaw can’t hack their system properly - Monty is too good. But he can get a few layers in because he's not so bad himself and he's always had a trace on it to notify him if any of their names were ever searched.

‘Of course it is’ Clarke shrugs. ‘Bellamy is obviously searching for me after our run-in.’

‘They never stopped searching for you. Clarke Griffin was always set to go off if it ever came up on their database’ Shaw tells her and Clarke is surprised - they never gave up trying to find her. She thought they would because it’s been so long. She should have known her team wouldn’t quit on her though and it warms her heart. ‘But that’s not the name that’s being ran’ Shaw finishes.

_Okay. Good feeling gone._

‘What do you mean?’ Clarke gets up quickly, walking over to the laptop.

‘It’s Clarke Jaha’ Wells confirms what Clarke is reading on the screen. Clarke’s mouth falls open a little in shock. ‘How does Bellamy know that name?’ Wells sounds pissed, almost like he thinks Clarke would have told him. Clarke straightens herself.

‘You can’t think I’d be that stupid?’ she assumes that she knows what Wells is thinking. When he shrugs, his eyes go wide as if encouraging another explanation from her.

Then it hits her.

Clarke shoves her hands into her coat pockets and when she can’t find it, she tries her jeans.

Nothing.

Clarke groans, raking her hands through her hair.

‘He has my fucking passport.’

‘Clarke’ Wells starts to scold.

‘Don’t, Wells’ she stops him, holding her hand up to him as she storms away from him to the table.

‘Clarke. This is a fucking problem’ he continues anyway.

‘He won’t get into the classified mission files’ Clarke snaps, but she knows the reason she’s getting angry is because she has made a mistake here. ‘Monty is good but he’s can’t do that without losing his job. He won’t hack and he will be denied access if he asks our overheads. All he’ll see when he finds the file is ‘Clarke Jaha’ along with a few basic descriptions of me and then under job title, there will be a big ‘classified’ stamp.’

‘It’s not about your team finding out what we’re doing, Clarke’ Shaw tells her, stern but calm. ‘We don’t know if Cage has used ALIE yet, but if he has, he’ll see this system has done his job for him. He’ll see the link between your two names and you can never go back to D.C. You might as well turn yourself into him than go back there.’

‘I can’t go back anyway if we don’t kill him because my team will never forgive me without the truth of why I left’ Clarke shouts out of adrenaline and panic.

‘Clarke’ Harper interjects. ‘Even if you don’t go back and Cage uses ALIE, he will hunt down every single person on that task force in order to find you. He’d do that if he had a lead on any of us. He knows what we look like from that time we almost caught him in Prague and you can bet your ass that he hasn’t forgotten. The second he sees your picture on those profiles, your team are dead if he doesn’t find you first.’

Clarke doesn’t even realise that she’s started to cry.

‘Then what are we gonna do?’ She asks loudly. The emotion is bubbling inside her chest so much that it’s paining her.

 _Fuck_ \- she doesn’t want her team brought into this.

‘We stick to the plan’ Wells tells her, walking over to take her by the shoulders. He’s trying to ground her and ensure her they can stop this. ‘Cage knows we’re onto him. I’m surprised he hasn’t gone underground already. Whatever he is working on right now must be big for him to risk being caught - so we have to take advantage of that. We have to act now, like I said.’

‘Let’s go then’ Clarke sniffles, grabbing her gun from the kitchen table.

‘No. You need to go find Bellamy’ Wells stops her. When Clarke furrows her brow at him, he continues. ‘You need to convince him to stop that search. Shaw is blocking the system from connecting the two files at the moment but he can’t hold it off forever - your tech will realise there’s something wrong and when he digs, he’ll find out that there’s a block and he’ll lift it. Then once Cage uses ALIE, he’ll know who you are on both sides of your life.’

‘How can I convince Bellamy to do that when I can’t tell him what’s going on?’

‘Just tell him then, screw protocol and Headquarters’ Miller says as he folds his arms.

‘I can’t! He’ll want to help and then he’ll be in this thing anyway. I’m trying to avoid that, remember? Trust me, if he thinks I’m in this amount of danger you’ll be lucky if he doesn’t handcuff me to a table to protect me’ Clarke says, wiping her eyes.

‘Find a way to stop him, Clarke’ Wells says, opening up a duffle bag and loading it with guns from under the bed. ‘And in the mean time, pray to whatever God you believe in and all the others for luck that Cage doesn’t see your names on that database.’

‘What are you going to do?’ Clarke asks.

‘We’re going to find Cage. Our location is right, but ideally we needed more time to scope it out. We’re rushing this for you, Clarke. So lets hope it works’ Wells doesn’t look up at her.

‘No pressure’ Clarke rolls her eyes, shoving her gun into her coat pocket and making for the door. ‘Call me on my burner when it’s done and I’ll do what I can to stop the search. Good luck’ she tells them all before banging the door shut behind her. She should have hugged them considering they are about to try take down Cage Wallace - it’s dangerous.

But Clarke is angry. Angry at Wells and the others for being angry at her. Angry at Bellamy because he can’t just trust her and angry at this whole situation because she spent eleven fucking years trying to take down Cage and now she won’t even be there when it happens.

Mainly though, she’s just angry at herself. She didn’t realise that Bellamy took her passport during their fight, she’s the reason Wells and the others have to rush this job and it’s not something to be rushed. They also have spent their lives chasing Cage and it could be shot to hell now because Clarke messed up. And really, it’s her fault Bellamy isn’t trusting her.

_How could she expect him to?_

As she storms out of the hotel, she takes a breath and decides to focus. There’s nothing left now. She has to do what Wells told her and get Bellamy to call off the search, otherwise they’re all dead.

 

-

 

Clarke stops at a clothing store on the way and changes into some grey jeans, a moss green, tight fitting t-shirt and a black leather jacket. She keeps her converse on and dumps her old clothes. It’s something she’s learned to do in order to avoid recognition on cameras. She shoves her gun into the top of her jeans and makes her way to the hotel. It’s the one Kane’s unit normally stayed in every time they were in the city so she just hopes to God that after six years, they still use it.

Sitting in the lobby now, Clarke is out of sight from the main desk and pretends to flick through a newspaper.

_Seriously, could she be any more undercover?_

Memories of their last night here fly through her mind and Clarke does her best not to get caught up in the thoughts of Bellamy’s lips on hers or his hands roaming over her body. Mainly because when those thoughts do slip in, they are quickly replaced by images of him looking at her today in pure disgust.

She hates it.

Clarke is beginning to think it’s a pointless endeavour - Bellamy could be on a flight back to D.C after finishing his case or he could be at a completely different hotel. She’s running on instinct though - if she knows Bellamy like she used to, he isn’t going anywhere after seeing Clarke.

She’s right.

It’s just growing dark outside when she sees him. Bellamy’s confident strides take him through the lobby, not even looking in Clarke’s direction. The hotel lights illuminate his face and he looks wrecked from tiredness. He gets his key from reception and Clarke waits until he’s in the elevator before she gets up and walks over to it. She watches for what floor he gets off on - the 7th.

Now it’s Clarke’s turn.

Approaching reception, she hopes her charm with lying still works.

‘Agent Griffin with Commander Kane’s task force, FBI’ she says confidently. Clarke makes it look like she’s looking for her badge in her pockets but it’s just an attempt to distract the receptionist.

Confidence is key.

She pulls her jacket aside to search in the inside pocket, which displays the gun on her hip. It’s all in the details. She waves her arms like it doesn’t matter that she can’t find her credentials. Glancing at the receptionist’s name badge, Clarke uses it in her next sentence because it always helps to make people feel important by using their name.

‘Maya, I’m here with my partner, Agent Blake. He’s just gone upstairs’ she tells her.

‘Yes, I just gave him a keycard’ Maya smiles.

_Great, she’s buying it._

‘Yeah, he’s just up there now but the card isn’t actually working’ Clarke rolls her eyes, half smiling. ‘My passport is in his room and I need to be on a flight to D.C in an hour. He was supposed to drop it back down to me but he’s on 7 now, stuck outside his door. It’ll be quicker if I just run up to him with a new one and get my passport myself’ Clarke says like she’s in a hurry. ‘My cab will be here any minute.’

‘Oh of course, let me just scan him a replacement’ Maya replies as she takes out a fresh card. One quick swipe and Clarke has a card for his room.

‘Thank you, Maya. You’re a life saver’ Clarke smiles at her before jogging towards the elevator. ‘The room number, seven…?’ Clarke calls back and pretends like she’s trying to remember.

‘715, Agent’ Maya smiles and Clarke puts up her hand in a gesture of thanks before stepping onto the elevator. Before she knows it, she’s on the 7th floor.

Clarke’s heart is pounding again, as it always does when it's to do with Bellamy. Outside his room, Clarke presses her ear to the door to listen for movement inside. She can hear the faint hum of the shower and she knows that this is her window. Her gun at the ready, just in case, she slips the card into the slot and a green light confirms that she’s in.

Pushing open the door slowly, Clarke tries to stop her hand shaking because she does not want to have to use this gun on Bellamy. She just needs him to tell Monty to call off the search but deep down, she knows this isn’t going to be a straightforward conversation.

Clarke is careful to close the door quietly behind her before making her way over to the centre of the room. The lights are out except for the bathroom one and the door is slightly ajar. Steam and light creep out through the slit, confirming that Bellamy shouldn’t interrupt her when he’s mid-shower. His go-bag, gun and jacket are on the bed so Clarke fishes her hand into the pocket of his jacket, finding his credentials, his phone and her passport.

_Nice move, Blake._

She puts her passport into her back pocket and then moves onto Bellamy’s phone. Maybe she can text Monty herself and save a confrontation with Bellamy - but how long would it last before he figures out what she’s done and tells Monty to resume the search?

Would it be enough time for Wells and the others to have the job done with Cage?

Clarke presses the button on Bellamy’s phone and his screen lights up, displaying a few messages. She can read them without having to open them properly. The first one is from Kane.

**‘BLAKE, I TOLD YOU TO STOP LOOKING FOR HER. GO TO BED. YOU WON’T FIND HER WANDERING ON THE STREETS OF NEW YORK, SHE’S OBVIOUSLY GOOD AT STAYING HIDDEN. EVEN IF YOU DID FIND HER, DO NOT ATTEMPT TO MOVE ON HER WITHOUT BACKUP. SHE’S BEEN LIVING ANOTHER LIFE THE LAST SIX YEARS AND UNTIL WE KNOW WHAT THAT IS, WE CAN’T TRUST WHAT SHE’D DO.’**

That stings.

Kane actually thinks that she’d kill them?

What do they think of her now?

She has screwed up so badly but what other choice did she have?

She’s protecting them, they just don’t know it.

The next one is from Monty.

**‘NO, NOTHING IS COMING UP. I’LL LET YOU KNOW WHEN THE SEARCH FINALISES.’**

Bellamy is obviously hounding him about the result of the search and Clarke rolls her eyes, expecting no less. Bellamy would see her message too quick if she sent one to Monty - so that’s that plan out the window. He’s clearly texting him every hour.

The message below Monty’s is an interesting one, from Raven.

**‘TODAY MUST HAVE BEEN HARD. ARE YOU OKAY? I TOLD YOU TO COME BACK TO THE STATION SO WE COULD TALK. REMEMBER TO BREATHE.’**

Clarke furrows her brow. She doesn’t even know what to make of that. What’s been going on?

**‘HILARIOUS, MAN. NOT EXACTLY THE WAY YOU WANT TO BE HANDCUFFED BY A CHICK. SHOULD HAVE BEEN QUICKER, BLAKE.’**

Clarke smirks at Murphy’s text. He hasn’t changed. The smile isn’t long fading when she reads the final one.

**‘HAVEN’T HEARD FROM YOU SINCE THIS MORNING. GIVE ME A CALL IF YOU’RE NOT TOO BUSY WORKING YOURSELF SILLY LIKE ALWAYS. I MISS YOU.’**

_Who the hell is Echo?_

Clarke’s stomach is sick.

 _‘Come on, Clarke. You really didn’t think he was gonna go six years without finding someone else?’_ She thinks to herself but she can’t help the burn blowing up her chest. She has no right to be angry or jealous - it’s not like they were anything proper before she left and Bellamy thought Clarke was dead. He had to move on.

Clarke couldn’t expect him to be alone forever but she didn’t expect this either. She didn’t even think about the fact that he could be with someone else.

She never thought about moving on herself - not that her job gave her any time to do so, but it was always Bellamy. She would always have come back for him. It’s completely irrational now that she thinks about it but she just always assumed he would be there waiting.

Clarke has gained nothing from checking his phone only a foul mood and a horrible ache in her heart. That’s what she gets for being nosey.

_'Pull it together, Clarke.'_

She hears the shower switch off so Clarke puts his phone back into his pocket and stands by the wall in the darkness, gun drawn. When Bellamy comes out, he walks right by her over to his bed. His back is to her but he’s dressed from the waist down. Clarke assumed he would be getting into bed but apparently, he has every intention of going back to work. His black suit pants are riding low on his hips and he’s at his go-bag now, obviously looking for a fresh shirt.

Clarke can’t help but admire him. He’s in exceptional physical shape - better than ever. He was always muscular and toned, but now he looks like he does nothing but workout every spare minute of everyday. The bathroom light is shining on him and Clarke notices a new scar on his lower back. It looks only a few months old, still pink.

_A gunshot wound._

Clarke is fuming with herself. He’s been out there getting hurt and Clarke hasn’t been there to protect him.

Bellamy’s hair is wet and his curls are more prevalent now than when she seen him on the ship. A flashback of Bellamy pressing Clarke against the wall of her shower comes into her mind, his wet body sliding against hers.

She shakes the thought.

_'Focus, Clarke.'_

After he’s finished buttoning up his shirt, he picks up his jacket and Clarke sees him shuffling through his pockets. At first, she thinks he’s looking for his phone which she put back in but the more he searches, the more Clarke realises that he’s looking for her passport.

_For what?_

She lets herself believe that maybe he wants to look at her photo again. It’s wishful thinking though - he obviously has someone else to look at now.

Clarke can see his shoulders slump and his head raise to look at the ceiling because he knows it’s gone. He’s too good of an agent so he’s already realised that she’s here.

Clarke pulls the hammer back on her gun and the click breaks the silence in the room.

‘Put the gun down, Clarke’ Bellamy says as though he expected it. His deep voice makes the hairs on Clarke’s neck stand up. He turns around to face her and Clarke tries not to let her knees go weak beneath her.

‘Call off the search on my name’ she tells him as stern as she can, praying he can’t hear the way her voice shakes. ‘Call Monty. Tell him you made a mistake, that it wasn’t me.’

‘You think the team will believe that?’ Bellamy smirks.

‘I don’t care what you have to say, Bellamy. Turn off the goddamn search’ Clarke snaps because she needs him to do this.

‘Why, what are we gonna find out about your top secret double life, Princess?’ He says with a tone in his voice that Clarke doesn’t appreciate. The use of his old nickname for her makes her stomach flip.

‘Hands on your head, Agent Blake’ she tells him, ignoring that entire sentence because it infuriates her. He does as he’s told but he’s still smirking at her. He thinks she won’t shoot him and Clarke hopes he doesn’t test that thought.

Right now, she’ll do whatever she has to do to protect her team - even if it means hurting Bellamy a little. That fact makes her feel ill, but she has no other choice. She needs Cage gone and she needs her team to be safe. Bellamy will heal if she hurts him, he won't if Cage gets him.

‘How do you know we’re searching for you?’ Bellamy questions her and _shit_ , she never thought of that. If she can’t convince him to stop now, he’ll tell Monty that they’re in the system somehow. ‘You got a tech of your own?’

‘Bellamy, I mean it. Just call it off.’

‘The short hair suits you’ Bellamy says, a little soft. ‘At least you're still blonde, not counting the pink bits in the end’ he gestures with his own hand against his hair and then puts it down by his side again.

‘Hands on your head!’ Clarke repeats because he’s playing it too loose with the power she has here. He puts his hands back but he continues to patronise her.

‘Were you always blonde? Or are you a natural brunette? Just asking because it’s not like I know much about you.’

Whatever feelings he had for Clarke are certainly gone. He’s speaking to her like he doesn’t give a shit about anything anymore, not just her. His tone is almost tired.

‘Bellamy, call, off, the search’ Clarke emphasises, pulling the conversation back to topic. He simply shakes his head. ‘Do you want to die?’ She asks and that wipes the smirk from his face. He didn’t think she’d say that.

‘You gonna kill me, Princess?’ He asks, raising his eyebrows as if he really doesn’t know who she fucking is right now.

‘No. I’m not’ Clarke says. ‘But someone will. He’ll kill everyone on our team.’

‘My team’ Bellamy corrects her and Clarke’s heart clenches. ‘And who is this ‘someone’? A member of whatever thing you’re apart of? Let me guess, they found out I was searching for you and they threatened to kill us all if I blow whatever stupid shit you're doing?’ He smirks again. ‘Is it drugs? Seems like it might be. You know how crazy those guys get when their business is threatened.’

‘Bellamy’ she says softly. It’s only now that Clarke notices that she’s crying. When Bellamy hears her voice break like that, Clarke doesn’t miss the way his eyes change. He’s only half illuminated by the bathroom light, but she sees it. ‘Whatever you think is going on, you’re wrong. I’m not apart of anything like that.’

‘Then tell me what is going on’ Bellamy says, softer now. Clarke actually feels like she might get through to him.

‘I can’t. It’s classified. But...’ she starts to say but Bellamy cuts her off with a scoff, smiling now as he throws his eyes up to heaven.

_Okay. Definitely not getting through to him._

‘For fuck sake, Clarke’ he shakes his head, meeting her eyes again. ‘If you were working for our government, I’d know. You weren’t just approached the morning you were taken…’ he stops himself. ‘Sorry. The morning you left’ he corrects himself, staring at Clarke bitterly at that part. ‘And told hey, we need you for a classified mission.’

‘I’ve been on this longer than I’ve been in Kane’s unit’ Clarke is trying very hard here to make him believe her without telling him anything about the case.

‘I don’t believe you’ he says calmly. ‘None of this makes any sense.’

‘It will if you just trust me. I’ll tell you everything really soon. Just let me protect you now. I promise I’ll come back and all of this will be over’ she tells him and a tear escapes her eye.

‘Stop promising me shit’ Bellamy says, taking a step forward.

‘Back up, Bellamy!’ Clarke yells. ‘I’m telling you, call off the damn search or you’re all dead!’ Bellamy ignores her, taking another step. Clarke’s weapon fires and she shoots him into his shoulder. It’s at the very top, almost a graze and its a superficial wound - but it’s enough to stop him walking towards her. Enough for him to think she’s serious. His arms have automatically come off his head at the pain and he clutches his shoulder through his shirt, blood visible through his fingers. He’s staring at her in disbelief.

Clarke tries hard to remain unchanged, but she’s shocked and hurt that she’s had to shoot him.

‘Come at me again and the next one will be more critical. Call off the search’ she tells him, trying to keep her voice steady.

'Not gonna happen, Jaha’ he says, turning quickly and Clarke knows he’s making a move to get his own gun off the bed. He's calling her bluff - she has to shoot him now or run. She breaks for the door and is down the corridor as quick as she can. She has mere seconds.

He used her other name - as if he thinks that’s who she really is and it bothers Clarke to no end. She'll always be Clarke Griffin and she should always be that to him. Just as she expected, Bellamy is out the door after her moments later. He has his gun in his hand and his phone at his ear. This has completely backfired.

‘This is Agent Blake with the FBI, we have a situation at the Polis Hotel on Fifth Avenue. Wanted female suspect fleeing the building, shots fired, I repeat, shots fired. I need all available units down here now. Suspect is highly trained, armed and considered extremely dangerous’ Clarke hears Bellamy pant out as he runs down the corridor after her. Clarke is almost at the stairwell when Bellamy catches her, grabbing her from behind and slamming her into the wall. Clarke winces with the pain and she knows she'll have a nice bruise on her head from the force of that. Bellamy disarms her and puts her arms behind her back. He has no cuffs on him but his grip is tight.

‘Almost got away, Princess’ he gloats.

‘Never be too cocky, Blake’ Clarke throws her foot back, meeting him hard into his kneecap. Bellamy shouts in pain and Clarke is released. She swings her elbow and meets his cheek and it knocks him just long enough for her to grab her gun and make her escape into the stairwell. Clarke glances back before the door swings shut behind her and she sees Bellamy struggle up, limping after her with his gun in his hand.

Clarke skips steps on the way down and her legs ache.

_Bang._

A bullet hops off the metal railing beside her and when she looks up, she sees Bellamy on her tail on the spiral staircase. She’s almost on the ground floor just as Bellamy is reaching the 4th. His knee is slowing him down. He can see her leave the stairwell and Clarke walks smoothly onto the lobby floor. She has to make a quick getaway because units will be here any second but she can’t make it look obvious either. She waves her passport at Maya on reception and Maya gestures back at her, smiling.

‘Safe flight, Agent’ she says, going back to her computer.

NYPD are just pulling up as Clarke steps onto the street, blending in with the crowd of people. She’s not running so she doesn’t look obvious and she knows that’s key. Clarke stays walking and when she looks back again, she sees Raven and Murphy getting out of an SUV and jumping the steps up to the hotel. Clarke can hear an officer announce that no-one is to leave the premises.

The street is swarmed with civilians and Clarke knows she’s well hidden. She walks halfway down the street, glancing back often. In a matter of seconds, she sees Bellamy almost fall out of the hotel, looking up and down the street. He spots her too easily and he makes a bolt for her.

_Oh, come on!_

Clarke starts running now, shoving people out of her way.

_She knows it’s hard for him, but Jesus, can he not just trust her?_

Clarke races towards Central Park which isn’t far from her and if she reaches it, she’s lost to them all and Bellamy knows it.

Bellamy is hot on her tail, even with no shoes on. He has a gunshot wound to his shoulder and an injured kneecap and Clarke can barely outrun him. He has serious passion about taking her down and Clarke shouldn’t be surprised.

He’s hurt and wants answers.

He won’t be able to keep up the stamina once in the park though so he needs to catch her now before she gets there. Clarke is panting as she races through the street, knocking people out of her way. Her gun is held tightly in her hand and every now and then, she checks her back pockets to make sure her passport and burner phone are still there.

She reaches Central Park and she’s well in it before Bellamy reaches the entrance that she came in. She hides behind some trees momentarily, trying to suss out whether Bellamy will follow her in. He doesn’t.

She watches him in the muted darkness of the night, barely lit by the street lamps as he bangs his hand off a rubbish bin in frustration. Clarke exhales hard, trying to catch her breath. Raven and Murphy appear behind him, their guns drawn as well as they scan the place.

‘Fine, run!’ He shouts into the park, making bypassers look at him. ‘Finish whatever you’re doing with your criminal boyfriend and criminal friends. But don’t you dare come back!’ he echoes into the air. And with that, he’s gone.

Clarke feels like she could cry. He’s giving up on her.

Once Monty lifts the block and finishes the search, the team will know that she’s on a classified mission and Bellamy will know she was telling the truth - but it will be too late then. Cage will find her name and he will exert every connection he has to find her. He will find no-one to threaten under her Jaha name. She has no family there. Wells’ parents are long dead.

But under Griffin, her team are her family - and Cage will kill every last one them so he can find her.

There’s only one thing left - she has to pray Wells and the others kill him before he can do that.

She’s failed her side of this, so Clarke only hopes they haven’t failed theirs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, I appreciate every comment you guys leave and I love hearing what you think. So please leave me a comment and I always try and reply :)  
> If you want to find me on Tumblr or share the story: [here's the link.](http://eyessharpweaponshot.tumblr.com/post/183838375314/lose-you-too-bellarke-fbicriminal-mindsthe)


	11. Friends Can Break Your Heart Too

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay - a big explanation chapter here. We learn a lot about Clarke's past and also face a painful reunion. I've said it before and I'll say it again, it get's worse before it get's better.  
> Chapter title is from the song 'I Hate U, I Love U' by Gnash and Olivia O' Brien.

Central Park is freezing this time of year and little flakes of snow are beginning to fall.

Clarke has wandered far into it in case Bellamy decided to resume searching. She’s currently waiting on a wooden bench for Wells to call.

She’s frozen solid.

Her leather jacket isn’t doing much to keep the cold out and she grips her gun tighter to her chest. It’s dark and even though the street lamps are on, it’s still eerily quiet and creepy. She’s had a long time to be alone with her thoughts and right now, she’s depressed herself so much that she doesn’t really care if she freezes to death.

Bellamy is so different with her. She knows it’s been six years and she’s hurt him - but he’s beyond cold with her. It’s like he doesn’t care about her at all anymore. He has no trust left for her and for him to think that she could be living this fugitive life he has imagined, it just baffles her.

Maybe he needs a real reason to hate her and not just accept the fact that someone had the power to destroy him like that by just walking away. Whatever his reasoning is, he’s lost every ounce of faith he’s ever had in her - and now is when Clarke needed him to trust her the most.

Really, she can’t blame him.

If the shoe was on the other foot and Bellamy had left Clarke for six years and she thought he was taken and killed, she’d lose her mind if she found him running through New York with a pile of secrets. Clarke knew by his face when he seen her on the ship that it broke him.

Clarke had no other choice - she had to catch Cage. It was always her mission and just because she was forced to take a break from it and join Kane’s team, it didn’t mean she would never be called back. It’s something she ignored and hoped wouldn’t have to happen, but deep down, she knew she would have to resume this life.

She keeps telling herself that her team will know the truth soon enough and Cage will be dead and everything can just go back to the way it was. She has to believe that.

It’s 3am when her phone rings.

‘It’s over, Clarke’ Wells says once she answers, not bothering with formalities.

‘What do you mean? Is he dead?’ She asks quickly, eager for the result.

‘He’s in the wind’ Wells voice is tired and fed up. ‘We lost him.’

‘You _what_?’ Clarke can barely get out, standing up off the bench and pacing like she can’t believe what she’s hearing. Her stomach is turning and the feeling in her chest is starting to shake through her entire body.

‘He hadn’t gone long by the time we raided the location he was supposed to be at. Every trace we have on him is gone - he’s off the grid’ Wells replies and she can hear a plane in the background - they’re leaving the country. ‘The case is finished for now, we’ll get him next time. Meet us at the airport on the private strip where we agreed. I’ll sort you with some cash until you can organise yourself’ he says, almost as if it’s no big deal.

‘We’ll get him next time?’ Clarke repeats him flatly. ‘You turn up at my house after three years and pluck me from my life because we have a solid lead. Every time we had a delay, I’d get ‘won’t be much longer, Clarke’ and ‘just hold out, we’ll get him.’ Then all of a fucking sudden, it’s been six years and now what, ‘sorry Clarke, we have to start again another time?’ What the hell, Wells?’

Clarke’s voice is definitely shaking now.

‘Clarke, there’s nothing we can do. We rushed it, our window is gone. He knew we were coming somehow. I’m sorry, there’s nothing more I can say - this is hard on us all and let’s not forget that it’s _you_ we rushed this for' he reminds her smartly. 'Speaking of which, did you get Bellamy to call off the search on your name?’

Clarke can feel the shame burn through her because he’s right, if she hadn’t lost her passport to Bellamy and her and her team weren’t potentially in danger because of it, they could have taken more time to scope out the location more and plan a raid when Cage wouldn’t be expecting it. They would have known if he was onto them and if they had more time to do research, they would have known to throw him off the scent.

‘No, Bellamy wouldn’t call it off’ Clarke says through gritted teeth. She has to control herself in case she yells and it echoes through the park.

‘Well, then there’s no life for you back in D.C. You have to go somewhere else to stay hidden. Contact Headquarters, see what they can do for you’ Wells says as if it’s so simple.

‘Wells, are you kidding me? When that block is lifted, Cage is gonna come find my team and kill them to draw me out - and you want me to what, relocate and let that happen?’ Clarke rakes her fingers through her hair, watching her breath blow out in white bursts of air in front of her. She hears Wells sigh at the other end of the phone and he softens.

‘I don’t know what to tell you, Clarke. You’re the only family I have left, I just want you safe.’

‘Well, I want them safe! They’re my family!’ Clarke snaps bitterly, and it’s unfair because it’s not Wells’ fault. She signed up for this mission just like him. But she needs to let out the anger, the frustration and the resentment at someone. ‘I have nothing left. You tore me from my life where I had something good - a job I liked, friends, a home, someone I care about. And now because of Cage, because you came to get me, none of that exists anymore’ she breathes heavily. Wells is silent and she knows that she’s hurt him. Clarke collects herself rapidly as a plan forms in her mind. ‘No. There is no next time. I’m getting him now - this ends now.’

‘And how do you expect to do that? He’s gone, Clarke. Last time he didn’t resurface for three years. You won’t find him until he finds you and you should be smart enough to make sure that doesn’t happen’ Wells tells her.

‘Fuck that. I’m drawing him out. He’s gonna find me very fucking easily because he is not getting my team. He can have me.’

‘Clarke!’ She hears Wells start to call her but she’s already dragged the phone away from her ear, switching it off and tossing it into the trash bin beside her along with her gun.

Clarke takes a breath and begins walking towards the train station because this is what's happening - she's made up her mind and there's no going back. Bellamy will have ordered her to be placed on the no-fly list, so using her ‘Clarke Jaha’ passport is pointless. She’s going home though, he can’t stop her doing that.

She has no evidence that Cage Wallace exists because it’s locked away in the classified mission files, but she’s going to let the search run through. Monty will lift Shaw’s block and they’ll all see that she was on a mission, not running some drug ring like Bellamy thought. They won’t trust her like she wants them to because she can’t tell them the full truth, but it’ll be good enough. After explaining some of it to Kane, he will hopefully let her back to work and she’ll wait. She’ll wait for Cage to come for her himself and then she’ll kill him.

Her team won’t be in danger because Cage will have her, and that’s all that matters to Clarke right now. She’ll tell Bellamy that she finished her mission and she’s home for good now - but she’s still gonna be lying to him because her mission isn't over. Cage isn't dead.

_How much will he hate her for that?_

If he somehow forgives her for leaving and lying to him the first time, he definitely won’t when she does this.

But she has to.

Clarke can live with Bellamy hating her if it means he survives.

 

-

 

‘Where to?’ Clarke’s cab driver asks when she’s in D.C, outside the train station. Clarke answers automatically, praying hard that it works.

It’s almost 10am when she arrives outside Kane’s house and its familiarity brings Clarke a little bit of comfort. She approaches his porch steps and takes a breath, her skin prickling from the coldness in the air.

It feels like forever since she’s knocked but Kane eventually pulls open the door. He’s half-way through putting on his jacket, obviously heading to Headquarters, but he stops dead in his tracks. Automatically, his hand reaches back for his gun but Clarke holds up her hands as if to tell him that she's unarmed.

‘Not necessary, Sir’ she tells him, watching him warily.

‘You better have a damn good reason to be standing on my front porch right now’ he speaks firmly. ‘You think Bellamy hasn’t kept me updated with what’s been going on in New York?’

‘I understand the confusion, Sir, but I can explain.’

‘Explain? Explain how you left my task force of your own accord six years ago? Explain how you almost destroyed one of my best agents?’

Even though Kane is mid-rant, Clarke’s brow furrows.

 _Destroyed one of his best agents?_ _Bellamy?_

There’s clearly a lot she’s missing here.

‘Explain how you show up in New York, running from the law and taking a shot at a member of my team? Oh yes, Clarke. I’m really interested to hear this’ he finishes. Clarke sighs inwardly, closing her eyes as her heart drops.

When its said out loud, it really drives home how much she’s messed up here. Kane must find it within him to pity her face right now because he sighs, opening his front door wide so she can come in.

‘You have five minutes.’

Kane looks older - a few bits of grey are speckled in his dark hair and beard. His face is strained and he looks more tired and stressed now than when she last seen him. He leads Clarke into his living room, which hasn’t changed at all, and she takes a seat by the window. Clarke glances out to his back garden and the old swing that her and Bellamy once sat on still stands strong. She feels a twinge in her heart upon looking at it and she never would have pegged herself for the nostalgic type until she met him.

Taking a breath, Clarke begins because Kane is sitting opposite her, waiting.

‘My real name is Clarke Griffin - that part of my life you know, Sir. I did live a privileged life in New York and it definitely looked a whole lot different than how it is now. My father raised a lot of money and worked closely with Eco-Nation’ she tells him. ‘They research self-sustaining energy and they’ve made large improvements to help the world’s energy crisis because of my father. He died before he could see any though. Cancer’ Clarke says, trying to control her breathing. Her father is a hard topic for her - she was very close with him.

‘I’m sorry’ Kane says, leaning his chin into his hand and Clarke watches him stroke his beard with his fingers.

‘My mother found it hard to cope after that. She was a prestigious doctor in Mount Weather hospital - but she died a few months after my father. Overdose’ Clarke can’t look at Kane when she says that. It’s too painful.

‘Clarke, you don’t have to tell me all of this’ Kane says in far too kind a voice than Clarke deserves.

‘No, Sir. I do. You need to understand’ she replies and Kane nods, allowing her to continue. ‘I was sixteen and all the money in the world couldn’t bring my parents back. My best friend’s parents took me in - Thelonious Jaha and his wife.’

‘Jaha - the Senator in New York?’ Kane asks, his brow furrowing with realisation.

‘He died before I turned 21, but yeah. That’s him’ Clarke confirms. ‘He was good to me and Wells became more like my brother than my best friend. We applied to join the force as soon as we could and even though we were a little young, they assessed us early with a recommendation off the Senator. Upon assessment, Wells was fine but they found me a little angry. I found it hard to live with my mother after my father died - as you can imagine, it’s not fun to have a junkie for a mother. She was so different and it sounds terrible, but I was relieved when she died. I couldn’t watch her like that anymore’ Clarke can feel her voice start to shake, but she has to go on.

‘So I felt worse for thinking that and of course, the FBI spotted it a mile off. Instead of refusing me, they thought they’d use this dark part of my past and put it to good use. I was recruited into a few classified missions and when they deemed me good enough, I was wanted for a very dangerous one in particular. Wells wanted in too, so both of us have been working this for our Headquarters in Virginia ever since’ she says, watching how Kane’s face changes after each sentence.

‘I’m sure you understand that I can’t tell you the details of this as it’s a classified mission, and if I were to do so, it would authorise me to be prosecuted’ she informs him and Kane nods, clearly just trying to absorb it all. ‘The gist of it is, we were ordered to hunt down a dangerous fugitive and it’s taken us eleven years. Technically, this guy does not exist - he’s a ghost. He’s wanted for every crime you can think of and he is almost impossible to catch. We worked on it for two years before he went off the radar for three, and my Headquarters arranged me to come work for you, Sir’ Clarke tells him, feeling her throat getting tired from talking. Kane has stayed silent, but Clarke can tell that he believes her.

‘Six years ago, Bellamy and I were taken captive’ she says and Kane’s eyes flicker as he tries to recollect the memory.

‘Yes - you were tortured.’

‘Right. The man that tortured me - I knew him’ she admits. Kane furrows his brow and takes a moment before he responds.

‘You never told us that.’

‘I couldn’t’ Clarke shrugs. ‘Not without telling you where I knew him from. He was a known associate of the man I hunted. I wasn’t sure if he was still working for him, but I knew something was wrong. I didn’t want it to be true and I didn’t want it to be a possibility that our target had resurfaced…’ she trails off.

‘But he had’ Kane finishes for her and Clarke can only nod. She takes a few moments to collect herself before she goes on.

‘Wells came to get me the following morning and that was it. I thought it would only be a few weeks and we’d have him, but there were unforeseen delays and problems and all of a sudden it's six years later and I’m running from Bellamy so that I can get this job done. I was always going to come back, but I had to finish this. I knew you’d all want to help if I included you in this and to be honest, Sir, I couldn’t put any of you in that kind of danger. Besides, it's classified - as I said. I couldn’t tell anyone when I left and I couldn’t take anything with me. I understand how it must have looked and I didn’t mean to waste the time and effort you all put into looking for me - I know you never gave up’ Clarke finishes. Kane lies back on his couch, scrubbing his face with his hand.

‘It was all Bellamy, really’ he tells her and Clarke’s heart bunches. ‘He was so determined to get you back for years. It hit him the hardest.’

‘Is that what you meant when you said I almost destroyed one of your best agents?’ Clarke’s voice is small when she says it, almost like she’s afraid to know the answer to that. Kane just sighs.

‘I’m not sure I’m the best person to be telling you about this, Clarke’ he sits forward. ‘But is there a reason you’re here now?’

‘Yes, Sir’ Clarke says, sitting straighter herself. She's put a pin in that though - she wants to know what the hell has gone on with Bellamy while she's been gone. ‘I’m finished my mission and our target is dead. I’m not signing up for any more classifieds and really, I just want to come home. To your task force if that’s any way possible.’ Clarke feels terrible for lying but she has to do this. She has to draw Cage out and let him find her here. If Kane wants to fire her after that, he can. She will have betrayed them and lied to them again - but she needs to do that to save them. If they can’t understand that, then so be it.

Kane is quiet for a long time and Clarke thinks he won’t let her back to work. It’s understandable - he’s not sure he can trust her again, let alone Bellamy or the team.

‘You’ll need to do some catch up courses and I’ll need a completed psych-eval before you set foot on the field’ he says and Clarke can’t help the smile coming onto her face. ‘Physical training exercises as well, Griffin. I mean it - no cutting corners’ he’s trying to hold back a smirk himself.

‘You got it, Sir’ she tells him. She doesn’t really _have_ to return to work, but she has to make Cage think that she isn’t expecting him - that she’s just carrying on with her usual life.

‘And one more thing’ he adds. ‘Tell that tech of yours to get out of our system. Monty is working on removing the block on your search as we speak.’

Clarke makes sure to remove her smile when she nods and gets up to make her way towards his door. Kane follows her out.

‘You want a ride to Headquarters to re-register? You can collect your credentials, a gun and your keys from Bellamy’ Kane says as he locks his door behind them.

Clarke stops in her tracks, swinging back around to look at her Director.

‘Keys from Bellamy?’

‘Yeah, he’s back in D.C as of this morning. You earned him a nice hospital visit over his shoulder and knee so he’s not impressed he had to stay in New York last night’ Kane tells her as he walks towards his SUV. Clarke feels sick that she’s hurt him that much and she’s glad he’s okay to travel home, but that’s not what’s on her mind.

‘I’m sorry about that, Sir, but what do you mean about keys?’

She almost runs into Kane as she traipses after him.

‘Yeah - he’s been paying the rent on your house since you left. Guess he wanted it to still be here for you if you came home’ he says as he hops in the drivers seat.

Clarke is stuck to the pavement. She can feel the tears prick the back of her eyes and she has to bite her lip to control her face. That is such a typical ‘Bellamy’ move that it makes her heart palpitate and break. He was so sure she’d come back and he’s still paying her rent now, so even though he thought she was dead - he still never gave up her home.

She was thinking that she’d just rent somewhere downtown until she got something sorted - but her comfortable home is here, just as she left it with all her belongings. All because of Bellamy.

‘Come on’ Kane says as he winds down the window. ‘I’m already late’ he teases. Clarke shakes herself and makes her way over to the other side, hopping in.

‘Sir, the team…’ she says as they pull out of the driveway.

‘I’ll handle the team’ Kane replies. ‘It’ll be fine.’

Clarke hopes that it will be, but she somehow doubts it very much - with one member at least.

 

-

 

Kane tells Clarke on the way that she isn’t cleared to come back properly for another week until she’s jumped through all the hoops for him that she needs to and Clarke is okay with that. Frankly, she’s just grateful to even be given another opportunity - for however long it will last.

When they pull up at Headquarters, Clarke is nauseous and she has severe anxiety in her chest.

_How is she gonna do this?_

She takes a last look at herself in Kane’s visor mirror. Her hair looks okay because it’s short and easy to manage. She just finger combs it a little and it looks fine. It’s just her face - it’s got a little dirt on it from her scuffle with Bellamy in the corridor of his hotel so she licks her thumb to wipe it clean. No amount of washing will erase the bruise on her temple from where Bellamy pushed her into the wall though, but she can’t be too resentful. She did more damage to him.

Her black leather jacket still sits on her shoulders and her moss green t-shirt still looks alright with her grey jeans. Her converse are no longer white but all in all, she doesn’t look too bad.

It’s the first time the rest of her team will see her in six years and to be honest, it doesn’t matter what she looks like because it won’t change how they’ll react with her. She’s expecting them to be just as angry as Bellamy is.

Clarke’s heart is racing by the time the elevator door opens and she walks out onto Area 12. Nothing looks different - the entire floor looks the same and it’s like those six years didn’t exist, like Clarke was just here yesterday for her briefing on the Tsing case.

She spots Raven first who is leaning over Monty at his computer, pointing at the screen. Murphy is by the coffee machine, stirring his cup and looking wrecked tired. They must have flew in this morning too. Other than the fact that they all look slightly older, none of them really seem any different. She didn’t get a good look at Raven or Murphy last night in New York, so she's happy to see them properly now.

‘Deep breaths’ Kane reminds her because apparently Clarke has stopped breathing evenly somewhere along the way. She takes more oxygen into her lungs and continues walking further onto their floor. The other agents who also work here are busy holding their paperwork and discussing cases and no-one really notices her.

That is until Raven glances up. She briefly returns her attention to the computer in front of her, still listening to Monty explain something until she realises what her eyes have just seen and then she pulls her stare back to Clarke, straightening herself slowly. When Monty realises that Raven has been distracted, he follows her eyes and sees Clarke as well before standing up from his desk.

Clarke stops when she’s just below the step that lifts her up to the level where their desks are, not really sure what to do.

_What does she even say?_

Murphy joins their look of awe, putting down his coffee cup and taking a few steps towards her. The air is gnawing at Clarke’s skin, as if it’s sensitive to their stares.

Emori, who Clarke hadn’t noticed herself until now, has stood up from her desk too with some paperwork still in her hand.

‘Clarke?’ She says with disbelief. It feels like the whole floor is completely quiet but it’s not because the agents behind Clarke, who she doesn’t work closely with, are still going about their business.

‘What are you doing here?’ Raven says and her tone of voice isn’t friendly. Kane is stood behind Clarke, hands in his pockets as he waits for the shock to absorb before he starts to speak. He doesn’t get a chance to because the ding of the elevator behind Clarke makes them look around and she watches Bellamy emerge, head down as he types on his phone. He’s wearing a black shirt with his dark suit pants and a go-bag over his shoulder. He’s favouring one leg a little but not as much as last night, which Clarke is glad about. His hair is a little curlier today but it’s still straighter than Clarke remembers. It’s not the only thing she notices, though. He has a nice bruise forming on his cheek where she met him with her elbow last night and he looks like he hasn’t slept in a few days.

‘ _That makes two of us_ ’ Clarke thinks to herself.

Clarke’s heart thumps faster as she looks over her shoulder at him and she feels like a cold sweat has taken over her body. When he looks up, seeing Clarke standing in their old Headquarters with the team stops him in his tracks.

Clarke picks at a loose thread on her top, feeling like all the blood is leaving her extremities to pound the drums in her ears. It feels like an eternity has passed. Just yesterday, she was in a full on brawl with him, twice, and now she stands in his work place. Her eyes must show how much she’s trying to convey her apology, even though it will never be enough. Bellamy’s, however, changes from astonishment to disbelief to murderous in a matter of seconds.

He drops his phone and bag, pounding towards her with such ferocity that Kane has to brace himself to catch him before he gets to Clarke. Kane uses all his strength to grip Bellamy around his waist and even at that, Bellamy is still almost diving out over his shoulder.

‘You have the fucking audacity to show up here?’ Bellamy says to her through gritted teeth and Clarke can’t bare the look on his face. Raven and the others have taken a few steps closer, watching the altercation unfold. ‘Why the hell isn’t she in handcuffs?’ Bellamy yells.

‘Agent Blake, control yourself’ Kane orders but Bellamy still struggles to get to Clarke.

‘I told you not to come back’ Bellamy shouts, ignoring Kane while Clarke wills herself to hold it together. The whole floor has gone quiet now. Kane pushes Bellamy backwards and he goes to come back for Clarke again before Kane gets up in his face, gripping the shoulders of Bellamy’s shirt in his fist.

‘Stand down. That is an order!’ Kane says firmly. Bellamy pulls Kane’s fists off him and runs a hand through his hair, trying to compose himself as he glances at Kane. He can’t keep his eyes off Clarke for long though. ‘Agent Griffin will be resuming her work with this task force’ Kane announces and Clarke watches Bellamy’s face drop, switching his stare from Clarke to Kane. ‘That’s it. We have spoken and I am satisfied with her reason for leaving in the first place. It’s classified and on a need to know basis - and none of you need to know.’

‘I need to know’ Bellamy snaps. ‘She’s good at lying, don’t tell me you bought that crap, Sir.’

‘Actually, it’s true’ Monty’s voice comes from behind Clarke and she turns around to see him standing beside Raven. ‘Her search just cleared. It says ‘classified’ under her job description.’

‘That’s not good enough’ Bellamy responds.

‘Well it needs to be’ Kane tells him and Clarke turns back to face them. ‘I know you’re all confused, hurt, the trust is gone - I’m sure I’ll hear all the excuses but you know what, I don’t care. This is not a social club, we’re here to do a job. Get on with it’ Kane finishes, looking at all the team but lingering his stare on Bellamy. Clarke watches Kane walk by her towards his own office which is a flight of stairs up, but Bellamy shouts after him.

‘With all due respect, Sir, you can’t be serious.’

Clarke closes her eyes and drops her head, her back to Bellamy now as he goes on to lecture their Director.

‘She up and leaves for six years with no explanation and all of us believe her to be dead. Then she suspiciously shows up in New York - running from the law, attacking me, breaking into my hotel room, shooting me?’ Bellamy scoffs because it sounds mental saying it out loud. ‘If she had nothing to hide, she would have let me bring her in for questioning. Telling me off the record that she’s on some classified mission - _bullshit_! And now she just shows up here for work today like nothing has ever happened? Sir, you cannot expect us to work with her!’

It’s all true and it sounds awful - even though Clarke knows she needed to do everything she did, she still hates herself for it. The tension between all of them is making her uneasy and when she opens her eyes, Raven and the others are switching their looks between Bellamy, Clarke and Kane. Bellamy’s voice hangs in the air and Kane has stopped, now facing them all with a look of irritation on his face.

‘Agent Blake - maybe I wasn’t clear. I do expect you to work with her and you will do what I say, or I will have your badge for insubordination. I am not in the habit of repeating myself but I’ll say it again. She was on a classified mission that none of you are cleared to know about. Get on with your work, Agent. Stop taking this so personally’ Kane says with authority.

‘Sorry, Sir, but all of this feels pretty personal to me - I work my ass off for this team and you just let _her_ back in after what she did to me?’ Bellamy responds, shaking his head in disgust before turning on his heel and walking back towards the elevator. He picks up his bag and phone on the way, his form tense. Clarke can’t help but think that ‘what she did to me’ didn’t mean the events in New York.

'Where do you think you are going?’ Kane calls after him.

‘Oh, I’m taking the day, Sir’ Bellamy walks backwards as he answers Kane. ‘Apparently that’s what we can do now. We can take a day, a few weeks, six years and just have our job waiting for us when we get back.’

Clarke feels lightheaded by the time Bellamy has reached the elevator. Waiting for the doors to close, Bellamy gives Clarke a lingering, callous look until he disappears from sight.

Clarke takes a breath and it feels like the first one she’s taken since the team noticed her return. She expected a reaction like this, but it doesn’t stop the hurt worming a hole inside her heart.

When she looks back to the team, Kane has already ascended the stairs to his office and judging by his frown, he’s furious that Bellamy has carried on like he has. Raven meets Clarke’s eyes for a moment before she shakes her head and turns away, walking to her desk. Clearly, she wants nothing to do with Clarke’s return. Emori also sits back down, not looking pissed off but definitely looking upset. She doesn’t attempt to look at Clarke.

Murphy and Monty approach her though, pulling Clarke into a tight hug in turn.

‘They just need some time’ Monty tells her and Murphy gives her a small, comforting smile because Clarke must look like her whole world is ending.

‘It's good to see you’ Murphy says. ‘You back to work today?’

‘No, have to do the circus for Kane before he’ll let me anywhere near the field. Be at least a week’ Clarke shrugs.

‘Okay, well you should come to Arkadia on Thursday night’ he suggests, reminding her of the old bar they used to all drink in every Thursday that they were off. When he sees the uncertainty in Clarke’s face, he continues. ‘It’ll give everyone time to cool off and come to terms with this. I’m sure it’ll be a better reception than today.’

‘With the girls, maybe. But you can’t believe that about Bellamy.’

Murphy and Monty both exchange a look and the silence that follows isn’t reassuring. Clarke exhales a deep breath and forces a smile, because at least the two of them forgive her and accept the fact that she had to leave when she did.

Maybe it’s best if she doesn’t fix things with Bellamy - she’ll only have to lie to him again about Cage being dead - but she wants to. She wants him to look at her like he used to. She knows he’s with someone else now but Clarke would settle with loving him in secret while being his friend again. Anything is better than this.

Clarke follows Kane up to his office after catching up with Murphy and Monty and tries to ignore the vicious stare that she earns from Raven on the way up. She sorts out whatever she needs to from Kane and then makes herself muster up the courage to find Bellamy and get her keys from him.

It’s something she never thought she’d think, but she’d rather do anything else right now than face Bellamy again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It feels like the pain never ends but I promise, there's light on the horizon.  
> Bellamy’s chapter is next so you’ll get a more in depth view into his emotions.  
> Please leave your comments like always, I adore reading them and hearing your feedback.  
>   
> And also, share if you're enjoying the fic please, it would mean the world to me: [here's the link.](http://eyessharpweaponshot.tumblr.com/post/183838375314/lose-you-too-bellarke-fbicriminal-mindsthe)


	12. That's What I Get for Loving You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to Bellamy's POV (every 4th chapter).  
> Enjoy!  
> Chapter title is from the song 'Code Blue' by The Dream.

Bellamy’s hands are numb from beating the bag, his knuckles almost bruised at this point from the force he’s boxing it at. His shoulder is starting to ache where Clarke shot him and his knee can barely hold him up at this stage, but his mind won’t let him quit. Besides, the pain is a distraction from the stinging in his chest.

Never in a million years did he expect to see Clarke standing in Headquarters this morning, but then again, it’s not the first time that she’s surprised him.

It amazed him how easy she was to talk to the night of Kane’s 40th birthday, sitting on the swing and discussing his past. She took his breath away with how she looked at the fundraiser in New York, and then again when she stripped in front of him that night in his hotel room. She continually shocked him on the job - diverting attention away from him when McCreary was torturing him all those years ago, knowing Bellamy couldn’t take much more. Not to mention that time she tore Dax off of him or all of the other cases where she put her own life on the line for the task force - _for Bellamy_.

‘ _And you couldn’t give her the benefit of the doubt with this_ ’ a voice inside scolds him.

Bellamy shakes himself, hitting the bag in front of him harder. The FBI training grounds at their Headquarters is empty and freezing this morning but Bellamy welcomes it. Anything to quench the burning rage inside of him.

Clarke hated people hurting Bellamy when they were in the field, yet she’s the one who hurt him most of all.

He grunts as he hits the bag again.

_He’s just so fucking angry._

There’s a little part of Bellamy that wants to believe Clarke is telling the truth, but it’s the feeling of betrayal that he can’t seem to shake. Everything inside him is saying to just walk away from this because he’s supposed to have moved on - but he can’t. He wasted so much time looking for her when clearly she didn’t want to be found. He hits the bag in front of him with such force that it almost comes off the racking.

_Fuck._

He groans out loud with frustration because he can’t contain it.

Yesterday, when he seen Clarke in New York, he could feel his heart lift in his chest. For those first few moments, when he wasn’t thinking about what she was doing there, he was just so happy to have found her. Then she tried to fight Bellamy in order to get away and reality came crashing down around him. He was so disgusted with her and the sting of her betrayal went deep. Then to show up in his hotel and fucking shoot him - he has no idea who that girl upstairs is because the one Bellamy knew would rather die than do that.

The sweat drips from Bellamy’s face, despite the cold, and his grey FBI hoodie is soaked on his back. He’s changed into his black sweat pants and trainers because he needed to work this off. Even if it just took the edge off a little, it would be an improvement at this point.

Bellamy is re-adjusting the straps on his hands when he hears someone approach, and he has no doubt in his mind that it’s Clarke. She stops a few feet from him but Bellamy stays silent - half because he thinks that she should speak first when she’s come out here looking for him and half because he just doesn’t know what to say to her right now. Maybe he’s afraid that if he starts, he’ll end up regretting what he’s gonna say.

‘Monty said you hadn’t swiped out, so he figured you’d be here’ Clarke’s voice cracks through the bitter air but Bellamy doesn’t look at her, he just stays focusing on strapping his hands. ‘He said you’re here a lot’ she adds, maybe hoping it will start some kind of conversation.

‘What do you want, Clarke?’ He settles on, exhaling harshly before continuing punching the bag, slower now.

‘How long do you think you’ll get by without speaking to me properly, Bellamy?’ She asks and he lands the bag with another hard punch.

‘As long as I can get away with’ he replies, turning to face her slightly. Clarke’s blonde hair is bright against the morning sun and she’s standing in her black leather jacket zipped up to the top. He wishes she didn’t look so goddamn beautiful - it’s distracting. Her arms are folded and she’s leaning on one leg, slightly squinting at him with a pissed off look on her face.

_She can fucking wipe that._

He’s the one with every reason to be angry here, not her.

‘I have nothing to say to you’ he continues when she doesn’t respond. ‘We have no case to discuss yet and we certainly have no kind of relationship that permits me to talk to you otherwise. Just because Kane says we have to work together, doesn’t mean everything is okay’ he turns his attention back to the boxing bag, hitting it again before stopping and turning back to Clarke. ‘What do I call you now, anyway? Griffin or Jaha?’

‘Bellamy, I was doing a job. I’m not going to keep talking about this, I did what I had to do. I’m sorry but I…’

‘You’re sorry?’ Bellamy interrupts her, holding his hand up as his boxing bag swings behind him. ‘You need a fucking reality check, Princess. You have no idea what I’ve been through, what it was like for me when you left’ he tells her sharply.

She doesn’t - Clarke doesn’t know how much he suffered with panic attacks over the past few years and how he had to call Raven to come and help him with each one. She has no idea that Octavia spent time away from Lincoln and her baby to come and stay with Bellamy when he had to take vacation days from work because he couldn’t bare to be alone with his thoughts of Clarke. She doesn’t understand how he exhausted every resource possible to try and find her, that he took over a year off work, that Raven had to drive him around to get him to sleep for that year, that Murphy had to pull bottles of tequila away from him far too many times - and that all of that happened because Clarke let him believe she was missing or dead.

She fucked with his head completely.

‘We spent years, YEARS’ Bellamy loses control and he sees Clarke jump at his raised voice. He pinches the bridge of his nose to try and contain his anger. He takes a breath before he tries again. ‘We spent years exercising all our resources, man power and back-pocket deals to try and find you. I kept the search alive long after everyone else had given up’ he tells her, watching her eyes grow soft and he knows the emotion on her face too well - guilt.

He's been feeling it ever since she left.

‘Kept your house for you too’ he says, fishing into his sweatpants pocket and removing his keys from it. ‘For a long time, I thought I’d find you - so I kept renting it for you in case you’d come home’ he tells her as he unwinds her key from his own set. ‘If I had have known you just left of your own accord, I wouldn’t have wasted my money’ he tosses the key at her which she catches, barely able to look at him. ‘Or my time’ he adds.

There’s a break filled with silence before Bellamy speaks again.

‘Did you know I was detained for a few days because I was the last person there with you before you disappeared?’ He asks but he doesn’t expect an answer because how could she know that? ‘In my spare time after that, I did surveillance on your house myself in futile hope that someone would turn up there. I drove around Washington in case you turned up on the streets. After a few years, I led a team with dogs around the woods in the city, along the riverbanks, parks, abandoned warehouses - everywhere I thought someone would hide a body’ he lectures her and even though Clarke is trying hard to keep her face stoic, Bellamy knows by her that she’s trying not to cry.

‘So you can imagine my surprise when I was working a random case in New York six years from your disappearance and the suspect I’m chasing through a shipment vessel turns out to be you, on the run with some guy you’re supposedly on a classified mission with’ Bellamy’s eyes are direct and unforgiving. ‘And now, what? You show up here saying you’re ready to come back to work, think you’re gonna say ‘sorry’ and you and me are gonna go back playing house again?’ He gives a snort of derision, shaking his head.

Clarke stands in front of him completely speechless. Bellamy let’s her absorb that and he goes back to punching his bag. He’s never been so angry in all his life and to be honest, some of it was probably uncalled for but he needed to vent.

‘Wow, Bellamy’ Clarke says eventually and he stops, turning to look at her because her tone of voice tells him she’s livid. ‘I mean, wow. You’ve really got it all figured out, don’t you?’ She’s half smirking but Bellamy knows it’s not out of humour.

She’s pissed.

‘Poor you, huh?’ She says. ‘Going through all of that while I was obviously on a beach somewhere plotting the next 9/11 with Wells.’ Bellamy looks down at the ground, because yeah, he’s regretting his outburst now and maybe he needs her to pull him.

Clarke has let him say whatever he’s wanted to her since he found her yesterday and he’s probably crossed more than a few lines.

‘All that time and effort you put into finding me, very impressive’ she says sarcastically. ‘You worked tirelessly and you still found someone to warm your bed at night. Did you ever take a break?’

Bellamy snaps his head up and the colour is draining from his face by the second.

_How does she know about Echo?_

‘Woah’ he holds his hand up, because Clarke is venturing into territory here that has nothing to do with this.

Her face changes to false shock.

‘What? You’re allowed dick out comments about my ‘love life’ but I can’t say anything about yours?’ She gestures with her hands. And really, she has him there. He’s made more than his fair share of personal comments about this Wells guy. Clarke scoffs. ‘Don’t you dare think for one second that I had this easy. If you knew me at all, you should have fucking trusted me in New York because you should have known I wouldn’t just up and leave for no reason. You complicated my case more than you know and you nearly got every one of our team killed in the process’ she shouts.

‘I’m sorry I had to leave for a mission and not tell anyone about it. I am, Bellamy. But it was out of my control, it’s classified! That means I cannot utter a word about the case to anyone or else I face prosecution. I’m explaining it because clearly you’re having issues understanding it.’

Bellamy tongues the inside of his lip as he watches Clarke lay into him, her face murderous.

‘And for the record, you can call me Agent Griffin. How’s that for a reality check?’ She finishes, leaving Bellamy watching after her as she storms back into Headquarters.

Bellamy throws his head back, taking a deep breath before lashing out at the boxing bag in front of him. He hits it as hard as he can three times before it flies off it’s hook, landing with a bang a few feet away from him. He looks up to the sky, breathing heavily after his outburst and he tries to restore some calm to his body. When he looks back down, Bellamy notices that his good hand is swollen and he’s popped some skin at the knuckle, causing blood to stain the straps around his hand.

If he wasn’t angry enough before, he definitely is now. Except this time, it’s at himself.

He’s using his hurt as an excuse to be mad with Clarke and it’s stopping him believing the truth. Monty confirmed it - she was on a mission. There should be no more questions asked and she’s back now, so that mission is obviously finished.

There needs to be a line drawn and they need to move on, especially if they are going to be working together again.

He’s raging with himself - he doesn’t know how, but apparently by running the search so he could find out the truth, he almost got them all killed. He put them in danger because he was hurting and felt betrayed - how could he be so selfish?

Bellamy knows Clarke is telling the truth deep down. Bellamy wishes she was lying though, he doesn’t want to forgive her. It’s just easier to hate her the other way - the way where he thought she left him to go rogue, or worse - that Clarke was always that way and she just infiltrated his team to gain information.

It pisses him off to think that she was with this Wells guy when he was almost dying without her back home, but maybe she only got with him in the last little while. Still, he moved on because he thought Clarke was dead - she moved on knowing he was still alive.

_Did he mean anything to her?_

He fucking loved her, but clearly it was just some crush for her. Still - their personal life may be over before it began, but he still needs to work with her and get passed all this.

Besides, he has Echo now and she has Wells. Maybe it’s for the best.

Yet Bellamy can’t stop thinking of the fact that they mightn’t even be in this job now if things had worked out for them - they could be together in a safer profession.

Back then, everything seemed so clear. They could have been something great.

It’s a long way from what they are now, anyway.

 

-

 

The muscle fit t-shirt Bellamy is wearing has gone a little small for him, but it accentuates his arms and chest and maybe it’s a little vain of him, but he thinks he doesn’t look half bad in it. His jeans are scuffed a little at the knee and he needs to buy a new pair of white converse because the ones he has on are a little dirty - but he looks alright. Bellamy likes dressing this casual. He’s either always in work shirts and suit pants or else his gym attire so it’s a nice change of pace.

They haven’t had a Thursday night together in ages and as he sits on a stool in Arkadia waiting for Murphy to hurry up and take his shot in pool, Bellamy feels somewhat content. Echo has gone to the bathroom with Emori and Raven is at the bar buying another round of drinks. The jukebox is playing some good music and Arkadia isn’t as busy as it normally is.

What’s adding to his good mood is that Bellamy no longer has that empty hole in his chest - the one that constantly reminded him that Clarke was gone. She’s back though, and even though the whole thing is still painful for him, she’s safe and at least he can take solace in that. He hasn’t seen her in a few days though, she’s been training and jumping through hoops for Kane before she can come back to work - which is fair.

To be honest, it’s probably best he hasn’t seen her. The way they left things wasn’t exactly ideal. She slipped a cheque through his letterbox yesterday though when he wasn't home - reimbursing him for almost six years of rent. She must have gotten nicely paid for her little mission, but he doesn't want the money back.

Monty is running late and Bellamy is checking his watch when Raven brings him another bottle of beer.

‘Thanks’ he says. ‘Any word from Monty?’ Raven shakes her head as she takes a sip from her own bottle.

‘He said he had to do something first. Shouldn’t be much longer’ Raven says, her voice louder than normal over the music.

Murphy groans when he misses the shot and Bellamy smirks, knowing he has him.

‘Losing your skill, John’ he teases and Murphy rolls his eyes.

‘Yeah, enjoy it while it lasts, Blake.’ Bellamy pots his ball and he winks patronisingly to Murphy before sitting back down beside Raven.

‘How are you doing?’ She asks him as they watch Murphy try to find the perfect angle. Bellamy shrugs.

‘Been better, but been worse too’ he admits.

‘Any panic attacks?’ Raven doesn’t look at him when she says it because they never really talk about it. He hasn’t had one in about a year.

‘No’ Bellamy answers. ‘Not worrying about her anymore. She’s home.’

Just then, Monty comes through the door and Bellamy smiles at him, but his smile quickly fades when he realises that Monty isn’t alone. Clarke is behind him, wearing a tight, black top tucked into a pair of blue denim jeans along with some black converse. She’s dressed casual, as all their Thursday nights are, but since when is she invited back to these?

_Come on, Bellamy. Don’t be petty._

Her hair is straight, which makes her short haircut look a little longer and she has makeup on which only highlights her beauty. He hates that she looks this good and he hates that his heart beats faster by just looking at her.

‘Who invited the fugitive?’ Raven makes her first smart comment of the night but Murphy pulls her immediately.

‘I did’ he straightens himself after taking his shot. ‘Got a problem with that, Reyes?’ Raven doesn’t answer but instead, she rolls her eyes. Bellamy knows she’s just feeling defensive of Bellamy because she seen what Clarke leaving did to him. He can’t blame her for that but she needs to put this behind her too, like Bellamy is trying to do.

Clarke orders herself and Monty a drink, ignoring Raven because she’s able for her and always was. Raven can be a little rough around the edges at times and thankfully, Clarke knows this.

Bellamy is up for his shot and he tries hard not to look at Clarke when he’s passing the bar. When he gets to the pool table, he can see her out of the corner of his eye, glancing at him. He takes his shot and pots it again, pulling a groan of annoyance out of Murphy.

When Bellamy is seated back on his stool, a set of arms come around the back of his neck and he knows it’s Echo.

‘Hey’ she whispers, planting a kiss on his neck before pulling up a stool beside him. Bellamy instantly looks at Clarke because maybe secretly, he wants her to care.

Judging by the look on her face, she does.

They join them in their circle around the pool table and Monty pulls out a stool for Clarke, clearly trying hard to make sure she’s included. This whole thing feels awkward though. Emori comes back from the bathroom a minute later and when she sees Clarke, she beckons for her to come off to the side with her for a minute. Bellamy can’t tell what’s being said, but he knows Emori is making things right with her.

‘You okay?’ He hears Echo say and it’s only then that Bellamy realises he’s being staring at Clarke. When he looks back to his girlfriend, she’s also looking at her.

‘Fine’ Bellamy replies, pretending to be unfazed. This is unfair to Echo - he’s with her for the past six months and he’s a loyal person, so he shouldn’t be looking at Clarke like this.

Everything has changed though - a few days ago, Clarke was supposed to be dead.

_How can he try fall in love with someone else when the one he’s desperately in love with is only a few feet away from him?_

Despite everything - all the anger and betrayal and conflict - he’s still in love with Clarke. Always has been and always will be. But he’s made a commitment to Echo, and he has to try make this work. Besides, even if he was single, it serves nothing to try and go back to Clarke now. There's too much water under the bridge and he needs to let some of it drain and mend their friendship before anything else.

The night passes by smoothly after that. Bellamy and Clarke haven’t spoken but that’s okay - they can be civil and be in the same room as one another, and maybe one day they can work their way up to friends again.

Clarke is currently in deep conversation with Murphy and Emori, probably talking about their wedding that she missed three years ago.

Echo and Monty are talking about some TV show and Bellamy is half listening, but his attention is pulled when he sees Raven head towards the bathroom and Clarke excuses herself from her conversation to follow her.

Bellamy tries not to make it look obvious but he gets up too, rubbing his nose with his thumb out of nervous habit as he makes his way towards the bathrooms because he knows Raven - she won’t make it easy for Clarke.

He pauses before he turns the corner because he can hear them in mid-conversation.

‘It’s not about you and me, Clarke’ Raven is saying. ‘I just know I won’t be able to keep Bellamy afloat if you leave again.’

‘I’m so sick of everyone dancing around this - what the hell happened when I left?’

‘I’m not dancing around it, I’ll fucking tell you because you should know’ Raven snaps. ‘Bellamy left work for over a year to just focus on finding you, he had panic attacks, he never slept unless I drove him around all night, he worked out to keep himself busy but that was after he lost so much weight and I thought he was gonna have to be hospitalised because he was in such a state. He also drank himself stupid and when he finally did come back to work, he was careless on the field - still is! All because of you.’

‘Raven, that’s enough’ Bellamy steps around the corner because he understands that Raven is angry but this is unfair. Clarke had been standing in the narrow hallway between the bathrooms, staring wide eyed at Raven but now her attention is on him. He can see the tears brimming the surface of her eye line.

‘Can I have a minute?’ Bellamy asks Clarke. She doesn’t realise he’s talking to her for a moment but then she nods. Her face is purely defeated.

Raven leaves them, but not before Bellamy notices the look of guilt on her face. She must realise how much that hurt Clarke and Raven is a lot of things, but she’s not cruel - at least not on purpose.

‘You doing alright?’ Bellamy asks Clarke when they’re alone in the hallway.

‘Fine’ she replies, but her voice is small and he sighs.

‘Clarke, I’m sorry. About everything - about Raven too. And you didn't have to give me money for your rent, I wanted to do that.' At this, Clarke looks up at him. Her blue eyes are pure and beautiful and they’re glazed over with tears. She takes a breath, though, as if trying to pull herself together.

‘You don’t have to be sorry - I’m the one who should be sorry. I didn’t mean to put you through all of that’ she tells him. Bellamy shuffles on his feet a little because this moment is uncomfortable for him. He just wants to click his fingers and have their friendship back to what it used to be, but he knows it will take work. The bar music is distant and low, filling the silence between them. It lasts a few moments longer before Bellamy speaks again.

‘I was so angry at you for leaving’ he says, listening to his voice breaking a little in the middle. ‘I don’t want to feel that way anymore.’

Clarke’s eyes dip in sadness and before Bellamy knows what's happening, Clarke has wrapped her arms around the back of his neck and pulled him in for a hug. He inhales the scent of her and it makes him nostalgic for those intimate moments they shared together six years ago. He can feel his heart break further in his chest. Bellamy nuzzles his nose into the crook of her neck and wills himself not to cry. The moment is so emotional that he forgets all the reasons he was angry at her. She’s here in his arms right now and that’s something he never thought would happen again. This is all that really matters.

When they pull back, Clarke wipes her cheek with the back of her hand subtly but Bellamy doesn’t miss it. She tucks her blonde hair behind her ear on one side and pulls at the sleeve of her top. It's only then she notices Bellamy's hand that he's split open from boxing the other day. She takes it in hers, running her soft fingers over his broken skin as if to examine it, tutting as she does so. Bellamy watches her do it, trying to control his breathing and not pay attention to the way his skin electrifies at her touch. She stops her fingers over his knuckle, studying it for a minute.

‘Bellamy’ she says but pauses afterwards, as if battling with something inside herself. ‘I don’t want you to go through all of that again.’

Bellamy furrows his brow. _Where is she going with this?_

‘Just…’ she stutters. ‘If anything happens to me…’

‘Nothing is happening to you’ Bellamy cuts her off as he loses it a little, telling her that with full certainty and a little shake in his voice because _fuck_ , nothing _can_ happen to her again.

She doesn’t have to worry on the field. Even if he was still fuming with her, he would still protect her. What else could happen other than that?

‘Your mission is over, right?’ He makes sure.

Clarke is just about to answer him when Echo comes around the corner, interrupting them. Clarke lets go of Bellamy's hand immediately.

‘There you are’ she smiles at Bellamy before giving him a kiss. Echo then glances at Clarke and back to Bellamy, furrowing her brow. ‘Everything okay?’

Echo realises by the tension that she’s disrupted something between the two of them.

‘Yeah’ Clarke answers for Bellamy. ‘I was just saying goodbye, I’m heading home.’

Bellamy can’t be sure, but he has a feeling it’s because of Echo. He doesn’t think Clarke still has feelings for him, especially since she’s with Wells, but he watched her look away when Echo kissed him.

‘Clarke’ he calls after her as she walks back towards the bar, his face serious because he doesn’t want her to be upset. She doesn’t turn back when she answers him.

‘I’ll see you in work, Blake.’ With that, Clarke is gone around the corner. When Bellamy looks at Echo, he can tell by her face that she’s thinking something that she won’t say and to be honest, he doesn't want to ask. He smiles at her but he’s sure it looks a little false.

‘Another drink?’ Bellamy asks her and she gives him a tight lipped smile back.

‘Sure.’

When they get back out to the bar, Clarke is gone. The rest of the night plays out and they head home late but when Bellamy collapses into his bed, he turns his back on Echo and pretends to fall straight asleep.

He feels bad for it, but he just can’t shake the heaviness in his chest as he thinks of Clarke and how delicate her face was when she spoke to him in the bathroom hallway.

More than that, he can’t shake the feeling that there’s something she’s not telling him - and that scares him most of all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the continued support with this fic. I love hearing your suggestions and thoughts and I take them all on board. So please leave me a comment below :)  
>   
> If you want to find me on Tumblr or share the story: [here's the link.](http://eyessharpweaponshot.tumblr.com/post/183838375314/lose-you-too-bellarke-fbicriminal-mindsthe)


	13. Bad Boys Bring Heaven to You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is from the song 'Heaven' by Julia Michaels.  
> I hope you love this chapter and thank you for all the positive feedback I've been getting. It's so inspirational and it truly means so much to me.  
> When I started this story, I didn't think much people would be interested and it still shocks me to see the great responses from so many people.  
> Thank you all so much.  
> Enjoy x

The poetry book in Clarke’s lap is old and worn but it’s one of her most valuable possessions. It belonged to her father. She’s dog-eared a few of his favourite poems but she’s currently going over one of Robert Frost’s. She’s trying to keep herself occupied because otherwise, she’s going to fall asleep.

Kane said it’s alright to come back to work tomorrow and she’s excited to dive back into cases, but she’s exhausted. Clarke has spent the past week training and doing catch-up courses, learning about new protocols and reviewing updates on how paperwork should be done. Monty had to peel her away from her house on Thursday night to go out with them because really, she wanted to stay home - where Cage could find her.

She isn’t sure if Cage has used ALIE yet, but if he has, he’s coming for her - there’s no doubt about that. Clarke isn’t going to make it hard for him so whenever she can be home, she will be - and she needs to be ready.

Clarke’s place is just as she left it and it’s obvious Bellamy has been in cleaning it once a week. There’s no dust on any of the furniture and what Clarke finds curious is that her bed wasn’t made - Bellamy had left it as it was the day they both emerged from it. She wonders if it was a conscious decision on his part.

Clarke has made a few adjustments though.

On each of the windows, she’s perched every one of her drinking glasses on the inside sills. Also, she’s put small shot glasses that Raven bought her one Christmas on the horizontal window handles. By the back and front door, she’s shoved over side tables that sit just at the door opening with a vase near the edge on each. If Cage or his men want to come in, Clarke will hear glass breaking no matter where they choose to enter.

This brings her to her current position - on a chair in her hallway, facing the front door and her back to the wall before her kitchen. Her gun is in one hand and her poetry book is in the other. She hasn’t slept properly in over a week, only barely dozing every few hours. Once she realises she’s falling asleep, her body jolts her back awake because she needs to be waiting for him.

Her hallway is in a dulled darkness and it’s just broaching on midnight when she checks her watch, so Clarke knows she’s in for another long night.

Her blue denim jeans, the same ones she wore out on Thursday night, are clean and comfortable and she figures she’ll just wear them to work tomorrow. She’s not sure if they’re going on a proper case or if they’re just prepping for one, so she has extra clothes packed in a go-bag at the bottom of the stairs, just in case.

Her white, crisp shirt smells of her fabric softener and it’s already getting hard not to be lulled to sleep.

Clarke is reading the poem with her only light being from the moon, creeping in through the hall windows - but she’s not even concentrating on the words. As usual, Bellamy is on her mind. She’s thinking of Thursday night and how good he looked - the way his dark hair curled around his forehead and how he filled out his t-shirt so well with his muscular body. He was the epitome of perfection.

Clarke crosses her legs, hoping to stop the burning desire that’s building between her thighs right now.

The last time she’s had sex was six years ago, so to say she’s desperate right now is a little bit of an understatement. She doesn’t want just anybody though, she wants _him_.

There’s only two things stopping her slipping her hand between herself to take the edge off - the fact that Cage or his men could burst in at any second and really, Clarke sitting in her hallway with her jeans pulled down and mid-orgasm is not how she wants them to find her, that and every time she tries to get herself off, she can’t quite reach the high because the image of Bellamy fucking his new girlfriend jumps to her mind.

He’s done well for himself, Clarke has to admit. Echo is beautiful - she’s so tall and slim that Clarke wonders if she’s a model. Her long, dark hair falls down her back in the most perfect way and her features are so striking that it’s no wonder she caught Bellamy’s attention. She’s the complete opposite to Clarke and maybe that’s what irks her more.

Clarke had to leave Arkadia on Thursday night because she just couldn’t bare to watch them together anymore. If she hadn’t have left six years ago, that could have been her on Bellamy's arm. Still, despite her reservations, Clarke is glad she went out. She ended up mending things with Emori and catching up on what she’s missed with the team. She even ended up having a moment with Bellamy and to hug him again was something that made her break down. She never wanted to let him go.

The way he told her that nothing would happen to her, it was like he couldn’t even let himself believe that anything would - not again. It was such a tender moment and the way Bellamy looked at her was the way he looked at her in her bathroom six years ago - it was like nothing had changed.

Then Echo interrupted them and it was a very real reminder that everything is different now. He had asked Clarke if her mission was over and she didn’t get a chance to answer - maybe that’s for the best because she doesn’t really want to lie straight to his face.

‘ _It doesn’t matter_ ’ she tells herself. ‘ _He’s gonna hate you for this anyway_.’

Clarke stood in the training grounds of their Headquarters and lectured Bellamy about trusting her, but really _she_ doesn’t tell him anything that’s happening with her. It’s not that she doesn’t trust him, she supposes, she just wants to protect him.

_But what are the chances of Bellamy seeing it that way when he finds out?_

Clarke scoffs out loud in her quiet hallway.

Slim to none.

 

-

 

Clarke must have dozed off at some point because the noise of her doorbell startles her awake. It’s bright out when she opens her eyes and she curses herself for falling asleep. Still, she would have heard if anyone tried to break in.

Pulling back the table from the door, she aligns it against the wall so it doesn’t look obvious to whoever is standing out there. She slots her gun into her jeans and then looks through the peephole to find Bellamy Blake standing on her front step with his hands in his jacket pockets.

‘Hey?’ Clarke says as she opens the door, confused.

‘Ready to go?’ He smiles which baffles her further. ‘To work’ he adds when he sees her face. ‘Thought I’d come and get you. You are back today, yeah?’

‘Yeah’ Clarke finds her words. ‘I was just gonna grab a lift with Monty at ten though.’

Bellamy gives her a confused smirk with a wrinkle between his eyebrow, pulling his jacket with his hands still in his pockets to gesture towards his SUV in her driveway.

‘Okay, but I’m here _now_ , so…’

‘Right’ Clarke shakes herself, wondering what the hell she’s questioning.

_Jesus, she’s tired._

She turns to grab her go-bag from the end of the stairs along with her coat and scarf and it’s only when she comes back to the door that she realises Bellamy can probably see her watch-chair in the hallway with her poetry book on it. If he noticed, he doesn’t say anything but he wears a furrow in his brow when she looks at him.

Once inside the SUV, Clarke spots that there’s two takeaway coffees steaming in his cupholder and it’s so quintessentially Bellamy that she smiles.

‘This for me?’

‘Course. Assuming you still like it black, right?’ He says as he puts on his belt. He’s wearing dark cargo pants and a black muscle fit t-shirt with a dark blue jacket over it, and Clarke realises they must be going away on a case. Normally, he wears suit pants and a shirt unless they know they’re going to be chasing someone through the woods or mountains or some other outdoor terrain, and being fair, it’s rare they know that in advance. So it's likely they have an active case lined up when he's dressed like this.

His hair is pushed back - curly but yet straighter than normal and Clarke let’s herself study his neatly trimmed beard. He doesn’t look older, per se, but yet there’s something more mature about him. When he looks at her, Clarke realises she hasn’t answered him.

‘Yeah’ she agrees and takes the coffee cup in her hand, but she knows he’s still watching her.

'You look tired’ he observes. ‘Not sleeping well?’

‘I’m doing fine’ she lies because hell, how can she tell him she’s not sleeping because she’s waiting for her most wanted criminal to come and try kill her in her home?

‘Did you eat?’ Is the next question out of his mouth and Clarke can’t hold back the smirk that forms on her face. It feels like six years ago when Bellamy was there by her side constantly reminding her to feed herself because she always forgot, too wrapped up in work. She's missed this.

‘Not yet’ she tells him the truth and he rolls his eyes.

‘We’ll stop on the way to Headquarters’ he says as he starts the SUV and Clarke, for just a minute, lets herself relish in this whole situation.

Bellamy is beside her as they drive to work. D.C is cold but fresh on this winter’s morning and everything feels exactly as it should. Clarke is determined to hold onto this feeling for as long as she can because when Cage comes, it’s sink or swim.

She’s gonna have to kill him and admit that she hadn’t finished her mission when she said she did, or he’s gonna kill her and everyone will know anyway.

But for now, Clarke has this morning with Bellamy and if these six years have taught her anything, it’s to appreciate the small moments in life before they’re gone.

 

-

 

‘Alright, we ready?’ Kane is standing at the top of Area 12, flipping through his case folder. Raven is leaning against Murphy’s desk and Clarke considers it progress that she hasn’t received any dirty looks from her yet. She’s not worried about Raven, she’s just stubborn and considering she’s basically been Bellamy’s rock these past six years, Clarke can’t blame Raven for being a little bitter towards her.

‘We were supposed to be going out on this case this morning, but the police department have informed us that they’re waiting on the second autopsy to come through. The case came in a few days ago so it shouldn’t be much longer - but we’re gonna fly to Shallow Valley today anyway. That way, we can head out to the woods early tomorrow morning to where the last body was found’ Kane is saying but Clarke is watching Bellamy as he stands with his arms folded a few feet in front of her.

She should be so excited to be back on cases but all she can think about is his lips on hers.

Why is she letting herself get distracted so easily?

_Damn it, she’s not even back in work a day._

‘We’ll seal the perimeter in the morning - the police think the murderer has a residence of some kind within the park because he’s killing within such short spaces of time. Perhaps a cave or some underground, self-built home’ Kane continues.

‘Remind me, how is he killing the victims again?’ Murphy asks.

‘There seems to be some paralytic drug in their systems before they’re shot at point blank range’ Kane reads off his notes. Murphy makes a face.

‘That doesn’t tie in. Why would he go to the effort of drugging them just to shoot them so quickly?’

Kane shrugs and closes his folder at Murphy’s question.

‘We’ll learn more once we’re out there and view the scene. Get ready. Wheels up in an hour.’

Before Clarke knows it, they’re on the aircraft and flying towards Shallow Valley. Murphy and Bellamy are flicking through case notes down the back and Clarke is busy staring out the window of their private plane. From up here, everything looks so small - even her problems. The sky is a dark shade of grey and it’s obvious that December has arrived.

Clarke shrugs into her scarf a little more, as if feeling the cold of the air outside already and glances around the plane again. Emori and Raven are opposite one another in the next seat section across from her, wrapped up in some discussion and Kane is on the phone at the top of the plane - probably to Shallow Valley police department.

‘So considering we’re not on the case properly until tomorrow, what’s say we go out tonight?’ Emori suggests.

‘I’m in’ Raven smiles before turning towards Clarke’s direction. ‘You coming?’

It’s an olive branch and Clarke’s heart lightens at the invitation from Raven. Her tone isn’t as enthusiastic as it is when she’s speaking to Emori but it’s a start, so Clarke nods.

‘Great’ Emori grins even further, clearly just as happy that Raven and Clarke are on okay terms again. ‘We need to buy an outfit though, I have nothing with me.’

‘We could just go casual like our Thursday nights’ Raven shrugs.

‘Are you kidding?’ Emori rolls her eyes. ‘I want to get dressed up for once and go somewhere other than Arkadia.’

‘Like where?’ Clarke giggles as she joins in the conversation.

‘Like dancing’ Emori raises her eyebrows and Raven furrows hers with a look of disgust on her face, like it’s the last thing she wants to do. Raven is definitely not a ‘dancing’ type of girl.

‘Yes, Reyes. It’s happening’ Emori answers the look on Raven’s face.

‘What’s happening?’ Murphy says, suddenly between Clarke and the girls as he stands in the aisle, leaning down to give Emori a quick kiss. It’s chaste, like they’ll do it for the rest of their lives and Clarke feels a pang of jealousy because she wants that too. With Bellamy.

_Stop pipe dreaming, Clarke._

‘We’re going dancing’ Emori smiles at him and Murphy half scoffs, half smirks.

‘What, to like a club?’

‘Yeah, why not?’ Emori replies and Murphy shrugs as he calls back to Bellamy.

‘Hey Blake, wanna relive our youth and head to a club tonight?’

Clarke blushes when she hears Bellamy’s voice and it annoys her - why is she constantly such a school-girl around him? Even in six years, that hasn’t changed.

‘Yeah, don’t care where we’re going as long as they serve beer.’

‘And tequila’ Murphy winks at Clarke.

‘No, I’m not drinking’ Clarke says quickly. She hasn’t drank in years, always needing to be on her game for developments with her old case and now she definitely needs to be on it because she knows Cage will be looking for her - whenever he decides to use ALIE.

‘Why not?’ Bellamy walks up the aisle upon hearing this. ‘Since when does Clarke Griffin refuse a drink?’

Clarke lights up inside because he’s using her birth name - her real name. Not ‘Clarke Jaha’ in an attempt to patronise her.

‘And weren’t you drinking Thursday night?’ Emori adds.

‘No, just water’ Clarke admits the entirety of her team scoff and snigger.

‘Okay, you’re drinking tonight’ Raven tells her. ‘Clarke Griffin isn't back until I see her drinking a shot.’

Clarke smirks, rolling her eyes. She can’t really refuse now and besides, she’s not at home and she’s around her team. Cage won’t dare attack her when she’s so well protected, so maybe she can let loose - just for tonight.

 

-

 

The team fluttered around the police department for an hour and caught up on extra details of their case tomorrow, but then Emori and Raven beckoned Clarke out the door and they went to a boutique a few doors down to find outfits for tonight.

Clarke was glad of it - it meant bonding time with Raven and Emori. They emerged with slinky, short dresses that they’d never wear to Arkadia and ultimately, Clarke felt like she never left for her mission. Raven actually spoke to Clarke as if she could stand her while shopping and she seemed like she had let go a lot of the anger that she held onto.

After getting ready in their hotel with the girls, Clarke now finds herself in a cab on the way to TonDC - a club situated in the heart of Shallow Valley. Murphy and Bellamy are waiting for them there and Raven is currently on the phone to Monty, who is trying very hard to hide his disappointment that they’re all having a night out without him.

The rain is beating off the glass windows of the cab and outside holds a dark and dreary night, but Clarke is buzzing. This is just what she needs - a proper night out with her old team where she’s actually drinking, where she can dance and forget about the fact that Cage Wallace could find her names at any moment on the database.

Once the cab stops, Raven pays and makes a beeline towards the entrance door with Emori and Clarke following closely behind her. The rain could not be coming down any harder and the air is bitter cold on Clarke’s bare legs.

She chose a standard, strappy black dress that comes just to her thighs and sticks tightly to her slender form. It shows just enough of her cleavage to grasp the attention of some boys smoking at the door and they don’t hide the fact that they’re checking her out. She’s paired it with some black heels that splash water as she runs towards the entrance, trying pathetically to cover her volumised, blonde bob with her arm. The pink has washed out of the ends now, leaving it a clean shade of gold.

The boys also check out Raven and Emori, who are sporting short dresses of their own. Raven’s is of course red, which seems to be her signature colour. Her dark hair is slicked back into a neat ponytail and she’s paired the look with some nude heels and red lipstick to really make a statement. Emori has chosen a dark green dress that accentuates her bum and her black heels are far too tall for Clarke to ever wear. She has to admit - they don’t scrub up half bad.

Bellamy must think so too, because when they round the corner into the club, he and Murphy are leaning at one of the first round tables they see and his eyes immediately stick to Clarke. She looks away in order to not make it look obvious that she’s staring at him, but when she looks back, he doesn’t care how obvious he’s making it because he’s still looking at her. His brown eyes have not moved from her the entire time that she’s been walking over towards them.

Bellamy is dressed in a dark blue henley paired with some dark jeans and his hair is a glorious mess of curls - just like Clarke likes it. His beard is still neat but it adds extra sex appeal to him - _not that Bellamy Blake fucking needs it_.

It’s dark inside the club with colourful lights flashing around the room. The music is ridiculously loud but they’re playing remixes of the latest songs from the charts, so at least Clarke knows them. Raven insists on buying a round and Emori lets Murphy fawn over her for a little, so it leaves Clarke exposed to conversation with Bellamy. He looks unreal, so she’s trying hard to stop her mouth going dry and not look across the table at him.

Every time she glances at him, though, he’s still checking her out and the look in his eyes is so intense that it gives Clarke shivers up her spine.

‘You okay, Blake?’ Clarke shouts over the music, staring a little too hard at the dance floor behind him.

‘Yeah - just been a while since I seen you dress like that’ he shouts back and Clarke looks right at him now, smirking. He’s giving her a glance up and down and Clarke has to stop her heart thumping from her chest - _since when does he look at her like this?_ It’s a look she hasn’t seen since they got together all those years ago.

Besides, he’s with Echo now and he’s an honourable and loyal person, it’s not like him to look at anyone like this - especially not if he has a girlfriend.

‘Drink, then dance’ Raven interrupts Clarke’s train of thought as she lands a tray of shots in front of them on the table. Clarke follows suit with the others as they down them and the tequila tastes horrid in her mouth. She makes a face because _fuck_ , she’s not used to this and the whole table break out in laughter at her. When she does another two, the laughter only grows because Clarke is sure she looks like she’s about to vomit.

‘Griffin has lost her touch’ Murphy teases and Clarke shoves him playfully as Emori drags her out behind the boys, down two steps and onto the dance floor. Raven follows behind them and she seems to be more into this ‘club scene’ than she let on.

During their dancing, Raven groans out something about needing to find herself a real man and Emori laughs because as she then tells her, Raven has countless opportunities. She’s an attractive girl and despite the slight limp in her leg, it does nothing to dampen her spirit.

‘Yeah, but I mean it’s fine for you’ she shouts over the music to Emori. ‘You have Murphy and he’s perfect for you. It’s so hard to find the right one.’

Clarke nods a little too knowingly and a little too resentful because she had found the right one but life and circumstances messed it up for her. Apart from that selfish thought, she then thinks how perfect Shaw would be for Raven. He’s smart and good looking and only matches her wit by a fraction.

When Cage is dead, Clarke makes a mental note that she’s gonna try set them up - she owes Raven that at least for looking after Bellamy when she was away.

Clarke loses herself in the music for a while but eventually, she automatically searches for Bellamy who she finds at their table still watching her with a small smile on his face.

_The way he’s looking at her - fuck._

It’s the way every girl imagines being looked at by the love of their life. It’s intense and suggesting all at once and it brings a rush of heat to Clarke’s cheeks and neck. It’s like she’s too warm under his gaze, like she’s the only person in the entire room to him.

She could try and blame the tingles and euphoria on the tequila which is definitely kicking in - but _Jesus_ , Clarke knows it’s Bellamy.

She gives him a smirk back and it looks like he blows out air between his lips, shaking his head as he looks down, matching her smirk right back. It’s an action that if it were formed into a sentence, it would be ‘ _holy fucking shit_ ’.

Then he does something Clarke doesn’t expect, he looks back up at her and nods - beckoning her with his head to no place in particular, just to go with him. So Clarke does. She barely pardons herself from Raven and Emori who are too wrapped up in erotic dancing to a song Clarke recognises.

Once she’s reached his level, Bellamy starts walking away from the table towards the back of the club. Murphy is too busy watching Emori to notice that his friend has left him by himself and Clarke can subtly slip by unnoticed too.

‘Heaven’ by Julia Michaels booms out of the clubs speakers and it turns Clarke on even more as she follows Bellamy’s form through the crowds of people. She catches girls double-glancing him and even watches one make an advance at him but he stays walking like he hasn’t even noticed - and really, Clarke can’t blame them. He looks like a God.

Bellamy reaches the back of the club, just where the D.J's stage ends and there’s a dark, drop-down gap between the stage and the wall which leads to nothing only an emergency exit door. The lights don’t reach there and no-one is around the space, so Bellamy hops down and disappears from Clarke’s sight completely. When she gets there, he helps her down and the feeling of his hands on her waist is enough to make her wet.

_What the hell are they doing?_

Bellamy crowds her against the wall once she’s down, stopping only inches away from her face.

‘Bellamy’ is all she can utter because her eyes are transfixed on his lips.

‘Princess’ he says back, barely a murmur over the song blasting through the club. He’s clearly a little more than tipsy and Clarke wants to tell him to think about this because _shit_ , what about Echo? And aren’t they trying to rebuild a friendship? And..

Her thoughts go blank when his lips crash into hers and Clarke starts running on instinct.

She hasn’t had intimacy in six years and _fuck_ , it’s Bellamy Blake that’s kissing her. So Clarke wraps her arms around the back of his neck to deepen their kiss and when his tongue darts into her mouth, Clarke moans at the contact.

She has thought of this so many times, especially since she’s got back and she’d be a fool to refuse him. His beard is the only thing that’s different in how he kisses because it softly grazes her skin but it only adds to the thrill.

Bellamy’s hands move down her body, squeezing her into him as he reaches the area just above her hips. He slips his hands to her thighs and trails them up under her dress tantalisingly slow until he reaches her ass, squeezing that as well and yeah, that makes Clarke almost drip.

Then, eagerly, he scoops her up in one motion and Clarke is pressed against the wall - just like the last time they had sex, except now they have all their clothes on. Clarke doesn’t know why, but that turns her on even more. That and having it in such a public place. The urgency and desperation of the whole situation has her practically gagging for it and she lets him know by groaning into his mouth so it might spur him on faster.

Her head is spinning to think that she’s doing this to him, turning him on so much by just wearing a short black dress - so much that he had to have her here and now regardless of their circumstances and previous history.

Before she knows it, Bellamy has shucked his jeans down a little, pulled his cock out, shoved her underwear to the side and entered her in a hot second. Clarke moans at the sensation and she’s so tight around him - probably from lack of use if she’s honest.

Bellamy looks like he could come right this second, his hands are supporting her weight but his forehead is leaning against hers and his eyes are closed.

‘Oh, God’ Bellamy says breathlessly and Clarke shifts herself onto him more so she can grind on his cock. He moans louder at that and then he’s moving, thrusting so hard and desperate into her that Clarke is ready to fall apart in seconds.

The music fills her eardrums along with his curses of pleasure and she feels like she’s on sensory over-load. She can feel the vibrations of the song hit her right in the chest.

Bellamy’s mouth is beside her ear and his hand is pushed against the wall beside her head, giving him more ease to fuck her.

Of all the times she’s imagined and remembered their sex together, this right now just confirms that she wasn’t doing it justice. His large cock is pounding into her as fast as he can manage so between that and this desperate urge to have each other in a public place, Clarke tumbles over the edge after only a couple of minutes and Bellamy follows behind her almost immediately. He puts his forehead to hers again and Clarke watches his eyes fall shut as he comes. Curls are falling over his forehead from the stress of their activity and it only adds to how amazing he looks right now.

Clarke and Bellamy stay locked together, panting against the wall as they come down from their high.

_That was fucking incredible._

The feeling immediately fades once Bellamy pulls back though, slipping out of her and placing her down gently. She can tell by the look on his face that he no longer thinks this was a good idea and his features are flooded with guilt.

It’s obviously about Echo.

‘Hey’ Clarke says as she fixes her dress. ‘We don’t have to tell anyone about this.’

It’s said in an effort to erase any worry that he might have because Clarke will keep this quiet for him until he tells Echo himself. She hopes this means he wants to start again with her because clearly, he still has feelings for her but they can talk about that later. She’s obviously completely misread the situation though because Bellamy just looks at her, pausing as he zips up his jeans and a frown forms on his face.

He scoffs loudly, shaking his head in disgust as he hurries up with readying himself.

‘What?’ Clarke frowns herself as she watches him climb up from their hiding space and onto the club floor. ‘Bellamy!’ She calls, following him. He ignores her as he pounds back through the crowd and she watches him shove his hand into his hair to push it back. He quickly grabs his coat once he reaches the table and then he’s storming towards the exit.

‘Bellamy!’ Clarke calls him again over the music but he doesn’t stop, doesn’t look back at all.

‘Blake?’ Murphy notices him going but Bellamy just keeps walking until he’s disappeared out the door. Clarke is stuck to where she’s stopped beside their table, gaping after him and Murphy sighs.

‘Do I even wanna know?’

‘Don’t even know myself’ Clarke says honestly because seriously, what the hell was that?

Unless - does he still think she’s with Wells? Does he think that’s why she didn’t want to tell people?

Maybe he felt guilty that he had put Clarke in a position where she had cheated on her boyfriend, just like Clarke feels guilty about Echo.

She thought that because she’s back now and obviously hasn’t seen Wells since New York, that it would be obvious to Bellamy that there’s nothing between them and never was. And besides, it would be stupid to have that conversation with him anyway.

What was she supposed to say? - _‘Hey Bellamy, I know we’re trying to rebuild a friendship and you have a good thing going with Echo, but just in case you want to know, I’m not with Wells.’_

Besides, she doesn’t owe him that - especially not when he’s with someone else. That’s the only thing she can think of because why else would he be so pissed off?

If it’s just because he’s living with his own guilt about cheating on Echo, there’s not a lot Clarke can do to relieve that. But she’s a decent person too, so she should have tried harder to refuse him - she just got lost in the moment along with her lowered inhibitions.

_Thank you, tequila._

No matter what it was, Bellamy should have been adult enough to stand there and have a discussion with Clarke about it, not walk away like he’s just done. She sighs out loud.

The case tomorrow is going to be fun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It all comes to a head in the next chapter - well, kind of ;)  
> I hope you guys are ready.  
> Please leave me a comment below and tell me what you think, I love reading them and I try to get back to everyone, no matter how late you are to join the story.  
>   
> If you want to find me on Tumblr or share the story: [here's the link.](http://eyessharpweaponshot.tumblr.com/post/183838375314/lose-you-too-bellarke-fbicriminal-mindsthe)


	14. It Comes and Goes in Waves

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we go!  
> I hope you love this chapter as much as the others :)  
> Chapter title is from the song 'Waves' by Dean Lewis.

_The woods are lovely, dark and deep, but I have promises to keep._

Robert Frost’s poem is replaying again and again in Clarke’s mind as they trod through the crunchy wood of Shallow Valley National Park. It’s begun to snow lightly and it’s already started to lodge on the ground, but Clarke prefers it to the heavy rainfall from yesterday. The trees are thick and together, they look like an army. Their bare branches give the team a clear view of the colourless sky above them and on top of everything, it’s absolutely freezing out here.

The poem seems to echo through Clarke’s brain so loudly that she’s sure the others can hear. She wonders if they also hear the replay of promises _she_ has made that are screaming at her in her mind. Raven is to her right a few yards over with her weapon drawn and Murphy is beside her a few yards over again. Bellamy is a couple of feet in front of Clarke, keeping an obvious distance from her just like he's done since the day began.

He’s in his black cargo pants and t-shirt, but his dark blue jacket is zipped up to the neck to keep the cold out. He looks good, but nothing is new there.

Clarke’s long, black duster coat doesn’t keep her as warm as she wants and even though she’s wearing a scarf, her breath is visible in front of her. Her bare hands shake a little as she holds her gun. The boots and jeans she's wearing are also no help in keeping her any way protected from the bitterness in the air.

_But I have promises to keep._

They have seen no sign of their suspect but they are running point with Shallow Valley police department, so they are currently lining the perimeter and keeping them updated through their ear pieces. Kane is with the police, ensuring that things run smoothly. Who they want is definitely here, it’s just a matter of finding them. Clarke hopes they come across the suspect out wandering pretty soon though because she’s sure her lips contain a nice tinge of blue at this point.

Kane thought they would be best without S.W.A.T agents - if their suspect thinks he’s being hunted, he’ll contain himself in his base which is obviously well hidden and they won’t find him today. However, they have less chance of being detected with just a party of four and they’ll have the element of surprise.

_‘I was thinking that I needed to have your back. So I did - and I always will. I promise.’_

Clarke’s gaze swings around the woods. There’s nothing but a light blanket of untouched snow coating the ground around them, looking too perfect to disturb. Bellamy’s gun is by his leg, held by both hands. Even though there’s no breeze, the cold bites Clarke’s skin but her focus stays on him. His form is straight and wary.

Clarke can’t help but think back on how that form pressed her against the wall last night and claimed her for his own - how good he felt inside of her and how his strong arms enveloped her as they chased their high together.

_‘I’m asking you to have a little faith. Just give me some time and I promise…’_

This morning was awkward as they gathered for their briefing. The others knew something had happened to stir the pot again but none of them dared to ask what it was. Even Clarke. She didn’t even know where to begin with asking Bellamy what the hell he was thinking last night to storm out of the place angrier than a nest of smoked wasps, and Bellamy definitely didn’t want to talk about it. He stood with his arms folded through the entire briefing, quietly seething and looking a little too hurt for what had gone on.

_‘Don’t you dare finish that sentence. You can shove your fucking promises. You promised me you’d always have my back, you remember that? What the fuck is this?’_

A branch snaps to the right of them, almost loud enough to fool their ears into believing it was a gunshot. The teams eyes are drawn towards it, like a sudden light in a dark tunnel. Clarke’s leg starts to twinge and she instantly regrets not working out more before coming back to work - her muscles are obviously playing up already and their dancing last night didn’t help, not to mention the fact that her legs were doing something else they weren’t used to last night too.

Raven nods at Clarke and Bellamy to continue forward, signalling that she and Murphy will follow the noise. Not a sound passes her lips. Bellamy and Clarke obey and focus back on their target location while Raven and Murphy secure the right of them. The woods are so dense that within a few moments, they are completely gone from sight.

Clarke doesn’t like this.

She can’t see them or cover them now and something feels wrong.

She’s had more families than most people, her own and Wells’ - and she’s lost both. She won’t lose these guys, not again.

Almost by reflex, Clarke is back scanning for Bellamy. She sees him up ahead, moving silently. It mimics his demeanour with her all morning, but Clarke decides not to complain. Silence is better than fighting.

_‘I promise I’ll come back and all of this will be over.’_

They’ve walked for another few minutes and Clarke has lost herself in more thoughts and flashbacks of her life - of her father reading her Robert Frost’s poems, of Wells’ dad teaching her how to fish, of running through Europe with her other team, of finding Cage in Prague and him staring dead into her soul before escaping, of Bellamy and everything that she loves about him.

_'Stop promising me shit!'_

Clarke brings herself back to the now, scanning the woods again but she can’t remember at what point she lost her concentration. _How long had she not been bothering to check their surroundings?_

 _Shit_ , maybe she came back to work too quickly.

It is her first case after all. Maybe she wasn’t ready.

A chill runs down Clarke’s spine.

_Where’s Bellamy?_

She hasn’t seen him in God knows how long and she can’t see him now. She was too distracted with her thoughts. _Fuck_ , she’s never lost focus like this before. Normally, she can’t focus on anything _but_ him.

_What is happening to her?_

It’s only then that she realises her form. Clarke is swaying.

She looks back to see her footprints in the snow in a very uneven line. She looks ahead for Bellamy again but it seems like everything she looks at is dragging across her vision in slow motion. Clarke is breathing heavily now and she figures that maybe it’s panic.

 _Something is wrong_.

She’s lightheaded and disorientated and suddenly, she notices that the cold isn’t bothering her anymore. In fact, she’s welcoming it because it feels like she’s burning from the inside out. The ground shifts under her feet so much that Clarke has to catch herself on a tree, holding onto it tightly. Her gun slips from her hand and Clarke lets herself slide down the bark, holding it as the snow bunches underneath her to reveal the leaves beneath.

Once she’s sitting, Clarke notices a feather sticking out of her jeans - just above her knee. She pulls it and a dart comes with it.

_What?_

She didn’t even feel it entering her leg. Or did she?

_Is that what the noise was? Is that what the pain was?_

As foggy as her mind is becoming, Clarke realises what’s happening and the thought is alarming.

_They’re the ones being hunted._

Their suspect is using a paralytic drug to subdue his victims and it seems to be what’s happening with Clarke. Her mind is slowing down and it’s getting harder to think, but her heart is still racing because in the midst of all this, she can’t see Bellamy and he could be in danger too.

It hasn’t even occurred to Clarke until now to call out for her team, but when she tries, her voice isn’t audible. She’s unsure if her lips are even moving. It feels like those dreams where you’re trying to run or scream but your body won’t do what you want it to. Whatever this drug is, it’s dulling muscle function. Clarke knows she’s gonna pass out soon but she’s fighting it.

‘So, we meet again’ a figure is standing over her. He hunches down, rubbing the side of Clarke’s cheek. Her head is against the bark of the tree and she can’t move to look at him, can’t shake his hand away but her heart is now thumping because she smells stale smoke and she fucking recognises the voice.

Shumway.

_No, this can’t be happening._

A hammer of a gun clicks and breaks the silence in the woods.

‘Stand up, and move the hell away from her’ Bellamy’s voice comes into Clarke’s ears and she can feel herself panic more.

_He needs to go, he can’t be here._

Clarke is looking through half-lidded eyes at trees that seem to go on forever and she wishes that she could move, just to look at Bellamy behind her and draw strength from him because even though he’s her weakness, he’s the other as well.

‘You see, Agent, you’re not really thinking this through. I have a needle at Agent Jaha’s neck here, filled with the same drug I’ve already sedated her with. Now how long do you think it’s gonna take for me to die? It better be faster than a second because that’s all it’s going to take to pop this into your friends neck - and God, another dose of this nasty stuff, can’t promise she’ll wake up’ Shumway tells him.

‘You’ll die pretty quick from a headshot’ Bellamy says through gritted teeth and Clarke knows by his tone that he’s fuming. He clearly recognises Shumway as their old torturer.

‘You and I both know you can’t take a headshot without the bullet flying into her head from mine, we’re too close’ Shumway must smirk and Clarke can feel his head press against hers along with the faint sensation of a needle against her neck. ‘So stop dragging this out, Agent Blake. Put the gun down.’

Clarke doesn’t know what decision is made because the darkness is coming to claim her. She’s held out as long as she can.

_The woods are lovely, dark and deep. But I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep._

_And miles to go before I sleep._

 

-

 

A searing pain in Clarke’s head makes her come round - she guesses it’s the drug wearing off.

When she opens her eyes, Clarke is in what appears to be an underground bunker. It takes a few seconds for her eyes to focus and the only light she sees in the room is a lantern burning low on a desk. There’s a metal stairs leading up to a door in the ceiling and the walls are some kind of metal too. Her gun and earpiece are gone and Clarke knows not to bother looking for them in the muted darkness - they won't be here.

This whole thing is manmade and Clarke guesses she’s still in Shallow Valley Park - there’s no way Shumway could have gotten her out of there unseen.

They were right about the suspect staying in the woods anyway - they were just wrong about who the suspect was.

 _Fuck_ , she’s in so much trouble. Then as she begins to focus more and more, her heart rate elevates.

_Where's Bellamy?_

Clarke jumps off the floor and clambers up the metal stairs as quick as her weak body will take her. She starts pushing on the door in the ceiling but Clarke knows it’s futile. Common sense tells her it’s locked, but she has to try anyway - she has to know what happened to him. It’s only then she hears a faint grunt, making her swing around while still clutching the frame of the stairs.

Bellamy is lying behind the desk, hidden from view but definitely there. Clarke’s heart lurches when she sees him and she launches herself over to where he lies.

‘Bellamy’ she almost shouts from the adrenaline, shaking him. He’s starting to come around more and more and Clarke feels like crying at the fact that he’s alive. A flesh wound coats his temple - clearly from a barrel of a gun. The blood has dried and clotted so they must have been out a while. Without even asking, Clarke knows what has happened.

Bellamy disarmed in order to surrender and Shumway knocked him out in order to take him too.

Almost instinctively, Bellamy reaches for his weapon as he starts to concentrate on the situation, but naturally, it’s been removed from him.

‘Clarke, where is he?’ Bellamy gets up and pushes Clarke behind him. It’s only then it seems that he realises where they are, and that they’re alone. ‘What is this place?’

‘Some kind of bunker, I’m not sure’ Clarke replies. It’s so cold so it’s definitely underground and their breaths are visible in the air.

‘Are you okay?’ Bellamy grabs her, obviously remembering suddenly that she was drugged. He moves her face side to side to check for injuries. ‘He didn’t hurt you, did he?’

Clarke’s heart skips in her chest at his concern and tenderness because _fuck_ , she loves him so much.

‘No, I don’t think so’ her voice is small when she speaks. She puts her own hands either side of his head to pull it down towards her. ‘I came off better than you’ she says jokingly as she inspects his head wound. Bellamy’s eyes meet hers and for a few moments, the world is right again.

Then he disengages and climbs the stairs, trying to push the ceiling door. He’s remembered that he’s mad at her, which is ridiculous considering these circumstances. He comes back down, scanning the small room for any means of escape.

‘How are we gonna get out of here?’ Bellamy runs his hands through his hair, talking to himself more than Clarke.

He was obviously dragged as his dark hair strands are now lined with dry mud. His cargo pants are dirty along with his jacket but Clarke envies him because her coat and scarf are gone. She stands in her mud stained jeans and boots now and a long sleeve black top, but that’s all. She rubs her arms in order to inject some warmth into them.

Bellamy has started to pace, saying that Raven and Murphy must know they are missing by now and there’ll be a team out searching. Clarke is listening to him talk but her own thoughts are speaking louder in her mind because _fuck_ , now that the panic of finding Bellamy is over, Clarke has time to assess the whole situation.

This is looking really fucking bad - it’s likely this whole thing was Cage’s doing.

She was so sure he’d come for her in her home where it was easy and simple to try and take Clarke out, why would he orchestrate an entire crime scene and murder other people just to get Clarke out here?

He always had a flair for the dramatic. Then again, he knows Clarke wouldn’t have been prepared for an attack here.

Which she wasn’t.

Shumway is still working for him and as for the drug - Clarke imagines Dr. Tsing is still on the scene.

 _Jesus_ , Clarke has been so stupid.

Now her entire team could be in trouble which is exactly what she wanted to avoid. To make matters worse, Bellamy is actually here with her.

_Shit, how is she gonna get him out of this?_

‘Why is that guy even here?’ Bellamy snaps her out of her thoughts because he’s over beside her now, wrapping his jacket around her shoulders. Clarke shrugs into it and zips it up, relishing in the warmth radiating from it. It smells like Bellamy and it almost makes her forget to answer him.

‘What?’

‘That guy - he’s the one who was looking for the database code six years ago’ Bellamy is standing with his hands on his hips, looking at Clarke now as if she should know the answer. Which she does, but she can’t tell him. She can’t bare to have these moments, which could be the last of her life, filled with him being more mad at her than he already is.

‘I don’t know, I didn’t see him’ she says and Bellamy sighs, clearly trying to figure it all out.

‘Bellamy’ Clarke utters and he looks back to her again. ‘Last night…’ she begins but Bellamy cuts her off by laughing in disbelief and walking away from her towards the stairs.

‘Clarke, look where we are! We are not doing this.’

‘Not like we have any other place to be, Bellamy’ Clarke remains calm because she just doesn’t have it in her to fight. If Cage Wallace comes down those stairs, her life is over. She has no gun and no ideas on how to save Bellamy, so she needs things to be okay between them - if just for now. ‘We had sex’ she says simply.

‘Yeah’ Bellamy closes his eyes, his voice quieter now as he resigns to having this conversation.

‘Why did you walk out afterwards?’

‘Why did you tell me we’d keep it a secret?’ He says with bitterness in his tone. ‘In case your boyfriend would find out? Because you didn't want to tell him?’

‘Wells is not my boyfriend’ Clarke rolls her eyes, annoyed that she even had to clarify that but Bellamy just scoffs like he doesn’t believe her. ‘And I said that in case you needed time to figure out what you were going to do about Echo - you know, that girl who is definitely your girlfriend? You seem to think you have this dignified right to be annoyed with me about my private affairs that you make up in your head, but in reality you’re the one with shit going on in your personal life so you know, people in glass houses, Bellamy.’

‘Echo and I broke up last Friday’ he snaps and Clarke looks at him because _fuck_ , she did not expect that. Her lingering silence must encourage him to elaborate because he speaks again. ‘She told me the morning after our night in Arkadia that it was obvious things were breaking down between us’ Bellamy’s voice is softer now as if he’s reliving it. ‘That I didn’t look at her the way I look at you.’

Clarke’s chest feels like it could cave in.

‘Bellamy’ she whispers through the silence of the bunker.

‘I told her she was right. That she deserved someone who could give her everything.’

‘You could give her everything’ Clarke tells him because she hates him thinking that he’s not enough for any girl.

‘Not when I’m giving my everything to you’ Bellamy says quietly. Clarke almost bursts into tears. Her whole skin tingles and she can't believe something that perfect is being said to her. She doesn't deserve this man. ‘When we get out of here, we’ll talk, okay?’ Bellamy takes a step towards her.

She’s not getting out of here.

‘Bellamy’ she takes a step towards him herself. She wants to promise him that they can be together and have the time to explore what this is between them because Clarke knows it would be something so amazing, but how can she promise that? If by some miracle they did survive this, he’s never gonna trust her again because she indirectly lied to him about her mission being over and potentially put everyone’s life in danger, especially her own.

_But I have promises to keep._

Instead, she settles with trying to give him some advice on how to be without her.

‘We’ve been through a lot together, you and I’ Clarke begins, right in front of him now. He’s looking at her like she put the stars in the sky, studying her face as he tries to figure out where she’s going with this. ‘You’ve got such a big heart, Bellamy’ she says, trying to keep her voice from shaking. Bellamy’s face is solemn and dulled by the harsh shadows created by the lantern, but Clarke can tell he’s emotional.

‘Clarke’ he says in his usual dulcet voice, deep and husky - the one Clarke has come to love, the one that still gives her tingles down her spine. It’s more obvious in the silence of the bunker.

‘People follow you. You inspire them because of this’ Clarke places her hand over his heart. She feels it thud through his t-shirt and she really has to force the tears back now because how long can she keep this beating for? ‘But the only way to make sure we survive is if you use this too’ Clarke lifts her hand to touch his temple, just under where it’s injured.

He needs to use his head because when Cage gets here and Bellamy sees Clarke in danger, he’ll react the way he did when Shumway almost killed her - and Clarke is afraid he’ll get himself hurt in the process.

Silence fills the room for a few moments and Bellamy looks at her with such vulnerability, it almost breaks Clarke there and then.

‘I got you for that’ he tells her like it’s obvious. Like they’ll always have one another.

The heart and the head.

‘Why does this sound like goodbye?’ Bellamy adds after a few moments. Clarke takes a shaky breath but before she can say anything, a creak fills the bunker and a light shines in around them as the ceiling door is opened. Bellamy pushes Clarke back behind him as they wait for someone to follow the light.

A few moments pass before Bellamy slowly turns slightly towards her, his face full of realisation.

‘He called you Jaha’ he utters.

‘What?’

‘That man. He told me ‘I have a needle at Agent Jaha’s neck.’ That’s what he said’ Bellamy’s face is growing pale and it’s matching Clarke’s, because he’s figured it out. It was always going to happen, but Clarke can already see the betrayal growing in Bellamy’s eyes.

A man starts to climb down the stairs holding an air rifle and Bellamy swings back around, his back to Clarke now.

It’s Shumway.

Clarke’s breathing is heavy and her extremities have gone numb from the panic. A set of shoes come into view behind Shumway and the man that owns them climbs down into the bunker.

Cage Wallace.

 _Fuck,_ Clarke wishes she wasn’t right about this.

Eleven years. Eleven years searching to find Cage and now, he’s found Clarke. Unarmed, unprotected and unprepared. He’s calm and collected as he descends the stairs. Even though Wells and the mission team collected thousands of surveillance photos and videos of Cage, he looks older in person and older than when they ran into him in Prague. His face is clean shaven and his hair is a dark brown, groomed to perfection. He’s in his 40s and he looks wise and experienced but that's not what catches Clarke's attention the most - it’s Cage’s eyes, vile and snake like.

He stands with his hands held in front of him, business like and intimidating but he holds no gun - not yet anyway. Clarke stares at him over Bellamy’s shoulder.

‘Agent Jaha, at last.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys for staying with me this long and as always, know how much I appreciate your input/guesses into what's happening next/suggestions/heart warming comments. It makes my day to read them and I try to get back to everyone so definitely leave me a comment :)  
>   
> If you want to find me on Tumblr or share the story: [here's the link.](http://eyessharpweaponshot.tumblr.com/post/183838375314/lose-you-too-bellarke-fbicriminal-mindsthe)


	15. There's Hope in Front of Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is from the song 'Hope In Front Of Me' by Danny Gokey.  
> The only advice I can give is brace yourselves for this chapter!

‘I’d refrain from doing anything stupid’ Shumway says as Bellamy goes to take a step forward.

The bunker looks much bigger now that the light is let in. Clarke guesses that it’s morning, which means they’ve been down here overnight.

The snow is thicker now from what she can tell. It falls in flakes on the stairs and the residue from under Shumway and Cage’s boots is melting on the concrete floor below them.

’Right, Agents. Let’s head upstairs’ Cage smiles at them both. Clarke is terrified to her core but she refuses to let him see it.

She’s not afraid for her life, she’s afraid for Bellamy’s - and this is something Cage cannot know.

He’ll probably kill Bellamy anyway - and the thought is sickening. Why would he let him go?

Still, Clarke needs to cling to a little bit of hope that Cage might let him live.

She climbs the stairs after Bellamy and the light is suddenly too bright when she reaches the top. It blinds her and she shields herself from it’s harshness with her hand once she emerges into the cold air.

She was right - they didn’t leave Shallow Valley National Park. Trees are scattered around them but they are in a small clearing. Looking back, the bunker is so well covered that they would never have been found. Cage could have killed them down there and left them - there would have been no trace except for drag marks that would have disappeared with the snowfall.

_So why bring them above ground?_

Clarke knows the answer to that immediately. He wants them to be found - he wants Wells to know Cage got her and that he’s coming for everyone on the mission team.

Cage is standing a few feet in front of them with Shumway to his left and Dr. Tsing to the right, both of them armed.

Dr. Tsing’s long, black hair reminds Clarke of Raven but her face holds no friendliness there. Cage has two other men who are over by the trees, clearly keeping watch and Clarke huffs out a breath of annoyance at how outnumbered they are.

‘Surprised, Agent Jaha?’ Cage is watching her face.

‘No, confused as to why you went to such extortionate lengths to get me here. You could have came to my home’ Clarke says, suddenly missing Bellamy in her immediate vicinity. He’s a few feet away from her, but they are still standing side by side like they should be.

‘Well, considering you have been lodged on that hall chair of yours for a week waiting for me, I thought the element of surprise would be better’ Cage smirks.

Bellamy slowly moves his head towards Clarke, which she catches out of the corner of her eye. When she looks at him, she can see he’s now remembering her watch-chair and he shakes his head in disgust, knowing Clarke has been expecting Cage to come for her and she still didn’t tell anyone.

He looks away before she can give him any kind of apologetic look. Clarke desperately wants to reach out and brush the crease in his brow away, but instead, she focuses her attention back at Cage.

‘Afraid you wouldn’t be a match for me otherwise?’ Clarke says. At this, Cage gives a small laugh because she clearly amuses him or impresses him - she can’t tell.

‘Who’s this?’ Cage changes the subject slightly as he nods to Bellamy.

‘Don’t know’ Clarke almost says too quickly. ‘Met him yesterday for this case.’

Bellamy doesn’t say anything but Clarke notices how tense his form is - he knows how much danger they are in.

‘That’s a lie, Sir’ Shumway interjects. ‘He’s been her partner since she joined the D.C team. Bellamy Blake.’

‘Why lie?’ Cage raises his eyebrows and smiles at Clarke because _fuck_ , he fucking knows Bellamy is more to her than that.

The wood is silent and Clarke notes the absence of birds and wind - there is no noise to be heard except the pounding in her eardrums.

‘Ask Shumway how he knows that’ Clarke hears herself say because if he’s dragging them down, he’s coming too.

Shumway’s face changes instantly from smug to panicked.

‘ALIE told us. She got into your system files - we jumped into the classified mission section and found your pictures but when we were looking at yours, another file pinged and it led us to another profile of yours - Clarke Griffin, FBI agent from Washington, D.C. Currently working in Marcus Kane’s task force. We read up about your team as well as you and then ALIE made sure you were put on this case to get you all out here’ Shumway explains and even Clarke can tell it’s rushed because Cage is watching him with his brow furrowed.

From the corner of her eye, Clarke can see Bellamy’s head drop and when she looks at him, his eyes are closed because he knows what running a search on her has done now. He knows that she was trying to protect them all.

‘That’s not the full truth though, is it?’ Clarke smirks, looking back at Shumway now because she has him. When Cage looks at her questionably, she doesn’t hesitate in telling him. ‘Shumway had us six years ago. Those agents he took when he was looking for the database code - before you had ALIE - that was us’ Clarke takes too much pleasure in informing him of Shumway’s error. ‘Could have had me six years ago’ Clarke shrugs, smiling smugly.

The smile is wiped from her face completely when Cage takes his gun out of his coat pocket and fires at Shumway.

It’s done in such an efficient and calm manner that if Clarke hadn’t just seen it, she wouldn’t have believed that it was done without an ounce of remorse.

Clarke and Bellamy both jump at the sound of the gunshot and Clarke starts breathing heavily.

 _Shit_.

She didn’t think he’d kill him.

Shumway drops to the ground with a thump and Dr. Tsing is clearly unnerved by this. Her shoulders tense and she takes a step backwards, her eyes darting from Shumway’s body to Cage.

Shumway has been part of Cage’s organization since day one and Cage just disposed of him so easily over a simple mistake of not recognizing Clarke.

‘Now that we’re finished with that, Clarke…’ Cage says calmly, like nothing has happened. ‘You were about to tell me why you lied to me about what this man is to you’ he continues and _fuck_ , Clarke is visibly panicking now.

‘Cage. He’s not in this operation. Just let him go’ she tries to say without stammering.

‘Come on, Clarke. You’ve studied me. I cover my tracks almost as well as you do. I leave no witnesses, but certain people will know it’s me behind it. Like you’ he smiles that smile that Clarke has come to hate more than anything in the last five minutes. ‘You killed my companions in many different countries for the past eleven years. The police didn’t know it was your team, but I did’ he says elatedly.

 _The son of a bitch is enjoying this_.

‘He has no part in this, please’ Clarke is anxious now and Cage knows it. She’s giving it away but she can’t help it, can’t control the panic.

‘Does this man have some sort of significance to you, Agent? Other than work related?’ Cage nods at Bellamy. ‘Because that would be very interesting.’

‘Why? What do you care what he is to me?’ Clarke manages to get out and Cage smiles.

’Because if there’s something that could cause you pain, I want to know it. And I think I already do.’

‘Okay, look, I’m here - you have me. I’ll do anything, I’ll stop running, I’ll stop fighting - just please don’t kill him’ Clarke begs and she realises how pathetic she must sound to a mass murderer and crime boss. She tried to remain intact and cold but how can she when Bellamy is here?

Bellamy is watching her now, breathing heavily himself. He’s staying quiet though and Clarke thanks whatever deity is out there for that. Maybe he’s using his head, like she told him to.

Judging by Cage’s face, he’s not bluffing - he knows exactly what Bellamy is to Clarke.

‘You know, Agent. For years, all I wanted was you and your team dead. You all cost me millions, you constantly ruined plans and you killed my people. I couldn’t wait to find you because you’re all pests in my system. But I think this might be better than killing you’ Cage looks down at his gun and inspects it’s handle. ‘You’ll still hunt me, probably with more drive than before - but if you find me, I think I’d die happy knowing even your revenge won’t cure this pain.’

‘No, please. Please don’t do this’ Clarke is suddenly hysterical, barely recognising the desperation in her tone. ‘Kill me instead’ she shouts and it echoes through the forest. ‘I’m the one you want and I’m right here. Don’t be a coward’ she tries antagonising him.

‘Stop it, Clarke’ Bellamy says but it’s his voice that gets Clarke more than anything. It’s resigned and calm, like he’s accepted his fate.

She snaps her gaze to him and his face confirms her theory. She hadn’t noticed the tears escaping down her face until one falls from her nose. Bellamy clearly can’t look at her cry, so he drops his gaze to the snow covered ground below him.

‘Tell him you love him before he dies’ Cage says as he points the gun at Bellamy and Clarke’s heart speeds up, looking at Bellamy to see his reaction to that.

His head shoots up to look at her, not even caring that there’s a gun pointed at him. His brow is furrowed and his face is full of shock.

Of all the times she’s come close to it, Clarke realises she’s never actually told Bellamy that she’s in love with him because she’s been too afraid. He hasn’t told her either and quite frankly, in this moment and time, Clarke doesn’t care if he is in love with her or not.

She’s no longer afraid to say it because all those fears just seem stupid now - as if it matters if he wouldn’t say it back or that he’d know just how much she’s messed up by falling for him. She does love him and she will tell him, but she doesn’t want to say it, not now - not like this. It’s not how he deserves to hear it for the first time.

‘Tell him, Clarke’ Cage encourages after her bout of silence. ‘Quickly.’

‘Stop, Cage. Please’ she tries again. Cage is loving playing these mind games, trying to inflict the most amount of pain on Clarke.

Bellamy is still watching her when Cage pulls back the hammer of his gun. The click is like a whistle signalling the panic to go off in Clarke’s chest.

‘Tell him!’ Cage says a little louder, closer to a shout than anything else.

‘Yes, okay! I love him! Please, don’t do this. I love him’ Clarke screams out in despair, tears falling from her eyes as she tries to steady her legs. Bellamy’s eyes are fixated on her, barely able to comprehend what he’s hearing. ‘I love you’ she tells him softly when she looks at him and his face displays all the sadness that she feels.

A gunshot erupts through the clearing and Clarke screams. Her ears are ringing and her mouth goes dry. She’s closed her eyes at the sound but when she forces them back open, Bellamy is still standing there. Her eyes scan the area and she sees Dr. Tsing heaped beside Shumway, dead. Both of Cage’s men by the trees are also dead, but they seem to have been killed more quietly.

Clarke doesn’t have any time to process what’s happening because Cage is still pointing his gun at Bellamy and Clarke can barely breathe.

‘Looks like I’m out of options, Agent. No more time for games’ he says before firing his weapon. Almost simultaneously, a bullet pops out from the front of Cage’s head. He’s been shot, but the bullet had already left his gun. Clarke doesn't really know how she managed to get in front of Bellamy so quick, but she takes the hit for him.

’NO!’ Clarke hears Bellamy yell.

Pain sears through her chest and she knows instantly it’s under her rib cage.

Bellamy is beside her, shouting her name and letting her weight fall against him because apparently, she’s not holding herself up anymore.

From a distance, Clarke can see Wells racing towards her. He took the shot, Cage is dead because of him.

Shaw, Harper and Miller follow close behind and next to emerge from the trees are Raven and Murphy followed by S.W.A.T agents.

‘I need a medic!’ Bellamy screams over Clarke now as he lies her on the snow.

‘Don’t go anywhere, Princess’ he says, putting pressure on her wound. Clarke can’t feel it anymore, there’s no pain.

She knows that’s a bad sign.

Clarke is on her back against the white backdrop of the snow and the beautiful Bellamy Blake is holding her, willing himself not to fall apart. His curls fall just over his forehead and his freckles dance across his nose. The brown of his eyes is so deep that Clarke could fall into them and so she smiles at him, which only seems to water the concern on his face.

She knows she's going to die, but Clarke is okay with that when it means he can live. Bellamy gives her hope - not for her life, but for his. He's safe now and she doesn't have to worry about losing him to death's grasp. She's here in his arms and he's with her in her final moments.

‘There’s worse ways to go’ she whispers to him before letting her eyes fall shut.

The darkness consumes her and weirdly, Clarke feels at peace.

_But I have promises to keep. And miles to go before I sleep._

_And miles to go before I sleep._

 

_-_

 

_‘What if I don’t want to be in politics?’ Clarke huffs as Thelonious Jaha reels in the fishing line. ‘Wells and I want to be agents.’_

_It’s spring time and the forest is alive with flowers and greenery. The lake in front of them is still and the breeze is warm against Clarke’s face. They’re sitting on a wooden dock with their fishing rods in the water. Clarke is 17._

_‘You don’t have to be in politics like me’ Thelonious tells her. ‘But agents? Dangerous work. No room for personal life because your work will follow you home one day.’_

_Clarke makes a face at this because why would she want a personal life? Families don’t last and neither does love. Somebody always leaves or dies._

_The sun is high in the sky and the birds and creatures make the forest flourish with life. But even with that, it’s quiet out here - peaceful._

_‘You could be a doctor, like your mother. You have the brains’ Thelonious suggests after a few moments of silence._

_‘I want to be nothing like my mother’ Clarke says bitterly._

_Thelonious sighs and is quiet for a few moments. Then his face grows soft, like he’s remembering that he promised to look after Clarke - and that meant her happiness too._

_‘I took the road less travelled by and it has made all the difference’ Thelonious recites one of Robert Frost’s poems. ‘Your dad loved that one’ he tells her and Clarke’s heart bunches at the thought of him. ‘You do what you want, Clarke. And I’ll support you all the way. I can even try get you an early start, if you’d like.’_

_Clarke smiles and Thelonious smiles back at her._

 

 

Darkness.

‘She might not come out of this, Agent, you have to prepare yourself.’

‘That’s not good enough!’

‘Agent Blake, calm down.’

Darkness.

 

 

_Robert Frost is definitely Clarke’s favourite poet, mainly because she grew up hearing her father read her his poems._

_Yet for some reason, as Clarke approaches the Jaha’s home place, she keeps reciting Mid-Term Break by the Irish poet, Seamus Heaney._

_It’s early summer and the weather isn’t hot enough yet to be uncomfortable, but Clarke hates everything about this day already. She’s had enough funerals in her life and she can’t stand them._

_Wells is in the garden when she pulls up, head cupped in his hands._

He had always taken funerals in his stride.

_Clarke places her hand on his shoulder as she passes. She climbs the porch steps and goes inside slowly and warily. A few people are in the living room when she passes - politicians that worked with Thelonious, a priest and a doctor._

I was embarrassed by old men standing up to shake my hand and tell me they were sorry for my trouble.

_They had done this only a year previous for Wells’ mother. Even though Clarke wasn’t as close to her as she was to Thelonious, Clarke still locked herself in her room for weeks._

_It’s different now though, they’re in the FBI about to head off on a classified mission and she doesn’t have that luxury._

_This is so final. There’s no-one left in this world for Wells. For her._

_Clarke climbs the stairs, holding tightly onto the bannister. She had only spoken to him on the phone two days ago. She pauses at his door because fuck, she still needs him. She’s only 20, she can’t be by herself yet._

_When she pushes open the door, Thelonious is lying neatly in the bed, dressed for his grave and it reminds her too much of her father._

I saw him for the first time in six weeks. Paler now.

_Clarke touches his face with the back of her fingers, feeling his cold skin._

_‘Thank you for everything’ she whispers, swallowing back the tears.  
_

_Another person she loves claimed to the afterlife._

_Clarke decides then that she’ll never let someone in enough to hurt her like this again._

_It would take a Superman to break down this wall she’s building around herself._

 

 

Darkness.

‘Bellamy, you haven’t been home in days, let me stay with her. You go home and sleep.’

‘Monty, for the last time, I’m not going anywhere. Stay if you want but I’m not going home.’

‘The doctor said at this point, the chances of her…’

_A crash._

‘Okay, I know you’re upset but you standing here flipping tables isn’t helping Clarke.’

Darkness.

 

It’s silent when Clarke regains consciousness properly. She can hear the beeping of the machines but other than that, it’s quiet.

She feels a tube down her throat, clearly breathing for her - she’s been intubated.

Clarke doesn’t have the energy to fight it, even though it feels wrong. Her gag reflexes aren’t reacting but she wants it out.

The soreness comes back into her rib cage as she starts to come around more and more, but it’s not nearly as painful as when she got shot first. She assumes that’s due to a combination of the bullet being gone and the pain medication.

She’s had surgery - she knows that much. There’s a bandage wrapped tightly around her stomach area but it’s not what Clarke notices the most. It’s the warmth in her right hand.

Clarke forces her eyes open properly but they feel heavy. She moves them around the room and even though it’s in dull light, she can see everything.

There’s lights on in the hospital hallway and she can see the nurses at the desk through the window. There’s a tall, dim corner lamp on beside the window which creates a small hue around the room.

Looking down, Clarke spots Bellamy - both of his hands are holding her right one up to his mouth.

‘Please’ he’s whispering, repeating it into her skin with his eyes closed. His dark curls, his freckles, his beautiful face - _he's here_.

Clarke has no energy but she utilises whatever strength she has into moving her fingers ever so slightly. He feels it and in slow motion, he pulls away and looks at her fingers, then her face.

‘NURSE!’ He shouts out towards the hallway and springs off his chair, putting his hand on Clarke’s face.

‘It’s alright, we’re gonna take the tube out now’ he says, kissing her forehead.

Clarke can’t express any emotion through her eyes, she just feels so tired. It feels like her eyes are dragged down a bit, like someone is pulling at her face.

It’s exhaustion.

She must fall back asleep because the last thing she remembers seeing is two nurses rushing in followed by a doctor.

Clarke can’t keep focusing so the darkness comes back for her again, like an old friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let the comments come at me! I love reading them all and as always, I try to get back to everyone.  
> Also, I want to thank all of you who have reached out to me on my Tumblr and who have shared the story there. It's attracted more people to my story and it just means the world to me.  
>   
> If you want to find me on Tumblr or share the story: [here's the link.](http://eyessharpweaponshot.tumblr.com/post/183838375314/lose-you-too-bellarke-fbicriminal-mindsthe)
> 
> I've also posted something on my Tumblr also to thank everyone for the response to this fic because honestly, the support I've received has blown my mind.  
> [Appreciation post.](http://eyessharpweaponshot.tumblr.com/post/178135707084/lose-you-too)


	16. You Are the Reason

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a Bellamy POV chapter (every 4th).  
> Chapter title is from the song 'You Are The Reason' by Calum Scott and I think it's so appropriate for this chapter!  
> There's lots of flashbacks but it's necessary to build a good picture of this whole thing from Bellamy's perspective, so I hope you don't mind and I hope you all enjoy it!

‘Welcome back to us, Agent Griffin’ Doctor Jackson says gently as he looks into Clarke’s eyes with his light. Bellamy is standing over by the wall, watching Clarke closely.

This is vital.

She has been out for a long time and they aren’t sure what damage is done. He’s biting his thumbnail in anticipation, praying that she’s fully functional. She fell back asleep last night and didn’t wake again until now, even when they took the intubation tube out. Jackson assured him though that it was a miracle she even woke up at all.

The sun is shining in through the window and even though it’s freezing outside, Bellamy thinks it’s the perfect December evening. Clarke is awake and hopefully, nothing is wrong with her - so really, what more could he ask for?

‘Do you know where you are?’ Jackson asks and Bellamy holds his breath when Clarke takes pause. Her skin is so pale and her eyes look tired and for a minute, Bellamy thinks she isn’t going to answer Jackson at all.

‘A hospital?’ Clarke asks like she wants confirmation and Bellamy can feel his breath release from his chest immediately.

‘Correct. You’re back home, in D.C. You were in Shallow Valley General for a few days but then your team had you transferred back here’ Jackson says as he listens to her chest with a stethoscope. Clarke pulls a puzzled face.

‘How long was I out?’

‘About two weeks’ Jackson replies as he picks up Clarke’s hands, encouraging her to hold them level by herself. Clarke’s mouth falls open and she looks across at Bellamy, who is waiting for her eyes to meet his. ‘Do you know who that is?’ Jackson asks when he sees her look at him. Bellamy holds his breath at this too - at this point, she’s probably okay but Jackson told him that sometimes only some things come back while others don’t.

‘Bellamy Blake’ she replies, giving him a small smile and Bellamy has to bite the inside of his lip because suddenly, he feels like he could cry.

‘Very good’ Jackson smiles. ‘Pain in the ass is what he is. Refused to leave the hospital, even when he was in our way’ he jokes.

Jackson is a young doctor, not much older than Bellamy and he’s been here almost as much as Bellamy has. He took a shine to the case and even though he probably wouldn’t admit it if Bellamy asked him, he’s become emotionally invested.

There were days when it was just Bellamy and Clarke because the others would be at work or at home, and Jackson would come in between his own caseload and play cards with Bellamy or just have general chats. Bellamy was glad of him - it took his mind off the despair that constantly resided in his chest.

‘Okay, Agent, I think we’re done here’ Jackson tells her after performing a few more routine tests because he can tell she’s getting tired again.

‘You can call me Clarke’ she tells him and Jackson smiles.

‘Okay, Clarke. I’ll leave you to rest.’ Jackson nods at Bellamy, beckoning him towards the door as he makes his way to leave.

‘I’m not often wrong, but you were right not to give up hope. I genuinely didn’t think she’d come back after this long’ Jackson tells him quietly at the door frame. Bellamy is sure Clarke can hear him, so he’s unsure why he loud whispers back.

‘She’s strong, she doesn’t back down from a fight.’

‘Well, she’s progressing nicely. Her nervous system seems intact and her mental awareness is exceptional’ Jackson smiles like he’s proud too. ‘She needs rest. She’s probably feeling tired and weak but overall, I’m happy. Her gunshot wound is healing but I might administer some stronger antibiotics tomorrow - she’s showing slight symptoms of infection but I don’t know yet, it could heal with the antibiotics she’s already on and I don’t want to pump her full of more meds if she doesn’t need it’ Jackson explains and Bellamy nods, understanding. ‘I’ll examine her again in the morning. She just needs to take it easy.’

‘Thank you, Jackson’ Bellamy says.

'You should go home and get some proper sleep' Jackson pats him on the arm before he leaves, closing the door behind him.

It’s suddenly so quiet and Bellamy turns to face Clarke. She’s watching him, waiting for him to say something but Bellamy is at a loss. He’s wanted her to wake up for the last two weeks and now he thinks the shock is setting in - he doesn’t know what to say.

Instead, Bellamy walks over to Clarke with his eyes fixed on hers and picks up her hand in his. He gives it a squeeze which she returns but he can already tell she’s struggling to stay awake again. She’s lying back on the pillow and her eyelids are fluttering.

‘Get some rest’ he whispers quietly and Clarke gives him a small, tired smile. She looks so tiny in the hospital bed but she looks miles better without all the wires and tubes.

Bellamy goes to pull away but Clarke grips a little tighter and his heart constricts. She doesn’t want him to go. His face relaxes and he kisses her hand softly.

‘I’ll be back in the morning’ Bellamy says because as much as it pains him to go, he has to. Jackson's right. He hasn’t been home since the first day they arrived back in D.C and that was only to grab a change of clothes. He needs a shower and a proper bed.

Clarke will probably sleep for the rest of the evening and she’s okay now - Bellamy can finally go home. He’s barely reached the door when Clarke has fallen back asleep and it melts Bellamy to look at her.

It’s been an ordeal, but she’s made it through - he should have known she would.

 

-

 

Bellamy doesn’t know if he has the energy for a shower, but damn, he needs one. He can’t remember the last time he hasn’t washed himself from a hospital sink, which is pretty gross. Switching on his shower, it hums to life and Bellamy undresses.

The darkness outside only grows and Bellamy is glad of the warmth that irradiates from the steam filling his bathroom because he knows the cold must be growing outside too. He wonders if it will snow.

He called Kane when he was on the way home to let him know the tests went well with Clarke and Kane told him he might call by to see her after work. She'll probably be sleeping, but at least she'll have someone there.

The hot droplets are like heaven on his skin and Bellamy takes a breath, watching the water run down his abs and into the tray below him. For ages, he can’t put his finger on what feels different until he realises it’s the absence of the tightness in his chest. It came from the moment he saw Shumway threatening Clarke in the forest and it didn’t disappear until Jackson had finished his exam this evening.

 _Fuck_ , it was the worst time of his entire life. He thought not knowing whether she was alive or not made the six years he spent without Clarke worse, but in fact, it was knowing she was probably going to die that hurt him most of all.

 

 

_‘We’re losing her again, hang another unit of blood’ the ambulance medic shouts._

_It seems like the longest journey in the world._

_Bellamy is sitting by Clarke’s head, his hand over his mouth as he tries very hard to give the medics room to work._

_One of them wanted to tend to his head wound but Bellamy wouldn’t allow it, he needed them all working on Clarke._

_‘We need to get this bleeding controlled’ another medic says as she rummages through their supplies. The ambulance rocks as they drive over wood terrain and Bellamy just can’t wait to be at the hospital. They got her breathing again at the scene but just barely._

Shit. He might actually lose her.

_He thought he’d lost her once when she left six years ago. He really thought she was dead - but this is the worst pain of all. It’s different to know someone is dead without actually having to watch them dying. He thinks it feels similar to when he thought Shumway had drown her that time. He was panicking and he felt helpless because there was nothing he could do but watch her die._

_Except this time, it’s his fault. That bullet was meant for him._

_Bellamy thinks his heart is literally splintering in his chest. He can barely look at her._

_When he does, her skin is pale from blood loss and she’s unconscious - her face just like she’s asleep. There's an oxygen mask over her mouth and the medics are trying to patch up her wound until they can help her properly in the hospital. Bellamy reaches out and rubs her hair before leaning down to her ear._

_‘Please. Please stay with me. I need you’ he whispers as his hand stills on her forehead._

_After what seems like a lifetime, the ambulance swings into the hospital and Clarke is rushed to surgery, leaving Bellamy to his own thoughts in the empty waiting room. He feels like he could be sick._

Fuck - he can’t do this.

_'Well?’ Kane breaks his train of thought after twenty minutes, practically running into the room._

_‘She’s in surgery. I don’t know’ Bellamy thinks he says but he’s not sure, he can barely concentrate on the words coming from his mouth. Bellamy runs his hands through his hair, trying hard to hold off a panic attack._

_Raven, Emori and Murphy are in the room now too and Murphy has his hand on Bellamy’s shoulder. Time seems to be skipping in sequences because Bellamy notices while he’s mid-pace that Wells and Clarke’s other team members are sitting on chairs in the waiting room now and he can’t pinpoint when they got here._

_He’s so wrapped up in everything he’s feeling and the guilt is overwhelming. He can’t stop picturing Clarke throwing herself in front of him to take the bullet and he can’t stop fucking blaming himself for not predicting that she’d do that._

Why didn’t he protect her more?

_Bellamy loses himself further in flashbacks of Clarke and their entire life together and suddenly, the room is too small and his hands are shaking._

No. He’s done. He can’t stand here and wait for her to die.

_So before Bellamy even realises he’s moving, he’s half-way out the front door of Shallow Valley General._

_'Hey!’ Raven is calling from behind him. ‘Hey, hey, hey. What are you doing?’ She catches his arm, stopping him mid-march and making him look at her._

_‘I can’t do this’ Bellamy tells her, certain in what he’s saying as he shakes his head. ‘I can’t be here.’_

_Bellamy’s t-shirt is blood stained from when he held Clarke and she had to be cut out of his jacket so he has nothing to cover his bare arms, but he is barely registering the cold. The automatic door behind him is open as it waits for him to go out, but Raven doesn’t let go of his arm._

_‘Why not?’_

_‘Raven’ Bellamy half laughs. ‘She’s going to die’ he shrugs like he’s already accepted that when really, he’s just not facing the reality of what he feels here because if he does, he’ll fall apart._

_‘You don’t know that’ Raven tells him with a furrow in her brow. ‘She’s strong. She’ll come through this.’_

_Bellamy scoffs, turning to go but Raven swings out in front of him._

_‘She never gave up on us’ she tells him and Bellamy meets her eyes. ‘I hate to admit it because there’s a part of me that’s still so pissed that she left in the first place because of what it done to you, but I was speaking to her team last night when we found them. We ran into them in the woods because they were searching for Cage - they knew he was out there. We told them that you and Clarke were missing and that Wells guy helped us form a plan’ Raven explains._

_‘We had a long wait before we could move in and Shaw told me everything. Like for the whole six years, Clarke did nothing but talk about all of us - about you’ Raven pushes her finger into his chest. ‘Every time they had a delay, they would have to re-convince Clarke to stay on the mission because she wanted to come home. She did all of this so we would be safe, so that Cage wouldn’t kill us for information on Clarke’s whereabouts. She made herself a very large target so that we’d survive, like she always did on cases. She saved us again’ Raven’s voice cracks near the end and Bellamy is breathing deeply, trying not to break down too because fuck, hearing this isn’t easy._

_‘She didn’t give up on us and now you want to give up on her?’_

_‘Raven. I can’t do this’ he annunciates because he has to repeat himself. ‘I can’t lose her, not again. If she dies…’ Bellamy trails off because he’s going to cry._

_‘Hey’ Raven catches his arm again but this time, it’s gentle and consoling like her voice. ‘If Clarke dies, it will be awful’ she tells him and a sob escapes Bellamy’s chest at this. He looks down to try and get himself together. ‘But if she dies’ Raven dips her head to catch his eye so Bellamy looks at her, tears brimming his eye line. ‘And you’re not here with her?’ Raven leaves it at that like a question and Bellamy knows what the question is:_ how will you live with yourself?

_Bellamy holds Raven’s eye for a few moments before nodding and wiping his eyes with the back of his hand._

_They return back inside together and even though the dread is still in Bellamy’s chest, he feels stronger with Raven beside him._

 

 

The shower going cold brings Bellamy back to reality and he switches it off, feeling every bit as bad as he felt that night in Shallow Valley General.

He dries and dresses into fresh boxers and a comfortable pair of grey sweatpants, but he remains topless as he goes downstairs to his kitchen.

It’s broaching on 8pm and Bellamy wonders how Clarke is doing.

He reminds himself to text Jackson in a while. He has become a good friend of Bellamy’s during this difficult time because Bellamy spent all of his time in that hospital. He took Jackson’s number because he feels like he owes him a drink after all this and he’s glad he did now - he’s sure Jackson won’t mind him texting to see how Clarke is.

Bellamy fixes himself a bowl of pasta because it’s the only thing in date in his house. It tastes unreal but then again, anything would be better than the shitty hospital food he’s been making himself eat these past two weeks. He brushes back his hair from his forehead, but on the way, he feels the small cut from the butt of Shumway’s gun that has been stitched in Shallow Valley General.

‘ _Only because of Kane_ ’ Bellamy thinks as he rolls his eyes, recollecting the memory.

 

 

_‘That needs stitching’ Emori is fussing over Bellamy’s head wound in the waiting room._

_Clarke has been in surgery for what feels like a lifetime and Bellamy is already irritated from impatience, so it causes him to swat Emori’s hand away with an angry look on his face._

_She had missed the whole ordeal as she was set up in the Shallow Valley police department, corresponding with the police there and Monty back in D.C. When she got the call from Kane to come to the hospital, Bellamy imagines her reaction was far from calm._

_She doesn’t try poke at him again but he can hear her tutting about the dried blood on his face and pretty much everywhere else. The scary thing is, hardly any of it is his. It’s all Clarke’s._

_Bellamy leans his elbows on his knees, cupping his hands over his mouth as he tries to remain seated. He’d been pacing for so long a while ago that Murphy got annoyed with Bellamy and pulled him down beside him. He also has an ache in the bottom of his stomach from lack of food because the last time he ate was yesterday morning at the station before they even left for the case. He can’t even think about food though without feeling sick._

_‘Get it stitched, Blake’ Kane mutters from his seat across the room, not looking up from his phone. He’s stroking his beard like he does when he’s thinking._

_‘It’s fine’ Bellamy says back petulantly and that’s when Kane stands up, marching out to the nurses desk and from what happens next, Bellamy imagines he asked for someone to come into the waiting room and stitch it for him there because a young intern comes rushing in a few minutes later and gets to work._

_Bellamy assumes it’s against hospital regulations but he imagines Kane didn’t hesitate in using the FBI card. The intern does a good job in stitching the wound and as he’s dressing it, he’s informing Bellamy about keeping it clean and something else about sleep deprivation and shock, but Bellamy is barely paying attention. He’s too focused on when someone is going to come into the damn room and update them on Clarke’s condition._

_That takes another two hours or so._

_‘Agents’ the doctor greets them and they all jump to their feet. Wells and the others had to leave to report to their Headquarters about the take down of their most wanted, but Bellamy heard Wells and the others pestering Raven before they left to let them know about Clarke when there was news._

_‘How is she?’ Bellamy blurts out before he can catch his breath._

_‘Agent Griffin is in recovery room 4’ the doctor says and Bellamy’s hand flies up to pinch the bridge of his nose - he can’t cry from relief yet because she’s not out of the woods, he’s not that naive to believe that._

But fuck, she’s alive.

_‘It was a difficult surgery’ the doctor continues. ‘But we managed to get the bullet out and repair the damage. However, she’s lost a lot of blood and she’s been out for a long time. Agent Blake’ the doctor addresses Bellamy directly and he looks up, willing himself to hold back the tears. ‘I believe you kept CPR going until the medics got there, but…’_

_‘She wasn’t breathing’ Bellamy finishes for him, feeling the foreboding feeling creeping back up into his chest because he doesn’t like the negative turn this whole conversation is taking. He did CPR on Clarke for so long that he felt his arms would fall off, but he couldn’t get her to take a breath._

_‘Her brain was without oxygen for quite a long time. So, I’m sorry but…’_

_Bellamy hears no more. He’s gone from the room, running up the hall towards the recovery area. He can hear Raven and the others calling after him but he can’t slow down, can’t stop his feet because he needs to see her for himself._

_Bellamy is at her room in minutes and his heart drops into his stomach._

_Clarke looks so small in the hospital bed. There’s a large intubation tube down her throat and machines are beeping all around her. The curtains are closed but there’s a dim light shining around her from the bedside lamps that shows Bellamy how pale she is. Her blonde hair, short as it is, falls over the pillow like a golden halo around her head._

_Bellamy can’t seem to move from the doorway. He hears the team come up behind him with the doctor and they fan in around him. He hears Raven gasp and Murphy curses under his breath. Emori is silent so Bellamy knows she’s trying not to cry and when Bellamy looks at Kane, his face is as it always is. The only thing giving away the turmoil he’s feeling is his posture - he’s holding the door frame for support._

_Seeing Clarke like this is having an impact on everyone._

_The doctor speaks to him and Bellamy feels it’s unwelcome in the silence between them all._

_'She might not come out of this, Agent, you have to prepare yourself.’_

_‘That’s not good enough!’ Bellamy yells and it startles the lot of them._

_‘Agent Blake, calm down’ Kane takes Bellamy’s arm but he snaps it away because no - he’s fucking angry now. Not just at the doctor, at this whole fucking thing._

_Looking back to Clarke, Bellamy cannot fucking believe this shit._

_‘I searched for her for years’ he says loudly to Kane. ‘Years, Sir. For so long, I tried to believe she was alive and let’s face it, the thought that she was dead was in all of our minds. I finally tried to move on only to have her crash back into my life six months later and yeah, we were all a little pissed about the way it happened but it is what it is. All of that to then have some bastard shoot her right in front of me?’ Bellamy gets louder the longer his rant continues._

_'She was right in front of me and I couldn’t protect her. She took a bullet that was meant for me!’ Bellamy is goddamn shouting now. He turns back to the doctor._

_‘She might not come out of this? No. That is not fucking good enough.’_

_Bellamy pushes by them all and storms off down the hall, steaming. He hears Kane’s footsteps following loudly behind him but he doesn’t catch up to him until Bellamy is almost back at the waiting room. He’s just reached a junction in the corridor when Kane grabs his arm, making him face him._

_‘I know you’re upset’ Kane sounds sympathetic but firm. ‘But you are an FBI agent and you represent this task force, so you will have some kind of decorum when…’_

_‘Not anymore’ Bellamy interrupts him, snapping his arm away for the second time tonight. He fishes into his pants pocket and pulls out his badge that was left with him, even when Shumway took his phone, earpiece and gun away. He shoves it into Kane’s chest._

_'I quit’ he tells him as Kane grabs hold of his badge. Bellamy holds Kane’s lingering, shocked gaze for a few moments more before turning and striding off again._

_Bellamy walked the hospital for a while with a final location nowhere in mind, but eventually he ended up back at Clarke’s room._

_He always ends up back with her in some way or another._

_He’s been standing at her doorway for about twenty minutes now and he still can’t find it within himself to go over to her. The team have gone back to the waiting room and as Bellamy passed by earlier, he heard Kane on the phone to the hospital back in D.C about getting Clarke transferred back home._

_He’s not really sure if he’s supposed to be here. The room is so quiet except for the beeping of machines and Bellamy has swallowed the lump in his throat too many times to count at this point. Clarke is lying here struggling for her life - because of him._

_As he watches her lie motionless in the bed, he can’t help but think back on the whole ordeal. His heart thuds so loud in his chest as the memory grips him that he can barely breathe._

_It drums in Bellamy’s ears, each thump bringing the sequence of events that caused Clarke to be in this state. It feels like he’s time jumping - each memory is so vivid that it’s like he’s reliving it._

Thump.

_Bellamy is crunching through the light snow in Shallow Valley National Park. The place is silent and the sky is grey, but his anger lights up his entire body. He’s fuming over last night - he felt guilty about how it happened, but he was so sure she wouldn’t want to stay with Wells afterwards._

_He’s keeping a good distance from Clarke but instinctively, he looks over his shoulder for her. She’s fallen behind so Bellamy stops and turns._

_Something’s wrong._

_Is she swaying?_

_She falls against a tree and Bellamy is about to make a burst back for her when he sees a man approaching her - catching glimpses of him as he flicks through the trees._

Thump.

_It’s cold in the bunker but Clarke is touching his temple and setting him on fire, telling him things that are breaking his heart because fuck, it sounds like she’s trying to tell him how to live without her here._

_‘I’ve got you for that.’_

Thump.

_Clarke is frantic. All sense of logic and ‘using her head’ is gone._

_It feels like a blur but all of a sudden, she’s falling against Bellamy because she’s been shot from a bullet meant for him._

_‘I need a medic!’ Bellamy is screaming as he lies Clarke back. He can see Raven and Murphy racing towards them from the tree line along with some other people he’s never seen before. They look like agents. Scratch that, he knows the one in front._

_Wells._

_‘Don’t go anywhere, Princess’ he says, focusing back on her as he applies pressure to her wound. Her blood is spilling out through his fingers and Bellamy’s heart is racing - fuck, it’s too much blood. He can’t contain it. When he checks Clarke’s face, it’s relaxed and she’s smiling._

_Why is she smiling?_

_‘There’s worse ways to go’ she whispers and she closes her eyes, almost like she’s just falling asleep._

_‘No, no, no, no’ Bellamy shouts. He starts CPR but he doesn’t know how because he’s weak from panic. ‘Come on, Clarke’ he pants out as he pumps her chest._

_‘Bellamy’ Murphy is suddenly over him. ‘Let me do it’ he says because it must be obvious how frazzled and worn Bellamy is over everything._

_‘Where are the damn medics?’ Bellamy yells, his voice high in pitch as he ignores Murphy unintentionally. He can hear Raven repeat into her communicator that they need the medics here fast and after what feels like a lifetime, Bellamy finally hears the sirens._

_‘They’re here. You can stop’ Wells tells Bellamy after a few minutes but Bellamy ignores him. He can’t stop - it’s like muscle memory now and his body won’t quit even though his arms are aching, even though the medics are over them now telling Bellamy to move._

_He can’t._

_Clarke hasn’t fucking taken a breath since she closed her eyes so it feels impossible for him to stop._

_‘Let them help her, man’ Wells pulls Bellamy up by his arm and the medics swarm in as they set up a defibrillator. Bellamy can’t control himself - the guilt and anger and jealousy rises within him now that his physical focus is gone and he pushes Wells so hard that he almost loses his footing._

_Bellamy’s heart is fucking broken - Clarke is dead and he couldn’t protect her._

_‘This is your fault’ Bellamy shifts blame because fuck, Clarke was on Cage’s mission with Wells and he needs someone to take this out on._

_‘Bellamy!’ Raven shouts at him. Wells just keeps looking back to Clarke to see if the medics can revive her but Bellamy feels irrational - he doesn’t even want him doing that. He shoves him again._

_'Man, back the hell up’ Wells snaps as he points his finger at him._

_‘Who do you think you are?’ Bellamy yells. Wells is tall and well-built but it doesn’t intimidate Bellamy in the least. He’d take on the whole world right now._

_‘I’m her brother!’ Wells shouts back and this shut’s Bellamy right up -_ fuck, _he didn’t expect that. Bellamy stares at him in shock for a few moments before scrubbing his face with his hand, feeling so fucking stupid now because he spent so long being jealous and petty over nothing._

_‘We have a pulse, she’s breathing’ Bellamy hears one of the medics say and his breath hitches, distracting him from the whole scenario with Wells._

_He can’t believe it._

_They put Clarke on a stretcher, getting her ready to transport her to the ambulance parked on the stretch of road through the trees and Bellamy has to process all of his relief, guilt and pain in a matter of thirty seconds before they’re moving._

Thump.

_Bellamy is back in Clarke’s hospital room and the tears are starting to run down his face of their own free will. His heart is hammering through his rib cage but he forces himself to take the steps necessary to reach her bedside._

_This is harder than he thought it would be._

_With a shaking hand, Bellamy reaches out and picks up hers as he sits down beside her on the bed._

_‘I’m so sorry Princess’ his voice cracks, sounding shot and hoarse from emotion. ‘I’m so fucking sorry.’_

_He leans over and kisses her gently on her forehead. She’s warmer than she felt in the ambulance but she’s still unresponsive._

_Bellamy’s tears are coming in bulk now and he can feel the massive sobs shake his whole body because Clarke might not come out of this and fucking hell, she might die because of him - but worst of all, he might not get to tell her that he loves her too._

 

 

Bellamy lets his fork fall into his bowl with a loud clatter, shoving the rest of his pasta away because he’s not hungry anymore. He just wants to go back to the hospital and sit with Clarke like he’s done for the last two weeks.

When she wakes up and can concentrate for more than a few minutes, he can tell her that he loves her - because of course he does. He dreamt of her saying it so many times when she was gone for those six years but to hear her say it in real life, even in the most unromantic of circumstances - it was life altering and soul shattering. He didn’t even get time to tell her that he feels the same because the shooting began.

Bellamy moves from the kitchen to his living room couch, telling himself that he’ll give himself another half an hour before he goes back to the hospital. He’ll stay with Clarke again tonight because it feels weird to sleep without her in the room now.

Sleep is probably a stretch of the word - he didn’t get much sleep sitting on her bedside chair with his head on her blankets beside her hand, or with the nurses coming in to check on Clarke every few hours, or with the beeping of the machines, or with the worry in his head.

The team tried to visit when they could and he often saw members of Clarke’s other team sift in and out, but Bellamy’s presence was constant. He held Clarke’s hand and spoke to her about random things, just so she would hear his voice - if she could.

Wells sat outside her room often, waiting for Bellamy to stretch his legs around the hospital or go down to the cafeteria. He hasn't spoken to him since the scene but Bellamy always gave him time with Clarke and Wells always respected Bellamy’s space.

Jackson was a constant friendly face and a welcomed companion but there were days when Bellamy just couldn’t face anyone. He just wanted to be alone with Clarke - he just wanted her to wake up.

Different doctors for different things came to check on her some days and they never failed to remind Bellamy that the longer Clarke stayed in this condition, the less likely it became that she would wake up. This didn’t serve Bellamy’s depressive mood at all.

 

 

_It’s a particularly bad day._

_Bellamy has been hearing nothing but negativity from the doctors and even Jackson is doubting Clarke’s recovery today. She’s been unconscious longer than they predicted._

_Bellamy is sitting at Clarke’s bedside, like always. He’s holding her hand, like always. She’s so fucking beautiful._

_Like always._

_‘Bellamy?’ Monty is at the door, watching Clarke from there. He comes every second day or so, but Bellamy knows he finds it difficult to see her like this. The intubation tube is huge and the wires and machines make the whole thing look awful._

_Bellamy stands up, pushing his food table away. The food is untouched on it because fuck - it is a really, really awful day for him. He feels like he could cry at any second._

_‘Kane said you needed to have your resignation notice signed’ Monty says softly as he takes a step to come in, holding the notice in his hand._

_‘He said I had until Friday’ Bellamy mutters, not taking his eyes off of Clarke because he doesn’t want to be thinking about paperwork right now._

_‘It’s Sunday’ Monty tells him, furrowing his brow with worry. Bellamy sighs, rubbing his eyes with one hand. ‘Bellamy, you haven’t been home in days, let me stay with her. You go home and sleep.’_

_‘Monty, for the last time, I’m not going anywhere. Stay if you want but I’m not going home.’_

_He wishes they’d all stop telling him to go. He went home the day they got back to D.C to get a change of clothes - that was enough. Clarke needs him here at the hospital. He needs to be here._

_'The doctor said at this point, the chances of her…’_

_Like a switch has been tripped, Bellamy flips the swinging table that holds his food. Bits of potato and vegetables go flying around the floor, rolling under Clarke’s bed. The plate cracks into pieces and his water glass smashes off the ground. The table itself creates such a crashing sound that the nurses at the station across from Clarke’s room jump._

_That action really wasn’t necessary, but if Bellamy hears anymore about her chances or the fact she might not wake up, he’ll go insane._

_‘Okay, I know you’re upset but you standing here flipping tables isn’t helping Clarke’ Monty says, looking at Bellamy like he’s going to break._

_Bellamy takes a deep breath and collapses back down on his chair beside Clarke’s bed in silence. He covers his face with his hands and presses them against his eyes, trying to contain himself. His anger has faded but it’s been quickly replaced by tears behind his fingers._

_Monty doesn’t say anything else but he comes over and hugs Bellamy from an awkward angle and Bellamy just lets him, lost in the despair inside himself._

_‘We can’t lose Clarke’ he utters and Monty bends down on his hunkers beside him. ‘I can’t lose her.’_

_Monty’s eyes dip in sadness and he gives Bellamy’s shoulder a squeeze._

_‘Maybe she just needs more time’ Monty says, more positive now. ‘Sometimes, the body needs longer to recover. Especially when the trauma has been dramatic.’_

_At this, Bellamy feels himself smiling because typical Monty - always so clever._

_‘Is there anything you don’t know?’_

_They both chuckle and Bellamy wipes his tears with the back of his hand. He hopes Monty is right._

 

 

Bellamy must have nodded off on his couch because his phone ringing startles him. He’s woken so suddenly that it takes him a few moments to realise he’s not in the hospital.

It’s completely dark in his living room so Bellamy knows he’s been asleep for far too long.

_Fuck._

He had wanted to text Jackson about Clarke. Hell, he wanted to go back to the damn hospital.

_How could he fall asleep?_

‘Hello?’ Bellamy answers his phone, still half dazed. His grey sweatpants are keeping his bottom half warm but his top half is freezing without some cover.

‘Bellamy, what are we preparing for here? We’re on the way over to the hospital now. Is Kane alright?’ Raven says on the other end. He can hear sirens in the background.

‘What are you talking about?’ Bellamy shoots up, concerned.

‘Aren’t you at the hospital?’

‘No, I’m at home. Raven, what’s wrong?’ Bellamy is panicking now. He’s up off the couch, rooting through his laundry basket for a clean t-shirt. He finds a black one and throws it on while still holding the phone to his ear.

‘Are you calling Bellamy?’ He hears Murphy in the background. ‘Kane told us not to!’

Bellamy hangs up. He’s wasting time here. Something’s wrong and it’s to do with Clarke - otherwise Kane wouldn’t have told them not to tell him.

He pulls on a black hoodie from his hallway hook along with his trainers by the door. Grabbing his keys, he’s out into the cold night air faster than anything.

He should never have left her.

Skidding into the hospital grounds in his SUV, Bellamy knows he’s definitely violated several traffic laws on the way here. He abandons his vehicle in the parking lot and races into the hospital. Agents that worked in Area 12 with him are dotted around the lobby and they don’t stop him from racing up the stairs towards Clarke’s room.

As he turns the corridor, Bellamy sees Kane in the distance shouting orders at the nurses and Jackson about staying back and Raven, Murphy, Monty and Emori are staring in Clarke’s window.

There’s a crowd of hospital staff blocking Bellamy’s way but he storms through them and Kane spots him instantly.

‘Who the hell called Blake?’ He asks loudly. Raven looks sheepishly down at the floor, biting her lip.

‘More like why the fuck wasn’t I called immediately?’ Bellamy yells as he gets closer and closer. ‘What’s going on?’

‘Agent, do not let him pass that line’ Kane instructs Connor, an agent Bellamy has worked with in Area 12, who is nearer to Bellamy than Kane is. Connor stands in front of him, blocking his path but Bellamy is in his face in seconds.

‘If you value your life, you’ll get out of my way’ he says through gritted teeth. Connor works his jaw, looking down at the floor because he’s intimidated and caught between a rock and a hard place. Kane is his Director but Bellamy will kill him. Connor knows how close he is to Clarke.

‘You have two options, Kane’ Bellamy calls out over Connor’s shoulder. ‘Let me pass or I start swinging.’

Kane rolls his eyes, shaking his head.

‘Let him through.’

As Bellamy pounds towards them, Kane matches his strides to meet him before he can get any closer.

‘Blake, this is not a situation you are cleared to be in. You resigned, you’re sleep deprived, you’re too emotional and for some reason, you and Griffin both seem to think it’s alright to abandon every sense of the word protocol when there’s a situation with each other. We have it handled’ Kane blocks him a few yards from her window.

It’s a lie made to coddle him. None of them have a plan of action here for whatever is happening.

‘Looks that way with all of you congregating in the hallway looking lost’ Bellamy says sarcastically. ‘What the fuck is going on?’

Kane sighs.

‘Clarke has an infection.’

Bellamy almost laughs.

‘And that needs an armed force of agents down here?’

‘It’s a bad one, Bellamy’ Kane lands him with a serious tone and it knocks the wind out of Bellamy. At his face change, Kane continues. ‘I was visiting her and Jackson was trying to administer some stronger antibiotics because she was starting to talk nonsense. She was trying to tell me that Cage is still alive and she’s still in danger.’

Bellamy can feel his heart rate rise faster and his stomach flips with worry.

‘She then started to believe that Jackson was working with Cage and that’s why she isn’t getting better. That he’s giving her drugs to keep her tired and unconscious. So she wouldn’t let him give her the antibiotics. I tried holding her to help Jackson but she grabbed my gun from it’s holster.’

Bellamy has gone pale.

‘She took a shot at me but missed. She now thinks we’re all with Cage’ Kane tells him and Bellamy shakes his head.

‘Clarke wouldn’t think that.’

‘Jackson said between the trauma of the past couple of weeks and the severity of her fever from the infection, anything is possible in Clarke’s mind right now.’

Raven and the others are watching Bellamy, waiting for him to react and Jackson is standing by the nurses station with his hand on his head, watching him too with an apologetic look on his face. Bellamy knows what that look is saying: _he should have given her the stronger medication the minute he noticed the infection._

Bellamy doesn’t blame him - he couldn’t have known it would get this bad.

This is really happening.

Bellamy feels his extremities go numb but yet a surge of strength comes over him.

‘I need to be in there’ he mutters, shoving Kane out of the way. Everything else is just echoes and blurs because Kane is following him, shouting about being unarmed and unprotected but Bellamy barely hears him.

‘She won’t shoot me’ Bellamy says as he gets to her window. Raven and the others clear space for him and he sees her.

Time slows down and everything is muffled. Clarke is standing at the wall by the outside window in her hospital gown. It’s blood stained near her rib cage and there’s a small pool of blood at her feet, dripping steady from her surgery wound.

She’s ripped her stitches.

Her legs are apart and her arms are outstretched, aiming Kane’s gun at the door. Her IV is pulled out and she’s shaking. Sweat is glistening on her skin and Bellamy can see how high of a fever she’s running from where he stands. Her eyes are wild, ferrel.

Her blonde hair is almost stuck to her forehead and she’s paler than Bellamy can remember ever seeing her. Her eyes meet Bellamy’s at the window and she furrows her brow, looking confused. His heart almost falls out of his chest at the sight of her.

‘And she shot you before, remember?’ Kane must finish his rant but Bellamy hasn’t heard a word of what he’s said before that.

‘In New York?’ Bellamy looks at Kane. ‘That was different. She did that to protect me.’

‘She did that to protect herself, so you wouldn’t arrest her. Now she’s hallucinating and sick, Bellamy. So you better believe she’s protecting herself again.’

Raven, Murphy, Emori and Monty watch the exchange but they don’t dare weigh in. They won’t defy Kane but they know Bellamy needs to do this.

‘She needed to run, to get Cage before he got to us. You know this - hell, you know her! Everything she’s done, she’s done for us - for me. And now I need to do this for her. You’ll see, she’ll disarm for me’ Bellamy is shouting now. He knows Clarke will disarm, he knows she needs him.

‘Raven already tried to get her to disarm. Clarke took another shot and missed.’

‘If Clarke missed, it was on purpose’ Bellamy says. ‘And all due respect, but Clarke isn’t in love with Raven.’

The whole hallway goes quiet and Kane’s eyebrows raise a little at this.

‘I don’t know if she’ll even recognise who you are’ Kane says, softer now. ‘She’s not herself. She thinks we’re all with Cage.’

‘She _knows_ me. Let me try.’ Bellamy’s not really asking for permission because he’s already making his way towards her door.

He opens it slowly and silence falls through the corridor again. He sees the gun first, shaking in Clarke’s hand as she points it at him from a distance. Her breathing is rapid and she looks worse than she did through the window.

Bellamy closes the door behind him with a soft click, breaking the delicate silence in the room.

He stands at it for a few moments as he tries to swallow the lump in his throat. His heart is thumping so loudly that he’s certain the whole hospital can hear it and he tries to regulate his own breathing.

Clarke does nothing. She just stares at Bellamy from her position at the window. He can see the moon shining behind her which is the only thing illuminating the muted darkness in the room right now. All the lights are shut off.

The tender quiet is so deep that when Bellamy speaks, his voice cuts through it like a knife.

‘Hey sweet girl, what’s been going on?’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am honestly blown away by all the comments both on here and on Tumblr that I've been receiving, especially as the story grows. I love hearing everyone's responses so please be sure to leave me a comment here or message me on Tumblr! Thank you all so much.  
>   
> Please share the fic on Tumblr if you've stayed with me this far and enjoy reading :)  
> [Here's the link.](http://eyessharpweaponshot.tumblr.com/post/183838375314/lose-you-too-bellarke-fbicriminal-mindsthe)


	17. Let Your Love Surround Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is from the song 'Can You Hold Me' by 'NF'.  
> I've gotten a few requests to include the songs that the titles are based off of so I've gone back and popped them in the chapter notes of each one in case any of you want to give the songs a listen. They usually apply to each chapter quite well!

* * *

Clarke is cold, but she’s sweating. If that’s not an oxymoron, she doesn’t know what is.

She can’t remember exactly how she came to be standing with her back against the wall with Kane’s gun in her hand, threatening to shoot anyone who comes through the door - but here she is.

She knows she’s in danger. Cage is out there somewhere - she’s caught glimpses of him passing the nurses station a few times. He’s waiting for her.

The outside window seems the only plausible means of escape right now. The cars from the carpark below look like insects so she can’t jump - it’s too high of a fall. But she could shimmy across the ledge and see where it takes her. It's probably futile, though. Clarke imagines that Cage has the entire place swarming with his men and she’s in no condition to fight, not by herself anyway.

Blood is dripping steadily from her surgery wound and Clarke knows she has ripped her stitches, but the pain is hardly there. She’s not exactly dressed for a quick getaway either - how far would she get in her bare feet and a hospital gown?

She’s unplugged the machines so no sound resides in the room with her only her thumping heart. Her IV lies on the bed after she plucked it from her arm so she’s not being drugged anymore.

Whatever he was giving her was making her too tired to focus and concentrate. Cage wants her alive so it’s why she was taken into surgery, but he doesn't want her well enough to fight him. Clarke just didn’t imagine that Kane would have been in on it all along.

Shumway told her it was ALIE who made sure they were assigned to the case in Shallow Valley National Park, but Clarke is starting to wonder if it was Kane since the start. It's too much of a coincidence now that she's tying it together. It seems to make perfect sense in her head.

Clarke looks to the inside window which shows her the nurses station. She can see Kane shouting instructions at the hospital staff.

He’s definitely calling the shots.

Raven, Murphy, Emori and Monty are suddenly standing by the window, watching her with concerned looks on their faces.

_Why are they here?_

Clarke’s heart clenches and just for a moment, she wonders if there’s something else wrong.

_Is she actually sick like Kane and the doctor said? Is that why she’s acting like this?_

_No_. She can’t take that chance. She needs to be alert - she can’t be sedated or bed bound. Not until she’s sure of what’s happening here.

After a few minutes, Raven opens her door.

‘Clarke?’ She comes into the room slowly, her arms by her side. ’It’s me. It’s Raven.’

‘Raven, we need to get out of here’ Clarke is practically gasping. Her breathing stills immediately though when she catches a glimpse of Raven’s gun, hiding in her hand.

_What? She’s in on this too?_

Of course she is. They all are. Why else would Kane let them just stand out there, free in the hallway?

‘Clarke, this isn’t…’

‘Where’s Bellamy?’ Clarke interrupts her because _fuck_ , she’s really in trouble here.

_How could she have trusted them?_

She’s sick to her stomach.

‘He’s already dead, isn’t he?’ Clarke hears herself say next, lip trembling. Her mind is foggy - the sedation is probably still wearing off but she knows Bellamy, of all people, wouldn’t let them do this to her. Her mind is clear enough to know that. So he must be gone. She can’t fall apart right now, though. She needs to get out of here.

‘Clarke’ Raven says, lifting her gun because Clarke has straightened her arm, locking it so she has a better hold of her own. ‘Put the gun down’ Raven utters. ‘You have an infection, it needs to be treated. What’s going on in your head - it’s not real, Clarke.’

‘You’re right, this isn’t real. This hospital, my ‘infection’ - you are all working for him’ Clarke shouts, feeling the beads of sweat run down her forehead. ‘Get out.’

Raven chances another step towards her so Clarke shoots. Even though her hands are shaking, she doesn’t miss her target - the wall behind Raven.

The bang of the gunshot erupts through the entire hospital floor and the nurses and doctors duck in the corridor. Their gasps and soft shouts echo through the hallway from their surprise. Clarke can see Kane and the others ushering them to safety, probably behind an invisible barrier line away from Clarke’s room. Murphy makes a dart towards her door with his gun drawn and opens it, covering Raven in case Clarke tries to take another shot.

Raven has taken several steps back, staring at Clarke in disbelief.

‘Get out!’ Clarke yells again and Raven obeys, backing out and closing the door quickly behind her and Murphy.

Clarke feels like she could pass out - _fuck_ , she hopes whatever is in her system passes soon. Time seems to be passing in bursts and she’s unsure how long she’s been standing here, how long since Raven and Murphy have been in the room - or how long she’s got left before she collapses.

Clarke refocuses on finding an escape route and she’s just looking up at the vent system when she hears the commotion outside her room.

‘You are not going in there! You are unarmed and unprotected’ Kane is shouting, his voice drawing closer to her room. Raven and the others move from their position at the window to make room for someone and Clarke's legs almost give way when she hears him.

‘She won’t shoot me.’

Bellamy’s voice appears before he does and in a matter of seconds, he’s at her window - Clarke’s heart feels like it could stop.

_He’s alive. And he’s here._

His black curls are a hot mess on his head and dark shadows reside under his eyes like he’s been lacking in sleep. He’s dressed in grey sweatpants and a black hoodie and his eyes are soft, like they often are when he looks at her.

_How is he here?_

He’s looking at Kane now, brow furrowed as he talks. They’re not speaking loud enough to be heard now but Clarke can tell Bellamy is arguing with Kane. She trusts Bellamy and if he was a threat to helping Clarke escape, wouldn’t Kane have him removed?

_Wouldn’t Cage have him dead already?_

Things aren’t adding up.

‘Hell, you know her!’ Bellamy is getting louder, his shouts reverberating through her walls. ‘Everything she’s done, she’s done for us - for me. And now, I need to do this for her’ he’s yelling. ‘You’ll see, she’ll disarm for me.’

There’s another exchange of sentences and then the mood changes completely in the corridor. Kane’s eyebrows raise so whatever Bellamy has said has shocked them all. He’s then making his way towards her door and when he opens it, Clarke locks her arm again to try and steady her gun but she’s shaking more than ever now because _fuck_ , she doesn’t know what she’s doing.

Reality is starting to come back to her in bits and pieces - almost like there’s breaks within the fog in her brain. She has flashbacks of Bellamy kissing her forehead before the doctors come in to take the intubation tube out, of Cage falling dead on the snow and of Bellamy telling her he’d be back in the morning.

_Fuck, what is happening to her? Are they real?_

Bellamy is standing by the closed door and the silence is so thick in the air that it almost deafens Clarke. His hair is messy and his curls fall where they may. She knows he’s come straight from sleep, like someone called him to inform him on what was happening.

It’s him. It’s really him.

He’s gorgeous - even after just waking up.

‘Hey sweet girl’ Bellamy says in that voice of his that makes Clarke go weak. ‘What’s been going on?’

His eyes are anchored on her - that much is obvious, even in the muted darkness.

‘Bellamy’ Clarke breathes, dropping her gun very slightly. He takes a step forward and when he’s sure she isn’t raising her gun any higher, he takes another.

‘I need to take that, Princess, alright?’ He says softly, holding out his hand for her weapon. Clarke hesitates, gripping it tighter momentarily but she fights herself on it - this is Bellamy, she knows him.

Clarke glances out into the hallway and Kane and the others are standing by the window, watching the exchange with anxious eyes.

A doctor is standing by the nurses station but they’ve moved everyone else out of the line of fire.

There’s other agents dotted around them but they’re all agents from Area 12. They’re not Cage’s men.

Raven’s hands are up to her mouth and Murphy is biting his nail, clearly nervous for Bellamy in here with a mad woman. Emori and Monty are staring at her with desperation in their eyes - clearly concerned that this won’t go the way they want it to.

Bellamy has stopped a few feet away from Clarke and she is glancing from him to the window, where all her friends are standing. She’s afraid.

‘Clarke’ Bellamy whispers in the quiet. ‘You really think I’d let anyone hurt you?’

He’s half smiling at the stupidity of that question because it’s meant to sound ridiculous, and in fairness, it does. Bellamy would never let anything happen to Clarke.

Clarke feels like breaking down. If she’s been hallucinating and making this whole thing up, that means that she’s unwell.

Something is wrong and everyone was just trying to help her.

'You’re sick, Princess. That's what's causing this' he tells her gently.

‘It feels so real’ Clarke says brokenly and even though Bellamy doesn’t say anything back, his eyes reveal how sad he feels for her. ‘It feels like he’s still out there’ Clarke tells him, referring to Cage.

‘He’s not. I promise you’ Bellamy says, his voice full of certainty. She wants to believe him but there’s still that doubt in her mind. There’s still that ‘what if.’

Bellamy takes another step towards her and Clarke takes a breath, letting him come.

_She needs to trust him. Like always._

He puts his hand on her gun, pushing it down from the air but when he closes his fingers around it to take it, Clarke hesitates and doesn’t release her grip.

‘Baby’ Bellamy whispers. ‘I won’t let anything bad happen to you.’

It’s the ‘baby’ that does it. It melts her every time.

Clarke slowly lets go, feeling her breath catch in her chest when her weapon is gone from her grasp completely.

The first thought that comes to her mind is that she's defenceless now. The second one is that she's not. She has Bellamy.

She falls into his arms that are already open to take her, enveloping her in a hug and she can feel the sobs shaking her entire body. Her head is to his chest and she feels like she’s crying everything out - the six years she’s been gone and this whole ordeal.

His smell surrounds her and grounds her - it’s home.

Clarke hears the door open and Bellamy removes one of his arms from around her quickly without looking back. He holds it out behind him so Kane can take the gun from him. It’s done rapidly, almost like Kane feels like he had seconds to take it before all hell broke lose again.

Bellamy’s lips are against Clarke’s head as she cries and once the gun is gone, he returns his hand to her and places it at the side of her hair, cradling her head closer to him.

‘It’s alright, baby’ he whispers softly, repeating it like a prayer into her ear over and over.

When Clarke opens her eyes, she can see Kane over Bellamy’s shoulder. His face is full of sorrow as he meets Clarke’s eye, that and relief. Murphy is leaning against the frame of her door, watching Bellamy comfort her. Raven and Emori are behind Kane near Clarke’s bed, relief plastered all over their faces too. Monty is behind them with a soft smile on his face. If they didn’t know before that Bellamy and Clarke had a connection that stretches further than partners, they definitely know now.

After a few minutes, Clarke falls quiet because she can’t cry anymore and at this point, Bellamy is practically holding her up because she feels so weak.

‘We need to start a fresh IV’ a doctor is saying but it sounds like it’s been said through cotton to Clarke’s ears now.

Something about antibiotics and fluids is said and some more sentences about new stitches are thrown around too but all Clarke can fathom is how warm she’s feeling. Her forehead is drenched from sweat and time seems to move quickly with patches of it missing.

Somehow, Clarke is back in bed and the doctor is administering drugs through her new IV.

For a moment, the panic grips her again because _shit_ , he’s giving her drugs and then she hears something about anti-psychotics for post traumatic stress - _fuck_ , it’s too much. It must show in her eyes because Bellamy is holding her hand now, telling her it’s okay. His brown eyes calm her and he kisses her hand, stroking it gently with his thumb.

‘It’s best if she sleeps’ the doctor is saying.

‘I’m not leaving her’ Bellamy looks up at him, squeezing her hand but after that, Clarke doesn’t remember anything only falling asleep.

 

-

 

It’s early afternoon when Clarke opens her eyes. Bellamy is on a chair beside her bed with his head resting on the blankets beside her hand as he holds it. His breathing is even - he’s asleep. All Clarke can see is his mop of curls because his face is turned away from her.

A nurse is on her other side checking Clarke’s IV quietly.

‘You had a good sleep, Agent. Almost 32 hours’ she whispers. Clarke feels so much better - she’s not as tired and even though her wound is sore, she’s no longer running a fever.

Clarke looks back at Bellamy - he’s still in the same clothes.

‘He hasn’t left’ the nurse smiles knowingly, as if reading Clarke’s thoughts. ‘He’s a good one’ she finishes, scribbling something down in Clarke’s chart before turning to leave. ‘The doctor will be in shortly’ she says before she closes the door. The sound of it shutting wakes Bellamy, his head popping up from her bed. He looks at the door before looking at Clarke, realising she’s awake.

‘Hey’ he says quickly, getting up from his chair and sitting up on her bed so he’s closer to her. ‘How do you feel?’ He tucks a piece of her hair behind her ear and Clarke fights the blush.

‘Embarrassed’ she says honestly because fuck, she shot at Kane and Raven and made a massive scene and drama.

‘Hey’ Bellamy squeezes her hand. ‘Don’t worry about that. You’ve been through a lot and you were sick.’

‘I shot at our Director’ Clarke groans, squeezing her eyes shut in shame.

‘You only did what the rest of us wanted to do a million times’ Bellamy jokes, smiling lightly at her but when Clarke groans again, he chuckles. ‘No, come on. He understands’ Bellamy tells her. ‘Jackson said it was a combination of PTSD and symptoms from the infection. It wasn’t you.’

Clarke is watching him speak to her and she realises it’s moments like these where she can’t even comprehend how much she loves Bellamy Blake.

She loves him so much when he does something so ordinary. It’s in his gesturing when he talks or it’s the way his face goes when she’s made him laugh. Love isn’t one big thing, Clarke realises then. It’s made up of small moments like these that make you fall in love even more.

She takes a breath, wanting to say so much to him but she’s stopped when the team come through the door.

‘The nurse told us you were awake’ Emori is the first one in, beaming with relief. Bellamy shifts off the bed to make room and Clarke immediately misses the warmth of his hand on hers. Emori bends down and gives her a hug.

‘You almost gave us a stroke’ Murphy says lightly from the end of her bed. ‘Can you stay out of trouble for like five minutes?’

Raven and Kane follow in next and Clarke almost trips over herself trying to get the words out.

‘Sir, Raven - I am so sorry, I…’ she starts but Kane holds his hand up.

‘It never happened.’

‘Yeah, don’t sweat it’ Raven smiles. ‘Call it payback for me being a bitch to you when you came home.’

‘Stop making me laugh’ Clarke catches her side as she chuckles because _fuck_ , that hurts.

‘How are we doing, Agent?’ Jackson swings in around the door and smiles when he sees Clarke sitting up and alert. ‘You’re looking better.’

‘I feel better, thank you’ she tells him. ‘I’m sorry for everything.’

‘Don’t worry, Agent’ Jackson smiles as he checks his chart. ‘I’ve seen a lot worse.’

‘Call me Clarke’ she reminds him lightly because he’s clearly done so much for her, they should be on a first name basis. He smirks at this before he starts his workup.

The team give him room to examine her, waiting over by the outside window. He inspects her stitches and hums in satisfaction that her wound is healing well.

‘Surprised I’m not shoving Bellamy over for room’ Jackson jokes, not taking his eyes off her stitches as he studies them.

‘Easy’ Bellamy chides, smirking at them from where he leans against the windowsill.

‘Agent Blake is very stubborn’ Clarke joins in the mockery, smirking back at him.

‘He’s just plain old Mr. Blake now that he’s quit. You don’t get to keep the title, you know’ Murphy says it as a tease but Clarke’s face drops.

‘What?’

It’s only then that the team seems to realise that Clarke hasn’t been involved in this story.

‘You quit your job?’ Clarke watches Bellamy, waiting for an answer as Jackson listens to her heartbeat with his stethoscope.

‘I was gonna tell you’ he meets her gaze, his tone soft but serious. ‘Can we talk about it later?’

Clarke waits a moment before nodding, trying to process it all too quickly. She’s sad for him, she thinks. She doesn’t want this whole thing to take him away from the job he loves.

Yeah, it was dangerous and yeah she almost died - but being an agent is what Bellamy lives for and she doesn’t want to turn him off of that.

‘So’ Jackson says, changing the subject back to medicine. ‘I’d like to keep you for another few days but the stronger antibiotics seem to be doing the job of removing the infection. I’m confident it was just exhaustion and the infection combined with PTSD that caused the incident the other day, but I’d still recommend therapy. There’s no need to continue on the anti-psychotics unless the episodes keeps recurring, but you need to talk it out with someone anyway.’

‘I’d really just like to go home’ Clarke tells him, not wanting to think about therapy or anything of the sorts. She just wants to sit down in her own house and talk to Bellamy. Jackson sighs.

‘I can’t make you stay’ Jackson tells her. ‘But I’d appreciate you even staying one more night.’

Clarke blows out the air in her chest, nodding her head in agreement because it’s the least she can do for Jackson after everything.

‘Thank you’ he smiles, nodding at her. ‘We’ll talk about you going home tomorrow. Okay, well just an hour longer and then let her rest’ he points at the team and they murmur their acknowledgements of this back at him before Jackson leaves, flicking through her chart as he goes.

The team come back over, pulling up chairs and seating places where they can and they fall into easy conversation with Clarke, telling her what she’s missed and catching her up on Wells and the others. They are going to come and see her soon now that they know she’s awake.

Raven has kept Shaw updated on her condition, including the incident the other night. Clarke smirks inwardly when she hears this because they seem to be contacting one another more than necessary and Clarke gives herself an imaginary pat on the back - she was right, they’re well suited and she didn’t even have to introduce them herself. Fate did that job for her.

Bellamy is quiet and lets the others talk to Clarke, but she catches his eye often and it’s comforting to even know he’s here.

The team do as their told and stay for just a little over an hour before Kane starts instructing them that they need to go to work. They have no cases for another few days but they still have research and paperwork to do, so in turn they say their goodbyes.

Bellamy hangs back after they’ve gone.

_Suppose he doesn’t have the job to go to anymore._

He takes a seat on the side of her bed and when Kane closes the door behind him, they sit in silence for a few moments before Clarke speaks.

‘You quit’ she states but it sounds like a question. She needs an explanation but instead, he just nods.

‘Why?’

‘Because it’s not worth it. Not when shit like that can happen’ Bellamy looks down at his hands, fidgeting.

‘Shit like that has always happened’ Clarke tells him, furrowing her brow. ‘What’s so different now?’

Bellamy raises his head to look at her, sweeping his gaze across her features. He doesn’t get to answer her because Wells knocks on the door.

‘Am I interrupting?’ He says as he pokes his head in.

 _‘Yes, get out’_ is Clarke’s first thought but she doesn’t voice it. She hasn’t seen Wells since the day she was shot and hasn’t spoken to him since her last day in New York - she misses her brother. But she wants to finish this conversation with Bellamy worse than badly.

‘No, come in’ Bellamy gets up, straightening his hoodie as he pulls at it. Wells does as he’s told, but he’s watching Bellamy warily. Clarke notices the tension immediately.

‘I’m sorry’ Bellamy says like he notices it too. ‘About the day in Shallow Valley.’

Clarke furrows her brow, confused.

‘Don’t worry’ Wells shakes his head, his hands in his pockets. ‘Emotions running high and all that. I get it.’

Bellamy nods, biting his lower lip like he’s embarrassed.

‘Anyway. I’ll let you two catch up’ Bellamy says, looking at Clarke and noticing the look on her face because she has no idea what went on.

‘I’ll see you later, Princess’ he winks at her and Clarke’s face flushes like the school girl she is around Bellamy Blake. He nods at Wells when he passes and he’s just gotten to the door when he turns.

‘Stay the way I’ve left you this time’ Bellamy jokes. Clarke smiles, rolling her eyes playfully and with that, Bellamy leaves and Clarke is left with Wells.

She notices the soft darkness that is growing around the room as the evening rolls in, so Wells switches on the lamp in the corner before taking a seat on the chair beside her bed.

‘So, this was your famous plan to take down Cage’ he smiles, gesturing with his hands around the hospital room where she’s ended up.

‘I planned to take him out with a bit more style, less blood and tears’ she jokes back and Wells laughs. He looks good and the stress lines aren’t as obvious on his face like they were back in New York. ‘Besides, you got the winning shot’ she smiles.

‘Jealous?’ He smirks back and Clarke nods, giving him that one.

‘Thought you lost him’ Clarke recollects their conversation back in New York, just before Wells delivered the devastating news to her that she shouldn’t return to her old life.

‘I couldn’t get in contact with you after New York’ Wells leans back in his chair, his waterproof jacket making noise as he does so. ‘We were worried. So, we used every last resource we had to try and locate Cage again. I didn’t want you getting hurt’ he tells her and Clarke instantly feels guilty about how they left things.

Shaw, Harper, Miller, Wells - they should have all been on their way to new lives for a while but instead, Clarke knows they used things and people they had saved for the right time to pin Cage - knowing full well that if they used them at the wrong time, it would lead them to nothing.

‘Turned up empty for days but Shaw found something that linked him to Shallow Valley. It was a long shot that what we found would even lead us to Cage directly but we headed out there anyway’ Wells continues. ‘Turns out you were already there and in trouble.’

‘I’m sorry. You might have lost him for good using those resources’ Clarke shakes her head.

‘It’s lucky we did use them. We got him’ Wells leans forward, taking her hand. ‘That’s what matters.’

Clarke is silent for a few moments, trying to process it all.

‘What was all of that between you and Bellamy?’ She eventually asks because it’s eating at her. Wells sighs, running his hand over his head.

‘I had to peel him away from you after Cage shot you. He wouldn’t stop CPR to let the medics help’ Wells tells her and Clarke can feel her chest tightening. ‘He couldn’t let you go.’

Clarke tries to imagine it but it hurts to think of Bellamy in that amount of pain.

‘He shoved me a few times, tried to take it out on me but he was just upset. I’ve never seen a man look so destroyed’ Wells continues and a tear escapes Clarke’s eye before she knows she’s crying. ‘He loves you, you know.’

She should know that given how Bellamy is with her, but her heart stops all the same when Wells says that.

‘I don’t think it’s like that’ she tells him because while it is possible, Bellamy hasn’t actually said it and she won’t believe it until he does. Wells scoffs.

‘Have you seen how he looks at you?’

Clarke goes to talk again but Wells shushes her by holding his hand up, the way he used to when they were kids - the way his father would when he was really mad at them for lying about silly stuff when they were teenagers.

‘You’re a fool if you don’t think so, Clarke’ Wells looks at her now with a serious look in his eye. ’And you’re a bigger fool if you don’t accept it.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always guys, thank you all for the overwhelming support and positivity. I love hearing your feedback and its lovely to get some both on here and on Tumblr. Please comment your thoughts, suggestions and freak outs down below :) haha.  
> If you love the story, please share it on Tumblr or tag me if you've already been promoting it (thank you so much to those who have!)  
>   
> Just click [here.](http://eyessharpweaponshot.tumblr.com/post/183838375314/lose-you-too-bellarke-fbicriminal-mindsthe)


	18. Nothing to Lose Except Everything We Have

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for the delay with this chapter, life was just hectic. But I'm thankfully back on track now and thank you all for your patience.  
> Chapter title is from the song 'Don't Mind Me' by 'Walking on Cars'.  
> 

After a lengthy lecture from Jackson about taking it easy and coming back immediately if anything felt even a little wrong, he finally let Clarke go home.

Bellamy was waiting for her with his SUV keys in his hand, insisting on bringing her back to his place for a few days where ‘he could keep a close eye on her.’

Nothing more has been said on the subject of him quitting his job, but now, Clarke sits beside him as they drive through the wet streets of D.C and she feels the guilt creeping in. She doesn’t want him to be frightened to do what he loves because of what happened to her.

The familiar buildings and roads of Washington make Clarke feel warm inside, distracting her from the crushing guilt on her chest, and she realises how much she’s missed it here. She was always too preoccupied by the looming threat of Cage to really appreciate it properly when she got back from New York, but now that no danger is currently in front of her, Clarke can’t help but relish in the beauty of it all.

Thelonious once told her that nostalgia is a rotten liar that insists things were better than they seemed. In Greek, it literally translates to ‘the pain from an old wound’ - but Clarke knows her nostalgia for D.C is stemming from truth. She loved it here before she left, she loves it now and she’s clever enough to realise that the reason is Bellamy.

This is where she met him and fell in love with him - and every crack and crevice of D.C reminds her of that.

She glances across at him and his hands are firmly placed on the steering wheel, his eyes sharp as he looks at the road in front of him.

Clarke can’t help but be mesmerised at the mere sight of him - it calms her to watch his chest take breaths and release them slowly, it calms her to observe the way his messy, black curls fall in disarray over his head and how the scar above his top lip seems to fit in nicely with the rest of his features.

When Bellamy yawns, his freckles stretch with his face and when he moves his arm down to change gears, it causes his navy t-shirt to clench against his muscles. Clarke is hypnotised by every move.

She loves him so damn much. And that causes the guilt to return ten-fold.

 _Fuck_ , she’s messed up his whole life.

Bellamy has had a hard childhood and he fought every day to become successful. Not only that, he was a fine agent. He was exceptional at his job and he made the world a safer place every single day - and now Clarke has taken that from him.

‘Stop doing that to yourself’ Bellamy says through the silence, like he can somehow sense that Clarke is beating herself up. She looks at him again but he’s not looking at her, too occupied by the traffic in front of him. ‘It’s Clarke Griffin all over - something awful happens to you and you’re still thinking about other people.’

‘Just one person’ Clarke tells him softly and this makes him look at her, a little surprised by her honesty and a little touched.

He remains quiet until they reach his house, just at the edge of town.

Clarke forgot how much she loves it here because normally, he’s always at hers. It looks like every other house in this neighbourhood, but Bellamy bought it for his own and set his roots down here, so it stands out to her and feels more like home than even her own house. All because he lives here.

The house is a blur at first behind the rain-washed window of the SUV but once clambering out and being scurried to the door by Bellamy under his coat, Clarke can take in the details of the grey wood panels and the wrap-around, white wood porch that she now stands on. Mother Nature has added her own touch on the house as Clarke notices ivy climbing up around the sides. The shrubbery in front of the porch needs trimming but Bellamy never had the time to tend to that kind of stuff.

Once inside, the old world charm ends and Bellamy Blake begins. The walls are bright and clean and the floors are all hardwood. It smells like him the moment Clarke steps through the door so she inhales deeply, taking it all in. Items of his splash the entire living space - his coats and hoodies are on hooks by the door, his trainers are neatly placed at the bottom of the stairs and photos are framed on the walls and tables in the hallway.

Bellamy switches on the lights to banish the dullness outside because the bad weather is bringing hues of grey to the whole of D.C. Even though it’s only a little after noon, it seems like the night is approaching far too quickly.

Clarke shivers, trying to ignore the fact that the rain has her soaked just from walking from the SUV to the door - but Bellamy notices it immediately and takes off his coat that he had thrown over her in the SUV, helping her because she’s still tender and sore.

He then goes to light a fire in his living room, leaving Clarke to look at the photos around his hallway like she always does when she’s here.

Her eyes examine the first photo she comes to, hanging on the wall in a soft brown frame. It’s old and tattered inside the glass, but it’s one of great importance to him - she knows this.

A young Bellamy and Octavia smile back at Clarke and Bellamy’s mother is behind them, a little too distant from her children. She’s smiling too, but Clarke can tell she’s hiding her pain.

Aurora is thin with long brown hair like Octavia’s - pin straight which is a contrast against Bellamy’s thick curls. Their eyes are a soft grey which is also different to Bellamy’s deep brown ones, so Clarke knows he must take after his dad.

The photo displays happy people but Clarke knows it was taken just before Aurora left for good, so she can easily spot the signs of a struggling family. Octavia’s smile doesn’t reach her eyes and she’s clutching Bellamy’s hand, not her mothers. Bellamy is standing closer to Octavia than his mother, almost protectively and their clothes look too short for their ages.

It’s endearing though, to look at Bellamy like that. His features are exactly the same now as they were then, except he looks much less sure of himself in the photo.

The next few photos are ones like Bellamy’s graduation, Octavia's wedding to Lincoln or group ones of Bellamy with the team. She spots herself in a few of the group ones, looking much more carefree than she has been lately.

Clarke has seen them all before and so as she saunters through the hallway, she runs her fingers along the lines of the frames as she admires the photos within. Her heart drops, however, when she reaches his hallway table.

Switching on the table light, a bunch of new frames of contrasting sizes are illuminated under it. There’s a new team photo that Clarke has never seen and they’re all dressed up in it.

It’s of Emori and Murphy’s wedding. Raven wears a long, red dress with her arm draped around Emori in her beautiful white one. Emori is absolutely beaming. Murphy, looking more dapper than Clarke has ever seen him, stands next to his wife with a massive grin on his face. Monty and Kane are over their shoulder, raising their glasses and Bellamy is on the other side of Murphy, looking as handsome as always in his suit. He’s smiling, even if it’s not as wide as normal, and his hand is up in the air like he’s waving to the camera.

What gets Clarke the most about this photo is how happy they look because she’s realising, as if for the first time, that they lived on without her. They went out without her, went to work without her, got married without her, laughed without her.

Bellamy smiled without her.

He’s had a whole space of time without her in it, one where he’s gone to work and had new cases. One where he’s gone out on Thursday nights with the team to Arkadia and shared new jokes and laughs. One where he’s had a girlfriend and has had sex and shared new jokes and laughs with her - and the thought is suddenly sickening.

She knew this, technically. It shouldn't be a surprise feeling to her - but now that she's really thinking about it, she can't help but feel jealous and upset about it all. It’s not that Clarke wanted the team to be miserable for the six years she wasn’t there, but it hurts more than she thought it would to know that their lives went on.

It feels like a punch to the gut. She keeps telling herself it was her only choice to leave - another oxymoron, she notes. But the excuse is becoming less and less of a comfort.

The frame beside the wedding photo is one of a baby. Bellamy is holding him, looking down at the tiny human in his arms like he’s the only thing to exist in the world.

The baby has all five of it’s fingers wrapped around Bellamy’s thumb and Clarke, without even asking, knows the baby belongs to Octavia. Her features are blended all over the newborns face. Bellamy’s beard is long and scruffy, matching his hair so she knows it’s probably in the first two years after Clarke left - when he was finding it the hardest.

She guesses this baby must be at least four or five now. Yet another thing she missed out on - knowing about something so great that has happened in his family. What hurts the most is that Bellamy still hasn’t told her about him. She studies the photo for a few more seconds, taking in every detail.

Clarke’s heart skips several beats, suddenly yearning for him to hold a little human that has _her_ features.

It’s something she’s never let herself think about before but now that she sees it, she wants it more than anything else in this world - to have her own family with Bellamy. The thought scares her, to want something so great and huge with him.

Clarke’s eyes have blurred and she finds herself blinking the tears back. She’s just about to go and find him when she spots something peculiar.

Furrowing her brow, Clarke picks up a familiar frame to look at the photo within it properly.

It’s them - Bellamy and Clarke. It was taken in their first year together as partners. They’re both smiling at one another and Clarke is wearing her old, long-sleeved, grey v-neck. It was her favourite and she wore it so much, a hole developed at the back of it so she had to eventually throw it out. Her hair is long - way passed her shoulders and two pieces of it are pinned back.

Bellamy’s hair is shorter and he’s wearing a blue t-shirt. His teeth are so white it’s fixating and Clarke can’t remember ever seeing him look like that - so at ease. It’s been years since she’s seen this photo but she knows it because it’s hers. It belongs in her living room. It was taken the night of Murphy’s party, the night they played strip poker and Clarke cheated with Raven’s help.

‘You can have it back, if you want’ Bellamy is standing in the hallway, leaning against his living room door frame and watching Clarke study the photo. She looks up at him and then back down at the picture.

‘I didn’t even notice it was gone’ she tells him, a little annoyed at herself. She loves this photo and if she hadn’t been so preoccupied with Cage coming to kill her at her home, she probably would have known it wasn’t there.

‘Whenever I was in yours, cleaning or whatever’ Bellamy says, walking over towards her. ‘I’d look at that photo and remember you like that. Smiling and happy. It gave me hope that you were still out there.’

Clarke closes her eyes, letting the guilt of her departure flood her once more. Bellamy is beside her now and takes the photo from her gently, studying it himself.

‘Some days, the hope was weaker than others. So, eventually, I needed the photo here with me’ he finishes it with an essence of a question, like he’s wondering if that’s okay.

Clarke nods, but she’s realising that there’s so much left unspoken between them, so much hurt and so many unanswered questions. She’s never talked to him properly about her mission and how it affected her, and she can now considering their fugitive is dead. She wants to explain why she didn’t tell him about Cage coming for her, even though he probably knows. She wants to tell him about her childhood and how she ended up with the Jaha’s, because he’s shared his one with her.

She wants to talk to him about what he was like when she was gone because Raven told her he was careless in his job and took time off, had panic attacks - couldn’t sleep. She wants to talk to him about quitting his job, about Echo, about the night in the club where they had sex, about whether he loves her too, about everything - but she doesn’t know where to start.

Bellamy is watching her but he doesn’t ask her what’s wrong or push her to talk at all. Instead, he just gestures towards the living room where the fire is blazing.

‘I’ll order us some food.’

Clarke gives him a small smile and slowly makes her way into the living room, being careful not to strain herself or her stitches. Being off the IV means she isn’t getting as much pain relief but she tries to keep the discomfort off her face because she doesn’t want Bellamy forcing her to go back to the hospital.

She’s wearing a red, knitted cardigan over her black leggings and a black vest top which makes her as comfy as she can be, so she slips out of her brown boots and eases herself onto Bellamy’s couch. The fire banishes any residual cold that’s left in her bones and Clarke thinks, despite the dull pain that’s always there from her wound, that this is the most comfortable she’s been in days.

Bellamy follows her in a few minutes later and makes himself busy, checking the fire and adding more coal. She’s so busy watching him that when the food does arrive, she barely hears the doorbell ring.

As he straightens himself to answer the door, his t-shirt lifts up and she spots the scar from the gunshot wound on his lower back. The one she saw the night she came to confront him in New York - before she shot at him herself. Yet another thing they have to talk about.

When Bellamy comes back, Clarke notices that he’s ordered from the same Chinese that they ate from six years ago, the night before she left. He smiles as he hands her the cartons containing her share but she can’t make herself smile back - not when she feels like she could cry. All that’s missing from this scenario is the wine, and Clarke can’t exactly drink while on medication.

Maybe nostalgia is painful.

Bellamy plonks down beside her on the couch, taking into his rice while Clarke moves hers around the carton, gathering herself and deciding on where to start. His hair falls around his forehead and ears as he looks down.

‘So. Are we going to address that old gunshot wound on your back?’ She asks, keeping her face strong.

Bellamy stops chewing, meeting her eyes. He’s silent for a moment until he swallows his food.

‘It’s from an undercover mission.’

Clarke’s heart seizes and the anger emerges from the shock quicker than she can hold it. She can’t disguise the annoyance in her voice either.

‘You went in on an undercover mission?’ She’s fuming - more at herself than anything because if she were here, she would never have let that happen. Not without her in on it with him. She thought the wound was from a case, which is bad enough because she wasn’t there to protect him - but an undercover? Anything could have happened and he could have been there for days, even weeks. She doesn’t even know how bad he came off from it, all the rest of the wounds and bruises would have disappeared by now.

Bellamy sighs, placing his rice carton on the table as he sits forward. His jeans squeak against the leather of the couch as he adjusts himself, holding his hands together and resting his forearms on his knees. He doesn’t look at her when he speaks again.

‘It was my second one, actually.’ Clarke is frozen momentarily until she slaps her own carton beside his on the table, wincing as she does so because even that simple move is too much effort for her body.

‘You know how I feel about you going undercover. I told you I didn’t want you on those missions.’

‘Yeah, and then you left’ Bellamy shoots her a look, his voice containing bitterness that she thought he had left behind. He must realise it too because he exhales loudly, shaking his head.

‘I thought we put that behind us’ Clarke says, looking at the fire that’s creating the only other sound in the room right now, cracking and popping as the tension grows stronger.

‘We did, but you can’t get angry at me for something that happened in the six years where you weren’t here.’

'How many did you do?’ Clarke hears herself ask, still looking at the flames.

‘Clarke…’

‘How many, did you do?’ She annunciates, letting her gaze drift over to his face.

‘It doesn’t matter’ he looks at her with those eyes that seem to make the world disappear. He doesn’t want to fight, that much is obvious. It’s niggling at Clarke though, and she has to know. She has to know how many times he put himself in these severe situations while she was gone.

‘It matters to me’ she says slowly.

‘Why?’ Bellamy gestures with his hand, his brow pinching in the centre.

‘Because!’ Clarke stands up, gripping her ribs as she does so because she moved too quick. At this, Bellamy shifts like he wants to help her but stays firmly seated on the couch, like something is holding him there. Maybe it's her stare. ‘Because if I was fucking here, I wouldn’t have let you go undercover at all!’ She’s shouting now, frustrated and upset with herself. Their eyes don’t break contact.

‘You wouldn’t have let me?’ Bellamy half laughs, bemused by her choice of words. This pisses her off even more - it’s a serious conversation.

‘You think this is funny?’ Clarke exasperates. ‘No, I wouldn’t have let you. If I was here…’

‘You weren’t here!’ Bellamy interrupts her, standing now too. ‘And you have no reason to be this upset with me considering the amount that’s happened. You left me for six years and then when you came back, you still weren’t honest with me and that resulted in you almost dying. So I think I can be forgiven for going on a few undercover missions when I thought you were dead.’

Clarke can only stare at him.

‘I didn’t have a choice’ she says after a few seconds, barely audible in comparison to their shouts that filled the room previously.

‘You always had a choice’ Bellamy lands her, his voice a rumble like distant thunder. He's staring at her so intensely that it makes her heart skip a beat before dropping into her stomach. She knows what that means: she could have chosen him.

‘It’s not that simple’ Clarke defends herself. She thought he understood this. ‘I had to protect you. All of you. I couldn't tell you without...' she's flustered now as she tries to rush her explanation, so she takes a breath. 'I did what I had to do' she says simply.

‘If you say it enough, maybe I’ll believe you’ Bellamy puts his hands on his hips, leaning more on one leg than the other.

This sets the fire inside of Clarke once more and she feels the familiar sensation of burning anger rising in her throat.

‘I’m not sorry’ she snaps. ‘I’d do it again, because I’m not afraid to do my job.’ It’s a purposeful and petulant dig at him for quitting, because it’s one other thing they have to talk about. She’s upset for him that he quit because he’s afraid something like that would happen again to Clarke or someone else on the team. She caused that.

Bellamy lifts his head, looking at her from under his curls.

‘Brave Princess’ he says sarcastically. ‘You're so hell-bent on me staying out of danger and undercover missions, I thought you'd be happy to know I've quit.'

Clarke shakes her head as she looks at the floor below her, knowing she's probably contradicting herself - and also knowing this is only a surface argument until the real shit comes out.

'Courage isn’t always throwing yourself in front of others to protect them. Courage isn’t running away for six years because you believed it was ‘your only choice.’ It takes a different kind of bravery to admit how afraid you are’ his voice is like iron, cold and unforgiving. ‘And I’m fucking terrified, Clarke.’

Clarke’s face softens and the anger resides, her eyes brimming with emotion now.

‘I’ve almost lost you more times than I want to count and it’s because of this fucking job. So yeah, I am walking away. But that’s not the only reason I quit’ he says and Clarke meets his eye, pinning him with her gaze and waiting for him to go on. ‘You told me six years ago that we couldn’t be together and do this job, and I told you I’d leave it. Nothing has changed, you are still everything to me and I want to give this a real chance.'

Bellamy takes a breath before he says it in a bare whisper.

'I am so fucking in love with you.’

Clarke can barely breathe and her heart is tripping in her chest. Her eyes widen because holy shit, he’s said it. She doesn’t have to wonder anymore because it’s out in the open now, but like most things between them, they needed the heat of the moment to talk about it all.

‘So fuck the job’ Bellamy continues. ‘You might not be afraid to be an agent, Clarke. But you’re constantly afraid of this, whether you want to admit it or not. Every time we get close, something happens to sabotage it’ Bellamy voices her thoughts like he’s in her mind with her.

He's right. She’s not brave in the ways that matter because the fear builds inside her every goddamn time - the one that always seems to be there simmering under the surface, the one that she’s been running from since people started dying on her. She’s built so many walls around herself and when shit is about to get real, Clarke has a nasty habit of running from it.

She wants it and wants it but before anything can happen, the job or something else calls a halt to everything and she's saved from actually having to do anything about it.

‘So now, here we are. My job isn’t in the way, yours isn’t in the way, Cage isn’t in the way. It’s time to be brave or run’ he tells her. ‘So, you have a choice to make Princess.'

Clarke can feel her chest rising and falling a little too fast and Bellamy is looking at her, expectantly and anxiously. His voice doesn't sound as confident as usual when he speaks again.

'In or out?’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave me your thoughts below, I love reading them and responding to you all.  
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	19. Give Me a Chance to Hold On

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Coming up on the end now guys, one more chapter left after this one.  
> Hope you all enjoy it as much as you have been.  
> Chapter title is from the song 'You're All I Have' by Snow Patrol.

Clarke could laugh at how limited her choices are here.

She can stay and choose to be with Bellamy, for real this time with nothing waiting out there to ruin it for them - no cases and no classified missions. She can face her fears and put them to bed, trusting that not everyone she loves will be taken from her by death.

Or she can leave and lose him anyway.

Clarke had imagined Bellamy telling her he was in love with her so many times and each one resulted in her jumping into his arms and kissing him until she couldn’t breathe, but now Clarke is stuck to his living room floor, gaping at him as he waits patiently for an answer.

_In or out?_

Clarke takes a few breaths and forgets about everything for a second.

She loses herself in Bellamy’s deep brown eyes and studies his dark hair. She focuses on his freckles and the width of his shoulders, how they stretch out the navy t-shirt he’s wearing. She observes his body and the way he stands and she imagines how his face looks when he smiles, when he’s angry, when he’s turned on. She thinks of his kindness and loyalty, his humour and wit and above all else, how passionately he cares about everyone around him.

It’s not everything, but it’s the tip of the iceberg of reasons why she’s in love with him.

Clarke lets the air out of her lungs and she feels her heart lift, because if Bellamy Blake isn’t worth risking everything for, nothing else will ever be worth it.

So, even though she always imagined a dramatic moment after he told her he was in love with her, Clarke finds herself stepping slowly into his space.

Bellamy watches her with a wanly expression and doesn’t dare move. He just waits for her because the ball is in her court. The silence in the room is deafening with only the odd pop and crackle from the fireplace breaking it.

Clarke is in front of him now, watching his eyes like a hawk for any clue as to what he’s thinking but he has them masked well. She reaches out and lets her hands curl around his biceps, anchoring her as she leans up on her tip-toes. Her lips touch his softly and he responds immediately, just giving her the same amount of pressure as she’s giving him. She doesn’t intensify the kiss, but instead, pulls back and opens her eyes. He’s staring right into the depths of her soul and she studies all the detail in his irises, framed with beautiful, long eyelashes.

‘I want to be with you’ she whispers, afraid to disturb the quiet in the room with them. ‘I want to be with you forever, Bellamy Blake. To the extent that I don’t think forever is long enough’ she takes a breath, releasing it in a whoosh. ‘So I’m in.’

Bellamy’s eyes flutter shut and he lets out a breath that Clarke didn’t know he was holding. His features give out the relief he’s feeling and when he looks at her again, there’s a new spark in his eyes.

‘Thank God’ he barely gets out before his lips are on hers again. Clarke’s breath stutters in her throat because this time, their kiss gets deep real fast. She throws her arms around his neck and tilts her head, accommodating him into her mouth. Bellamy’s hand is at her jaw, caressing her lower cheek with his thumb. They kiss for what seems like a lifetime and she can’t get enough, not wanting to come up for air. She wants to cry at how good it feels to finally be in this position with him, even if it is straining her wound a little.

Clarke is still afraid, but she figures it’s better to be afraid in this with him than without him. Bellamy is the first one to pull away and he looks at her for a few moments before he's moving. She’s not sure what he’s doing until he pulls the coffee table in front of his couch to the side and shoves back the couch further. He grabs a blanket off the couch and tosses some pillows onto the floor before he sits down, gesturing her to come with him. Clarke smiles adoringly at him because he must have sensed that her wound was hurting her.

She sits down, curling into his open arms and inhales contentedly.

The fire is roaring, the living room is softly lit to get rid of the dark day outside where the rain is beating against the window, and she’s now exactly where she wants to be - in the arms of the love of her life.

‘I love you so much’ he whispers again, maybe just because he can now. Clarke looks up at him and he’s already staring at her, so she leans up a little to press a soft kiss to his lips.

‘I love you too’ she tells him and the smile that comes onto his face is worth everything. The silence that enshrouds them after that is like a delicate veil, but it holds no awkwardness. It feels like they are the only people in the world. The warmth of Bellamy’s neck against her forehead and his scent makes Clarke way too comfortable and she isn’t long growing sleepy. She must nod off because when she opens her eyes, the dark day outside has turned pitch black and the fire has died down to small flames and embers.

Clarke lifts her head from Bellamy’s shoulder to see that he’s sleeping soundly, his facial features completely at peace. She smiles because if she were to ever imagine perfection - this is it.

He is it.

She plants a small, gentle kiss against the crook of his neck but it does nothing to stir him, so she does it again. Bellamy groans and Clarke knows he’s starting to wake.

‘Clarke’ he mumbles without opening his eyes, his voice thick and heavy with sleep. She kisses his neck again, a little more pressure this time and a little flick of her tongue against his skin. Bellamy’s eyes open slowly, catching her in the act and she smirks. ‘Jackson told you to take it easy’ he tells her and Clarke rolls her eyes playfully, placing another intimate kiss against his neck. ‘You’ve been through a lot, you need to rest’ Bellamy speaks again but his eyes have already fallen shut at the sensation.

‘Then get up here and stop making me do all the work’ Clarke jokes and Bellamy’s eyes spring open, cocking his eyebrow at her but he does as he’s told. He eases himself on top of her as she opens her legs to accommodate him. He’s careful not to lean against her wound but his mouth comes down onto hers. It’s not forceful or demanding, just gentle and soft - a graze, so soft that she’s unsure if it was real.

When he pulls back, he looks at her with such intensity that Clarke thinks somehow, she's falling in love with him even more. They’re nose to nose, his breath on her mouth and the pause continues as if he needs a minute to believe that this is really happening. After a moment, he kisses her again and this time, it’s what she’s excited for. He moves his lips against hers and a deep sigh escapes his nostrils.

Clarke grips his bicep, encouraging him to keep up this pace. Her tongue moves in memory to his rhythm as her fingers ensnare themselves into his hair. He must sense that she wants it all because when he pulls back this time, Bellamy looks like he’s fighting some internal battle within himself. He wants her, but she’s not long out of surgery and she’s been through a lot - so he wants her to heal.

‘We shouldn’t be doing this yet’ he whispers above her mouth. He’s breathing is deep, his desire completely obvious - he’s just trying to take the moral route.

‘I know’ Clarke replies, placing soft kisses under his lip, on his chin and then against his jawline.

‘I think we should stop’ he says but a moan of pleasure escapes his lips not two seconds later, which only feeds Clarke’s want for him.

‘So let’s stop’ she says against him, sucking the skin on his neck softly. Bellamy groans as he slips his hand under her top, his fingers dancing teasingly across her bare skin. Arousal rushes through Clarke, settling low in her stomach. Her fingers move across his broad back, feeling the muscle underneath his t-shirt.

‘I can’t’ he admits honestly in almost a pained tone.

‘So let’s keep going’ Clarke smirks, knowing she’s getting her way. As long as they’re careful, she shouldn’t feel any pain in her ribs where her gunshot wound is located.

‘Clarke’ Bellamy groans, frustrated with himself because he wants to let her heal.

‘Come on, the last time we did it was rushed because we were in a club.’

‘I’m sorry, I just couldn’t resist you in your little black dress’ Bellamy comes back and kisses her mouth, exerting a loud moan from her as he bites her lip.

‘Don’t apologise. It was badly needed after no sex for six years’ Clarke tells him, smiling against his kiss but Bellamy shoots up, staring at her wide-eyed.

‘What?’

‘What?’ Clarke furrows her brow. He’s over her, leaning up on his elbows now to get a better view of her face as if she’s lying.

‘That was your first time to have sex since you were with me in the shower?’

The shock on Bellamy’s face only grows as Clarke nods, a little sheepishly because she knows he’s fucked someone else while she waited around pathetically for him. It’s not like she didn’t have opportunities for one night stands, she just lacked the interest.

‘Baby’ he dips his head. ‘Fuck.’ Bellamy sits up away from her now, rubbing his forehead. Clarke knows the guilt is flooding him because he didn’t wait for her.

‘Bellamy, it’s okay’ Clarke winces as she sits up against the couch. ‘You didn’t think I was ever coming back.’

Bellamy just shakes his head.

‘I’m sorry’ he mutters, unable to meet her eye. Clarke takes his hand, pulling him over to him again. He chances a glance at her and she smiles, cupping his face in her hands.

‘Make it up to me.’

Bellamy’s eyes grow dark and the corners of his mouth turn up a little. Then he crashes his lips back against Clarke’s, peeling her cardigan off her and only tearing himself away to pull off her top. Within seconds, he has her stripped completely and she’s lying back down on the blanket, the pillows propped up behind her and she’s totally at his mercy.

Once he’s stripped himself, his cock springs free from his boxers and Clarke’s eyes spark at the sight of him. She forgot how big he is.

Bellamy leans back over her, reclaiming his old position and kisses her harder. Little noises pour out of her lips and every touch makes her skin hypersensitive. He’s already painfully hard against her thigh and it drives Clarke even more to know that he wants her that much.

‘You ready for this, Princess?’ He gives her that smirk that sends Clarke wild at the best of times, let alone now. Clarke moans in response, leaning up a little to kiss his neck again. ‘If you want to stop at any point…’

‘Bellamy, come on’ Clarke’s breath rattles, interrupting him because really, does she have to beg at this point? She’s practically dripping for him.

‘So impatient' his voice drops an octave and if it’s possible, Clarke thinks he turned her on even more in that moment. He doesn’t keep her waiting any longer because he pushes into her, stretching and filling her with the length of him. How Clarke stops herself from coming there and then is a miracle because _fuck_ , she's missed him.

Bellamy pauses for a moment to let her get used to his size again but then he starts. He thrusts into her slowly and Clarke knows he’s being careful not to strain her too much but being honest, she can feel nothing but pleasure in this moment. After a few minutes of being delicate with her though, it’s like he loses the run of himself and starts going faster.

Clarke clenches around him because she loves this - loves that she’s making him lose control. It’s not long until her whimpers and moans turn into loud shouts coming from the back of her throat because _fuck_ , she won’t take long at this rate to come.

‘Bellamy’ she cries, squeezing her eyes shut as the burning pleasure rises inside of her and spills over. Just as she’s coming down, Bellamy reaches between them and his fingers find her clit, moving in circular motions to try keep her in this hazy state of heaven for as long as he can. Each breath rakes her lungs and her heartbeat thunders in her ears.

‘Come again, baby’ his low voice commands her. A part of her wants to shake her head because she doesn’t think she can but the side that wins tells him otherwise.

‘Make me’ she tells him, wanting more and needing more - even if it isn’t possible to take anymore. Bellamy pushes forward which makes her wound sting a little but she doesn’t care. Her legs come forward with him and with just one thrust, he’s found a place inside of Clarke that no-one else has before. Clarke moans so loud that she’s sure his entire street have heard.

‘Jesus Christ Clarke, what are you doing to me?’ Bellamy wonders to himself, groaning as he fucks into her harder. Pleasure roils low in her belly, building again and Bellamy senses it, speeding up the circles he’s drawing on her clit with his finger. Dirty sentences spill from his lips and it isn’t long before Clarke is tensing around his cock, screaming out his name as another orgasm rips through her and spreads through her entire body.

Her fingers dig into his back and she knows without even seeing herself that her face is flushed. She’s so out of it that she doesn’t even register that Bellamy has followed her over the edge, spilling himself inside of her just moments previous. There’s a ringing in Clarke’s ears and the both of them gasp for air.

Bellamy’s mouth breaks into a smile and he huffs out a laugh.

‘What?’ Clarke smirks at him through her pants for air.

‘I just can’t believe I get to do this with you for the rest of my life’ he smiles. ‘I’m so fucking lucky.’

Clarke’s heart feels light looking at the expression on his face - he looks truly happy.

‘I love you’ she tells him after he pulls out and he meets her gaze, his eyes growing soft at hearing it again.

‘I love you’ he replies. ‘More than anything.’

Clarke smiles so wide she’s sure her face will split.

‘More than anything' she agrees.

 

-

 

The rest of the night was spent eating cold Chinese food and catching up by the fire that they sparked back to life.

They didn’t bother to get dressed because it was warm enough in the living room. Bellamy re-dressed her surgery wound which had turned a little red from their antics, to which Bellamy tutted and told her they weren’t doing it again until she was properly better.

Clarke had pouted but she understood - she definitely did not want to end up back in hospital again so it wasn’t worth risking it. They settled with pleasuring one another in other ways, but they haven’t had actual sex since.

Clarke told Bellamy everything, even the hard things like why she had to lie to him. She told him about Wells and his family taking her in and they spoke about Echo, even though it hurt to hear that she made him happy for a while.

He told her about Octavia and her new baby and the struggles he faced in Clarke’s absence. About the guilt because he felt her getting shot was his fault - the bullet was meant for him. She’d be lying if she said it didn’t break her heart.

By the time they were drifting back to sleep, almost everything had been discussed and Clarke felt much lighter - like all the baggage and secrets they had been holding had been set free.

It’s been over a month and a half since she came back to Bellamy’s and as she sits cross-legged on his couch, flicking through the television channels, Clarke is glad she gave up her house. She and Bellamy had discussed it and they decided it would be best if Clarke just moved in. It’s a slow process because currently, Bellamy is over at her old house settling any remaining rent and moving whatever belongings of hers will fit into Murphy’s SUV.

Murphy has the day off with the rest of the team, so he graciously offered to help Bellamy out today.

They have all been over in their turns, visiting Clarke and catching her up on things. Harper, Miller, Wells and Shaw have visited too and they have agreed to come out tonight to Arkadia and get to know the others more. Clarke is only able to stay for an hour or so and it was hard to even get Bellamy to agree to that. She misses her friends though and oddly enough, she misses the dingy bar that is Arkadia.

Kane had mentioned to Clarke upon one of his visits that he was looking for hers and Bellamy’s replacements, so Clarke didn’t hesitate on recommending Wells and the others. They’re taking some time after Cage’s case, but they will eventually have to be placed somewhere in the bureau so it might as well be with Kane's unit - he's a good Director and the team would look after them. They'd like it there.

Things with Bellamy have been great - he’s waited on Clarke hand and foot and done is fair share of too fucking much. He makes her tea every morning and brings it to her in bed with some toast, even though it’s received with an eye-roll and a ‘I told you not to be doing this’ from Clarke. He fusses over her all day long about taking her pain meds and eating enough, but she thinks it’s endearing.

It’s nice to be on this side of the line with him where they can share kisses and cuddles but still hold their same flirty and sarcastic demeanour with one another. The orgasms are just added bonuses.

As she watches another morning show, which Clarke feels are numbing her brain cells, she feels a familiar wave of sickness fall over her. She barely makes it to the downstairs bathroom before vomiting up her breakfast - and being honest, it’s not the first time it’s happened these past few days. Sometimes, she’s vomited all day so she first figured she had some kind of bug, which Bellamy put it down to. But she knows it’s going on too long at this point.

Clarke lifts her black sweater, checking her wound again. It seems to be healing nicely and there’s no obvious signs of infection, but her heart is palpitating with worry.

She doesn’t want another episode like she had in the hospital where she almost killed members of her team.

When she’s sure she isn’t going to be sick again, Clarke grabs her brown duster coat and Bellamy’s SUV keys on the hallway table and heads out the door.

He shouldn’t arrive back with Murphy and her things until another few hours, so she’s hoping she can pay a quick visit to Jackson at the hospital without having to tell Bellamy. He’d only worry anyway.

The path is icy as she makes her way to the SUV, her brown boots sliding on the concrete below her. Technically, she shouldn’t be back driving yet and Bellamy would absolutely kill her for it - especially in these road conditions, but the worry is too much. She needs to know if she’s harvesting another infection.

Before she reaches the hospital, Clarke has to pull in twice to get sick on the side of the road - much to her embarrassment. Her phone has dinged a couple of times from Bellamy too, making sure if she’s alright and wondering if he should send Raven over. She shoots back a message before she goes in, telling him not to send Raven over and to stop worrying about her, adding a smart comment about getting back to work because Murphy must be doing all the heavy lifting if Bellamy is stuck to his phone.

Clarke asks for Jackson at reception, who is thankfully working today and not overrun with cases. He must panic when he hears that Clarke is looking for him because within a few minutes, Jackson is bursting through the doors of the waiting room.

‘What’s wrong?’ He greets her, scanning her up and down with his eyes. She hasn’t seen him since she left the hospital and wasn’t scheduled for a check-up until the end of the month.

‘I’m not sure’ Clarke stands up and walks with him as he leads her towards an examination room. ‘I’ve been vomiting the past few days and I’m nervous that..’

‘The infection is coming back’ Jackson finishes for her. ‘You finished the course of antibiotics I gave you?’ Clarke nods because _fuck_ , she’s nervous now. She definitely does not want to end up back in here.

Jackson opens the door of a small room that contains a medical bed, a sink and lots of cabinets that Clarke guesses contains medical equipment. The smell of the hospital brings back every time she’s been in one and she’s grown to despise it.

‘Okay, any other symptoms other than the vomiting? A fever or anything?’ Jackson says as he closes the door. Clarke hops up onto the bed and removes her jacket. She notes it doesn’t even feel sore anymore to put strain on her wound, so it’s a good sign for no infection - but something is definitely going on.

‘No, I’m just so tired but everyone is telling me that’s normal considering everything I’ve been through.’ Jackson doesn’t comment, but instead just gestures her to lift her sweater so he can take a look. As he’s examining her wound, humming happily because it must look fine, Clarke feels another wave of sickness come over her and she practically pushes Jackson out of the way to make it to the sink. She vomits up whatever is left in her stomach, which isn’t a lot at this point, and looks back to Jackson as pale as a sheet.

‘Okay, we’re gonna take some blood’ Jackson says with a furrowed brow, patting the bed for Clarke to come back over. ‘Do you want to call Bellamy?’

‘He doesn’t know I’m here’ Clarke says sheepishly. When Jackson gives her a pointed look, Clarke sighs. ‘He’ll just worry.’

‘You don’t say’ Jackson smirks sarcastically. ‘He’s been keeping in touch’ he tells her as he prepares the needle. ‘Asked me to come out tonight with you guys, actually.’

‘You should - you can replace me if I’m not feeling better’ Clarke chuckles and Jackson smiles.

‘There’s no replacing you. Bellamy won’t be there if you’re not.’

Well, Jackson is right about that. Bellamy won’t leave Clarke if she’s unwell. When she was hugging the toilet bowl the last couple of days, she could barely make him leave the room let alone the house. It’s surprising he left her today but it still took a lot of convincing and reassuring him that she will be fine by herself for a few hours.

Bellamy would lose his mind if he knew she was at the hospital right now.

Jackson is quick taking her blood and tells her he will put a rush on the lab to get the results back, so it means Clarke is left waiting for a few hours. She texts Bellamy a couple of times to ask how the packing is coming along and she just hopes he won’t be home before she is. She also doesn’t get sick again which she is thankful for.

After that, her time is spent scrolling down through social media and playing stupid games on her phone. It’s been a long time since she was this idle, far from the life of an active FBI agent anyway.

She puts her phone away after a while and stares at the walls until she feels like she's going insane.

She’s considering telling Jackson to just call her with the results later so she can go home before Bellamy knows she’s gone, but she’s saved the effort when Jackson comes back into her room holding a thin folder of test results. She’s standing by the cabinets, being nosey at all the medical equipment in there when he closes the door behind him, announcing his returned presence.

’Take a seat, Clarke’ he tells her, his tone not as perky as earlier. Clarke knits her brows together, already suspicious because he doesn’t look like he’s going to tell her that nothing is wrong.

‘I have an infection, don’t I?’ She asks him as she hops back up onto the bed. Jackson opens his folder and scans down through the page - an effort to make himself appear busy. It’s an avoidance tactic - he already knows what's wrong. ‘Just tell me, Jackson.’

He sighs, closing the folder and straightening himself. He stares her dead in the eye, like he’s found the confidence within himself to have this conversation.

‘You’re pregnant, Clarke.’

Clarke’s mouth falls open and the response she almost goes with is laughter. For a minute, even though she’s heard him, she doesn’t even think that’s what he’s said. It’s like she’s trying to imagine that ‘you’re pregnant’ is a euphemism for something else.

‘I don’t want to worry you, but you’re body has been through a lot so I can’t tell you I’m completely confident in it being strong enough to keep the pregnancy going. But I’m hopeful, and you seem to be displaying symptoms of a healthy pregnancy so far’ Jackson gives her a small smile now. ‘I just wanted you to be aware that maybe…’

‘Jackson’ Clarke puts her hand up to stop him talking. ‘I’m still at the part where you’re telling me there’s a child growing in my uterus.’

She hasn’t even got that far yet. Far enough to worry that she could have a miscarriage or far enough to even think about regulating her breathing right now. Her hands automatically drift down to her stomach.

‘How is this possible?’

‘Well’ Jackson smirks. ‘When a man and a woman…’

‘Really?’ Clarke interrupts his joke, lightly slapping his arm from where she sits. ‘Where’s the professionalism in this?’

‘I think professionalism ends when we change it from doctor to patient to friend to friend’ Jackson chuckles, placing a hand on her shoulder. ‘Clarke, this is a good thing. I just want to make sure you’re healthy and able to carry this baby to term. I’ll need to run a few tests but we can organise them for another day. We can wait until you’ve had some time to you know, process.’

‘And tell Bellamy’ Clarke is staring at a spot on the floor, unmoving because _holy shit_ , she’s going to have to tell him.

How could she not have even thought of this consequence to sex?

She’s hasn’t been on birth control since she left over six years ago and she’s fucked Bellamy twice since she came back, unprotected. They were both careless and lost in each other - too far gone to even consider this possibility. She hadn't even thought about the fact that she's missed a period or two.

‘You’re about seven to eight weeks, meaning you didn’t follow my advice at all about taking it easy’ Jackson says as he flicks through the paperwork. He starts going on about vitamins to take and telling her it’s unlikely her pain medication or antibiotics would have affected the foetus, but all Clarke can hear is her heartbeat in her ears.

She’s not ready. She wants to have a family with Bellamy so much, but not today. She wanted to enjoy living with him and relish in the newness of this relationship she waited so long for. She wanted to work through the fear of losing him and just concentrate on how much living they have to do before that would happen, but now she has to worry about losing someone else now too.

_Fuck._

She hasn’t even gone to think how Bellamy is going to react - does he even want kids? She’s never asked him. They haven’t decided what they’re going to do career wise and even though they’re comfortable right now with money saved from their previous jobs, they have no plan.

What if he's angry? Or upset?

‘Jackson’ Clarke whispers. When he looks up from his folder, Clarke has tears in her eyes and Jackson’s face falters.

‘Hey’ he closes the folder, pulling a swivel stool from the edge of the room over so he can sit in front of her. ‘Clarke, it’s alright.’

‘There’s been so much stress on my body and I’m not healthy enough. And I haven’t even talked about this with Bellamy yet and we’re only properly together a month’ Clarke gushes out, blubbering her thoughts.

‘Clarke’ Jackson takes her hands in his. ‘Everything will be okay. I’ll make sure it is on the medical side and Bellamy will make sure it is in all the other ways’ he doesn’t break eye contact with her and it comforts Clarke, knowing he’s so sure. ‘He loves you. He’ll be there - it’s the kind of man he is.’

When Clarke leaves the hospital and gets into the SUV, she’s shaking much less now thanks to Jackson. She fixes herself in the visor mirror to make herself look a little more presentable because _fuck_ , her eyes are so red from crying and she looks pale. Her blonde bob needs a brush and overall, she just wants a shower and her bed.

After she clicks in her safety belt, Clarke looks down and trails her fingers across her flat stomach - no trace of a bump is there yet, but she knows what’s inside.

‘Hey you’ she hears herself say. ‘Not sure about your timing, but I think it’ll be okay’ Clarke smiles. ‘You don’t want to tell your dad for me, by any chance?’

Clarke’s heart flutters when she thinks of Bellamy like that - as a father. At least she has some time to figure out how she’s going to tell him.

She pulls out her phone to check the time. It’s way later than she thought and her phone must have been on silent because she sees that Bellamy has called her over five times and she didn't even know. Clarke drops her head back against the headrest.

He’s home.

He’s going to want to know where she’s been and she’s not going to lie to him.

Guess she doesn’t have much time to figure out how she’s going to tell him after all.

 

-

 

‘Where the hell were you?’ Bellamy has swung open the front door before Clarke has even gotten out of the SUV. ‘I’ve been home for well over two hours, so don’t bullshit me with a lie of how you just swung out to the store.’

‘We said no more lies’ Clarke tells him as she climbs the steps of the porch and he stands by to let her inside.

A lot of her furniture and items from her old house is piled in the hallway, clearly flung in by Murphy on his own as Bellamy paced frantically around the house wondering where Clarke had gone. Clarke can automatically picture it.

‘Yeah we said no more lies, yet you’ve been lying to me all day. By omission. We had a package that was to be delivered this afternoon and it wasn’t signed for because no-one was home. So you’ve been gone way longer than two hours’ Bellamy is standing in front of her with his hands on his hips as she flops down onto the couch, mentally and emotionally and physically tired.

‘You made me believe you were at home. You never mentioned that you went out - you're not even supposed to be doing that! You're not cleared to drive yet and look at the state of the roads outside! Anything could have happened.’

‘Bellamy, you’re acting like an over-protective father that won’t let me leave the house’ Clarke rubs her forehead but even that sentence sets the butterflies alight in her stomach. Maybe he will be an over-protective father to their child.

Scratch that, he _definitely_ will be.

_'Fuck, Clarke. Stop getting ahead'._

They have tests to get done first and if they make it to the next trimester, then she can start being more excited.

‘It’s not that and you know it’ Bellamy says, quieter now. She looks up at him and his expression is pained. His jeans and trainers are dirty from moving stuff all day and he still has his black jacket on, even though he’s been home for ages. His dark curls are messier on his head than normal and his eyes are piercing. ‘The last time I came back to you being gone, I didn’t find you again for six years.’

Clarke tilts her head in sympathy, pain ripping through her chest.

‘Bellamy’ she says softly, standing up to his level now. He won’t meet her eye. ‘I’m so sorry. I just knew if I told you where I was, you’d worry. And I didn’t mean to not answer my phone, I didn’t hear…’

‘Worry? Why? Where were you?’ Bellamy cuts her off, his face pinching in confusion and anxiety already. Clarke sighs.

‘I was at the hospital’ she informs him and his eyes widen.

‘Why?’ Bellamy scans her, as if looking for a visible injury. ‘What’s wrong? I just checked your wound this morning. Were you sick again?’ He bombards her with questions but Clarke simply takes his hand and sits down on the couch, pulling him to join her. She tucks a strand of blonde hair behind her ear and readies herself, meeting his concerned face and waiting eyes.

There’s only one way to really do this.

‘I’m pregnant, Bellamy.’

Bellamy’s mouth opens, similar to the way hers did when Jackson told her. His expression is vacant, but Clarke can read the shock in his eyes.

After a moment though, Clarke is surprised when a smile grows on his lips.

‘You’re pregnant?’ He asks, his eyes brewing a sparkle. At first, she thinks he’s going to laugh and tell her that he doesn’t believe her, or worse - laugh out of anger because ‘he can’t fucking believe this.’

Instead, he reaches out and touches her stomach, lightly at first with his fingers and then with his whole hand. When Clarke looks back up at him, tears are forming in his eyes.

‘You’re pregnant’ he half laughs, half chokes up. Clarke feels tears fall from her own eyes too as she nods. Bellamy pushes forward, crashing his lips against hers in the most passionate kiss they’ve ever shared. His hand is cupping her face and when he pulls back, he leans his forehead against hers as he cries with a massive smile on his face.

Clarke’s heart soars.

Maybe things will be okay. Maybe this was meant to be and her body will be strong enough to nurture this baby and give birth to it. Bellamy and her will sort out their jobs at a later date and they can bicker over what colour to paint the baby’s room upstairs. He will look at their child with as much love in his eyes as he has when he looks at Clarke. Butterflies will take flight in Clarke’s stomach and up into her heart when she looks at him holding their baby, similar to how she felt when she looked at him holding Octavia’s.

And maybe, just maybe - life will be alright.

She has to believe that because she wants this more than she’s wanted anything before. She wants a happy ending and it’s the least they deserve after every shitty thing that’s happened the past few years.

So, Clarke is choosing to be positive. Bellamy's reaction has set something alight inside of her that she thought she lost long ago. Something that is now burning brighter and stronger than ever before.

Something called hope.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for staying with me this long and as always, know how much I appreciate your comments both on here and on Tumblr. It makes my day to read them and I try to get back to everyone so definitely leave one :)  
> If you want to find me on Tumblr or share the story: [here's the link.](http://eyessharpweaponshot.tumblr.com/post/183838375314/lose-you-too-bellarke-fbicriminal-mindsthe)


	20. Loving You Is Easy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The final one is here and like every 4th chapter, it's a Bellamy POV.  
> When I started this fic, I didn't think I'd get the response I did. It's blown my mind to see how much people have loved it and become invested in it. It's my first fic, so to be honest, I didn't think anyone would even read it.  
> I hope you like all the fluff in this chapter - the two of them deserve a happy ending.  
> Chapter title is from the song 'Never Change' by Picture This. It's so fitting to this chapter and I'm in love with it.

Winter has quickly become Bellamy’s favourite season.

He loves the way the trees look bare and the tiny, thin branches let the sun appear through them easily. It feels clean and fresh because the air is freezing and on the sunny days like this one, where the sky is bright blue, it reminds him so much of Clarke.

Her eyes aren’t far from that colour - that azure blue - and for some reason, winter always reminds him of falling in love with her. He’s not sure why, because he can’t remember exactly when he was so far gone on her that he couldn’t turn around. It was like one day he woke up and he couldn’t remember what it was like not to feel like this for her.

As he drives to work, he admires the little details of D.C and relishes in this perfect season. His phone ringing interrupts his peace and when he presses the button on the steering wheel of his SUV to answer, Raven’s voice fills the silence.

‘You know she’s you, right?’

Bellamy makes a face.

‘What?’

‘Madi - she’s her father’s daughter all over. I was telling her about Shaw and I’s recent vacation to Rome and I was in the middle of this awesome story about the Colosseum and she interrupted me, mid-sentence, to tell me I got the history wrong because it was actually built under Vespasian’s rule and finished under Titus, not the other way around.’

Bellamy snorts out a laugh. Madi is definitely his daughter.

‘She then hopped out of the car with her school bag on her back and her little six year old’s voice telling me to have a good day!’ Raven exclaims as if she can’t believe it. She probably can’t because he can’t either - when did his baby grow up so much?

‘Now, that kind of condescension sounds like her mother’ Bellamy remarks and Raven chuckles.

‘Yeah, now that you say it, it does sound like Clarke. You on the way to Headquarters?’

‘Just turning in through the gates now’ Bellamy tells her as he flashes his badge to the security guard. He waves at Bellamy and lets up the barrier to invite him inside. The large, grey building that has become more like a second home to Bellamy at this point lays out before him.

‘We just have paperwork today, no cases. So maybe see you for lunch?’ Raven asks and Bellamy agrees, wanting to catch up with all of his old team properly. He hangs up as he pulls into a parking space, smiling at the thoughts of his child. She’s so bloody smart and Bellamy feels his heart flutter with pride.

His wallpaper flashes up on his phone as Raven’s number disappears. The photo was taken in October on one of their hikes.

Clarke is dressed in a black polo neck sweater with a black gilet jacket on over it. In the photo, her black jeans and brown hiking boots are visible as she bends down, crouched beside their daughter. Her blonde hair falls in curls over her shoulders but an oatmeal coloured bobble hat hides the top of her head. Her eyes are that bright blue he loves and her smile is so wide that he can’t even remember a time when she didn’t have it on her face. She has her arms draped around Madi, who is beaming.

Madi has long, dark hair like Bellamy’s. It’s curly and perfect, falling around her shoulders like her mothers. She’s wearing a camel coloured coat, buttoned up to the top and little boots to match. Her white hat contrasts nicely against the darkness of her locks. She’s holding onto Clarke’s arm and she’s laughing. Her perfect, straight white smile lifts Bellamy’s heart further and _fuck_ , he can’t believe they made her. She’s so beautiful, just like Clarke.

It was a scary pregnancy with lots of tests and what if’s, because Clarke had been through so much that year. They were nervous, despite Jackson’s reassurances, that the medication and antibiotics would affect their baby. Not to mention the tremendous amount of stress her body had been under - and her mind.

On month seven, Clarke was put on bed rest which she hated and complained about because she was not the kind to stay in bed, but she did it and ended up having a gorgeous baby girl.

When Bellamy seen Madi in Clarke’s arms for the first time, he couldn’t help but think that she was already brilliant at it - being a mother. She looked so perfect and natural and _fucking hell_ , it was his baby - and Clarke was his girl. She had given him this beautiful little human and she was a trooper through the whole thing - despite everything that could have gone wrong.

If Bellamy didn't know how incredible Clarke was before, he definitely knew then.

_How did he get that lucky?_

Bellamy married Clarke after Madi’s first birthday. It was a small ceremony with the team and the little family he has left, but it was perfect. They danced to 'Chasing Cars' for their first dance, got tipsy on champagne and completely drunk on the happiness and love that enshrouded the entire day.

Everyone seems to have gotten their happy ending. Raven and Shaw were next to marry but that was seen a mile off - the two of them clicked the moment they met. They work together well, even though Shaw stays behind most of the time at Headquarters with Monty to do their magic with technology.

Murphy and Emori have two children and Murphy is much more of a protective father than Bellamy, which everyone still laughs at. His children can barely fall over without him wanting to pick a fight with the ground about it.

Monty has been dating Harper for a couple of years now, who ended up replacing Clarke on the team. Wells, Miller and Shaw are also apart of that family now and they all have their role in cases and missions, but Harper just about filled Clarke’s shoes. Only just.

She’s excellent if Kane is to be believed and apparently, Monty thinks so too. They surprised everyone after a year of dating with their pregnancy announcement and little Jordan arrived soon after. He loves playing with Madi and it warms Bellamy’s heart to see it - she’s so kind even though she can be headstrong, another trait she obtained from her mother.

Miller, who Bellamy has grown close with over the years, found love with Jackson and the two of them are living together at the other side of town.

It’s just Wells that’s left to be paired up with someone, but as he tells Bellamy, he’s just waiting for the right one.

‘How do you know they’re not the one when you kick them out of bed before morning comes?’ Bellamy teased him one Thursday night in Arkadia. They were waiting for their turn with the dart board and despite their rocky start, he actually has really come to like Wells. ‘You barely give them a chance.’

‘You knew Clarke was the one before you ever slept with her’ Wells quirked an eyebrow at him, taking a sip of his beer and really, Bellamy couldn’t argue with him after that.

The team was scattered through the place and even though Madi was staying over at her aunt Octavia’s, Clarke was determined not to stay out too late. Bellamy agreed because he was so tired - Madi really gave them the run around. She’s such an active and vibrant child.

As it happened, the two of them ended up falling in the door of their home at half three that night and had very loud sex on the couch, not even making it to their bedroom.

Bellamy smiles at the memory as he places his phone in his pocket and gets out of his SUV for work. They need to organise another night in Arkadia soon - they don’t get there often enough now.

He pulls his dark suit jacket tighter into his chest as he walks towards the door, his matching attire doing nothing to keep him warm at any level. He fixes the collar of his white shirt, straightening his tie just before he enters the building.

Time to start the day.

 

-

 

Bellamy is almost at the end of their hostage negotiation class when he opens the room up to questions.

‘Can we ask you some about your time in the field?’ A guy in the front with his hair slicked back asks.

‘Sure’ Bellamy smiles, leaning back against his podium. It’s rewarding to look out at the fresh, young faces of future FBI agents and show them the ropes.

Various students shoot questions at them and Bellamy looks over to Clarke at her podium, who takes most of them herself.

Her blonde hair is tied up in a curly ponytail and it suits her off her face. She’s wearing a white shirt like Bellamy’s, but hers looks so much better on her. It’s buttoned down a little which shows the top of her cleavage, and Bellamy would be lying if he said he didn’t notice some students in the class checking her out from time to time.

It's tucked into her black pants suit which shows off the curve of her ass so well and Bellamy has to shift a little to stop himself getting a hard-on in the middle of their lecture. She has minimal makeup on but she doesn’t need it. She’s a natural beauty. Her body is fucking phenomenal, even after Madi - she just sprung right back to the way she was prior to being pregnant.

It wouldn’t be long changing again though, she’s already four months gone and Bellamy’s heart warms at the thought.

They haven’t told Madi yet, but she’ll be so thrilled. For her last two birthdays, whenever they asked her if there was something she wanted - she always said a brother or a sister.

Bellamy watches Clarke answer questions, answering some himself from time to time but she meets his eye because he can’t stop looking at her. She gives him that smirk of hers that’s kept just for him and _fucking hell_ , he loves that woman so much. His love has only grown these past few years and when she became his wife, it was honestly one of the best moments in his life so far.

Now, as they lecture here in Headquarters, everything seems to have fallen right into Bellamy’s lap.

They no longer work in a dangerous environment and even though they both miss the thrill of missions and cases sometimes, one look confirms how many times they’d give up that life again and again for one another. They have Madi and another baby on the way and they see their friends a lot when they’re not working cases. They have their home and they are comfortable with money. Above all else, they have each other and that is worth everything.

Clarke was in early this morning - it was her turn to do physical training with the new recruits. That left Bellamy to sort Madi out for school but he had to leave before he could drop her. Raven, thankfully, wasn’t in until later today so she jumped at the chance to spend a little bit of time with Madi - who adores the entire team.

After this lecture, they have another one on mission communications before lunch. He’s glad they’ve found a career that they can still be partners in, something they can both do - _together_.

Then, this evening, both of them will collect Madi from school and listen to her ramble about her day and her friends the entire journey back to their house.

One of them will cook dinner while the other will help with Madi's homework and then afterwards, they’ll play games or watch movies together until Madi has to get ready for bed.

Bellamy and Clarke will make sure they're both present at story time before bed, no matter how tired they are.

Now that Madi's older, she likes more thrilling stories so they have taken to telling her dramatized versions of their cases. They leave out the possibility that they could be real and that the stories are based off their actual life, because they don’t want to scare her.

Madi thinks of her parents as heroes who fell in love with one another and she loves them adding in pieces about the others in the team.

In one particular story, Clarke told her that she did some terrible things to get the bad guy in order to save Bellamy and the others. Madi proceeded to tell her that it didn’t make sense because she’s a good person.

Bellamy remembers Clarke smiling softly before kissing their daughters forehead and telling her a very important ending to the story that night.

’Maybe there are no good guys.’

It’s true. Both Bellamy and Clarke made more of their fair share of mistakes and questionable ethical decisions in that job, but they did what they had to do. People aren’t good or bad - they’re both.

They are who they choose to be and even when they choose to be good, all they can do is make the best choices they can - even in terrible situations and circumstances. 

The look in Madi's eyes each night is obvious - the pride and the ambition to have what they have one day too. Not the job, but the love.

She tells them all the time that when she gets older, she'll never settle for anything less than what Clarke and Bellamy have.

It's something they should both be proud of - setting such a good example of what love should be to their children. It should be mutual respect and understanding, patience and compromise and the ability to forgive each other - no matter what.

After Madi goes to bed, Bellamy and Clarke usually spend the rest of their night alone together because no matter how busy or tiring their lives get - they ensure they make this time for one another.

They will laugh, talk about memories and their day or plan for tomorrow and the rest of their lives. They will have a glass of wine at the weekends - well, at least they used to before Clarke got pregnant again.

And they’ll fuck, whenever they get a chance. It’s rare Bellamy can wait very long before getting his hands on her.

Snapping his attention back to his class, Bellamy straightens himself and tunes back in - not before making the silent promise to fuck Clarke into oblivion the second this lecture is over. The have some time between this and the next one, so he'll lock the door and make quick work of getting her pants off.

‘I find it hard to focus in the heat of the moment’ a girl in the middle row asks Clarke. ‘Is there any advice you can give to keep your head in the game while under a pressure situation like with a hostage or in cases in general?’

Bellamy flicks his stare to Clarke again and she looks pensive, keeping quiet for a moment as she moves her gaze down to her wedding band.

Bellamy, in turn, does the same - twirling the white gold ring around his finger. He knows her answer before she says it and when Clarke looks back up, she smiles at the young woman who had asked her such a good question.

‘Yeah’ Clarke says lightly, glancing at Bellamy who is grinning at her. ‘Don’t fall in love with your partner.’

The class erupts into laughter because their story is no secret. The two FBI agents who worked tirelessly to protect one another, who abandoned protocol at every turn, who put away some of the most dangerous fugitives that this country has seen this decade together - yeah, it’s a story that got around.

The two FBI agents who quit their jobs to build a safer life with one another and who are still hopelessly in love, despite everything life threw in their way?

It’s the most epic love story Bellamy has ever heard, and it’s theirs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to thank each and every one of you who read this story, took the time to comment and leave your thoughts and especially to those who followed me on Tumblr. I appreciate you all so much and even if you are reading this in three years time, please share the fic and tell me what you think.  
> I'll always try to reply.  
> A special thank you to those who used their creative magic and drew scenes from the chapters. Anything made or created is so appreciated and please send them to me if you do something.  
> If you are interested in more Bellarkey-goodness, I've wrote a few more fics so just click my name.  
> If you want to find me on Tumblr or share the story: [here's the link.](http://eyessharpweaponshot.tumblr.com/post/183838375314/lose-you-too-bellarke-fbicriminal-mindsthe)


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